Stumbling My Way Through Life One Glass of Wine at a Time

Stumbling My Way Through Life One Glass of Wine at a Time

Tuesday, June 25, 2019

The Basic Steps to Healing...

I always thought when I finally felt up to investing my time into looking for work on the yachts again it would be the day I knew I would be OK. I'll survive. Oh how wrong I was.
I'm as sick as can be right now having just spent a jaw-dropping amount of money I don't have on medicine and have been in bed all day scouring the internet for jobs. Even trying to take a sip of water feels like knives going down my throat.... (WISHING I had someone to bring me chicken soup, stroke my hair and make me feel better but alas this is a time of loneliness for me.)


I guess for the most part job hunting has been going well... 
I've already been offered a job willing to fly me to Tunisia later this week but I turned it down because my gut feeling (which I'm going to start bloody listening to from now on!!) wasn't a happy camper. 
However, even with a seemingly good response after putting a few hours work into applying for various jobs floating around the med - I have tears in my eyes. 

That saying, 'New Beginnings Are Often Disguised As Painful Endings,' is so true. 

If you aren't interested in the raw, unfiltered rambles from a heartbroken mind then move along now - but some lovely people have actually reached out and commended me for how open and honest I am with what I'm going through. 
I'm not doing it for attention. 
Not at all.
I'm doing it because if someone stumbles across my blog in the future who is going through something similar I hope she or he will be able to realise that they aren't alone. 
If I am able to help just one other person in this world by sharing my experiences then that's enough for me. 
I know what I'm going through is MINUTE compared to what others go through in life and I know I'm lucky in many ways... but this is my story and I know there are people out there somewhere going through something similar.  

I wish I could stop feeling so devastated but how can I when it feels like the last two years of my life was a complete lie?? 
To have the man you thought was your soul-mate tell you that you never made him happy is like running over me with a train. 
I can't get those words out of my head. The last words he ever said to me. I wish he could take it back. I wish he could tell me what he said wasn't true.
Never say something so hurtful to someone who loves you because you never know if they'll be the last words you ever speak to them.
People are telling me that people say hurtful things during breakups and that they don't mean them - that those words are a way to make you move on... but truly I'd be able to move on easier if I had closure that I didn't just make him miserable for two straight years. 
I know I wasn't great. 
But I thought we had some incredible, fun and happy moments. 
I know I was the happiest I had ever been yet also the most depressed at the same time because the truth is that I never could adjust to life in a new country.
I'd done it once before in Mallorca and I could never get over how triggering it was for me to be in such a similar situation again. 
I moved to a country for a guy I met on Tinder again. Had given up my entire life to be there. 
The only difference was that in Mallorca I trusted TOO much. I was SO carefree and happy and bubbly. I was always off bouncing around with new friends and having the time of my life but in Australia I was so Goddamned cautious because of how hurt I was in Mallorca that I never ALLOWED myself to fully let go and embrace it. 
I wish I had now.... I wish S hadn't hurt me so badly all those years ago that even to this day it still affects me.... but things didn't work out that way. 
I can't change that... but I can change the future. 
I am never going to give up my independence ever again or sacrifice what little I do have in life for someone else. I've done it so many times now only to regret it... because in the end I end up with nothing.

I know I stuffed up a lot with M and made things unbearable and took things out on him that I shouldn't have. But I also know I made him laugh and smile and I really didn't think he could ever say something like, 'I never got happiness from you.' 
Those words have destroyed me. 
I never meant to make him unhappy.
I am a good person with a huge heart....  a part of me wishes he had met me before Mallorca when I wasn't broken. Things would have been so different then. I feel back then I would have been exactly the girl for him - and he was able to see small snippets of that girl in me somewhere.. but it just wasn't enough.

Finding a way to heal after what I went through in Spain and now Australia is proving to be the most challenging thing in life...
I'm still trying to navigate through freeing myself from a life tethered by insecurity BUT I've realised the basic steps are as follows:

1. Focus on myself for one.
Do things that make me happy like running (never thought I'd say that but I've truly started loving it!), hiking, cooking, surfing, writing, anything creative...
Be around people that make me a better person.
2. Don't jump into a new relationship.
This is now time for ME. I don't want a man to define my happiness. I want to be happy and love myself first. 

3. Build a life for myself not someone else.
I guess one of my main mistakes I've done OVER and OVER again is give up everything for everyone and focus so much on making someone else happy.
I want to finally create this cottage or a home in general and make it MY safe haven.
I want to get that beautiful border collie I've always dreamt about one day and have her be MINE not OURS.
I want my independence back. Not have to answer to anyone. To be a recluse if I want to be and be outgoing when I feel that need to be around others. I want to cook what I want without having to always ask what someone else wants. I want to put my needs and wants first for once. 

4. Create my own friendships. In a tiny town like Knysna this is hard. Especially as the majority of my friends have left for overseas OR have already settled down with kids and partners... but I just want to focus on my own friendships. In the past I always slotted in with my partners friendship group and when it inevitably ended I had no one there for me. I need to put myself out there and find new friends in Knysna that enjoy the same things as me - and reach out to my old friends who are overseas but will come here on holiday and make time to see me.

5. Meditate. Stretch. Exercise. Drink Less. 
My life has always been so busy bending over backwards for someone else or just being too exhausted or sad to do anything else other than switch on Netflix and pour a glass of wine at night. 
It's been a BEAUTIFUL feeling to take the time out of my day to run 5ks with my dog, meditate while soaking in the bath, allowing myself the time to stretch and love my body the way I always should have but never did. 
In one way I am feeling so good - it's just the actual heartache from losing my best friend that is still crushing me. I know people say the heartbreak will end.... and maybe it will. But I'd never been more sure about someone in my life. I still struggle to accept it's really over forever - but it has to be. The things he has said and done - the way he just kicked me out of the country and made his friends tell me he doesn't love me anymore.. the black and white text reading I never made him happy as the last message he ever sent me... it's the cold hard truth that it's done and some days I get that... but others I don't. 

I went on a 'date' the other night after this guy we'll call A sent me a glass of wine when I was sitting at a pub with my brother. It was nice. And M is no longer the last person I've kissed, which felt incredibly weird. But I am so petrified all guys want me for is sex and regardless I'm just not ready for that yet. I know I need to move on eventually and potentially the best way to get over M is to get under someone else - but I'm so confused. I don't want to be just used for sex yet at the same time I'm not ready to dive back into something serious. 
I want to take things SLOW for once and find someone that ticks all my boxes. 

6. Make a list of the things you need from a partner and don't settle for any less.
Because of what I've been through, there are certain things I need out of a relationship that may sounds completely pathetic to most people but they are things I know will make me happy.
I want someone who opens the car door for me, understand my passions for books, bookstagram, booktube, writing etc.. someone who will support those passions. Take an interest in them. Join me in them. I want someone willing to make a goofball out of himself and laugh at himself and not give a shit about what his mates think of him. I want someone not scared to put me on his social media - who wants to show me off and shout me out for being amazing. I want someone romantic. Someone who will surprise and spoil me... someone who will be walking past a flower store and think of me and get me a flower just because. Not that I actually like flowers... I'm more of a plant person. Don't give me something that's just going to die haha. My new found favorite plant I can't get enough of is Golden Pothos! 
I saw this thing a while back where this girl got home and found a dress laid out on her bed with a pair of earrings and some shoes and a note that told her where to be at a certain time. Those things make me melt. I am a hopeless romantic and I literally can't help it. 
I want someone who won't fart in front of me. Someone who loves cooking and likes cooking with a partner. I want someone who isn't stubborn because I'm stubborn enough for the both of us.
I want someone who likes to read and drink wine, learn new things, travel, laugh, experiment and live life to the fullest... but I also want someone who like me, is happy to not be on the go 24/7. I love cozy days at home! 
I need someone faithful. Trustworthy. 

These are things I've always craved in relationships but never got and I always ended up disappointed. I don't want to settle anymore.

I don't want these things NOW... but when I'm ready, these are some of the things I need. 

There's probably more basic steps to healing but I can't be bothered to write anymore. My fever is high and I fear I'm going to wind up in hospital having my tonsils removed at this rate so I'm off to rest. 

Sorry this wasn't as humorous as most of my recent posts. I've been having a weird, emotional day and just needed to let it out.

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Tuesday, June 18, 2019

Freeing Myself from a Life Tethered by Insecurity

This morning I've woken up and noticed that the heartache has finally started to ease. 
The pangs of pain and realisation that I've lost my best friend and lover have dissipated.
My smile is no longer fake. 
My laughter doesn't seem forced.
I can get out of bed and change out of my pajama's without it seeming to be the hardest thing to do in the world. 
I can concentrate on books and taste the flavors in food again.
I can enjoy the feeling of the sand beneath my toes and my hands on the steering wheel of the car.
I can lace up my running shoes and have a good sweat out... and those endorphins don't disappear the moment I set foot back in doors.

 

It no longer hurts me when I see my ex partners friends remove me from their friends lists...
They never cared about my friendship to begin with.
I've accepted I was only ever tolerated.
So I don't give a crap about not having them there to judge me anymore.
Perhaps they don't realise just how shitty they actually are. 
I owned up to all of my past mistakes and tried to right my wrongs...
but alas I was never enough for them.. 
and I've learned that if people truly don't think you're good enough for them and just in general don't like you then good fucking riddance to them.


I'm at a place in my life where if I'm not the kind of person you want me to be then that's your problem.
I'm growing into the person I was always meant to be. 
It's not been easy and I've been through hell to get here.
My anxiety and depression are things I've always been ashamed of but now I'm learning to love myself properly for the very first time... to pat myself on the back for working harder than ever on my flaws. 
I know I'll never be perfect but I have certain issues that need addressing. 
I have huge trust-issues and can get jealous at the smallest of things... but my sister-in-law and I had a big heart to heart recently and she made me understand that the only person I'm hurting by being jealous is myself. 
If a person if going to cheat on you they are going to cheat on you. There's nothing you can do to stop that. 
I've been living my life so cautiously over the past few years since S cheated on me with so many women... I never had the real time alone to deal with what happened so that I could heal and not let jealousy eat away like a cancer in future relationships. 

I don't want to be the kind of girl I have been... the kind who is so insecure and measures herself up to every other woman in the world. I pick myself apart and steal the joy from my life by comparing myself to others. 
I become so Goddamned paranoid by who my (ex) partners are texting or who they are talking to in a bar if I'm not there.... 
but I've FINALLY realised that if they want to cheat on me nothing I can do will stop them but what will MAKE them be more likely to cheat is me literally having them on such a tight leash that they never have a life of their own. 

I've finally learned that I need to let my insecurities go and it's the most freeing feeling in the world because the only thing I'm doing by being jealous and insecure and comparing myself to everyone else is ruining any chance I actually have of a peaceful, happy life. 

I've been tethered to a life of  self-doubt so far too long. I'm finally breaking free.
I don't know where the hell this road will take me now that my leash is gone.
I don't know where I want it to take me besides to that peaceful, happy life I and EVERYONE (even those aforementioned idiots...) deserve.

My life has become one big, 'I DON'T KNOW...' and I kind of like it.


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Sunday, June 16, 2019

I'm Going to Write a Book!

I'm going to write a self-help book! 

My immediate family laughed at me this afternoon when I made this announcement. They were all, 'YOU!? Write a self-help book!? Why don't you help yourself first before trying to help other people.' Yes.
It was mean.
I agree.
HOWEVER... 
Having just been through my one hundred and thirteen billionth breakup (but hey, who's counting?) I've had a lot of very sweet messages from friends and followers over the past two weeks and their messages all pretty much boil down to the fact that a) I've been through A LOT of shit and b) I always seem to land on my feet.

Right now I'm clearly feet up in the air feeling pretty bloody sorry myself but facts are facts and at some stage once the grief and self-pity has passed the truth is YES.... I do end up landing on my feet.
I'm like a cat.... but with a fuck more lives than 9 to keep me going after all the shit I've been through!!!

So here it is... 

I predominantly write fiction.
Thrillers to be exact.... 
But I've come to realise that if I can help just ONE other person in the world then that will make my life complete so I'm going to write a self-help book. 
God knows if it's ever going to go anywhere because from what I know you have to be relatively well known for books like that to make it in the industry but who bloody cares at this point? 

This book will be about all the nitty gritty in life that so many people hide and refuse to speak out about. It's not only going to be about living a life with anxiety and depression and having a history of self-harm but it's also going to be about breakups in general, feeling excluded, social anxiety, body dysmorphia, comfort eating, alcoholism, narcotics, abusive relationships, trust-issues, the lies of brave faces, being sexually assaulted, feeling unlovable, the motions of breakups and SLOWLY becoming enough to be WHO YOU REALLY ARE..... (that's the part I'm going through right now.. the others I either already have or am currently battling through too). 

I don't want it to be a depressing book even though it sounds it from all the aforementioned delightful traits people like me possess..... 
I want to help people..... because like I've been told lately, no matter what it is I go through somehow I DO end up landing on my feet and not pulling the proverbial trigger on the gun (only because there isn't a real one to pull... KIDDING..... sometimes...).

I want to help others land on their feet too.... even if it's just one other person. 
I just want to help other people going through a rough time and give them something relate-able... something they can understand and feel and comprehend. I want to show them I know what it's like, maybe not EXACTLY because everyone's shit is different - but the way those things make them feel, the things they do that cocks things up in their lives and the potential things they could do to fix not their actions but THEMSELVES is what I want to focus on.

That's my new project..

I'm thinking of calling it, 'How to (Somehow) Always Land on Your Feet,' by Jade Lee Wright.




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Thursday, June 13, 2019

What the Fuckery

I went for a run yesterday morning to start the day and was in the middle of doing some stretches afterwards when my dad walked passed me, stopped abruptly and asked me what on earth I was doing...
I must have been doing it wrong because he asked me to please try not to break the cupboard..... which is marble so pretty much impossible for me to damage. 
I do feel rather insulted by his request...
Then Kerry stumbled out for the first time in days clutching a cigarette in her shaking fingers and called my father 'Whiskey-Face....' 
Clearly trying to make herself feel better after being unconscious for the last 72 hours from what I suspect was alcohol poisoning.

I went out and had wine and ultra cheesy nachos with a friend I've always called G-Spot... not that he would know where my g-spot is because I've never found it myself. Oh - and we've never done the... you know... deed.
He very helpfully figured out exactly what's wrong with me (if you believe in horoscopes and all that jazz).
He told me I'm both a Bull (Taurus. May. VERY stubborn.) And a Goat  (Chinese astrology what-the-fuckery).
In layman's terms.... I'm two incredibly stubborn earth signs rolled into one mighty mess. Thanks mum and dad for conceiving me during the WORST possible time. I'm all your fault. Literally.

Google told me that my best Chinese horoscope matches are Rabbits, Horses or Pigs.
So basically I could either be with someone who fucks like a rabbit, is hung like a horse or lives like a pig.
I swear life just keeps getting better for me.
I also strongly believe I've been with all 3 of these types of people before.

Google also told me Goats eat and urinate most frequently.
At least it got something right.

We're also currently in 2019 (just in case you didn't know).
The year of the pig.
This explains EVERYTHING.

Maybe I do believe in this whole horoscope thing...

In other news... I did not get the job heading to the black sea next week which is depressing as I'd really thought the interview had gone well. 
I'm going to google my horoscope and figure out my life... hold on.

Image result for spongebob 2 hours later

Fuck.

On March 7th Uranus entered my sign FOR THE NEXT 7 YEARS.
I don't know what that means but it sounds bad.

I swear you couldn't make this stuff up.

I went on a daily horoscope thingy and it said:

'Today will suit you but don't expect miracles. Now is a time for healing (accurate). In the weeks ahead you will restore harmony to your energies and regain your fitness with improved diet and lifestyle (I am incredibly stiff from running....). Your emotional life gets an overhaul as well, as you find the courage to confront certain unsettling issues. 

Right....
You know how people say you can never believe horoscopes because the people who write them find a way to relate it to absolutely everyone?? Well - I for one think this was FREAKISHLY accurate.
It scared me a little. 

Oh goodie there's a page about what tomorrow has in store for me. Lets have a look-see.

Crap.

You may not know which way to turn, Taurus. You may be emotionally weighed down by sentimental feelings and memories that bind you to the past. You may also feel restricted by authority figures who've been around the block more times than you, and therefore feel they have the right to tell you how to run your life. Try not to let your thoughts get tied up in either of these scenarios.


So FYI people.. tomorrow will be a bad day for me. I'll probably be in a snot-filled breakdown crying into the Carlton footie jumper I got from my ex. 
Yeah.... if you need me tomorrow that's where I'll be. 

HOWEVER... it rates your general moods out of 5 stars and today I only got a 2 star rating for sex and it shoots up to 4 stars tomorrow.... so this is promising. 

It also gives you cards of the day.. kind of like tarot I guess and tomorrows card is The Hanged Man..... brilliant. 
It means: An unsettling mysterious card (no shit...). By letting go and giving up, as painful as it may be, this symbolism suggests that we can overcome restrictions, find what we have been looking for, and ultimately become free, self-determined beings.


Excuse me for a minute while I go and bookmark this horoscope page.......

Oh yes.
I've been running just under 5ks this week while listening to Bridget Jones Diary - The Edge of Reason. 
I think I enjoy these books so much because there's finally a person more marvelously fucked up than I am.
Except Bridget's fictional.

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Tuesday, June 11, 2019

Coming to Terms with Things... and a Potential Happy Death!

Ventured out of the comforts of my bed yesterday to buy ingredients to make pasta as I'd seen some FABULOUS person on instagram who has the name 'Less Upsetti More Spaghetti.' 
I instantly had an intense craving for bolognese.
Dad and I stopped at the bowling club on the way to the store so he could fix some complicated looking electrical whatsitt  so I sat in the corner and continued to read Furiously Happy by Jenny Lawson.
There are TWO reasons I burst into floods of tears at the bowling club.  

1. M and I had been there just the other day getting bowling lessons from my dad and the memories came back to me like a punch in the gut.

2. There's an entire chapter in Furiously Happy about Jenny's trip to Australia. NOT the right time, Jenny. Not the right time at all. 

I'd been avoiding picking up another book called Six Minutes by Petronella McGovern as it's set in Canberra and I just can't handle anything to do with Australia right now. I mean, even when looking for a jigsaw puzzle to keep my mind busy the cheapest one I could find was of Sydney.... REALLY!? Thank you life.

Once more during my breakdown cuddled into my fathers shoulder (yes I am aware I am far too old to do that but I'm in a very fragile state...) I had some revelations.
I realised the closest I will ever come to a Koala is fingering ones arse at Steve Irwin's zoo.
I'll never see the Great Barrier Reef, surf in Byron Bay or live happily ever after with M.
I am coming to terms with that now... coming to terms with everything I've lost and everything I'll never have. 

I was up until 4am this morning scouring the internet for jobs on yachts and ski resorts. 



I have the qualifications needed and considering I'm penniless this would be a good way to get back on my feet relatively quickly.
The yachts made me miserable in the past but I was held back by an ex boyfriend who wouldn't let me travel so I was stuck on shitty day cruise boats filled with prostitutes and drugs... so I'd only accept a job offer on a yacht if it is in a healthier environment. 

I've always wanted to work a ski season. Snow and winter are some of my favorite things.. and if I had the chance to base myself in Banff or Jasper I'd be thrilled. 

Right now I am eagerly awaiting a video call interview for a possible job leaving for The Black Sea NEXT WEEK. 


Seriously did NOT think this would be where life was taking me but there you go.
All I know right now is that I cannot and will not continue to live at home watching my mother deteriorate daily. At this current moment in time at 12pm she is face-planted in bed in clothes she hasn't changed out of since Friday last week and has a bottle of vodka swirling around her liver. She's unconscious, again. 
I can't live in an environment like that ever but especially not right now when I am heartbroken and in a dark place of my own. It brings me down immensely. The fabulous thing about this yacht job is that it's 2 months with not one day off so no drinking at all and a crew gym to workout and focus on health and happiness. Yes PUH-LEASE.

If however I don't land this gig on the yacht it would appear I have timed my return to Knysna well considering the Knysna Oyster Festival is coming up. 
I'm thinking I can just drown myself in a mountain of freshly shucked oysters.
That would be a happy death.

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