Coming to Terms with Things... and a Potential Happy Death!

Ventured out of the comforts of my bed yesterday to buy ingredients to make pasta as I'd seen some FABULOUS person on instagram who has the name 'Less Upsetti More Spaghetti.' 

I instantly had an intense craving for bolognese.

Dad and I stopped at the bowling club on the way to the store so he could fix some complicated looking electrical whatsitt  so I sat in the corner and continued to read Furiously Happy by Jenny Lawson.

There are TWO reasons I burst into floods of tears at the bowling club.  

1. M and I had been there just the other day getting bowling lessons from my dad and the memories came back to me like a punch in the gut.

2. There's an entire chapter in Furiously Happy about Jenny's trip to Australia. NOT the right time, Jenny. Not the right time at all. 

I'd been avoiding picking up another book called Six Minutes by Petronella McGovern as it's set in Canberra and I just can't handle anything to do with Australia right now. I mean, even when looking for a jigsaw puzzle to keep my mind busy the cheapest one I could find was of Sydney.... REALLY!? Thank you life.

Once more during my breakdown cuddled into my fathers shoulder (yes I am aware I am far too old to do that but I'm in a very fragile state...) I had some revelations.

I realised the closest I will ever come to a Koala is fingering ones arse at Steve Irwin's zoo.

I'll never see the Great Barrier Reef, surf in Byron Bay or live happily ever after with M.

I am coming to terms with that now... coming to terms with everything I've lost and everything I'll never have. 

I was up until 4am this morning scouring the internet for jobs on yachts and ski resorts. 

I have the qualifications needed and considering I'm penniless this would be a good way to get back on my feet relatively quickly.

The yachts made me miserable in the past but I was held back by an ex boyfriend who wouldn't let me travel so I was stuck on shitty day cruise boats filled with prostitutes and drugs... so I'd only accept a job offer on a yacht if it is in a healthier environment. 

I've always wanted to work a ski season. Snow and winter are some of my favorite things.. and if I had the chance to base myself in Banff or Jasper I'd be thrilled. 

Right now I am eagerly awaiting a video call interview for a possible job leaving for The Black Sea NEXT WEEK. 

Seriously did NOT think this would be where life was taking me but there you go.

All I know right now is that I cannot and will not continue to live at home watching my mother deteriorate daily. At this current moment in time at 12pm she is face-planted in bed in clothes she hasn't changed out of since Friday last week and has a bottle of vodka swirling around her liver. She's unconscious, again. 

I can't live in an environment like that ever but especially not right now when I am heartbroken and in a dark place of my own. It brings me down immensely. The fabulous thing about this yacht job is that it's 2 months with not one day off so no drinking at all and a crew gym to workout and focus on health and happiness. Yes PUH-LEASE.

If however I don't land this gig on the yacht it would appear I have timed my return to Knysna well considering the Knysna Oyster Festival is coming up. 

I'm thinking I can just drown myself in a mountain of freshly shucked oysters.

That would be a happy death.