What the Fuckery

I went for a run yesterday morning to start the day and was in the middle of doing some stretches afterwards when my dad walked passed me, stopped abruptly and asked me what on earth I was doing...

I must have been doing it wrong because he asked me to please try not to break the cupboard..... which is marble so pretty much impossible for me to damage. 

I do feel rather insulted by his request...

Then Kerry stumbled out for the first time in days clutching a cigarette in her shaking fingers and called my father 'Whiskey-Face....' 

Clearly trying to make herself feel better after being unconscious for the last 72 hours from what I suspect was alcohol poisoning.

I went out and had wine and ultra cheesy nachos with a friend I've always called G-Spot... not that he would know where my g-spot is because I've never found it myself. Oh - and we've never done the... you know... deed.
He very helpfully figured out exactly what's wrong with me (if you believe in horoscopes and all that jazz).
He told me I'm both a Bull (Taurus. May. VERY stubborn.) And a Goat  (Chinese astrology what-the-fuckery).
In layman's terms.... I'm two incredibly stubborn earth signs rolled into one mighty mess. Thanks mum and dad for conceiving me during the WORST possible time. I'm all your fault. Literally.

Google told me that my best Chinese horoscope matches are Rabbits, Horses or Pigs.
So basically I could either be with someone who fucks like a rabbit, is hung like a horse or lives like a pig.
I swear life just keeps getting better for me.
I also strongly believe I've been with all 3 of these types of people before.

Google also told me Goats eat and urinate most frequently.
At least it got something right.

We're also currently in 2019 (just in case you didn't know).
The year of the pig.
This explains EVERYTHING.

Maybe I do believe in this whole horoscope thing...

In other news... I did not get the job heading to the black sea next week which is depressing as I'd really thought the interview had gone well. 

I'm going to google my horoscope and figure out my life... hold on.

Fuck.

On March 7th Uranus entered my sign FOR THE NEXT 7 YEARS.

I don't know what that means but it sounds bad.

I swear you couldn't make this stuff up.

I went on a daily horoscope thingy and it said:

'Today will suit you but don't expect miracles. Now is a time for healing (accurate). In the weeks ahead you will restore harmony to your energies and regain your fitness with improved diet and lifestyle (I am incredibly stiff from running....). Your emotional life gets an overhaul as well, as you find the courage to confront certain unsettling issues. 

Right....

You know how people say you can never believe horoscopes because the people who write them find a way to relate it to absolutely everyone?? Well - I for one think this was FREAKISHLY accurate.

It scared me a little. 

Oh goodie there's a page about what tomorrow has in store for me. Lets have a look-see.

Crap.

You may not know which way to turn, Taurus. You may be emotionally weighed down by sentimental feelings and memories that bind you to the past. You may also feel restricted by authority figures who've been around the block more times than you, and therefore feel they have the right to tell you how to run your life. Try not to let your thoughts get tied up in either of these scenarios.

So FYI people.. tomorrow will be a bad day for me. I'll probably be in a snot-filled breakdown crying into the Carlton footie jumper I got from my ex. 

Yeah.... if you need me tomorrow that's where I'll be. 

HOWEVER... it rates your general moods out of 5 stars and today I only got a 2 star rating for sex and it shoots up to 4 stars tomorrow.... so this is promising. 

It also gives you cards of the day.. kind of like tarot I guess and tomorrows card is The Hanged Man..... brilliant. 

It means: An unsettling mysterious card (no shit...). By letting go and giving up, as painful as it may be, this symbolism suggests that we can overcome restrictions, find what we have been looking for, and ultimately become free, self-determined beings.

Excuse me for a minute while I go and bookmark this horoscope page.......

Oh yes.

I've been running just under 5ks this week while listening to Bridget Jones Diary - The Edge of Reason. 

I think I enjoy these books so much because there's finally a person more marvelously fucked up than I am.

Except Bridget's fictional.