Tough Love

Right now, life is hard.

For the first few weeks that I was back I was able to bring a lightness and humor to this blog because I suppose I was still in denial. I was so sure that somehow, things would get fixed.

But it's been almost a month now and I've had to start moving forward.

I've been applying for Canadian working holiday visas and scouring the internet for jobs scrubbing people's shit out of toilets on the yachts again. I went on a date and kissed someone else which all blew up in the same old small town Knysna drama I can't stand. I started finally checking things off of my To Do list... picking up my drivers license, getting a South African sim card, sorting out the bank and looking for a new car which I can't afford.

I also decided to finally take a stand against my alcoholic mother. I'm done with her looking at me and spitting out the words, 'Why are you here? Can't you just go and die?! No wonder Mark doesn't want you. Fuck off," amongst other things. I reached out to people I knew would help. She's getting sectioned next week if all goes according to plan... although I've seriously started realising how full of empty promises people (especially family members,) are. I am a blunt and honest person - this is a blog about the gritty realness of the world so if you can't handle that then please stop reading and causing more drama.

I called the police while she was out driving the other day - sadly they didn't catch her but I've reached breaking point. She's a danger to herself and to others. She could kill someone - and that is disgusting. So I have done what I need to do because no one else was doing anything.

I've always been the tough one in my family. I'm the one who has to be strong and tell it as it is. I speak the truth while everyone else is living a lie. No, I'm not perfect... far from it. I'm as fucked up if not more than anyone - but I'm the only person that will actually admit that. And I'm the only person who is willing to change.

I'm also the only person willing to truly HELP. It's called tough love.

Yeah, I hate who my mother has become and I am so full of anger and resentment - but me getting her put into a mental institute and eventually rehab is me showing what little love I do have left for her. She won't see it that way - maybe she never will. But this is literally my last attempt. I've reached breaking point.

Right now I'm at a place where I should be home under my families wings and recovering from a horrible breakup, a miscarriage and trying to find my feet again.... instead, I am more emotionally distraught now than ever before. The stress levels have sky-rocketed. I burst into tears in the middle of town and sometimes I can't bring myself to eat. I've lost 6kg and I'm not OK.

I don't know what the hell to do with my life or where the hell to go. M decided to leave me penniless even though I worked in Aus for 2 years I have nothing to show for it - yet he's kept all the furniture and flat and everything I was helping pay for while my salary - which was FAR smaller than his but I tried my BEST to contribute when I could. I just can't believe how shit life is right now.... that my only option is to have to go back onto the yachts, an industry I hated, just so I can have some financial stability again.

I've decided I'm going to write down everything I've been holding onto on a piece of paper, fold it up and toss it into a fire. Release it.

I need to let go of M. I need to let go of the fact that we are not getting married next year and that the 2 miscarriages I suffered through without him were probably for the best. I need to get over the fact that he's no longer there and no longer cares.

I also know I need to let go of my hatred, anger and resentment I have for my family - my life... I know I look so happy on the outside. I smile, see friends, laugh and joke. But behind closed doors and sometimes in the center of town I am a mess.

I WISH I hadn't given everything I had to my name to my past relationship... because now I'm at a place in my life where I have nothing. That's not even an exaggeration. I AM penniless. I AM homeless... I have to stay in the hell hole that is my parents house and be abused verbally by the woman who carried me for 9 months. I have no where else to go right now, no way to get somewhere if I did have anywhere to go.

I wish I had been smarter and kept a backup plan... I wish I hadn't decided to spend my last bit of life savings on a holiday to Madagascar that now I can't even look at the photographs of without crying.

I wish I had a different life. A different mother. A different everything.

Life is hard. And I am struggling.

I wish I knew what to do.

I just need a hand. I feel like I'm trying my best to help others as much as I can but that doesn't get acknowledged. I feel like I have this huge heart that just gets taken for granted and abused. I feel like I don't deserve where I am in life right now and sometimes it really does seem easier to fade away than carry on struggling through... but that's why I write this... because one day I KNOW I will be okay again and I'll be able to look back and remember what a dark place I was in and I'll be able to help others find a way out to the other side. Until then, I'm just wading through the black abyss.