Bloody Horoscopes......

Okay horoscope.... now that you have my full attention I've downloaded an app onto my phone called Daily Horoscope. Happy now? And once again this morning you have been rather spookily accurate. 

Firstly, yesterday my horoscope mentioned a machine will break down and low and behold my laptop which has been on its last legs for a while now decided to have another one of its fits on me and stopped working. I have a question for you horoscope.... HOW. DO. YOU. KNOW?! 

THEN..... on this new fancy free Daily Horoscope app on my phone this morning it said: Instead of worrying about the cost of something you may inadvertently acquire today, Taurus, think about what it brings you. And LOW AND BEHOLD..... my first direct debit for my car insurance graced me with its presence this morning. It has been a bloody expensive week. Thank goodness it's a short month. 

For tomorrow, Saturday, it says I may be on the verge of repeating a mistake. Yippy.... A certain conversation always takes me down a certain path, it says. My only conversation I can think that is about is being totally blunt with men about the things I want in life. Well.... I KNOW I do that but if I don't then I could potentially be wasting both of our time.... I know I need to work on just enjoying life for a while though and to stop focusing on such big things. It's something I've always struggled with really. I don't really know how to change that mind-set. I need some FUN in my life... that's pretty obvious. So maybe tomorrow, whatever happens, I'll just try to have fun and let go of those big questions and worries and the insurmountable pressure I put onto myself. 

Alright stars... you win. I believe you now.

Alright stars... you win. I believe you now. 

I've been reading up on my horoscope from time to time, seeing what silly stuff life has in store for me according to my star sign, Taurus. Lately though, my horoscope has been spookily accurate. 

Not only did I get a horoscope reading last month saying that I'd be collecting a set of keys for a vehicle and low and behold, later that week I got a car. 

It said stuff like how in love terms, I'm getting ready to share deep knowledge with "M...." and my exes name begins with an M..... and low and behold last week I told him this entire experience has made me realize what I'm worth and that he doesn't deserve me. That was a really powerful moment for me, to finally stand my ground and be OK with the breakup. And I meant every word, too. 

Today, if you read my below post, my horoscope basically told me I was going to be an emotional wreck today. The first half of the day was OK. I mean, I couldn't complain. I had a yummy smoothie from my new NutriBullet I just bought for myself (call it an early Valentines Day gift). I had a job to go to with really nice colleagues. But as the day went on I can't explain it.... my mood just plummeted. I started thinking way too much about life. That's always dangerous, especially if you're me. 
I just got to thinking about how I'm almost 30 and back on dating sites... and the mundane conversations you have with people. The same shit all the time: Hi. How are you? What do you do? How was your day? Blah fucking blah. I'm over it. And then I think back to year ago when I was using Tinder and how I was so mellow about it and I met people so easily. We can't do that anymore. Covid-19 has really made it hard to connect with someone the 'normal' way. You can't go out to a restaurant or the zoo. I mean, at the beginning of lockdown I had socially distanced dates. I got serenaded in a field overlooking a lake with an acoustic guitar by a musician while I sipped happily on a glass of wine and reveled in every women's envy as they walked by. It was lovely. Very romantic. But he just wasn't for me. The thing is, he was TOO clingy. He wouldn't leave me the fuck alone. I know what you're about to say. Pump the breaks.. hold up Jade, that's exactly what you wanted!? Someone to give you their undivided attention. I DON'T KNOW people of the internet. I don't know what my problem was then. I just KNEW he wasn't 'The One...' before the clinginess began really so when that kicked in I got probably unnecessarily annoyed. See, I love affection. I LOVE words of affirmation, it's my love language for Gods sake. I love feeling SPECIAL not that I actually know what that feels like (I guess I'd love to know). But I also like space. And if we are together in the same room, yeah the occasional coming up behind me to wrap your arms around me while I'm cooking and giving me a kiss on the neck is lovely. A welcome distraction at times.... but this musician was CONSTANTLY all over me and I couldn't stand it. I'm not used to it. I think, after what I've been through, affection is something that you're going to need to slowly work out of me. I used to be the most loving, affectionate and caring girl in the world.... but life happened and I hardened up. Yeah I'm still a massive softie. I cry too easily. I feel things too deeply. But the affection thing is no longer normal for me. I have such a huge guard up and that needs work. 

Anyway I'm going completely off track. So my emotions pretty much bulldozed me to the ground today. After work as I was trudging to my car I was fighting back the tears and I couldn't even explain why. My only idea is the fact that online dating is hard now and I feel deflated. With not being able to date the normal way the only thing people bloody suggest is a walk.... and walks in the UK this time of year are cold and miserable. I don't mind that so much...... I love tugging on my wellies and bundling up. But I just want someone to suggest something unique. Something that makes me feel like, WOW.... this guys making an effort! I don't really feel like anyone really is right now.... and that's not really even fair of me because of the law right now...! It's just it's either a bloody walk in the pissing rain or going to someones's house / vice versa and I am FAR too street-wise for that. I am not allowing some random block into my flat that I've just met and I certainly am not going to a random house in a random area I don't know either. Dating right now is near impossible - and scary. Yet I just know my ex will be loving Muddy Matches dating site right now and arranging gorgeous dog walks with women from all over Milton Keynes. Good fekking luck to whoever he gets to go for walks, his low libido and mind-games, not to mention aggression and anger are your problem now!  

Again.... off track. I started driving home and at one of the roundabouts where I have to take the third exit I almost killed myself. That did it. The rest of the way home I was clutching onto my steering wheel sobbing my heart out... plus there was actual TRAFFIC which I mean, I didn't understand because it's never been busy before because LOCKDOWN. So everyone could probably see me sobbing and angrily swiping away at my cheeks. Just grrrrrrrrreat. 

I finally made it to my parking lot in one piece (just) and had to run to the post office to submit my South African drivers license to be changed for a GB one. That in itself is scary shit because to send your application is almost fifty quid, not to mention the special postage to make sure you can track that shit. So my total fee cost me almost seventy quid I just don't have right now but it had to be done. I'm living on fekking 55p tinned soups for the rest of the bloody month. 

After the post office I literally ran down the dodgy little alleyway to my flat and burst into tears. 

I'm 30 in EXACTLY 100 days. Life isn't playing fair with me.

There's been this question in my head for a while now that honestly I've been trying to ignore.... but it reared its ugly head again today and I just can't shake it. What if marriage and kids just isn't meant for me? I have so many fucking grey hairs and I don't even get ID'd anymore when buying wine because I have wrinkles to boot. 
On my lunch break today I walked to Sainsbury's to pick up some eggs and shit... and on my way back to work I passed a couple around my age walking hand in hand, chatting and laughing away. She'll have a date for Valentines Day. She'll be getting proposed to and having babies. Me??? Will I? I'm starting to think I just don't see it for myself anymore. Maybe it isn't my destiny. Maybe I'm meant to be alone (and I'm not saying this in a weird miserable way! I'm just thinking about it seriously). I always thought I'd be a great mum. A great wife. I feel like I'm an amazing, supportive and loving girlfriend, or at least I used to be. Life has given me some major trust issues and that too makes this whole dating again thing hard. Impossible. Thanks life and covid. My laptop doesn't even recognize the word 'covid.' It thinks I'm misspelling something. Well, dear old shitty laptop, you better get used to that word. Covid. Covid. Covid. 

Right. I'm going to check out what the horoscope has to say for tomorrow. Big sigh. Here we go....

'All the planets are very fortunately aligned for you.' HOLY SHIT!? Yes!!!! 

'The coming weeks should be great, Taurus.' Music to my bloody ears.

Oooo yep... it's telling me I may worry about this good fortune not lasting and yep... if things are going good in my life chances are I'm probably going to be veeeeeerrrrryyyyyy skeptical about it. 
'Don't let yourself panic. This all continues for the next 6 months.' Okayyyy.... great..... what happens after 6 months!? Don't let me get half way to fucking 31 and have another bloody breakup and have to start over again. Please. I can't take it anymore. Then I really WILL become a crazy cat lady. 

Oh, hold on. It says, 'however, you may need to focus sufficient effort if you want it last for a longer time.' Shut the fuck up horoscope..... I always put every ounce of effort I have into my life and you know what??? It. Never. Works.

I think my problem today is that I'm honestly on the verge of just giving up. 

I clicked on the Love section of the horoscope and it says, 'Todays the ideal day to arrange a get-together with those you love most.' Ahem. Horoscope, are you TRYING to get me arrested. We're in the middle of a world pandemic. Stupid. Although my guess is this was all written by some American Trump supporter anyway so they couldn't give two shits. 
ALSO, horoscope. Groovy. I'll just jump onto a flight back to South Africa to go and see my best girlfriends then shall I?? They're pretty much who I love most in the world now. Besides my nephews obviously, but they tire of me and get tantrums after about fifteen minutes so I don't quite think a 12 hour flight is worth that right now haha. My loved one, ex loved one rather, is gone. You should KNOW this horoscope. Get your shit together. Get facts straight before you go putting my life together for me. Gosh! 

Oooooo this is interesting though. If you're looking for a new relationship, don't stay reading. Get out there and meet as many people as possible. 

FANTASTIC. Covid 19 all around!?!!?? I mean, not that I have it or anything.... but HE might. And if I'm meeting person after person that's surely not wise in this current situation. 

I. Am. Having. A. BAD. Day. 

Welcome Back

Crikey... blimey... heaven to Betsy... it has been a while.  

I guess I've always been pretty sporadic with my blog. Life gets busy... and bloody hell since my last update in July 2020 let's be honest.... the whole world has gone topsy turvy. Corona Virus (Covid-19) has taken over the world and ambushed everyone - though I can't help but feel it's a bit of a personal attack on all of my life plans! Like, hey Jade, you wanted all this shit by 30... HA! Try get there now, Bitch. 

Sorry. It's 06:30am and I'm only half a coffee in..... my witty sense of humor isn't quite scratching the surface yet. However, after a nudge from a certain British energizer bunny, I've decided to write again. 

I quite enjoy doing these silly horoscope updates and taking the piss out of them... so I thought I'd do that today. 

I googled, Taurus Horoscope 4th February 2021 to see what the stars have in store for me today.... 

The first thing that caught my eye was: Is 2021 going to be a good year for Taurus? I braced myself and clicked. Bulls will thrive at work this year, it said. Well.... not quite something I can tear apart and ridicule myself for.... in fact, it is rather accurate. Just a few days into this year and I actually secured a job in an office. An OFFICE. During a world pandemic. I started, so ready to get back to work and after just one week they offered me a role higher up in the company and I had that interview yesterday and just found out I GOT THE JOB. I have job security and couldn't be more thrilled. It has been a ROUGH ride since moving to the UK.... I can hardly believe it has been a year since moving here. The world pandemic and lockdowns have made getting financially stable near impossible but I feel like I am finally getting there. I got a job... I got a car.... I got rid of an ex that didn't deserve me. I am feeling quite frankly as the delicious Irish people say, GRAND. 

However, enough of the positive, power to me crap. This is supposed to be a piss take. 

It's actually a really boring horoscope.... 
'Mercury will conjunct with Pluto'.... I mean, at least it isn't Uranus? I am such a child.

Why the hell are all the horoscope pages focusing solely on my career today? On another site it says I am prioritizing work and have big goals energy about me. 

FINALLY.. here's something different. Brilliant. Basically I am going to be an insecure, emotional wreck today. Great.

On another site, I will perform well at work today. WORK. That is clearly the stars focus..... perhaps it's a sign. STOP focusing on love, Jade. Focus on work. Drill that into my noggin. BUT.... it's almost Valentines Day. Last Valentines day I was completely alone in a new country hugging onto a balloon heart in a restaurant BY MYSELF. I also lost a really nice pair of sunglasses that night which really upset me. 

I wanted the year of my 30s to be different. I thought by now I'd be with someone, working towards marriage. Kids. The works. But my time got completely mucked around by an emotionally unstable asshole who didn't know what he wanted and had the maturity of a six year old.

WOW that felt good. Love a good rant. 

Anyway, I really do need to go and get ready for work and prepare myself for braving all these bloody roundabouts in Milton Keynes... but I'll try one more horoscope page before signing off. 

Ooo here we go. 
Astrology.com has suggested that I feed my soul music, dance, poetry... immerse myself in creativity. 

It's telling me to expand my music collection. 

I'll be honest, I hardly ever listen to music. I'm more of an audiobook listener - but you know what. Fine. I'll crank up the volume on my radio on my drive to work today and listen to some TUNES. 

There's a Singles Love section so I clicked on that, too.

Sometimes it is best going back to the classics, it says, Candlelit dinners and a dozen red roses are cliche but basically what I need, it says. And honestly, I have to agree. 

I'm ready for some romance in my life finally. I want someone to show me I deserve that at last. I'm tired of finding men that are too proud of frankly arrogant narcissistic twats who don't make the effort to make a woman feel special. 

I want romance, and I'm fekking hunting for it. 

OK... so this really wasn't the funniest. It's possibly the early start and lack of wine to fuel my wit. It's possibly just that the stars are reminding me that now is MY time to focus on me and work and get financially stable and build my life and BELIEVE ME I am freaking trying.... but there's always time for a bit of love and romance, surely??? 

Signing out for now. Might do this again sooner than you think. I do miss my blog. Really.

What Do The Stars Have To Say Today

Oh my God. 

Because I finally wrote on my blog last night after 2 glasses of delicious Malbec, I decided to scroll through my history and see how far I've come since my previous posts.... and I stumbled upon one the funniest entries I think I could possibly ever have written:

Jade's Funny Blog Entry


It has been a loooong time since I have bothered checking out my horoscope.. but man was it accurate just over a year ago! So, I thought I'd check it out this morning while I sit here in my little rickety flat, my washing machine about to take off into space. I'm sipping on a black coffee with yesterdays make-up still smudged over my face (yeah, I know. Terrible.). I'm in a pair of laddering black tights and an massive woolly jumper because I'm in England now... and it's cold. Who would have thought a year ago I'd be in the freaking UK!?  
Anyway - I'm feeling a bit run down today to be honest. I've just started a new job and am up on my feet for 11 hour shifts each day. My sleeping is little to none - I'm actually thinking about popping down to the pharmacy downstairs and giving some CBD oil a bash! Obviously only because I've heard it helps you sleep better... of course ;)
I'm getting off topic already. You see! This is why I can't be trusted when it comes to blogging! 
So the point of this entry was to check out my horoscope a year later and see what fruit it bears for me this time around because last year it was nothing short of bloody hilarious. 
I can't remember which website I used for my previous horoscope and I've no idea which one is the best... but I've just gone for the first one that shows up on Google. Astrology.com
Here it goes.... I've just clicked Taurus.

JUL 8, 2020: Your friendly demeanor has been a huge asset for you, but today it may give someone the impression that you're not going to put up a fight if you get pushed. Keep your fight-or-flight impulses in check. You may have to step into a defensive position that requires a great deal of finesse. There is someone in a place of power who wants to work around you today. Make it clear that you know exactly what you're doing, and they will see that they need to include you.

Hmm.. this one isn't quite as funny as the one from a year ago. It was so much easier to poke fun at the other one. But lets see what I can do. 

Fight-or-flight impulses... well.... I honestly have absolutely no bloody idea what my impulse is. I THINK I tend to run away or cock things up intentionally when things get serious because I get scared... or, that's what I used to do anyway. And to be honest, I'm in such a different headspace these days. If someone tried to argue or fight with me I'd just walk away to be honest. Aint no body got time for that. 

It also mentioned someone in 'power' wants to work around me today. That makes no sense as I am finally in control of my own life and I'm not giving anyone else the power. I make the rules for my life now. I call the shots and make the decisions while I work out exactly what I want in life... and no body is taking that away from me. I mean, obviously one day IF someone comes into my life that becomes my partner there will be compromise and all that hoojab BUT for right now, I like living my life for myself while I'm still figuring out exactly what it is I WANT in life.

So horoscope... you kind of failed me today! That's disappointing really. I enjoyed doing a blog post about this kind of thing last time.

Right below is was this:

Is he cheating on you? Enter a Live Psychic Chat Now to find out!

HAH! Nope. No one is cheating on me for the very first time because I am single and no longer vulnerable to the games men play! Power to me ;)

There's a bunch of different Taurus pages below that like Finances, Love, Flirt etc. I clicked on Singles Love and it told me that I'm better off flying solo right now.
Under the beauty section it told me that I need to stop trying to prepare such elaborate meals (guilty!). It also told me to do ten sit-ups CORRECTLY instead of trying to hit one hundred hahaha. I suppose that's a little hint that I actually need to start exercising again. I haven't gone for my usual 5k run since moving to this little village but that's PURELY because I'm scared of getting lost! 

Oooh it's just taken me to a section where I have to pick a tarot card. Lets see how that goes............

Well that was boring.

I got the Wheel of Fortune card. Basically it told me that I'll be distracted today and it will be hard for me to sit still (umm, that's every day!). It told me to make a list and focus on getting things done. So I've been trying to write a new chapter for my latest manuscript but every little thing is a distraction so this is true.... it also told me once I'm done to take a walk and stretch my legs. OK I GET IT!!!! I NEED TO EXERCISE GOD-DAMNIT!!

Maybe I should try a different page instead of astrology.com - all that site wants me to do is get off up my ass. While it may be right, it is finally my day off and all I want to do is stay off my feet today. I'll make a promise to myself to go for a run tomorrow - how's that??? :)

Oh oh oh! Ok. There's a horoscope.com. Lets try that one instead....

FFS. This one told me not to be 'smothering' today. Smothering?! I am single and live alone HOROSCOPE! I have no one to be smothering to!!! I think this thing is broken. It worked so well for me a year ago :( 

Anyway...

It has told me to spend my day not communicating with others but rather focusing on special tasks that have been on the backburner that require my attention. Ahem.... my manuscript. And to be fair, that IS my plan for the day. 

I don't really like Horoscope.com. There's too many pop ups for me. But, I checked out my tarot card of the day before exiting it. It was actually pretty accurate to be fair. I got 'The World' tarot card. It signifies a long journey coming to an end..... and lets face it, I've been on a hellish journey for so long now The cards depicts a butterfly in its last stage of life, fully transformed and ready to fly! I LOVE that. The card is a clear indicator that you have lived, you have loved and you have learned. OK. Considering just over a week ago I was so utterly lost and today I'm in this little flat and have a job to go to and am making things work for myself - I like this card!!! For everything that card symbolizes is definitely true. 

I have lived

I have loved.

I have learned. 

I'll Probably Write Again One Day

Hi.

Listen to this while reading this. I'll be themetuning all my entries from this point on. Hah.

I'm not going to pretend and say I'm going to make a comeback onto my blog. I'm not going to tell you this will become a new regular thing. I'm not consistent anymore when it comes to this blog so don't stick around if you want consistency here.. if anyone even reads this anymore. I don't know anymore. This blog was literally my first slice of social media way back when. I loved it. I interacted with so many people. I put SO much work and effort into it... but as the years have gone by and life has hammered away at me, my lust for blogging has slowly chiseled away. 

I mean, the last time I wrote here was in January 2020... and my GOD life couldn't look more different now. I have been through HELL. I guess everyone has, thanks to Corona Virus. 

Back in January, just to recap, I was writing about how I'd just accepted a job on a yacht and was expecting a year of travel and getting this incredible income I could just ferret away and just get back onto my feet financially. Oh how bloody wrong I was.

I headed off in February, one day before Valentines Day, leaving behind my absolute cunt of an ex who was on Tinder the entire relationship, lying, cheating, aggressive and threatening to kill himself with a GUN because he was the unstable one in all this but made me believe I was completely in the wrong the entire time! Who does that?? I know how to pick them, right!? 

I have proof of all the above by the way. And the horrible thing is I've been told all the nasty things he's saying about me behind my back which is NOT true - so therefore, I shall prove it wrong unapologetic-ally. I'm done with being the nice girl. Now, it's my time. My time to shine.

Anyway.

I jetted off to Spain in search of a new life. In order to find my feet. 

It wasn't long before Covid-19 took it's virusy grips on the world and forced everything to go into lockdown.

I hot-footed it to the UK before the borders closed and ended up staying on a friend's sofa for around 3 months. It was agony on my back and I cried long and hard trying to understand how my life had gone this way. I was literally homeless, penniless and completely out of my depth. I was sinking.

During lockdown I took my CV out to every grocery store I could but had no response. For 3 months I drove myself up the wall attempting to crochet, knit, macrame, paint in watercolors, learn the ukelele, sketch and try out vegan recipes. I very quickly learnt all the things I'm completely useless at... and that made it (hilariously) worse. 

I was an absolute mess trying to figure out how the HELL to make my life work. I had plans, goals.. ambitions. By 30 I wanted to be married and be getting ready to have a baby (that ship has sailed obviously haha. 30 is ten months away. There's no way I'll meet someone, get married and fall preggers in that time limit). It honestly broke my heart when I realised I wasn't going to get the life I always dreamed of having. I didn't know how to alter my mindset and I guess in a sense, I'm still struggling with it. Everyone always says not to worry and that I'm still young.... but they don't understand. I want to be a young mum. Before my mother and I became estranged we had the most amazing relationship.... before she got ill and wouldn't help herself get better. She used to be my best friend. I loved our age gap and how we would go away on girl trips to Thailand and Singapore and go for weekends away on Safari in South Africa. Once I hit 16 we just knew how to have fun together. I'm sad I'll never have that again. But it's something I would absolutely adore to have with my children one day, whether they be girls or boys. So the older I get, the more I just think I'll be a frumpy old mum instead of kind of a bestie.... because that's what my mother was to me before she broke my heart and fucked everything up. I'll never forgive her for the things she's said and done - but I'll always look back on those photos of our time together before she changed, with fondness. 

So............... eventually, after DAYS.. hours of END of scouring the internet and retyping my CV to every bloody website that wouldn't just allow me to send my actual PDF CV to them.. I got lucky. I got a job working in a high end hair salon. Directly after that I got offered a little flat of my own. 

I mean, it's a run down rickety little place but I love it. It's a work in progress that needs some serious TLC, but I did it!!

I am SO freaking proud of myself. How I went from being a hopeless, homeless, penniless and jobless person to this I have NO idea really. I guess all I can say is even if you're going through your roughest patch, it's OK to break down - but try to persevere.. because I did. And look at me now. 

I've hardly slept since I've been in my new place to be honest. I didn't realise quite how hard it would be to be alone again. Not in a romantic sense..... but this is literally the first time I've been completely alone since before Australia!! How bizarre is that!? And after what happened to me in South Africa, when those 2 men who THANKFULLY got caught broke into my house and held me down in bed and did stuff while the other robbed the place, it has left a pretty nasty emotional scars. It's my 2nd week here now and I still sleep with the lights on. I jump and stir at every little noise. I'm up at least every hour... but it comes with its perks as I have watched the most gorgeous sunrises at 4,30am because of it right from my bedroom window. 

I published my 2nd novel and I was OVERWHELMED by the amount of sales. Wow wow wow!!! I'm really thrilled with how it has gone so far and have already started writing my 3rd novel. Who knows if there's something concrete in there yet. It's early days. But I am now a published author of 2 novels. I am alone for the first time. I am taking my time, Discovering what is right - where as before I jumped into things and into people who were so so wrong for me. I needed this so badly. To discover not only myself but who I really want in life. But right now, for the very first time, I can tell you I'm happy alone. I'm focusing on building up my friendships. I'm focusing on work and being able to afford this little flat I got that's all mine. I'm focusing on the things I should have prioritized so long ago... but we live and we learn. 

Am I still a hopeless romantic?? I don't know anymore. 

I don't want to say I've become a cynic... that I don't think it will happen for me. But I don't know anymore. Lets face it. I've had so many failed attempts. The biggies being my ex fiance that knocked up my maid of honor and left me with a wedding dress collecting dust in the cupboard, an ex in Spain who shagged 8 women I know of behind my back (probably more), an Aussie who had me spend my entire life savings on a life with him in a foreign country only to one day tell his best friends mother to come over and tell me he doesn't love me anymore (he'd already clearly met someone else at his new job and was too much of a coward to give it to me straight), to coming back to South Africa and turning down the freaking Bachelor South Africa to pursue someone who I consider to be the most fucked up, insecure, neurotic and emotional mess of a man I have ever come across! My taste of men has needed a serious shake for a while. Thank GOD I realised that before I was in too deep. I'm living my best life now. I honestly don't know if I can or even WANT to be affectionate anymore. I don't know how to do it. I've tried. I've failed. Slowly, one by one, these dudes from my past shred me of every ounce of affection I have, really. It feels awkward to me now. I can't do it anymore. Perhaps I'm broken. All I know is that me reaching out to touch someone or to hug someone doesn't come naturally to me anymore. In fact, I recoil at the thought.
I don't know if I have it in my heart to actually do it again... not because I'm bitter. I'm just tired.... and for the very first time, I'm honestly happy alone. This is the very first time my life is on my terms.... and I'm reveling it.

Chat soon..... maybe. Probably not. Who knows.

But if you stick around, I'll probably write again.

One day. 

Journey to Self-Love

It's a stormy Sunday morning. I'm snuggled up under the blankets with a black coffee in my hand - trying to figure out how to get back into this blogging thing.

Truthfully, I don't really know where I want to take it. What is this blog, really? Lifestyle? 

What do I want to focus on? Books? Recipes? Matters of the heart? Travel?

It seems I'll be having a lot of travel coming up this year as I've just accepted a job offer on a yacht (yip, I did it!). I have mixed emotions. On the one hand I know this is finally me making a wise decision to become independent and get back on my feet without relying on anyone else or putting someone else before me. On the other hand, I know there is someone I want to put before everything else. However, if it's meant to be, it will find a way. It's an 8 month contract. Not long at all in the big grand scheme of things. I'm trying to have faith. I'm trying to be positive. 

It all feels very surreal. My whole life I've given up everything for relationships - so this feels daunting and unfamiliar. But I think it's going to help me grow so much as a person and maybe pave my way to really discovering self-love. 

I've read two books on self-love this month so far. 

I've made a promise to myself to really put a focus on that now... to not get blinded again.

Self-love and acceptance is something I NEED to learn. You can't have happy relationships with others and believe they love you if you can't love yourself. It's one of the many reasons my relationships have always failed. My insecurities destroy so much. So it is time to finally put the work in and heal my deep-rooted problems. No, I can't change the past... but I can change right now and that is exactly what I am going to do. 

The  two books I've read so far this year on self-love are: 

Jonathan Van Ness's, 'Over The Top: A Raw Journey to Self Love.' 

and 

'Queer Eye: Love Yourself. Love Your Life.' 

Jonathan Van Ness's book I listened to on Audible. I'd lace up my running shoes and plug in my headphones and while on my 5k morning runs (thanks C25K!), Over The Top made me break down in tears!!!

The quotes, lessons and advice I took away from that book are endless.

I always go into memoirs quite hesitantly, afraid it will be a boastful tedious book to read or something so heartbreaking that it destroys me.. or get so personal into the persons life like Brene's Brown BRAVING THE WILDERNESS. I didn't connect with that book because I haven't read any of her other books or watched her on telly so Braving The Wilderness was hard for me because I had no real reason to want to know these stories from her childhood (this is not to say Braving The Wilderness isn't good!! Not at all. I haven't finished it yet because I feel like I need to go read some of her other books first and establish a bond first! So no hating. I promise.) - but I knew I had to get my hands on Jonathan Van Ness's book as a huge fan of The Fab 5 and the show, Queer Eye (I'm busy watching the latest season on Netflix right now and MY GOSH the tears and joy this show brings me!!!!!).

JVN is so eccentric, quirky and fun - I knew his book would be too. I knew I'd have delightful moments of laughter as he recounts his deliciously devious tales... what I didn't expect was quite so much raw emotion that spoke right to my soul.

This book could NOT have come at a better time in my life. I needed it and I know I will read it again and again and again. It's the kind of book you'll take something new away from it every time you pick it up.

I have been reviewing books for years for publishers and authors personally so I like to think I know what I'm talking about when I say a book is well written. Well, my darling friends, JVN really surprised me here with how beautifully written OVER THE TOP is. It flowed so nicely and the entire way through I truly felt like a friend was speaking to me. I cannot fault this book at all.

I'm at a place in my life where I have no idea where I'm going or how to make something of myself... at almost 30. I'm scared. But this book was so inspiring. Hearing where he came from to where he is today. Listening to him talking about all of his hardships and the stunning messages he learnt from what he's been through. It's perfection. I loved it.

I loved it so much I want to start it from the beginning all over again.

Read it. Now. 

*

Then I read Queer Eye and having just finished Jonathan Van Ness's book, Over The Top, and being a huge fan of the show Queer Eye.. I had to make time for this book in my life. I wasn't really sure what to expect from it, really.

I mean, is it ground-breaking? Earth shattering? Did it shed light on finally learning how to love myself? No.

I've been trying to figure out self-love, respect and acceptance for so long now. I'm stumbling my way through life making an absolute fool of myself more often than not. I try reading books by Eckhart Tolle and meditate, do yoga, light candles... you name it, I've tried it.

It's harder than it seems when you have the kind of insecurities and emotional damage someone like me has.

So for someone at my level, this book, while being absolutely lovely, just wasn't as uplifting as I was hoping for.

The fab 5 take you through their different areas of expertise. From beauty, fashion, emotions, food.. they guide you into how to becoming a better you while emphasizing the fact that you need to embrace yourself and not try to be someone your not. It's filled with little tips and tricks to make life a little easier for you.

It's a book you'll appreciate if you watch the show... if you know the boys.

*

I'm not sure what self-help book I'll pick up next... there are so many on my radar.

I like to think the right one will fall into my lap at the right time. 

I'll let you know.

Until next time... 

Blog About Breakups and Being Single

It happened a week ago... the breakup.
For days I have been wallowing in self-pity. Finding it the hardest thing in the world to get up out of bed. I could barely see through my tears every time I did manage to lace up my trainers and go for a run. Sweat it out. Try to get those endorphins flowing.
Pouring glass after glass of wine to numb the pain inside, but it hurts. So much. I have no idea what I'm doing.
The truth is, I've given up EVERYTHING for men my entire life.... while still somehow managing to be the most selfish, insecure person you could ever come across. I don't even know how that works!! What I do know is, I need to do some serious work on myself now. Learn to love myself, enjoy my own company. Become independent... and stop this crazy obsession I have with love.

So for what feels like the very first time, I've started to make plans where I don't have to consider someone else or put them first. That first step wasn't easy. Hell no. Cracking open my laptop and putting my CV out there again was scary... because it feels like the start of a very new, uncertain chapter that I don't know if I want. I want to be here, in Knysna, with him. But to put it bluntly, I stuffed that up royally. I don't get that now. I get to be alone and grow the fuck up. I should thank him for this really... it's going to be the most challenging thing I've ever done but I guess it needs to be.
I'm not applying for jobs in Knysna anymore. Some people can make it work here. Some people want to make it work here. But for me... I have nothing here really. I barely see my family, who are toxic as it is. I have no car, literally enough money in my bank account to afford one meal IF that.
I'm staying in a tiny flat of my own for about a week now. I moved in yesterday. I have no idea what I'll do or where I'll go after this seven day stint in my own place. All I know is I couldn't stay at home. My mother went to rehab a few months back and now she's back home and causing as much pain and destruction to everyone she possibly can... so I can't stay in that house. Not while I'm going through this amount of turmoil and agony. It's impossible to grow and process everything that's happening with that going on.
So this little flat is my safe haven for now. It's quiet, safe, on the water... and the best part is, it's free. I was able to strike up a deal with a lady who needs someone to walk her dog for her and in return, I get free board.
In this week I should find out if I get one of the jobs overseas I've applied for. There's two very likely positions which although is hard graft, will pay enough per month to really get me back on my feet. Not these ridiculous Knysna salaries. If I stayed here, chances of me being able to get my own place, a car and afford groceries would be frankly impossible. Starting from scratch isn't a realistic thing in a place like Knysna when you literally have nothing and have no one to rely on. And that's the thing... I don't want to rely on anyone anymore... because when they are gone, like now, I'm left completely on my ass.
The thing is, I would have stayed in Knysna and happily pursued a job here if my ex and I were together because we'd be a team. I wouldn't have the full blown financial strain purely on myself. We'd share costs. Take turns to buy groceries. Things would be easier as a team... but I don't have that option now and with not being able to live back home with my family I see no other choice.
The one job I think will possibly offer me a contract this week would send me to the Seychelles... the other would jet me off back to Spain.
I also made a profile on an Au Pair website and have been looking into options in the UK too. So far I have one family interested in me but it's a single dad and his two sons. It would be a live in position and pays peanuts compared to what the boats would pay. I don't think I could ever be comfortable living in a house with a single dad, raising his sons. But these are the options available to me.
I have to try. I have to keep wiping the tears away.
Every time I apply for something I burst into tears and a deep guttural sound emerges from my throat. It hurts more than I thought humanly possible.
I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. I really don't. I WANT to stay here and make it work with my ex, prove to him that I have changed and grown from this experience. It's been a huge eye-opener and has made me see why my relationships have never worked. It has made me see what needs to change. But what do I do?? Stay in the hopes that he will finally one day miss me enough and want me back? Or leave.... where I'd be tied to a minimum of a ten month contract (which is longer than we've even been together!). I don't see how that would work in the favor of our relationship.
I am so lost. So so so hopelessly lost.
And he's done some cruel things, too. He's deleted every photo he ever posted of us or of me. Like I never existed. Never mattered. The sting that caused was brutal. He's posting photos all the time living his best life, having fun with friends, off on his bikes and flying high in the sky and diving into the water off of his boat. He seems happy. Happy without me. I know he's struggling so much too and going through his own world of hurt but seeing how he's OK without me, that he doesn't need me.... hurts. I know I shouldn't look... but he knows I'm seeing it all. Seeing these selfies he's posting where he looks nothing short of breathtaking. He's shockingly blue eyes staring into the camera lens, melting me.
I miss him so much. I miss the fun, adrenaline filled, adventurous days we'd have together. I miss the good times.

I have messages I've written to him saved on my phone... unsure if I'll ever actually send them. I read them over and over again. Letting the words sink in. Reminding myself every day what I've done wrong to deserve where I am right now... and knowing that I will never, ever do those things again. I can't! The insecurity, the temper and the controlling issues have messed my entire life up. I have to let go. I have to believe the tattoo that I have on my thigh that says, 'she is at a place in her life where peace is her priority and negativity cannot exist.' I cannot be a negative person anymore. I have to grow up and change. I have. I feel the shift. I feel the weight off my shoulders that has pulled me down since childhood. I've always had that needy obsession with needing to be loved because I never felt that as a kid. I've always needed other peoples acceptance. That's NOT how I want to live my life anymore. I want to be enough. For myself. In fact, I am enough... I'm learning that now.

I don't want to be the person that begs for people back... but I also don't want to play games. That is why this is so very hard to figure out because if I stay, it will be because I'm hoping we'll be OK. And I'd be happy to get a job here and have the life here and I wouldn't resent him for it.... but if I leave, I'd be doing jobs I know I won't be happy in but financially it would get me back on my feet and give me complete independence that I know I can't get here. I don't know what to do. I really don't. I love him deeply. I feel like he is my person. So then surely he must know how difficult this is for me. Knowing that if I stay, I have no way of affording a place and I can't stay with family so the predicament is HUGE. If I stay, I have no means of transport. It would be a month until I get my first salary which I know would be enough to afford a months worth of groceries but not enough to start saving up for a car and deposits for a flat of my own. If I stay, I have nothing. If I go, living costs overseas would be barely anything because I'd be working and living on a boat for ten months straight. There would be no rent due, no food costs and no need for a vehicle. It sounds like the option I need to go for because I could save up an incredible amount of money to really get back on my feet... but I'd lose the hope of us being OK and together again. And that would break my heart more than it already is...

So I've written this here because I know no one reads this crap I write anyway. This blog has been my venting place for years. Maybe people going through something similar to me stumble across this page while they are struggling. Maybe they can relate. Maybe I even help them somehow.... and maybe by writing it down I'm somehow helping myself.

It's 7am now. I have no idea what the day will bring... but I guess first and foremost, I need to leave the bedsheets, wash out my coffee cup and go for a run.

A New Chapter Has Begun

Hoots from kookaburra's at dawn have been replaced by the squawk of swooping seagulls. 

Lush green park-lands and treetop views changed to misty mornings overlooking a tranquil lagoon.

Like the turning of a page in a book with a cracked spine or the slide of fingers across steel strings during a chord progression... everything has changed. 

Everything must change. 

Where there was pain and struggle there is now a glimmer of hope. 

A new chapter has begun, a happier melody. 

While I may have less materialistically, I have more soulfully. 

What once was a door unlocking to a silent, empty flat has now become a house of bounding dogs, purring cats, nephew squeals - a place to be welcomed home. 

Even with it's smokey atmosphere, cluttered rooms and tainted memories - it is home.

The chipped and cracked pieces of me are starting to mend. 

With a chisel I am creating the life I want to lead and becoming the person I know I was born to be. 

I'm not saying this new way of life is easy, quite the opposite. 

Life has tested my strength. It still is. But each and every day I am learning to stand taller, keep my head held high. 

I am belly-laughing again. My smile is genuine.
And someone is smiling back at me.
Full lips spreading wide, blue eyes shimmering with something I can't quite name...
Not yet anyway.
Laced fingers and warm embraces.
A feeling of safety and warmth.
A feeling of glee.

I am lapping up books and researching true crime cases - discovering my passions once more. Putting my time and energy into the things that feed my soul... the things I had let go of when I'd let go of myself.

Now I am grappling to get those parts of me back, to put myself first for once. 

To be me.

There are still moments of sadness, of tears and heartache. 

Those are the moments that mould us into either the best or worst versions of ourselves. 

How we react to certain situations teaches us everything we need to know about ourselves. 

We are human beings constantly growing and learning... and I am grateful for each and every trial, tribulation, joy and deliverance. 

Peace. Breathe. Release.

Happy Saturday, world. 

I've woken up after not much sleep with my cat purring on my lap and a brand new day ahead. 

Regardless of all of the negativity that has invaded my space lately - I'm letting it go. 

Grief is a fickle thing and comes in many ways when you least expect it. 

Yesterday I broke down. I let life get the better of me but sometimes you need a good cry. You need to be tested. I've made it out to the other side with a more positive mind set. 

I will no longer focus my energy on anything negative. I am cleansing my life, releasing the past and starting over. 

The truth is that I've been angry and allowing negativity into my life because I didn't understand why all of this stuff has had to happen to me lately... but everything I've lost IS replaceable. I wasn't hurt and while I may have PTSD to sort through after what happened the other night I know I'll be okay. Because I always am. I'll pick myself back up, slowly piece back the pieces, get back what I lost even if it's not the same quality... it's all material crap at the end of the day. The positive side is that I wasn't hurt. I wouldn't wish that onto anyone. 

I'm moving to America soon for such an exciting new life - and I have so many amazing friends there already. People who care and support and shine positivity onto my life when they know I need it. That's the kind of person you want in your life. The people who are bitter, resentful, jealous and holding grudges for no reason have their own issues and need to go take a good long hard look in the mirror and sort themselves out. That's what I'm doing. I'm sorting myself out. Because I am FAR from perfect. I stuff up. But I do not hurt people. I help others. I work hard. I play harder because I am still young and I deserve it. I have always worked hard and been incredibly motivated and driven. I have also always been an outgoing, fun-loving person who ALWAYS offers to pay her way which you would know if you actually knew me. I am beyond grateful to every soul who has been there for me through the turmoil and they know I would be there for them in a heartbeat if roles were reversed. I love and laugh and while I might break down from time to time that's because I'm only human and today I woke up and realised that that is enough. People look in and see your life from afar and they judge and make assumptions but that is not my problem.

For the past year I have been working on fixing my life. Working on my evident flaws. I'm a long way from being perfect and I know I never will be - but I am growing into the person I want to be and someone others want to have around more and more each day. I have been owning up to my faults and I am proud of that - can you say the same?

We are all only human. Let that be enough.

Peace. Breathe. Release. 

Ciao Bella.

I Miss Something I Never Had

I miss being somewhere appreciated.

I miss living in a house that isn't impossible to breathe in without second-hand smoke continuously drifting through the rooms. 

I miss a clean environment - somewhere pleasant to cook in. Somewhere you are proud to call home.

I miss that feeling of walking through the front door and sighing with the relief of being back in your safe haven after a days work or a trip away.

I miss roadtrips - dancing and singing along to music with a takeaway cup of coffee in one hand and my ex partners fingers laced through the other. 

I miss exploring the world with someone to experience it all with. 

I miss the simple things like sunsets on the roof, watering my plants and listening to the birds sing when the rain comes down.

I miss runs along the brook and dips in the little communal pool. 

I miss running and jumping into my ex's arms every evening and asking how his day was. 

I miss feeling that confidence that I was going in the right direction.

I miss looking down at my hand and seeing that beautiful ring that symbolised everything I ever needed and more. 

I miss pajama parties and cheering on sports at a stadium even though I had no idea what was going on.

I miss hairy chests and snuggles while we did our own things.. me reading a book and him watching sport or playing xbox.

I miss being called ''baby'' and hearing those three words that I don't hear from anyone anymore. I love you. 

I miss feeling loved. 

I miss feeling respected and desired and wanted and needed. 

I miss loving someone. I really miss that.

I also miss the days where my mother was my best friend. I miss the times we used to have deep, meaningful conversations. I miss how she would hold me if I was sad and laugh with me when I was happy. 

I miss the nights where I didn't have to watch my family drink themselves to sleep. 

I miss my independence. I miss having savings for if I needed it and a car to get into if I needed to get away. I miss the freedom I used to have at my fingertips and I miss not feeling like I've somehow lost absolutely everything I ever cared about. I miss feeling like my life was worth it.

I miss looking in the mirror and seeing someone happy... not someone exhausted, pale, devastated and alone.

I miss being around people that made me a better person and didn't bring the worst out in me. 

I miss somewhere and something that I never had - because where are those things and those people now? That's how you truly realise who is real and who is fake in your life. When those people you bent over backwards for the cook and clean for and invite into your home and only EVER be polite and friendly to just disappear... that's when you realise how much of your precious time you wasted on the wrong kind of people. 

Explaining Kickstarter and Patreon

I find it incredible how judgemental people can be. 

A few days ago I started a page on a well-known incentive based sponsorship platform. The site helps creative people fund their projects - in my case, people would be donating as little as $1 to my new writing project. That $1 shows support and belief in what you do - it's so motivational knowing there are people out there who care about your work and are willing to help you send your project into production. It's also a great platform to gauge how much interest there is into your work because once the work is done you need to start making sales. That said, some wonderful unknown person purchased a paperback copy of my novel yesterday and I couldn't be more grateful. Literally, every tiny bit helps!!!

There's a lot of work that goes into writing a novel. 

Hours a day spent hunched over your keyboard to bring a story together that one day people will be holding in their hands. I don't get paid for those hours work - and no I am not usually one to care about money all that much if it means I'm doing something I love! Writing has always been a huge passion of mine and I get satisfaction from just seeing my book with my name on the front cover, bound and ready to be devoured. 

However - circumstances have changed for me lately and while I'm working my arse off to find a job, helping out at the family business and trying to sell my wedding dress which I put up onto Gumtree yesterday:

Gorgeous Wedding Dress For Sale

I am trying the best that I can but there's  no denying that a bit of crowdfunding for my new writing project would be a huge help to me right now. But even though I put myself out there - people now think I am 'begging.' I'm getting ridiculed, laughed at and judged. 

I think people don't seem to realise this is the 21st century. Take for instance another funding platform - Patreon. 

Almost every single podcaster I know has Patreon. I wasn't judged for that when I created it (in fact I accumulated almost $200 in pledges!?) so I'm struggling to understand how and why Kickstarter is any different. 

It's not like people donate money for nothing. Both Kickstarter and Patreon are incentive based - meaning depending on the amount you contribute towards a persons project, you get something in return. 

Here's my profiles - there's nothing 'beggy' about them and I'm so tired of people's lack of understanding.

KICKSTARTER

PATREON

Anyway... that was my little rant... because I'm deflated today. It's another hard day where accepting M and I are over is ripping my heart out. All night last night I couldn't get to sleep, my mind was so full of memories of us camping and loving each other... exploring different parts of Canada, South Africa, Australia and Madagascar. 

My brain was also in overdrive trying to figure out how to acquire Bumble, that sexy little yellow car I have fallen in love with but cannot afford. 

My head was full of the realisation that by the end of this month I'm going to be camping on a mattress in a half torn down cottage that is missing walls so it's going to be freezing cold but hey, at least there's a bathroom and a stove so I'm just going to need to bundle up like an eskimo and get on with it. I can't stay in my folks house anymore. I'm going mad and am probably getting lung cancer because everyone smokes inside with the windows closed. I wake up coughing and hardly breathe. I can't get to sleep at night because the snoring rattles through the entire house like a fucking monster. 

And I just can't keep seeing my family live this way... passing out drunk every single night listening to a television so loud that people three houses down can probably hear it. 

Moving back to South Africa has made me more depressed than ever before - but I'm holding onto that last shred of hope I have and I'm trying to figure my life out. The sooner the better. 

Today I'm going into the work office - which is an ice box but I'm just thrilled to get out of this smokey hell hole and I'm getting trained in Quickbooks so I can get the business back up to date with invoicing etc. I'm just so excited to work and get out of the house. I just wish I had a car so I could just drive - get out more. I hitch-hiked the other day just to get away. I'm aware that's not smart but I'm at a complete loss for what else to do anymore. My life has gone to shit and my depression and heartbreak is actually starting to kill me. I feel so trapped. ANY form of independence I once had is gone. I truly don't think I deserved this to happen to me - at 28 years old when I was about to have everything I'd ever wanted.... a beautiful life with an incredible man, getting married and living happily ever after. I lost it. I lost everything and there's tears falling onto the keyboard as I type that out because I don't KNOW how to start again. I don't KNOW how to let go. I'm trying. I'm trying so hard that I'm truly exhausted. But I miss M. I miss us. I miss my old life. I know I fucked it all up and I couldn't be more sorry for that. The miscarriages and hormone imbalances took it's toll on me and I wish I'd fixed that sooner before it was too late. Because now I am getting healthy. I'm exercising and laughing and working on myself but it is truly impossible to not be completely depressed when you've lost everything you cared about in life. 

I wish someone would throw me a lifeline. I'm doing my best to get my mother sorted with one. No one seems to realise how much I try and do for everyone else. Even just that acknowledgement would be nice. A thank you. Anything. 

Bumble Bee Sunflower

Ah man - it's the 2nd of July. 

I had wanted to dedicate July to fitness and health (accumulating KMs on my neglected Strava app) and work myself up to being able to run 21ks and get myself a pretty shiny medal like my sister-in-law has.... (I like pretty shiny things ha!)... 

But alas I am still spluttering, coughing, sneezing and sniffing from the blasted flu. 

A painful amount of money spent on anti-biotics all for nothing. Gah! 

I'm trying to be as proactive as I can be though... I say while zipped up in my onesie in bed at 8am... ahem......  

I've been up since 3am applying for every job I can find that sounds bearable... in the meantime I'm helping out at the family business which is in dire need of some TLC. It doesn't pay much but I get to sit in an office and that alone is a step up from where I've been the past few weeks.

I'm also trying to figure out a way to get this car I fell in love with yesterday.

I've already named her... yip.. it's that bad. 

Her name is Bumble and I'm sold.... sadly she's not due to lack of funds... BUT I'M WORKING ON IT!!! 

I figured if I can hop onto a cruise ship or a yacht just for a few months and earn some euros I'll be able to pay back a loan for a car and have extra left over to play with and figure out the rest of my Godforsaken life. 

So that's the plan... now just to have some wonderful person hire me. 

Tick tock.

I'll also need to save up for some roof racks as I don't like my chances of squeezing one of my surfboards in Bumble... but I think she suits me SO MUCH. She's bright, tiny and a bit rickety just like me.  

In the meantime, Camp Nanowrimo started yesterday and I have started writing my 2nd thriller novel which possibly has the best name imaginable: The Book With No Name. 

A lovely and very generous friend of mine is currently helping me design a cover for it which is very exciting. There's something about having a cover made that gives me the motivation to crack on with writing. 

This is just a brief mock-up... there's a few more ideas floating around and of course font etc will all be changed but I'm liking the direction the covers going! 

I ADORE that feeling of holding the first draft of a book I've written. 

Right now I'm only a few chapters in but I'm really happy with my idea and eager to carry on creating! 

What else is there to say? 

The keto diet is SUCH a flop in South Africa. SO MUCH STARCHY FOOD HERE. It's impossible... I try to eat keto but I'm really not succeeding. At all.

I'm starving. Intermittent fasting is going well for the most part - except when I find Cinnamon Bun Cappuccino's which I HAVE TO HAVE IMMEDIATELY. That cocks up my 16 hour fast... but sometimes I like more than a black coffee OK! Not sure where my weight stands at the moment. Last I checked it was 52kg. I'm still working on toning back up again and flattening my stomach... so I've decided to start this 30 day plank and squat challenge. I tried day 1 just before I got sick and then I pretty much died. I will start over again today now that the worst of my flu has buggered off. 

Think I'm going to take my dog for a walk now... don't quite think I'm 100% up to running just yet! I can't even walk up a flight of stairs without huffing and puffing. This flu has seriously knocked me around! 

I'll update soon about jobs, cars, books and anything else I fancy sharing with you at that particular time... not that anyone actually cares.. but HEY.