Freeing Myself from a Life Tethered by Insecurity

This morning I've woken up and noticed that the heartache has finally started to ease. 

The pangs of pain and realisation that I've lost my best friend and lover have dissipated.

My smile is no longer fake. 

My laughter doesn't seem forced.

I can get out of bed and change out of my pajama's without it seeming to be the hardest thing to do in the world. 

I can concentrate on books and taste the flavors in food again.

I can enjoy the feeling of the sand beneath my toes and my hands on the steering wheel of the car.

I can lace up my running shoes and have a good sweat out... and those endorphins don't disappear the moment I set foot back in doors.

 

It no longer hurts me when I see my ex partners friends remove me from their friends lists...

They never cared about my friendship to begin with.

I've accepted I was only ever tolerated.

So I don't give a crap about not having them there to judge me anymore.

Perhaps they don't realise just how shitty they actually are. 

I owned up to all of my past mistakes and tried to right my wrongs...

but alas I was never enough for them.. 

and I've learned that if people truly don't think you're good enough for them and just in general don't like you then good fucking riddance to them.

I'm at a place in my life where if I'm not the kind of person you want me to be then that's your problem.

I'm growing into the person I was always meant to be. 

It's not been easy and I've been through hell to get here.

My anxiety and depression are things I've always been ashamed of but now I'm learning to love myself properly for the very first time... to pat myself on the back for working harder than ever on my flaws. 

I know I'll never be perfect but I have certain issues that need addressing. 

I have huge trust-issues and can get jealous at the smallest of things... but my sister-in-law and I had a big heart to heart recently and she made me understand that the only person I'm hurting by being jealous is myself. 

If a person if going to cheat on you they are going to cheat on you. There's nothing you can do to stop that. 

I've been living my life so cautiously over the past few years since S cheated on me with so many women... I never had the real time alone to deal with what happened so that I could heal and not let jealousy eat away like a cancer in future relationships. 

I don't want to be the kind of girl I have been... the kind who is so insecure and measures herself up to every other woman in the world. I pick myself apart and steal the joy from my life by comparing myself to others. 

I become so Goddamned paranoid by who my (ex) partners are texting or who they are talking to in a bar if I'm not there.... 

but I've FINALLY realised that if they want to cheat on me nothing I can do will stop them but what will MAKE them be more likely to cheat is me literally having them on such a tight leash that they never have a life of their own. 

I've finally learned that I need to let my insecurities go and it's the most freeing feeling in the world because the only thing I'm doing by being jealous and insecure and comparing myself to everyone else is ruining any chance I actually have of a peaceful, happy life. 

I've been tethered to a life of  self-doubt so far too long. I'm finally breaking free.

I don't know where the hell this road will take me now that my leash is gone.

I don't know where I want it to take me besides to that peaceful, happy life I and EVERYONE (even those aforementioned idiots...) deserve.

My life has become one big, 'I DON'T KNOW...' and I kind of like it.