Playing the Victim

You never really know what's going to happen after a breakup. 

It's different for everyone... for me, it seems particularly brutal in that all of the aforementioned girls who never accepted me deleted me from Facebook (one of them, the one I'd considered myself closest with actually BLOCKED me and I hadn't said or done anything....). 

They THEN told M that I had deleted them which is bizarre.

I actually can't believe the cheek of it. 

This slap in the face has turned into a full on punch that has seriously baffled me. 

I just can't believe it. 

What the actual fuck?

I'm trying my very best to move forward... after a seriously rough morning with my 'mother' being her usual alcoholic self I took myself out for a run. 

And you know what?? 

I felt better for a while. 

I got home, did some stretches, ran a hot bath, meditated.... 

But then my eyes once again filled with tears and I broke. 

I was supposed to start renovating the cottage with my dad today but I should have known it wouldn't happen. 

My family are the most unmotivated people I know. 

I'm stuck in my own head... 

I keep wondering why I'm not good enough. Why people are so nasty to me. 

I know this sounds like I'm playing the victim.... and I suppose I am but I do feel like the victim here. How can I not??? 

I was dumped, kicked out the country, left with nothing, literally penniless, have returned to the most vile and toxic environment you could possibly imagine... blocked and deleted by my exes friends. What did I ever do to them?? 

If there is one thing I have learned through this it's that I'm glad I'm not part of that shitty friendship circle anymore anyway. I was never good enough for them and was never given the chance to prove to them who I could really be... and now here I am completely devastated, broken, writing my feelings to no one because no one actually reads this shit but it's my only outlet these days. 

I don't want to talk to friends about it because I don't want to bring them down with my shit. 

And all they say is I'll be OK, take it one day at a time, I'm a fighter etc etc etc.... it's a load of bollucks. 

Life is a load of bollucks.

Yeah... can you tell I'm having a bad day???