The Basic Steps to Healing...

I always thought when I finally felt up to investing my time into looking for work on the yachts again it would be the day I knew I would be OK. I'll survive. Oh how wrong I was.

I'm as sick as can be right now having just spent a jaw-dropping amount of money I don't have on medicine and have been in bed all day scouring the internet for jobs. Even trying to take a sip of water feels like knives going down my throat.... (WISHING I had someone to bring me chicken soup, stroke my hair and make me feel better but alas this is a time of loneliness for me.)

I guess for the most part job hunting has been going well... 

I've already been offered a job willing to fly me to Tunisia later this week but I turned it down because my gut feeling (which I'm going to start bloody listening to from now on!!) wasn't a happy camper. 

However, even with a seemingly good response after putting a few hours work into applying for various jobs floating around the med - I have tears in my eyes. 

That saying, 'New Beginnings Are Often Disguised As Painful Endings,' is so true. 

If you aren't interested in the raw, unfiltered rambles from a heartbroken mind then move along now - but some lovely people have actually reached out and commended me for how open and honest I am with what I'm going through. 

I'm not doing it for attention. 

Not at all.

I'm doing it because if someone stumbles across my blog in the future who is going through something similar I hope she or he will be able to realise that they aren't alone. 

If I am able to help just one other person in this world by sharing my experiences then that's enough for me. 

I know what I'm going through is MINUTE compared to what others go through in life and I know I'm lucky in many ways... but this is my story and I know there are people out there somewhere going through something similar.  

I wish I could stop feeling so devastated but how can I when it feels like the last two years of my life was a complete lie?? 

To have the man you thought was your soul-mate tell you that you never made him happy is like running over me with a train. 

I can't get those words out of my head. The last words he ever said to me. I wish he could take it back. I wish he could tell me what he said wasn't true.
Never say something so hurtful to someone who loves you because you never know if they'll be the last words you ever speak to them.

People are telling me that people say hurtful things during breakups and that they don't mean them - that those words are a way to make you move on... but truly I'd be able to move on easier if I had closure that I didn't just make him miserable for two straight years. 

I know I wasn't great. 

But I thought we had some incredible, fun and happy moments. 

I know I was the happiest I had ever been yet also the most depressed at the same time because the truth is that I never could adjust to life in a new country.

I'd done it once before in Mallorca and I could never get over how triggering it was for me to be in such a similar situation again. 

I moved to a country for a guy I met on Tinder again. Had given up my entire life to be there. 

The only difference was that in Mallorca I trusted TOO much. I was SO carefree and happy and bubbly. I was always off bouncing around with new friends and having the time of my life but in Australia I was so Goddamned cautious because of how hurt I was in Mallorca that I never ALLOWED myself to fully let go and embrace it. 

I wish I had now.... I wish S hadn't hurt me so badly all those years ago that even to this day it still affects me.... but things didn't work out that way. 

I can't change that... but I can change the future. 

I am never going to give up my independence ever again or sacrifice what little I do have in life for someone else. I've done it so many times now only to regret it... because in the end I end up with nothing.

I know I stuffed up a lot with M and made things unbearable and took things out on him that I shouldn't have. But I also know I made him laugh and smile and I really didn't think he could ever say something like, 'I never got happiness from you.' 

Those words have destroyed me. 

I never meant to make him unhappy.

I am a good person with a huge heart....  a part of me wishes he had met me before Mallorca when I wasn't broken. Things would have been so different then. I feel back then I would have been exactly the girl for him - and he was able to see small snippets of that girl in me somewhere.. but it just wasn't enough.

Finding a way to heal after what I went through in Spain and now Australia is proving to be the most challenging thing in life...
I'm still trying to navigate through freeing myself from a life tethered by insecurity BUT I've realised the basic steps are as follows:

1. Focus on myself for one.
Do things that make me happy like running (never thought I'd say that but I've truly started loving it!), hiking, cooking, surfing, writing, anything creative...
Be around people that make me a better person.

2. Don't jump into a new relationship.
This is now time for ME. I don't want a man to define my happiness. I want to be happy and love myself first. 

3. Build a life for myself not someone else.
I guess one of my main mistakes I've done OVER and OVER again is give up everything for everyone and focus so much on making someone else happy.
I want to finally create this cottage or a home in general and make it MY safe haven.
I want to get that beautiful border collie I've always dreamt about one day and have her be MINE not OURS.
I want my independence back. Not have to answer to anyone. To be a recluse if I want to be and be outgoing when I feel that need to be around others. I want to cook what I want without having to always ask what someone else wants. I want to put my needs and wants first for once. 

4. Create my own friendships. In a tiny town like Knysna this is hard. Especially as the majority of my friends have left for overseas OR have already settled down with kids and partners... but I just want to focus on my own friendships. In the past I always slotted in with my partners friendship group and when it inevitably ended I had no one there for me. I need to put myself out there and find new friends in Knysna that enjoy the same things as me - and reach out to my old friends who are overseas but will come here on holiday and make time to see me.

5. Meditate. Stretch. Exercise. Drink Less. 
My life has always been so busy bending over backwards for someone else or just being too exhausted or sad to do anything else other than switch on Netflix and pour a glass of wine at night. 

It's been a BEAUTIFUL feeling to take the time out of my day to run 5ks with my dog, meditate while soaking in the bath, allowing myself the time to stretch and love my body the way I always should have but never did. 

In one way I am feeling so good - it's just the actual heartache from losing my best friend that is still crushing me. I know people say the heartbreak will end.... and maybe it will. But I'd never been more sure about someone in my life. I still struggle to accept it's really over forever - but it has to be. The things he has said and done - the way he just kicked me out of the country and made his friends tell me he doesn't love me anymore.. the black and white text reading I never made him happy as the last message he ever sent me... it's the cold hard truth that it's done and some days I get that... but others I don't. 

I went on a 'date' the other night after this guy we'll call A sent me a glass of wine when I was sitting at a pub with my brother. It was nice. And M is no longer the last person I've kissed, which felt incredibly weird. But I am so petrified all guys want me for is sex and regardless I'm just not ready for that yet. I know I need to move on eventually and potentially the best way to get over M is to get under someone else - but I'm so confused. I don't want to be just used for sex yet at the same time I'm not ready to dive back into something serious. 

I want to take things SLOW for once and find someone that ticks all my boxes. 

6. Make a list of the things you need from a partner and don't settle for any less.

Because of what I've been through, there are certain things I need out of a relationship that may sounds completely pathetic to most people but they are things I know will make me happy.

I want someone who opens the car door for me, understand my passions for books, bookstagram, booktube, writing etc.. someone who will support those passions. Take an interest in them. Join me in them. I want someone willing to make a goofball out of himself and laugh at himself and not give a shit about what his mates think of him. I want someone not scared to put me on his social media - who wants to show me off and shout me out for being amazing. I want someone romantic. Someone who will surprise and spoil me... someone who will be walking past a flower store and think of me and get me a flower just because. Not that I actually like flowers... I'm more of a plant person. Don't give me something that's just going to die haha. My new found favorite plant I can't get enough of is Golden Pothos! 

I saw this thing a while back where this girl got home and found a dress laid out on her bed with a pair of earrings and some shoes and a note that told her where to be at a certain time. Those things make me melt. I am a hopeless romantic and I literally can't help it. 

I want someone who won't fart in front of me. Someone who loves cooking and likes cooking with a partner. I want someone who isn't stubborn because I'm stubborn enough for the both of us.

I want someone who likes to read and drink wine, learn new things, travel, laugh, experiment and live life to the fullest... but I also want someone who like me, is happy to not be on the go 24/7. I love cozy days at home! 
I need someone faithful. Trustworthy. 

These are things I've always craved in relationships but never got and I always ended up disappointed. I don't want to settle anymore.

I don't want these things NOW... but when I'm ready, these are some of the things I need. 

There's probably more basic steps to healing but I can't be bothered to write anymore. My fever is high and I fear I'm going to wind up in hospital having my tonsils removed at this rate so I'm off to rest. 

Sorry this wasn't as humorous as most of my recent posts. I've been having a weird, emotional day and just needed to let it out.