Freelance Journalist

I have been thrown into the deep end... In a world that I know nothing about.
Chantelle, my co-worker, was stopped in town the other afternoon and a lady called Abigail asked her if she would ever be interested in writing for their up and coming newspaper. Chantelle laughed in their faces, "Me?! A writer?" she giggled, then she thought for a second and remembered me. "I do have a friend though, who loves writing, you should give her a call," she gave over my contact number and I waited a couple of days before an SMS arrived through on my phone, telling me that I have an interview.
At first I thought it would be a breeze, but closer to the time my heart began to thump and my hands trembled from my nerves. I suddenly realized that this could be a fundamental part of my life, giving me experience in the workforce that I hope to end up in. I realized that if I messed this interview up, I could potentially lose my dream forever.

I arrived at the interview, surrounded by crowds of other people, all applying for the same position it would seem. I had yet to learn that there were thousands of positions being offered, depending on the candidates strengths and interests.
We were sent into the interview room in bulk, all gathered around a table, trying to pull ourselves together and come forward as a confident individual perfect for their business.

As many of you know, I am one of the least racist people you could find, so I say this in the most harmless and innocent way possible: I was the only white person applying to work with these people. The only fairer skinned person I came across was the CEO of the company. This intimidated me as I wondered just how prestigious this place could be, how far it would get me; and a million other things ran through my mind that made me doubt whether I was right for this job.

The interviewers asked us many of the usual questions you would get in any normal interview... What were our strengths and weaknesses? Why do you think you would be a good person to work for us? They then added in a question that I believe we were all least expecting... How do we think the economy is South Africa is?
Again being the only white person - this question was a struggle for me, having eyes of different races melting through my skin (or at least that is what it felt like). I was always the first in the group that had to answer the questions, so I fed off of no one else's confidence and wisdom. It was petrifying, but I ploughed through and the newspaper would like me to become a freelance journalist with them.
I need to hand in a piece of writing, showing my writing potential, by Thursday. They said that it could be based on anything. A make-believe article, a story, anything... I doubt that they would be interested in my little romance novels I have stored on my PC.
What do you write to impress a newspaper that has given you no lead on the sort of thing they are interested in reading from you?

I have reached a plateau in my writing. Better put... I am stumped.

Welcome to Heart Break Street

Feeling so low tonight... I don't know why.

Feels like I'm going to explode into an outrageous flood of tears at any moment.

The roller coaster ride with Michael and I continued for a short while, where I had never felt happier. Although we never put labels to it, he began to treat me as a girlfriend and the smile could never be wiped off my face around him.

I fell.

Madly, truly and deeply in love.

He didn't even have to try, he made me effortlessly happy. But again, family came first, and things had to end.

It shouldn't be so hard. It should be a choice between two people, if it feels right then why not be together!? No one else matters when you know your happy. For once I put myself before all others, but as hard and as determined as I fought, it was not good enough. I'd never fought so hard for anything. I poured my heart and soul out.

I still feel so greatly for him, but I know its over. We can't be together. It's like a modern day Romeo and Juliet. I waited for two months until I eventually realized nothing is ever going to happen. So I moved on, trying to forget my heartache.

We are still friends. We still surf together and we're still off to the Transkei in December, a lot of people tell me its weird, but if they only knew how much Michael and I got along, they would understand. I would rather have him in my while as a friend, than nothing at all. I know nothing is going to happen again, there would be no point because it would just lead me to more heart pain. But friends I can manage.

We never shut up around each other, we always have fun times and adventures, I wouldn't give that up. He's really like a best friend to me. I love him in a way that I want him to be happy, whether it be with someone else, as long as he's happy. I just want him there as a friend above all else.

The pain in my heart surfaces sometimes - like tonight I guess. I feel pathetic and useless, I can't turn to him because I really don't want to harm the relationship I have left with him.

The castles that we built were so tall, it only left is further to fall....

I know my heart will heal, slowly. Its going to take a good while though :(

Sunday

So its a cold and rainy night. I am sitting in my room with a mug filled with delicious smelling coffee, I can hear the rain falling to the dampened grass outside and I can see the water droplets slowly slipping down my window pane. I don't know what it is about weather like this, but it always puts me in a creative mood.

Nothing ever blossomed between me and the cute waiter who I so boldly gave my number to. He's a nice guy, but as it turned out, we just didn't connect. Not in the way that Michael and I did anyway. With Michael, every moment is perfect. We fit into each others arms so amazingly. There was never an uncomfortable moment, never the slightest bit of awkwardness.

I can' put into words the connection that Michael and I have; which frustrates me because putting feelings down from a pen to paper is what I do! Its my passion, and now there are no words to describe what Michael and I share.

Right now I'm hovering my fingers over the key-board, listening to The Cat Empire and just wanting to write - but I can't think of anything to say.............

I may be going to the Transkei in December, I have leave that I can take from work and since I have taken up surfing again I've got a couple of buddies going there to catch some waves, so I may join them for the journey!

OH! I learnt a pretty valuable lesson a couple of weeks back. DO NOT TRUST ANYONE. I always trust far too easily and confide in people when I am going through something tough, and me being as naive as I am, would never think they would go and spread my private life around the whole of the western cape... but apparently they would.

People these days are just after a good bit of gossip, so that they have five seconds of being everyones greatest interest.

I need to start dealing with my personal situations by myself and find the answers without help from others. I need to deal with things in a way that I choose and not rely on other peoples advice. Its a great build up of your inner self and strengthens your whole being.

Blonde hair is far to high maintenance for me. Dying it back to my lovely and wonderful dark curtain on the 2nd of November. Got an email from a great photographer that wants to do a shoot with me, but in order to do the shoot I need to have dark hair again - so its win win!

Blonde is great, it makes me feel much more beautiful, but its just not me. Cannot WAIT for my hair to grow again either! Cutting it all off was the worst mistake I've ever made.

My tattoo is still a bit scabby and still can't get it wet, which makes bathing and surfing so difficult! But soon it will be all healed up and ready to show off to the word!

Now I am just writing a load of boring junk that is not worthy of publishing... thinking of high lighting it all and pressing backspace.. but then in a couple of months when I re-read this entry at least I'll sit back and have a good laugh.

So I'm off, going to pour myself a nice glass of red, run a bath and read a book! Delightful Sunday night :)

Death of Love

My fairy tale with Michael ended. He told me it was because we could never get married due to the family issues, with Kane in my past and also because I'm still 19 and have my own dreams that he wants me to follow.

Of course my heart shattered into pieces. I got angry and told him to make his mind up and stick to it for once, as it had always been a bit of a roller-coaster ride with him.

I am looking for something serious; so I'm not going to wait around for nothing.

We are friends now. Still hang out every so often and I get to see the puppy.

Finally got my tattoo I've been wanting for over a year too!!! So stoked with it. Couple of things I want to touch up and add to it but for now its awesome.

Was really proud of myself too, because I sat through the whole tattoo by myself, no one was there to hold my hand! Faced and conquered my fear!!!! :)

Did something pretty different last week. Chantelle and I went for lunch at this small Italian cafe, and I thought the waiter was good looking. Totally my type and totally not at the same time. He's sort of rugged looking, with tattoo's and a very stylish fashion sense. He wears dark rimmed glasses and has blonde hair and blue eyes.

Apparently as Chantelle was trying to order her food he wouldn't stop looking at me. She only decided to tell me after we left and I went into another cafe, grabbed a pen and paper and wrote my number down for him. Chantelle took it back to him and I was expecting him to wait a couple of days before contacting me. About 2 hours later I got a message.

We began flirting away and met up for a drink a few days later. We got on pretty well and decided on a second date :)

Friday night I couldn't get home because there was a big road block and we'd all been out drinking, so he said I could stay at his place in town.

It was a very sweet night. He cuddled me close all night, stroking my back and giving me soft kisses. It didn't go any further.
I've realized now that guys aren't going to respect you if you just give it all up on the first night, and I'm not that sort of girl. I really respect him for not trying to go further too. It really surprised me and made me feel so good about myself.

Saturday night we put on a movie called Shutter Island (FUCKED UP MOVIE!!!!) and he made is the most delicious Italian dinner and pudding I've ever tasted!!! We fell asleep on his couch, me in his arms. He woke me up at 3am to ask if I was comfortable and warm.

As I said, I am looking for something serious and so far he is a great guy that I'd love to carry on seeing, but another thing I've recently learnt is to not get your hopes up. Majority of the time you just end up being disappointed. So we'll see what happens, guess I'm just scared to get hurt again.

History of the last 2 months

Wow... Yet again I have neglected my blog; become careless and forgotten how much writing means to me... Guess its time to finally free my fingers and let them flow over the keyboard.

So the last you bloggers heard, was about my weekend with Chantelle, Brendon and Gustav. Gustav is actually coming back to visit us for Chantelle's 20th birthday this coming weekend and we have lots of great stuff planned which hopefully I'll get around to writing about at some point.

Guess the first thing you all need to know, is that I turned blonde!!! Who would have thought? Dark and mysterious me, a platinum blonde! Some people love it, some people hate it. I think its OK... Miss my dark curtain though, its who I am, though I am trying to lighten up my life and change a few certain things. Finally realized some things in my life need to change,

a hair color might not seem like a big thing to you, but blonde makes me feel lighter, happier and more feminine.

The next big change (there have been a few!) is that my 23 year old brother got engaged! The happy couple are planning the big day for around this time next year and not only am I one of three maid of honors but also my new sister in laws host for her hen party! Unfortunately I can't give away any of the fantastic ideas I've got swimming around in my head just in case by some miracle someone is actually reading this and informs her of what she has just gotten herself into!

My beautiful Labrador, Cassy and my two first cats, Cola & Pepsi were put down. They were all so old, but they made our home complete, without them it feels empty... I held my Cassy dog all the way through when they injected her and she passed away in my arms, my moms arms and my brothers arms. We were all loving and cuddling her and crying. The vet wanted to give me a Valium because I was so shaken up.

Even though its been a while, I still come home after work and look for them all. I know they aren't coming back, but sometimes I just forget their all gone and I've caught myself actually calling out for them and when I realize they are gone, it kills me inside.

I was really sick for a few weeks too. Had pneumonia and lost weight, which isn't good considering I'm already tiny. Picked it all back up and more since I got better though!

I met someone.

He is a fantastic guy and there isn't anything bad I can really say about him. We spent one week together, not dating, but getting to know one another and we really get along so well. The only downside is that one of my ex's is in his family and us being together could cause family friction. The last thing I want to do is upset a family or cause problems, so I didn't try to fight for him. We had some time apart, and in that time this guy managed to kiss another girl right in front of me, which crushed me after I'd poured my heart out to him. Its not like I had the right to be angry, we weren't together, but there's no denying it hurt!

I had a couple of his things so we met up for dinner at this GORGEOUS restaurant out of town called Emily Moon so I could return his stuff. We literally didn't shut up for the car ride there, all through dinner and the car ride back. He invited me up to his apartment afterwards and he made me a cup of tea and we spent another full hour talking! I don't know how we did it! I felt really good after I left, because nothing happened, we didn't kiss, just hugged hello and good bye. I felt like it could be a real friendship as we got on so fantastically.

We started hanging out a bit more and he told me he was interested in adopting a dog, so I trotted off to Animal Welfare to see what they had to offer.

I found the sweetest little female pavement special that I tugged Michael to have a look at the next day and he instantly adored her before I'd even pointed her out to him.

The welfare inspected his house and he got approval and now she's adopted!!! Its quite sweet because Michael always calls me 'Mommy' now.

He named her Taj - after Taj Burrow, the surfer.

Saturday we took her to the Saturday Market in Sedgefield and EVERYONE adored her. We couldn't even walk two steps without little children, grannies and happy couples stopping us in our tracks to love and coo over her.

We had a picnic by the lagoon and tried to get her to swim for the first time but she wasn't too keen.

Yesterday we took her out on a canoe and at first she hated it. She dived off and Michael had to dive in after her, it was so cute. I took some great pictures. We hiked up this STEEP sand dune and chilled at the top of a gorgeous sand mountain for a while.

Also later that evening I met a couple of Michael's friends, had a couple of drinks and relaxed with them. They are so chilled, I love it. There's no pressure of needing to look good or say the right things, their the sort of people that you can truly just be yourself around and they'll accept you for who you really are. Wish there were more people in the world like that. These days everyone is so conformed.

Don't know whats going to happen between me and Michael - right now we're just really enjoying each others company. There's no doubt about it that we would be good together, but I'm not going to force anything. If anything ends up happening, I want it to be natural.

Still working at Curves, reached my monthly target this month and I'm doing better than both the other ladies that work in the club so I'm ecstatic!

Its getting easier waking up so early lately as well, as summer is on its way (slowly but surely!) and the mornings aren't so dark anymore.

That's pretty much it! I promise to try and write a bit more often and next time try and put a bit more effort into it as this entry is pretty sloppy!

Thanx to whoever is actually reading this!

Peace Out.

1 German, 1 Brit and 2 South African

Had an absolutely amazing weekend! It was the most fun that I have had in such a long time.

On Friday the 16th, Brendon arrived back from his travels away, so we had all suggested meeting at Swing Cafe for pre-drinks before hitting the clubs.

Now as many of my closer friends know, Swing Cafe and I don't exactly get along. I rarely leave that place in the right state of mind. Friday was no different.

I have had my drink spiked there once before and the other times it has just been awful experiences, I always get way to drunk way to quickly and make an idiot of myself.

Friday night I had about 4 hunters dry ciders and a coffee tequila shot. It was my first time in my drinking history that I had been brave enough to try a tequila. Don't think it was a good idea.

My head was spinning and Brendon and his good friend Gustav had to get my peanuts and water.

My nickname for years now has been 'Peanut' though I doubt I'll ever look at it the same way after Friday night.

I spewed EVERYWHERE!!!

Unfortunately I was far too drunk to make it to the actual party. Gustav, Brendon, Lucien and Chantelle bravely took me past a massive road block (we were all intoxicated) and got me into bed.

The stories from the rest of their night while I was in my drunken slumber are absolutely horrendous!!! - Lets just say that the next day no one could get a hold of Chantelle and I had to drag my hungover ass out of bed to take her shift in the gym. Thankfully just as I arrived she bolted through the door herself so I got to go back home. Think she is quite a bit of trouble of that though, because she was half an hour late for work and our boss Brendon was there waiting for her. Eek...

As for the rest of the day. I finally got over my hangover, and was supposed to go to my brother's 23rd birthday party but at the last minute I got a once in a lifetime chance to do a whole bunch of adventure activities with Brendon, Chantelle and Gustav for free! My mum told me to go have fun, think she was very jealous!

So off we drove to the Eastern Cape. If I don't have numerous amounts of speeding fines I will be shocked. Brendon, Gustav and I RACED to our destination, seeing who could get there first. I was in lead to begin with, going about 160 on an 80 road. Just as I was feeling pretty confident and professional I saw Brendon and Gustav on my tail and they soon sped past me and Chantelle begged me to slow down because she was getting nervous so I relaxed to about 145.

After arriving there we zip-lined through trees and above waterfalls. It was so insanely beautiful. Chantelle and Gustav are the funniest two people the world could ever meet. The two of them together is an absolute nightmare! My stomach muscles are in so much pain from laughing so hard this weekend.

Videos are up on facebook, you will see what I mean!

After we did our adventure stuff it was time to go to a Merrell charity event in aid of orphans. We all played around with the kids for a little while and had a glass of white wine. Then we decided it was time to do a bar hop.

..... I have NEVER in my entire life seen Plett so dead. It was worse than Knysna (which is saying something!) One place we went to literally told us to l eave at midnight because they were going to close for the night.

We got so bored that we stopped at a garage station and bought a whole bunch of biscuits and chocolates.

Back at the beach house, Brendon put on a horror movie called Haunting in Connecticut. I got about half way through but fell asleep. When I woke it was just me, Chantelle and Gustav on the couch all passed out like babies. Brendon had disappeared. I kicked Chantelle awake and we snuggled into our king sized bed in the other room.

Brendon and Gustav were meant to be sharing a room with two single beds but Gustav let a KILLER one rip and Brendon went to sleep on the couch. It was hilarious. BOYS!!!!

Sunday... Brendon and Gustav decided they wanted to go for a run. So after an amazing feast of a breakfast we all set off. Brendon and Gus went for a run while Chantelle and I were dropped off in a forest to mess around for an hour. We then all headed out to a nearby restaurant for lunch called The Heath. On the menu it said 'Jade's Cafe' so I was seriously chuffed!

Got talking to a couple of guys that were chilling outside because I'd recognized a really awesome song playing and they were quite impressed that I knew the artist, Yoav.

Fell asleep on the couch for a while when we all got back to the beach house... Then was rudely and SORELY awoken by Brendon slapping me! About two minutes after that I tried to watch the video of me yelping in pain and I walked right into a glass sliding door. Everyone was on the floor laughing at me! Assholes. Hee hee!

So overall it was an GREAT weekend!

Got Chinese soup for supper last night and watched Dear John.

Don't think there will be a weekend that could top this one. Pity about my missing out on the Friday, but I think I would be a zombie today if I'd fitted that part into my weekend too!

Thanx to everyone that made it such a special and memorable time!

Signing out,

Jade Wright

More pointless ramblings of a no body

Its almost the end of another week.

I suppose it did improve in the end.

My mum forgot to tell the vet about my dogs growth but she's on pain killers right now, so she is doing a lot better than before. She just needs a lot of love and attention.

South Africa has never been this cold since I have moved here. There is snow up on the Outeniqua Mountains. I went to see a few weeks back but I was too late. It has returned now, and I feel like I am back in England! I've started sleeping with a hot water bottle every night, two blankets, switched my heater on, and an over-sized jumper but I still shiver!

I love winter, but I think I am yearning for a bit of warmth on my skin now!!! In the shower this morning, I must have stayed under the flowing water for at least 15minutes, so reluctant to get out.

It is my brother's birthday today, so he's having a small group of friends around for a barbeque and some drinks. After I've shown my face for a couple of hours, I'm off to Plett to party with my boss, Gustav and Chantelle. Will be the 2nd time I've been out in Plett, not really keen to go out again, but I need to let loose for a while I think.

Last night I don't know what happened to me! I went to Swing Cafe with Chantelle. I knew I shouldn't have, because every single time I go there, I don't walk back through that doorway without staggering. I've had my drink spiked there once and it was the most petrifying experience. Last night I had about 4 drinks, so I'm not sure HOW I got so badly drunk, and I had my first ever shot of tequila! =)

It was almost a coffee flavor, was quite nice but don't think my body / liver liked it too much!

Somehow Chantelle, Brendon, Gustav and Lucien managed to get me home after a flirtatious talk with some police to get us out of being kicked into a cell for drunk driving!!!

Got home and into bed, passed out while they drove off to carry on with their night!

Got a text in the morning from my boss, Chantelle was meant to be on duty at the gym and she was already a half an hour late for work and her phone was off. I asked Brendon if he'd like me to fill in, so I shot up and shoved some clothes on and bolted to work.

When I got there he apologized as Chantelle had just walked through the door.

She's in a bit of trouble I think, as he says he will 'discuss it with her on Monday...' doesn't sound good! Eek!

Luckily I'm quite responsible when it comes to work and time. I am the sort of person that usually arrives at least 20minutes early, I hate being late!

Off for coffee with a good friend now, will fill you all in on my adventures at a later stage...

Enjoy what is left of the weekend,

Jade Wright

The Beginning of a new Week.

Its the beginning of a new week, and just as a I thought I was moving past my grandfathers death, something else had to come along and push me down again.

My Cassy dog (my first dog) has been acting up for about 2 days now. She has bad arthritis and this cold isn't doing her any justice. She's been shaking and whimpering, crying if we're not around her... then last night while I was giving her cuddles, I found a growth the size of a large grape on the side of her head. It looks like a brain. Pink and tiny red veins scattered around it. My mum says it doesn't look good.

We've called the vet, who is coming over at ten to take a look at her. I'll be at work, but my mum has promised not to let her do anything (like put her down) unless I'm there.

Otherwise, my weekend was great. Friday night I went out for the first time in weeks, maybe even months, and had such a good time. There were one or two things that I really could have done without, but overall it was a good night out with my friends.

Saturday morning I got to work still intoxicated, my head span all day. As soon as I finally got home after a morning in gym, I passed out for hours! I don't mean two or three hours, I mean about eight! It was amazing! Watched a bit of TV when I got up, but fell back asleep again until about eleven.

Sunday was no different. Slept ALL day. Think I really needed it!

Feeling much more alive than I have been in the last couple of weeks.

Hoping this week gets better... Its already off to a bad start!

Watched the Spain VS Holland match last night in bed with my kitten. What a messy match!!! Unfortunately I didn't get to watch the ending because as it was still 0-0 at about 86minutes in, I finally got bored and fell asleep. Heard Spain won though... I was supporting Holland so was pretty disappointed when I got onto facebook this morning and found out the news.

Since I'd been given a Holland shirt I'd worn it for every match, but last night I was in my Buddha top, so maybe I jinxed it! Oops!!!

Fingers and toes crossed that this week improves!

Signing off...

Jade

Just an Update

On a health diet. It sucks!!! Last two days have been pure torture trying to stay away from junk foods! I may have slipped up last night and eaten a pack of sour cream and red onion crisps....maybe.... on the first DAY of the diet.... I have no self-control.

Made a sale at work yesterday! So that is a HUGE weight lifted off my shoulders! Was really starting to stress, so at least I'm feeling a little better now! Still have a lot more to improve on though! Although this job is a lot of fun and I enjoy it, its still very tough. Way tougher than my months in the video store and art gallery.

Had a very busy day so far! Work started at 6am, luckily I just finished for the day because I do the weekend shift tomorrow. Got to be back at work at 5pm though because we're holding a cheese and wine social evening. Free wine and cheese? I'm not complaining!!!
At 8pm when the social is over, we have to clean up, then I'm off to Chantelle's house warming party. She's just moved into her own place. I'm jealous!
I bought her a really pretty duvet and pillow set as a house warming gift, which she loves.My boss, Brendon, has a whole group of friends coming down from PE so its going to be a BIG night!
May decide to go out for a couple of drinks with everyone after the party. I haven't been out in ages, think its time to let loose :)

Kitten is saying its love time, so I best be off!!

Opening up

I thought the plans after my grandfathers death would be to travel up to Cape Town after the weekend for a funeral.
Turns out there will be no formal funeral. My grandfather is going to be cremated, and transported down to Knysna with my Aunt and Uncle when they decide to come for some of the Oyster Festival. Once my grandfathers ashes have arrived, we will have a little gathering in the garden of my parents house, say our goodbyes and a few words. There onwards, my dad and his brothers will set off to scatter his ashes at the most appropriate spot.

I was hoping to get away from Knysna for a while to clear my head, but looks as though I'm stuck here for now.
Although I have teared up a few times around some of my closest friends, it still hasn't hit me that he's not alive.
I feel so stupid and vulnerable when people ask if I'm OK when they see that I'm not my usual smiley self, I try to say I'm fine, but I must be a bad liar. They see straight through it. My manager, Ansu, an amazingly sweet person, is the one that has probably seen me tear up the most. I try to walk away and hide it, but she makes it so easy to open up.
I don't understand why this is such an emotional thing. I know he was family, but I was never like this when my other Grandad passed away just under 3 years ago. I think the emotions from his death are also finally unleashing themselves, so its rather like a tsunami hit me than anything else.

I need to cheer up though, and get over it. Its time to move on. Being sad isn't going to change anything. Being sad is just going to waste time that I can't ever get back. He wouldn't have wanted me to be sad. So I think I need to respect his wishes, as much as it hurts.

Its going to be a pretty stressful week I think. Another reason I was quite keen to remove myself from this small town of conformity is because on Wednesday, work has a very important person coming in from oversea's to test me and the other Curves trainer's individually on our progress. She is going to test us on the muslces in our bodies and what muscles each machine works. She's also going to test us on our sales presentation, our phone scripts and a whole lot more. Got to be on top form! So I think its time to push aside all emotional baggage, crack open my study books and re-insert all of this information! I think I'll do alright, its just nerve wrecking knowing that she's so superior.

Before I do anything else though, there is one thing I need to get out the way before I can fully move on.
I'm taking a couple of hours out of this already miserable day to open up my old baby album to remember my late grandfathers' at their healthiest and strongest points. That is how I want to remember them. I want to look at the smiles on their faces from those 19 year old photographs
and smile back... then, I'm going to do the hardest part. I'm going to get the necklace my Grandad gave me when I was born (the one I can't bare to look at right now),
and put it around my neck. I'm going to keep it there for as long as I need to. Whenever I feel sad, I'm going to try and look at it and remember that he's no longer suffering.
He's happier now.
I'm sure I'll have more than one weakened, breaking moment, but that's expected.

I miss them both so much. I'll never be able to tell either of them that, but I know that they know I do.

The last couple of days have been an emotional roller-coaster, I've not dealt with it well (or at all really...)
The only time I've truly let myself go is when I got sent home from work to relax, and I took a moody walk down the train tracks to clear my head. I think I should go there more often. It seemed to help. There's something comforting about it there. Its dead silent, with gorgeous scenery near the lagoon edge and there's no worry about trains coming by as its been broken for years. Perfect place to go to when I need some alone time.

I know this feeling won't last forever, I know one day soon I will smile and mean it. Its just a matter of time.

Deaths breath has sent a chill down my protruding spine...

It happened. He passed away. It hasn't hit me. It was coming for such a long time that now it has actually happened, I don't believe it. He's still alive. He's still living in Cape Town and suffering. He isn't dead. Not to me...

I know I'm in denial. I know its not good for me. I know he's gone. I know I'll never be able to tell him I love him again. I can't even remember the last time I did.... I know I'll never get to see him again. But somehow, he's not dead. He can't be!

I have no grandfathers left...

This entry is a waste of time. I am just writing down exactly whats clogging up my heart.

Why do people always leave?

I am trying so hard to be strong, to lock it all up inside. I can't be alone. I can't see his picture. I can't look at the necklace he bought me when I was a new born.

We weren't amazingly close, but he was still a part of me. A part of me that is gone now.

The End

The song 'This is the End' by 'The Doors' seems quite convenient at this moment.

My Grandfather went into a coma a few minutes ago, and it hit me so hard in the pit of my stomach that this really could be the end....

I've been expecting it for so long, but now that it might finally be here, I don't think I could have ever prepared for this feeling.

The feeling is indescribable. My stomach feels light and empty, my eyes keep fighting back tears, I keep gasping in gulps of air, trying to prepare myself to hear the news.

I could never have been ready for this moment. Ever.

And So Ends A Very Interesting Month

Evening bloggers!

... I literally have no words to explain how amazing these past couple of weeks have been!

Had crazy soccer fever! Watched millions of matches (on the television unfortunately!), cheered my ass off and lets just say my liver is in need of some serious TLC! Poor organs been used and abused!

My Grandpa was given 24 hours to live about 3 days ago, and I got really depressed. Turned my phone off and drove hours off into the mountains for the day, then booze eventually lured me back to Knysna! When I turned my phone back on the next day, I didn't have any bad news awaiting me (just a splitting headache!) so I got curious and ventured home... HE'S STILL LIVING!!!!!!! Touch wood!! He was so bad that he couldn't even communicate and now although his body is frail, he's amazingly strong on the inside!!! He's an amazing man for struggling through the agony like this! I know I should want him not to suffer, but I can't deal with a part of me dying right now. I'll be so wrecked.

Lately things have been really unstable in my life. I've been going through so much shit that I honestly don't know how I'd handle losing a part of me like that.

The last 3 days have been absolutely incredible though! 'The Mongs' have been together yet again! And if your a regular reader of my pointless and boring blog (sad life you have!!!!) then you'll know who the MONGS are! Met some people from our home land on Fathers Day as well, and its been such a giggle being around them. They all left this morning to move on with their journey, was a sad goodbye but we're both so excited for them to experience SA to the fullest and have an awesome time!!!!

I have FINALLY put my mind in doing what I want most!!! I have begun saving up for tickets to Rome!!! It is my dream to go there, once I go there, my life will be complete. As I bollucked up my solo 'England Adventure', I've decided to retry the travel thing ONE DAY once I have the cash saved up! Which may be a while considering my uncontrollable shopping urges! - though something tells me this trip may just be a little different <3

Have nothing much else to say!

Working the early morning shift tomorrow so I better boil the kettle, make a cup of tea and snuggle into bed.

Sweet dreams guys, enjoy your weekend!!!!

Little J

Just a catch up

I realize I have neglected my blog for over a month now, and I am out of practice on my writing, so don't expect this blatantly random entry to be very impressive.

My life has made quite a large turn.
The open door I could not find in April, found me. I was skimming through the Action Ads one day when I saw an amazing job opporunity to be a trainee manager and fitness promoter at Curves. I applied straight away, got an interview and shortly after, the owners rang me up and told me I got the job!
So things have been seriously busy lately.

The hours are tough, early starts and late finishes but its worth it. I can honestly say I love my job. I'm around women all day, and the majority of them are friendly and talkative once you get to know them.
I have great a great co-worker and an amazing manager and bosses'.

One other thing.
Lydon and I split up.
It wasn't entirely a mutual decision. I broke things off because the passion dissappeared. It became like best friends, which when I say to people, they tell me that is how it is supposed to be.
Yes, we were best friends for over two and a half years... but there was no passion anymore. I love that guy so much and he knows it. It is up to him, but I would still love it if we could be in each others lives and not throw away two and a half years.
Maybe one day in the future things will change. Maybe all we need is some time apart. Who knows.
It would be no fun if you knew what was going to happen in the future. So I am enjoying the mystery.

Things are changing and I have no clue what the future has in store for me. Its much better than living each day knowing what is going to take place and where I'll be.

As I write this I am quite hungover.
My co-worker, boss and I all went out for All You Can Eat Sushi last night, and my boss introduced my co-worker and I to an extremely potent and evil drink called Sake.
Blargh!!!!
Just thinking of it makes me shudder!

Up early, its only 6am and I'm already at work - I kinda like these early starts though. I don't waste a day in bed when I could be up early, watching the beautiful sunrises out of works windows while I train women in gym.

In other news. My grandpa is still holding on! Its a miracle really. He was so close to the end. His spleen burst the other day and he ended up back in hospital but he recovered fairly quickly. I still haven't gone to see him. I'm too scared. This is when I need a boyfriend to support me the most and give me advice. It makes me so confused because when my Grandpa Leonard passed away all I regretted was not spending more time with him because him and I were so alike. So I just know I'm going to regret not spending time with my Grandpa Jack. But the thought of seeing him so lifeless scares me..... I just need a guy to hold me close and tell me it will all be OK.

OFF the emo topics!!!!!

Umm.... OK I think that's actually pretty much everything that has happened since my last entry!
Someone's here for training so I best be off!

Enjoy your weekend bloggers!

Signing out,

Jade Wright

It Doesn't Rain... It Pours!!

I seemed to have the perfect life...

After Matric I traveled around England solo, coming back a few weeks later to a boyfriend and family with open arms. I landed a perfect job. The bank approved a loan so that my boyfriend and I could build a flat. I also began to make friends with a new group of people... Life was good.

Obviously something had to come along and ruin it.

Yesterday morning my boss informed me that he is bankrupt and that I need to start searching for other employment.

A part of me is wondering whether or not that is true... I have this feeling deep in my stomach and heart that they are too kind hearted to tell me that they would rather man the shop themselves.

They are new to Knysna and don't seem to understand that art work is not always popular! You could go WEEKS without selling a scrap of canvas in a town like this when the tourists aren't here!

Alas they will have to learn the hard way.

I feel helpless and scared... With no means of money coming in and no job opportunities in this small ghost town; I am petrified.

People are telling me to look at the bright side of things, that when one door closes, another opens. Yet I see no doors ajar. I see no light in the distance.

All I can make out is a murky future, barely visible through all the smog.

It doesn't rain... It pours!

Hard-Ass People

A lot of things have been going on in the last couple of days...

My Grandfather is in hospital once again, weaker than ever, the cancer is overtaking him and he's getting too tired to fight. His heart failed. The doctor says that he can die at any moment.

If I could go back in time, I'd go back to spend more time with my late grandfather, who died two years ago. I wouldn't have taken the time I had with him for granted... I can't change that.

My dad's father doesn't have long left, and I would love to spend some heart-aching quality time with him (no matter how much it hurts) but my dad won't let us.

My dad doesn't want us to see him now, while he's at his weakest, because he believes if his dad see's us all around his hospital bed, he'll realize we're saying our goodbyes; and have nothing left to fight for.

My heart goes out to every other soul in this world that has ever felt the way I do right now.. because it is torturous; and one of the most painful moments of my life - realizing that someone in my family is dying right now, is in agony right now, and there is nothing that I can do to help. I can only wait.......

The one thing that I need right now, that I couldn't ever ask anyone for, is for someone's arms to wrap around me safe and tight, and just let me cry.

I have never felt this weak. Its strange... because on the outside, I look like the strongest I've ever been, yet inside, I'm giving up hope.

- I guess if you think about all the hard-ass people in the world; sure they look strong and bold, but most of them are emotionally destroyed; like me.

So maybe I'm not so different.

Writers' Block

I haven’t written in such a long time – it pains me inside, as writing was once the one thing that saved my life, the one friend that I could rely on. Now it seems that I have turned my back to it, leaving it on the outskirts of my life. I guess I’m feeling euphoric these days, and have no need for its companionship anymore. It is not that I do not wish to write any longer, I would love to; but there has been no inspiration, no overly emotional experiences to set me off on one of my writing rampages. Even now – I find myself dissatisfied with this work, and the temptation to just highlight it all and press ‘backspace’ is so strong.

It’s almost as if I have been sleeping for decades and suddenly I get that vertiginous falling sensation and wake with a start... Realising how long it has actually been since I have set time aside for my life passion and dream. The writer’s block that I am suffering through right now, and have been for the last two or three years, is making future prospects seem dim. It isn’t often anymore that I can relish an evening in, pouring my heart and soul out onto pen and paper.

The feeling of overcoming this writers’ block and defeating its power is so sublime; I wish I was strong enough. Alas, it has built a wall around my interior, barricading off all inspiration that I once let in like the ocean current.

Writers’ block is the most frustrating and overpowering sensation that I have ever felt. I feel as though my life is not my own, as though it is not me behind the wheel. I feel caged in and destroyed; as though my hands are tightly tied behind my back and my mouth has been cello taped shut for eternity. It feels as though all hope is lost, as though the life has been sucked out of me and as though I am bone dry and lifeless on the inside. It feels as though my soul is dying.

Let me get over this writer’s block. Let me feel alive again. I beg of you.

Mong's Day Out

That’s what we used to call each other, Rachel and I; ‘mong’s.’

It is a British slang word, meaning ‘retard.’ A few years back when Rachel and I were inseparable, nobody could have stopped us in our paths for anything that we did. We were so free-spirited and worry-free. We hadn’t a care in the world about what other people thought of us, and we were happy above all else.

Having not spent much time together over the recent years, we finally set a day together to be ourselves...

9:15am – I drove my white Honda Jazz over to her place, picked her up and drove us to the Face to Face Makeup Design School in Knysna while listening to my new Nickelback CD. We had volunteered to be models for the makeup artist students to work on for the morning.

(I managed to convince Rachel to begin studying at the design school with me for the next couple of months, to gain an international degree) – The makeup students are already excellent, yet they have only been studying for three and a half weeks. An old friend that I competed against in the Miss Pearl Beauty Pageant in 2009 was one of the new students which was a nice surprise and it was nice to catch up with her as well.

12:01pm – Having completed four sets of different eye makeup techniques on us, the teacher gave me a full makeover so that I could go to work looking my best. I took Rachel with me until her dad came to fetch her, and while waiting for him, she had ran across to the evil restaurant, ‘Il De Pain’, to fetch me a humungous pizza slice and a healthy looking yet mouth watering sandwich for herself. Somehow, (I don’t know how exactly...) Rachel and I always manage to make fools of ourselves, and today, standing outside my shop munching on our lunch was no different! I take an unnecessarily large bite out of my pizza, ravenous after skipping breakfast this morning. Off with my bite falls ALL the top layer of my pizza, the layer of cheese and sweet tomato’s dangling from my mouth. I hear Rachel’s giggle start up, slowly turning into a full on laugh, which set me off as well as I try my best to stuff the best part of the pizza into my mouth at once.

12:34pm – Once gone, I retreated back inside the shop to keep warm. We had arranged to meet up at 17:30pm again, once she was done with her History A-Level homework and after I’d had a chance to relax after work. Tonight’s plan that we had concocted involved, ‘Mr Darcy (and all of his brilliance!), copious amounts of wine and a much needed sushi binge. Excited to get my next three and a half hours of work over with, I waited impatiently for my boss to visit the shop one more time, because as soon as I was sure that he was on his way back to Plett, I could begin slacking off and watching movies on my laptop during the quiet / boring parts of the day. The store sometimes goes an hour or two with no one coming in, not even to browse, so it is good to have something to keep me busy instead of boring myself to death.

14:14pm – Boss still hadn’t arrived back and so I dug Audrey Niffenegger’s novel, ‘The Time Traveller’s Wife,’ out of my black and white Audrey Hepburn bag, attempting to read it; although my mother had told me that even she had found it a difficult read. I knew it was too risky to put on the Family Guy movie. Even if I did pause it before my boss walked in, the look on my face would condemn me.

22:09pm - Back from Rachel's house. Petrified once again. Having rented the Pride & Prejudice series with good old Colin Firth acting as our Mr Darcy, we were quite thrilled to get back to her place and pop it on. While munching on Bow Tie's sushi, which has seriously lost credibility after tonight (bleh!), we realized that we weren't in the mood to watch a crappy version of our cherished, Jane Austen's, 'Pride and Prejudice.' Instead we shut it off after ten minutes and decided to give the original 'Paranormal Activity' a try. We had both seen a copy, where it ended with Katie stabbing her boyfriend to death, then retreating back up those creepy wooden stairs to rock backwards and forwards for three days before getting shot by a police man................ This one was waaaayyyyy different! We got the biggest fright of our lives after realizing this clearly wasn't the same ending, as her boyfriend suddenly got his dead, bloody body hurled across the bedroom and into the camera. Katie then crouches down to begin eating him, when she remembers the camera is still recording; so she looks up, smiles... and begins to crawl towards the camera! AAAHHH!!!

The alternate ending was different to the one we had seen too. She came back into the room, knife in hand, but instead of rocking back and forth for three straight days she walks right up to the camera and we watched her slit her own throat.

Gruesome. Freaky. Completely and totally awesome!

Driving home in the dark after watching that though, made my heart race. My mind spinning with evil things that could happen, overreacting in every possible way. Thankfully my boyfriend stayed on the phone with me for the whole ride back, so I felt safer.

Guess its time to leave me door open and lamp on again for the next couple of nights, that sort of movie is bound to give people insomnia and other chronic sleeping disorders!!!

Wish me luck!

A Moment in Time

My nights seem restless, uneven; due to my crepuscular kitten.

4am he wakes, ready to pounce and play.

My working days have now become a fighting struggle to stay awake, and by the time I lock up shop, the concentration it takes to drive home drains me of the last drop of life I have in me.

The days are becoming blurred and in a sense, while I am in a moment I can feel my mind fighting to remember the scene as a memory already, something that I should not consciously notice.

The signs are cognizable to me, I know what this means... and I will not let the darkness carry me away again.

I pulled myself out of my black abyss a long time ago, and I refuse to fall back into it with bended knees.

I have to abstain myself from the temptation of giving in. The darkness is comforting, quiet and surreal; yet petrifying, isolating and deathly at the same time.

This is not the kittens fault. His little blue eyes and high pitched squeal makes it impossible to stay annoyed with him. No. This I had felt creeping back to me long before the kitten came into the picture.

I will not let it take over my life as it has done many times before.

A surge of glee rushes through my body like ocean waves, as I realize I am fighting the urge to fall back into the blackness (not yielding), for the first time.

For the first time I feel myself controlling my own life. It is as if I have finally seen the smallest twinkling glint in the distance; something to pull me through this moment of weakness.

Only Time Will Tell

With finally a night alone, I have decided to dedicate it to creating my own blog site. Although not particularly good at this right now, I'll get the hang of it eventually!

Feeling pretty pensive tonight. Have far too much on my mind for it to be comforting. Along with a glass of ice cold water and a mini magnum ice cream, I have found refuge in my room.

My new kitten which I named Stryker, has been outside in the nice, cool breeze for over half an hour, stalking the chickens in their den.

Glad for it to finally be nightfall after the refulgent and hideously hot day, my mind is spinning with thoughts of the future.

This always happens to me, I come to realize. Nights alone always result in my thoughts carrying me away into a world of worries and nerves.

They are just every day worries, such as if all the things I could have done this year would have been better for me.

Whether or not rejecting my acceptance to the ICA chef program, forgetting about studying Journalism and running scared from my idea of starting fresh in England actually would have been the right decisions to have made.

Instead I found a good job and a college in Knysna that I will be joining soon to study makeup art, reflexology and massage. I got to stay in the town I know, experiencing little new and able to see my boyfriend whenever I like without having to worry about things such as distance. We are building our own flat which will be ready in a couple of months, we got a kitten together (Stryker) and we are happier than ever before.

- That all sounds amazing, a fairytale... But who knows how it will plan out?

As for now, I don't know what the right decision was. Only time will tell.

Here I thought creating a blog would get my mind off of this overwhelming topic, yet all it has done is shove its way into another part of my life. Fantastic!

As if I'm not feeling vindictive enough about other certain things, now I'm feeling vindictive against my own over-crowded and jumbled up thoughts too!

I wish I could stop thinking of these things and just live my life day by day, but I guess I'm at that age now where it is something continually on your mind and worrying you.

Enough for tonight; it is too hot to think clearly and I notice I am making something I hope to be elaborate into something quite confusing, scrambled and utterly boring.