Productivity and Alcoholism

Yesterday was a relatively productive day.

I got up around 4am - my body clocks usual time these days.. and got to work unpacking my suitcase. I guess I was still in denial and living out of a suitcase seemed easier than to unpack it... because that felt like closing a chapter I'm frankly still not ready to let go of.

But I did it.

I got boxes of my old clothes and random bits and bobs from the storage room and sifted through those... I found old clothes, jewellery, furniture, shoes etc.

It was kind of like going to a second-hand store after all these years.

I was delighted to find my leopard print onesie which is currently keeping me toasty in the 3 degree climate.

I found my Olympia E-PL7 camera which I'm going to start using this week and work on my photography skills.

I threw out a bunch of crap I seemingly hoarded ... except for all the stuff that remind me of M. The Face Your Fears jumper he bought me after he'd bungee jumped... the Carlton footie jumper he got me just 2 weeks ago for my birthday... my beanie from Canada... a Brisbane hoodie...

I folded them into a pile and packed them away in the back of my cupboard where I can't see them but I know they're still there.

I just can't let them go.

This is the most painful breakup I have ever gone through.

The ironic thing is that my promise ring from M broke the other day and I had it repaired but I can't bring myself to collect it because I can't look at it.

Basically... I'm completely lost.

To make matters worse, caught mum (who from here on in will be called Kerry because I no longer associate myself with her as my family) drinking gin at 5am this morning.... this is after she'd been unconscious yesterday afternoon when her grandchildren came over for a family BBQ.

Dad and I took the bottle from her and she called me a cunt and told me it's no wonder M doesn't want me anymore.... which is wonderful really.

Alcoholics are a disgraceful life form. Even though she's completely lost her mind, has let the booze destroy her brain and body - she still manages to a) say the MOST hurtful things humanly possible to those around her and b) somehow find hiding spots for booze you would never think of yourself such as in shampoo bottles and inside her telescope.

I am aware this is a very private topic to be spoken about so publicly but I honestly couldn't care less.

Rehab is voluntary and she doesn't think she has a problem (ha!). Regardless, rehab refuses to take her unless she goes to hospital first to detox. Which she won't do.

The only way forward is a mental institute and considering her brain has rotted away I think it's the best place for her.

The mother I once had who was my best friend and travel buddy is gone. The mum with bold red spiral curled hair and a passion for art and who was the most creative and loving person I knew is dead. She is dead. My mother doesn't exist anymore. She's been replaced with a balding, skin and bone blubbering mess who makes no sense and can't even walk.

I've tried everything. I've tried doing Sober October or various other alcohol free challenges. I've tried talking to her nicely and offering to support her in every way possible. I've tried pushing her out of my life completely. I've tried everything to no avail. There is nothing more I can do. I'm sorry but I give up.

Being back in this environment, in a home that until this morning was sickeningly filthy (I scrubbed the shit (literally) out of the place after the gin situation) and having to live with someone who calls me a bitch, a cunt and tell me it's no wonder the love of my life doesn't want me... it's beyond toxic. Yet I have no where else to go. I am penniless. I gave everything I had to give to M and it still wasn't enough to pay him back for everything he did for us... so even though I had a job until recently the salary I earned is M's because it's his, really.

I literally have nothing.

I hear all these stories about how people just bugger off, leaving everything they ever had behind and starting from scratch again but I don't know how.

How do you afford to go somewhere new? How do you afford to start up again when literally all you have is $18 AUS dollars in your bag that your father gave you so you could buy some lunch.... when I say I having nothing left I mean it. I realise some don't even have that $18 dollars and at least I have a roof over my head... I know I should be grateful but it's so hard to be when this is what I live with.

I'm embarrassed and ashamed of my life.

I don't want to be in South Africa but at the same time this is the first time I've had my dad, brother, sister-in-law and nephews close by for years. Being able to bond with my dad and have brother/sister time and watch my nephews grow up is something I haven't had until now... but how can I stay in an environment so toxic?

Dad and I are supposed to start renovating the cottage today. Smashing walls down seems like a delightful thing to do today given my current mental state.

I just don't know if I should renovate the cottage, move in there at the end of July, write a new book and just take a year to have all the things I haven't had in years.... even if it means living on the same property as the worst mother in the world. It would be lovely to have my cats and dedicate time to doing the things I'm passionate about: writing, reading, cooking, podcasting, youtubing etc.

It doesn't pay the bills but dads said he'd help me out for a year while I try and figure out what I want to do in life.... but then I'll be 29 and still penniless.... hopefully with a bestselling novel under my arm but still.

I've come to terms with the fact that I will never be rich. I'll never have an incredible job and be able to buy my own house. I'll never get married or have children. If I never have sex or a boyfriend again I'd be A-OK with that. I'm not saying that because I'm bitter... it's just a fact. I refuse to start over again with someone new. I don't want that.

I went back through my blog posts from before M and found a post promising myself I would never move country for a man ever again and look what I did.... I moved to Australia to be with M. I gave up a beautiful flat where I could go to sleep every night listening to the roaring waves, I gave up an incredible job at the best art gallery in South Africa, I sold all of the furniture I'd bought myself, spent my life savings and left all of my friends and family behind.

Now I'm back with nothing.

This is a level of pain I have never experienced before. I gave myself completely and even though I know I cocked things up with my insecurities and anxiety I still tried the best I possibly could.

I'm still trying today... but trying for what I have no idea. To keep breathing.... really.

It's now 6am and I'm waiting for the sun to come up so I can put on some workout clothes and go for a C25K run where the chance of being grabbed and murdered in a bush here in South Africa is drastically high. Yay.

I downloaded an app called My Affirmations and recorded myself saying things like, 'I am enough,' and 'I release all negativity and hold joy in my heart.' It plays with some relaxing music... so I listen to that a few times a day...

I also got the Dry Days by AlcoChallenge app which monitors how many days you go without drinking, counts the calories you would have had if you had been drinking and even tallies up how much money you've saved.... not that I have any money to save because I have no money.... but the calorie thing is pretty neat.

I downloaded the Zero app which is a guide to intermittent fasting which I've still been sticking to. I do the 16 hour fast and then eat within an 8 hour bracket.

The keto things is going to be hard to keep up with in South Africa because starchy foods is pretty much everyone's staple diet here. It's the only thing anyone can afford!

I also downloaded a To Do List to try and be productive... so like I mentioned yesterday was good... and today besides being crushingly insulted by KERRY (or should I just call her Demon??) I did clean the heck out of the filthiest kitchen I have ever been into (no exaggeration).

I'm going to buy a plant.... because I want to watch something bloom. It will be kind of like me blooming.... metaphorically.

I'm going to knock down some walls, level up tiles and paint the walls of the cottage... plot my next novel which currently has no premise, no title and no characters... great!

I'm going to shave my legs... because I kind of need to. Not that anyone will be touching them ever again but I'm starting to resemble an ape.

I'm going to get my nails done by a friend of mine who is qualified because I need some TLC...

I'm going to meditate daily, exercise, intermittent fast, stop drinking every day, see friends, cuddle my cat, take my dog for a walk on the beach, surf, stretch, record podcast episodes, film booktube videos and slowly but surely try and figure out what the hell I should do with my 28 year old arse that currently has a twitch in the left butt cheek. Even my arse is begging me to do some squats.

I'm also going to murder the rooster next door.

Ahem...