Blog About Breakups and Being Single

It happened a week ago... the breakup.
For days I have been wallowing in self-pity. Finding it the hardest thing in the world to get up out of bed. I could barely see through my tears every time I did manage to lace up my trainers and go for a run. Sweat it out. Try to get those endorphins flowing.
Pouring glass after glass of wine to numb the pain inside, but it hurts. So much. I have no idea what I'm doing.
The truth is, I've given up EVERYTHING for men my entire life.... while still somehow managing to be the most selfish, insecure person you could ever come across. I don't even know how that works!! What I do know is, I need to do some serious work on myself now. Learn to love myself, enjoy my own company. Become independent... and stop this crazy obsession I have with love.

So for what feels like the very first time, I've started to make plans where I don't have to consider someone else or put them first. That first step wasn't easy. Hell no. Cracking open my laptop and putting my CV out there again was scary... because it feels like the start of a very new, uncertain chapter that I don't know if I want. I want to be here, in Knysna, with him. But to put it bluntly, I stuffed that up royally. I don't get that now. I get to be alone and grow the fuck up. I should thank him for this really... it's going to be the most challenging thing I've ever done but I guess it needs to be.
I'm not applying for jobs in Knysna anymore. Some people can make it work here. Some people want to make it work here. But for me... I have nothing here really. I barely see my family, who are toxic as it is. I have no car, literally enough money in my bank account to afford one meal IF that.
I'm staying in a tiny flat of my own for about a week now. I moved in yesterday. I have no idea what I'll do or where I'll go after this seven day stint in my own place. All I know is I couldn't stay at home. My mother went to rehab a few months back and now she's back home and causing as much pain and destruction to everyone she possibly can... so I can't stay in that house. Not while I'm going through this amount of turmoil and agony. It's impossible to grow and process everything that's happening with that going on.
So this little flat is my safe haven for now. It's quiet, safe, on the water... and the best part is, it's free. I was able to strike up a deal with a lady who needs someone to walk her dog for her and in return, I get free board.
In this week I should find out if I get one of the jobs overseas I've applied for. There's two very likely positions which although is hard graft, will pay enough per month to really get me back on my feet. Not these ridiculous Knysna salaries. If I stayed here, chances of me being able to get my own place, a car and afford groceries would be frankly impossible. Starting from scratch isn't a realistic thing in a place like Knysna when you literally have nothing and have no one to rely on. And that's the thing... I don't want to rely on anyone anymore... because when they are gone, like now, I'm left completely on my ass.
The thing is, I would have stayed in Knysna and happily pursued a job here if my ex and I were together because we'd be a team. I wouldn't have the full blown financial strain purely on myself. We'd share costs. Take turns to buy groceries. Things would be easier as a team... but I don't have that option now and with not being able to live back home with my family I see no other choice.
The one job I think will possibly offer me a contract this week would send me to the Seychelles... the other would jet me off back to Spain.
I also made a profile on an Au Pair website and have been looking into options in the UK too. So far I have one family interested in me but it's a single dad and his two sons. It would be a live in position and pays peanuts compared to what the boats would pay. I don't think I could ever be comfortable living in a house with a single dad, raising his sons. But these are the options available to me.
I have to try. I have to keep wiping the tears away.
Every time I apply for something I burst into tears and a deep guttural sound emerges from my throat. It hurts more than I thought humanly possible.
I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. I really don't. I WANT to stay here and make it work with my ex, prove to him that I have changed and grown from this experience. It's been a huge eye-opener and has made me see why my relationships have never worked. It has made me see what needs to change. But what do I do?? Stay in the hopes that he will finally one day miss me enough and want me back? Or leave.... where I'd be tied to a minimum of a ten month contract (which is longer than we've even been together!). I don't see how that would work in the favor of our relationship.
I am so lost. So so so hopelessly lost.
And he's done some cruel things, too. He's deleted every photo he ever posted of us or of me. Like I never existed. Never mattered. The sting that caused was brutal. He's posting photos all the time living his best life, having fun with friends, off on his bikes and flying high in the sky and diving into the water off of his boat. He seems happy. Happy without me. I know he's struggling so much too and going through his own world of hurt but seeing how he's OK without me, that he doesn't need me.... hurts. I know I shouldn't look... but he knows I'm seeing it all. Seeing these selfies he's posting where he looks nothing short of breathtaking. He's shockingly blue eyes staring into the camera lens, melting me.
I miss him so much. I miss the fun, adrenaline filled, adventurous days we'd have together. I miss the good times.

I have messages I've written to him saved on my phone... unsure if I'll ever actually send them. I read them over and over again. Letting the words sink in. Reminding myself every day what I've done wrong to deserve where I am right now... and knowing that I will never, ever do those things again. I can't! The insecurity, the temper and the controlling issues have messed my entire life up. I have to let go. I have to believe the tattoo that I have on my thigh that says, 'she is at a place in her life where peace is her priority and negativity cannot exist.' I cannot be a negative person anymore. I have to grow up and change. I have. I feel the shift. I feel the weight off my shoulders that has pulled me down since childhood. I've always had that needy obsession with needing to be loved because I never felt that as a kid. I've always needed other peoples acceptance. That's NOT how I want to live my life anymore. I want to be enough. For myself. In fact, I am enough... I'm learning that now.

I don't want to be the person that begs for people back... but I also don't want to play games. That is why this is so very hard to figure out because if I stay, it will be because I'm hoping we'll be OK. And I'd be happy to get a job here and have the life here and I wouldn't resent him for it.... but if I leave, I'd be doing jobs I know I won't be happy in but financially it would get me back on my feet and give me complete independence that I know I can't get here. I don't know what to do. I really don't. I love him deeply. I feel like he is my person. So then surely he must know how difficult this is for me. Knowing that if I stay, I have no way of affording a place and I can't stay with family so the predicament is HUGE. If I stay, I have no means of transport. It would be a month until I get my first salary which I know would be enough to afford a months worth of groceries but not enough to start saving up for a car and deposits for a flat of my own. If I stay, I have nothing. If I go, living costs overseas would be barely anything because I'd be working and living on a boat for ten months straight. There would be no rent due, no food costs and no need for a vehicle. It sounds like the option I need to go for because I could save up an incredible amount of money to really get back on my feet... but I'd lose the hope of us being OK and together again. And that would break my heart more than it already is...

So I've written this here because I know no one reads this crap I write anyway. This blog has been my venting place for years. Maybe people going through something similar to me stumble across this page while they are struggling. Maybe they can relate. Maybe I even help them somehow.... and maybe by writing it down I'm somehow helping myself.

It's 7am now. I have no idea what the day will bring... but I guess first and foremost, I need to leave the bedsheets, wash out my coffee cup and go for a run.

Laugh at Yourself! Don't Take Yourself So Bloody Seriously!!!!

March Favorites (And A Bit More On Manuscript Submissions)

March was a reasonably quiet month spent mostly enjoying my own company. I needed some time to unwind and take a breather from all the socials which have been ongoing since December!

Important and Life-Altering Thing 

That Happened In March:

Definitely sending my manuscript off to a literary agent. 

You can read a bit more about that HERE. In short though, it was terrifying! I've never had the courage to do that before and what the above post doesn't mention is that after you send the manuscript off, the waiting game begins. It's human torture in it's most gut-wrenching form. 

To make matters worse, you start flipping through your copies of what you've sent off,which is usually: 

• The First 3 Chapters of the Manuscript
• A Full Plot Synopsis
• A Cover Letter 
• A Curriculum Vitae

You start picking up even MORE spelling mistakes that make you so angry. HOW did you not SEE that one?! How did it slip through?! It wasn't there before! What the hell happened!?

Then the worry kicks in. You start asking yourself questions like:

Will they reject me because of that? 

Will they think it's sloppy? 

Did I rush this??? 

Reading your work back for the millionth time you wonder if they'll enjoy the story and wish that they could see the rest of the book because the first 3 chapters are great and all, but the heart of the story lies right in the middle when things spice up! Then you think, but a book needs to grip you right from the start! 

Does mine do that?  

Oh the torture!!! 

OK... Getting back on track, I'd like to get the negative things out of the way first. 

My Not So Favorite Thing That Happened In

 March:

In March, I moved house. That's the nice part... I LOVE moving and redecorating. I think it's ingrained in me to want to nest... the bad part was when I got robbed though. 

Yip. Some delightful assholes decided it would be fun to smash my car windows, pop my bonnet and steal EVERYTHING. Sentimental things you just can't replace... so that was really upsetting but the rest of the month managed to help me forget it.

My Mind Was Kept Busy With 

Renovations:

Moving into my new home meant drilling the shit out of walls to hang up paintings, clocks and photographs. I did just that.... almost giving my father a heart-attack when I drilled into our electrical wires..... oops.

Mum's, Sister-in-Law's and Handsome Bearded Fellow's Birthdays:

We don't really go out for dinner much as a family, but when it's a birthday we tend to spoil ourselves. Mum turned another year younger and we had a jolly good time at a pub!

There were another two birthdays this month too (my poor bank balance looks SO grim....)

My sister-in-law and the handsome bearded fellow both entered their dirty thirties and we celebrated in style!

My sister-in-law threw a Bohemian style party (I didn't even have to dress up!) which was a ton of fun at this gorgeous bistro in town called Bloos.

Then Sam's thirtieth was a piss-up with the mates:

Finally Used My Go-Pro:

Used my Go Pro for the first time - the review is HERE.

Favorite Thing To Do:

Enjoying the last stretch of summer out on hikes in the forest.

Favorite Friend Moments:

Ashley came down for a visit and we had a little reunion... gosh I miss him now that he's moved away!!! Just not the same.

I also bumped into one of my best girlfriend, Chanel!

Favorite Downtime:

Enjoying a nice glass of wine, red or white, it doesn't matter. 
I quit Crossfit. 
I didn't quit because it scared me or I died of muscle pain... I quit because I literally just can't afford it right now. 
I'm busy saving like CRAZY to afford this trip to Southeast Asia in 2 months time and unfortunately, as much as Crossfit would have helped me to get that Bikini Bod for Bali, I just can't right now. 

Back to my jogs and sit-ups at home I'm afraid! (and back to the wine.... because lets face it, I love it). 

Honesty Entering 2015

What is a blog if it isn't honest? I think a lot of us bloggers set up an account, brag about our outfits or latest beauty products, share bits of our materialistic lives and gush about how fabulous and glitzy we can be (I'm just generalizing here by the way. There are many of you that I absolutely love to keep up to date with that have actual interesting things to say!) 

Well, it's a new year in 1 day and 11 hours and I have something to admit. I haven't been honest with any of you.

You see... 2014 was a pretty shitty year for me for lack of better words. In fact, they are the perfect words - because it was shitty. Yet here I was trying to coax you into trying some silly horse shampoo or publishing a post about buying a pair of bad quality shoes every month to show to you like it really even mattered?! 

There were a small collection of 'real' posts I suppose - although I never really gave too much away. For example, there was the time back in June when my best friend in the world left and I wrote THIS.

Then there was a nice little slice of positive words to myself HERE shortly after that. 

I even posted a video clip back in August where I was in tears after being mucked around by yet another smelly git of a man... watch that NOW.  

I think the idea of posting real life struggles and perils is such a great idea in the blog world because we all have them but we try so hard to blanket them with all this bullshit. 

So here, in short, is a small summary of what REALLY happened in 

2014.... 

It was my first year as an Auntie. 

Jenson Charles Preston Wright was born on the 26th December 2013. 

Being an Auntie is incredible. It's a love like no other and this little guy has stolen my heart. 

I got a tattoo of cherry blossoms on my foot to symbolize mortality when my dad was given three days to live. 

I got my first novel, Walk With Me, published and it sold like hot cakes. The experience of publishing it was incredible but hard as hell. It did give me so much inspiration to complete my second novel entitled, The Other Woman, though. 

I had my first freelance journalist gig - which was a HUGE milestone in my career as a writer. It was for a site called Bored.com and it was about unique ways to wrap up your Christmas presents. 

As a writer, you can't help but feel so incredibly stoked when you see your own work published! So to see not only my first novel but also my first article published in 2014, that was pretty damn cool. 

You can check the article out HERE. 

I've been battling with living back at home with my folks - who although try to deny it, are big lovers of getting absolutely pickled every night in front of the television. 

I don't know how life could ever end up like that... sitting on the couch, slowly passing out from too much alcohol while watching mindless junk on the TV. 

I'm scared of that happening to me..... and I am willing to do just about anything to prevent it. 

I get angry and grumpy with them and become a terror of a person. I bitch and moan and shout at them... me... their daughter... the one they used to rock to sleep at night and sing lullabies to. 

I get so churned up inside seeing them like that. 

If it was once a week, on a weekend... then why not? But it is every single bloody night. But as hard as I try to tell them they have a problem... they just don't stop. 

I don't know if they ever will. 

But I still love them both... dearly.

As for friends..... well... to be honest with you it's been a pretty lonely year. 

I've never been great at making friends. 

Back in high school I was the biggest freak show and nerd you could get... of course it affects you. 

I have a few wonderful close friends like Lucien and Ashley... but the others seem to come and go. 

A lot of the time I make great friends but then they move to a new town or to a different country and slowly we lose contact. It's how it works I suppose.... but I have been needing to find a 'group,' if you will..... 

It sucks so much to see all these photographs on Facebook of girls nights and barbecues, going out and having FUN. 

I have them too - at the end of every month I show you photo's of me enjoying my evenings with people.... but do those people really care or know me? Not really.... not if I'm honest.

I miss having friends - friends that keep in touch and check in on how you are. Friends who make the effort and go the extra mile to let you know they are there for you. 

I don't have many of them left anymore.

Surfing? There hasn't really been much of that. I have probably done it a handful of times this year - and actually, as I write this, I am struggling away with some seriously stiff muscles from a couple of hours in the water on Sunday. I caught about three good waves but I definitely need to pick it back up again if I have any hope of surfing Indonesia in 7 months time!!! 

That's the OTHER thing... those of you who follow me regularly (thanks for that by the way!) will obviously know how passionate I am about travel. 

There was non of that in 2014.... barring a few little jets to the cities in South Africa, which I'm not really sure counts... but at least I was on a plane. 

There's something about being way up there in the sky.... and it's not just the fact that the altitude makes drinking wine just that much more fun! No... it's knowing that when you touch ground again it will be some place else....

I get SERIOUS cabin fever. 

I'm a nomad... a gypsy... or as my mother likes to call me, a bit of a waif and a stop-out............... (thanks mum). 

I go bat-shit crazy without experiencing the joys of a new country and culture. 

I could have traveled, hell, I've saved up enough! But I'm saving up so that next year can be my travel year... I have big plans and slowly but surely they are all coming into fruition. That's the only thing keeping me sane right now... knowing soon, I'll be somewhere else on the map, with a rucksack on my back and a passport in my hand. 

Now here's the real deep one....

I slit my wrist. Yip. Now there's some honesty for you. 

I had an absolute breakdown - went on anti-depressants and started suffering from major anxiety. 

Why did I do it? There are many reasons. 

Depression is a hard pill to swallow on top of the CiLift or whatever happy drug you're taking to help you out.

I think more often than not, we are so afraid to show who we really are... to show our weaknesses and fall-backs because we are petrified of judgement. 

But you know what??? Judge me if you want to. I don't care anymore. 

I got weak and I fell. I'm left with a stupid scar across my left wrist from something I did because I was ashamed with myself. Why???

Because I nearly killed someone. 

I got involved with a married man - fell in love with him, adored him, almost bloody worshiped him.... and he loved me back. At least I think he did. But then his wife found out and she didn't take it well. Who can blame her??? It's the worst thing I have ever done - to have continued something like that.
I should probably clarify that I didn't actually KNOW he was married until I was already to deep in into the doomed hole.... I really didn't. If I had, things would have ended up VERY differently. 

She slashed her wrists... badly. It wasn't just a plea for attention, but a genuine suicide attempt - and when he told me about it, it gave me such a fright. 

I was devastated. How could I have done that to someone??? And so I wanted to feel that pain. Somehow I thought that if I punished myself I could make it better. I fell back into a depression so deep and hurtful that I was experimenting with drugs and harming myself so much.... not letting anyone in to help. No one even really knew what I was doing.
One of the reasons I finally moved back home to my folks, was because I was having a problem with drugs. I told my folks everything. What I'd thought was just fun experimental teenage shit actually got really ugly......... and I made the huge decision to come clean to them.... and for AGES I had done so well at cleaning myself up... but after this happened.... I fell down again. 

Falling into this black abyss of depression and self-loathing very nearly killed me. 

I tried to apologize - I tried to make amends. But how can you ever really do that? How does someone ever forgive you for that? And how do you forgive yourself???

That weight has been resting heavily on my shoulders all throughout 2014 and I don't know when it will go away - or if it ever will. 

That story is what my book, The Other Woman is based on. 

Have you ever done anything so awful that you don't know if you could ever forgive yourself? If so... how did you overcome it? 

And lastly - I started dating the handsome bearded fellow... Sam. 

I think what is different about us is that I actually finally stopped caring. That sounds like the most unromantic thing I've ever said but let me explain....

Throughout my life, I have been with over a handful of absolute knob-heads... which in no way means I am any kind of a Saint... but from drug-addicts to beaters, manipulators and cheaters, even obsessive and possessive. Throw a couple of crazies in there and you've spelled out my life story! I can tick them all off. So eventually, I just felt like my heart had been so destroyed that I genuinely couldn't love again. 

I tried. 

I had one or two absolute GEMS that I tried DESPERATELY hard to love. It wasn't them. It was me.... as cliche as that sounds. I just couldn't open my heart - though I tried so hard it seemed like I did love them. I tricked myself and I tricked them into thinking I was in love. As evil as that sounds, I really didn't mean it to be. 

So when Sam came around I was literally done. 

Over. 

Ca-put with love. 

We went out a few times... both of us fresh out of relationships and feeling a bit lost... and he reawakened a certain spark in me that had been missing for so long. 

He challenged me. He wasn't over-the-top romantic or nauseatingly mushy. He was real... strong and manly.. yet so incredibly gentle. The definition of a big teddy bear (OK... Maybe more of a grizzly bear)... but he's my bear. 

It was the first time I entered into something with all my cards on the table. I told him EVERYTHING... and by everything, I mean everything. What did I have to lose anyway???? And Sam accepted it. He chose to love me with all of my flaws and imperfections.. the real ones. The ones that we try to hide away from even those that are closest to us. 

Have I found the guy I am meant to spend the rest of my life with?

Who knows - I'm not claiming to know the future. 

But I am happy - and I make him happy - and together we are growing and learning and being... as we should be. 

It's as simple as that.  

So that was pretty much my year. 

Not all it seemed to be cracked up to be from so many of my showy posts, was it??? 

We all have things behind the scenes. 

It's called real life... and I think we need to start facing it. 

Stop hiding it.

It's almost as bad as photogshopped models. They DO have stretch marks and cellulite and a bit of a wobble.... but people edit themselves so much... it's such a lie. 

This is life... now stop editing yours and worrying about being judged. 

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter... and those who matter don't mind!" - Dr Seuss. 

See you all in the New Year.

Peace, love and harmony to all.... and to all, a goodnight. 

Addo Elephant National Park

I had the most wonderful weekend out in the wild, going on game drives where there was little to no signal. Every so often it is so good for you to deviate from the beaten track and get lost in the roads less traveled. 

Day One was scorching hot, I arrived mid-afternoon and ventured out on a game drive where I spotted beautiful and majestic elephants, eagles, tortoise, zebra, warthog and lots of buck. 

This is a photo of me introducing my nephew, Jenson (9 months old), to Pumba!

He was such a gem all weekend, laughing, smiling and giggling in between his adorably chaotic crawling EVERYWHERE!! Nothing is safe anymore now that he is officially mobile! Ahhh!

The elephants and the eagles really did steal the show for me this weekend. Both are creatures that I am absolutely fascinated by. 

Unfortunately we saw no wild cats; but on day two we did manage to spot black-backed jackal and hyena munching on stolen prey. 

I called shot gun with my mum while my brother, his wife and Jenson went in their own car... and boy did mum and I party it up in our vehicle. We're as bad as each other really!! Mischief I tell you. 

In the evenings once the gates to the park had been shut and everyone else had gone to bed, mum and I ordered bottles of wine, stole glasses and hopped down to the watering hole hoping to see animals drinking but alas, it was dead. 

It was really wonderful to bond with her again though. 

Our family has been through a lot lately and so it was lovely to forget everything and just let our hair down together.  

In the mornings we'd head over to the local grill and bistro and fuel up with some breakfast - Jenson having his mushed up carrots and butternut baby foods. I couldn't help but feel bad! 

I had to share this photo of Auntie Jade and her stunning nephew though - how freaking cute is he in his little stripey shirt and Happy Chappy cap!? 

My heart melts. 

Overall, it was just wonderful to break routine and escape out into nature for a while. 

I'm not the kind of girl that likes to be in big cities, in clubs and shopping malls and wearing bloody makeup and high-fashion all day, every day. 

I don't like sitting on a computer day in and day out - surrounded by drama and developing a seriously bad case of small-town syndrome. 

Escaping this past weekend really just fuelled me up in wanting to head back out there into the world again. 

I've been stuck in South Africa for a year now, which is the longest I've been without traveling in an incredibly long time and it is starting to eat away at my spirit. 

I've got a few ideas in mind - mainly being to save, save, save while working my butt off and keeping out of trouble and then heading over to India for a little trip next year for the Holi One Colour Festival (tick another thing from my bucket list!) in March. 

From there I'd come back and continue working and saving like mad until I have made a firm decision on where I want to move to for a few months and work overseas. That's been an idea of mine for a while now and the main countries that really appeal to me are Canada (one of the things on my bucket list is to learn to snow-board at a ski-resort there and work there while I'm at it! Lets face it, Canadian accents are beautiful, the country itself is beautiful and the people are renowned for being friendly, quirky and fun!), then there's Bali... my biggest dream in life (barring being a famous novelist!) is to go there and surf - be a beach bum for a while. Here I could teach surfing or English, work in a back-packers. I was thinking about it all yesterday and the thing is that in Canada, I know loads of people from really close friends I met while traveling through Europe last year, old school friends that have moved there since university to pursue musical careers, to amazing 'pen-pals' and blogging friends. Bali, I know no one that actually lives there but I know many friends of mine that go there often to surf and get away (lucky right???). This inevitably makes Bali slightly more scary for me as I'd be 100% alone - but it's awesome to have options. 

Lastly there is Australia. Again, I have not only friends from school and friends that I met while traveling through Europe that live there but I also have family. Family who have been so kind as to offer me FREE accommodation while finding my feet there. 

I don't want to choose a country purely based on accommodation reasons though - and to be honest, Australia, as wonderful as it is, wouldn't be number one on my list. 

My cousin that lives there has been giving me some amazing advice though... drilling into my head that if I don't get out of this small town and branch out, experience what the world has to offer while I am young and have nothing holding me back - then I will regret it... and you know what? He's right. I will. So I know I need to go. 

I was looking at my savings account as some sort of a security blanket and thinking how great it is to have all this cash saved up for if and when I need it but I could die tomorrow. Any of us could - and if I don't go and live my dreams of travel while I can, with the money I have saved, I'll always regret it. 

Someone very cynical told me that I won't have a chance to regret it, because I'll be dead (thanks for that.....) but I see it completely differently. 

So I can confidently say that I have made my decision. 

I will be going traveling again A LOT as of next year. A few more months of saving up to achieve this and then poof... I am off on a new adventure. Where to, I don't know yet - and that is half of the excitement. 

Thursday's Trio of Blessings

I'm reading a book at the moment where one of the characters writes down three blessings that occurred in her life at the end of each day. I adored the idea of doing that but thought that every day would be a bit of an overkill to share to the online world... especially as sometimes my blessings can get quite sarcastic (you'll see how later).

So welcome to Bohemian Muses: Thursday's Trio of Blessings

If I have the discipline to keep up with this as a weekly post - you'll be reading three blessings that happened to me during the 24 hours of my Thursday, every Thursday!

It's a great way to reflect on the day and appreciate the good things - no matter how small and insigificant they may seem.

Can I just add here that I know it's a blessing to be alive, to have food on the table and a roof over my head. I know and appreciate that - this is just a silly, fun post purely for my own wacky entertainment. 

So here's this Thursday's Trio of Blessings: 

1. The hot chocolate hadn't run out when I woke up at 4am and couldn't fall back asleep. Reading in bed during the early hours of a misty morning with a mug of frothy Cadburys...
   Pure Bliss.
   
   

• I did not run over my ex-boyfriends fiance. 
  I have no broken toes and no blisters from my heel wearing yesterday
  (even though I changed into slippers halfway through the day much to my bosses disgust!)
  
  
  
  

• The market next to where I work finally stocked my favorite Chilli Olives.

Nom nom nom.

How has your Thursday been? I hope it was as blessing filled as mine was (haha).

Shoes of the Month | April

Yippie, yippie yay! I'm doing my Shoes of the Month post today!

This month's shoe post has been pretty late - mainly because I bought two pairs of gorgeous shoes. My big mistake however was that I bought two SEEMINGLY gorgeous shoes from a really cheap store. 

Did I mention 'BIG' mistake?!

Both shoes that I bought have already broken. What a waste of money.

So... as Autumn is in full gear now and winter is looming closer - I thought why not actually go to a REAL store and buy some boots that will get me through not one month, but perhaps actually a few winters and years!?

So without further ado...

I love them. They are snug and warm - comfortable.. padded on the inside, good quality and an amazing brown color. I love the buckles and zips - they're just great. 

It is more than I would EVER spend on a pair of shoes to be honest - a whopping R 650.00. But, that being said, it is so worth it. They aren't going to fall apart like my last two did. I think rather saving your cash and spending it on something of better quality is the right way to go. Goodbye cheap shitty stores. I will not miss you. 

I'm really not usually the type to buy nice shoes or spend heaps of money on glam clothing etc. I'm a traveler.... a bit of a hippy... so what's the point, right?? Well... every once in a while, spoiling yourself is nice. There's no doubt about it. 

I've worn my new shoes nonstop for the last few days. 

Here is what I wore them with this morning:

I paired my new boots with some jeggings (leggings that look like jeans.. yes I love them), a creamy sequenced vest and my peach blazer that I bought in Amsterdam last year. Oh, I'm also rocking a darker hairstyle and I've snipped my fringe. Hey, it's my birthday soon.... spoils ahoy! 

These shots were taken just before I left for work. My nephew has been coming to visit all week long because of all the holidays here in South Africa. So every morning before I drive my little blue Micra along the lagoon road to the gallery - I get to steal some of his gurgles and smiles. Blessed!!!

Lifestyle Post

It has been a long time since I've done a more personal post that is commonly known as a, 'lifestyle,' post.

The truth is I don't really know how to do them anymore as I have privatized my life a lot more than I used to online. Before I realized that my blog was actually getting read by people world-wide I used to write whatever I felt like writing, even posting a few times a day if I felt like it. Seeing how my blog has blossomed overtime gave me somewhat of a wake-up call as to what I should be posting publicly and learning where the line is drawn.


My blog started as a silly page set-up purely for a nineteen year old girls rants and raves about anything and everything. There was no holding back.

Since then, my blog has substantially grown and I guess in a sense, a layer of paranoia slipped over me. I suddenly didn't want the whole world to be able to know what was or is going on in my life and for months and months now I've been in a sort of cocoon... hiding myself and my life away.

Even more truthfully, I felt that there were a lot of things going on in my life that I wasn't particularly proud of. Furthermore, I didn't know whether I was coming or going! How was I supposed to blog about my life when I didn't even know which direction it was going in??? I realize now that I should have used that as my purpose of blogging. There are so many people that must be feeling that exact same way and perhaps I could have given them some sort of solace in my words?

Now, at twenty-three (nearly,) life is still as confusing as ever. I still don't know where life is taking me - all I know is that it is taking me somewhere new... somewhere unknown. Lately everything has changed, although you wouldn't really be able to notice that if you looked at me. I feel the change internally though. I feel wiser, calmer and more comfortable in my own skin. I feel as though in many ways, I have grown up.. although at the same time, I still make mistakes and react the wrong way sometimes. No one is perfect and that is something I think everyone needs to remember. Sometimes, we will muck up and feel ashamed.. we will make a fool of ourselves and we will inevitably have a day where we can't handle things anymore. We will cry. We will fail... but we will also laugh. We will also smile. There is a quote that I want to get tattooed on my foot and it goes like this:

'Happiness Is A Mood, Not A Destination.'

We need to remember those words - because there are always going to be bad days. The bad days help you to appreciate and acknowledge the good. You are never going to end up in some magical world of eternal happiness - there will always be curve-balls thrown your way. What we need to learn to do is embrace them, combat them.. grow stronger from them!



The other day, I woke up and remembered what my blog used to be. I started this blog for me... not for anyone else. Yes, writing about products and movies, books and food is great and I do love sharing things with people but that isn't how this blog originally started. When my blog was born my writing was raw, real and unplanned. It was about deaths, breakups, work and friends. It was about my struggles and strife's as well as the happy times.



Sometimes when I visit my favorite blogs I see them posting as I used to - for themselves and not really caring who reads it or how open it actually is.. and it is making me miss that.

So I think, slowly, I will be starting to go back to my original roots and squeezing some lifestyle posts back into Bohemian Muses... just my overall thoughts and quips.. stories from my every day life. If no one reads it then that's fine too - I'm not asking you to. At least it will be out of my system.



I know so many people that don't have the time or see the point in blogging and they think you're stupid because no one actually cares what you're doing on a daily basis etc.. it is like when people instagram silly every day things.. what is the point? Or update your facebook status to say what you are doing.. it usually isn't anything special.. so why post it??? Well.. because you can. I also happen to love lifestyle posts - perhaps because I'm a nosy as hell writer and I love venturing into other people's worlds. Blogging is a hobbie, just as sports or cars are to other people. Blogging is a passion.

So... my life. Well - this paragraph I have typed out a thousand times and deleted now. I don't know where to start. Can you really sum your world up in one blog post? See what I mean how getting back into blogging 'lifestyle' posts is difficult???

I haven't really been out much since the arrival of my nephew, who was born on the 26th December 2013. I've noticed this whole year so far, all of my photographs on facebook are of me with him. I'm totally and completely besotted.

Life seemed to hit this calm spot whereas in the past, weekends were filled with friends and partying. I guess it doesn't help that the majority of my friends all left town to go on to bigger and better things and the others all got into relationships and moved on with their lives in different ways. Suddenly I felt pretty lonely. I no longer had a 'group.'

It wasn't often that I saw friends anymore, not the way that I used to and I guess that made me see that it is time that I also move on. I feel like everyone has gone to do something with their lives and dive into this big wide world yet I am still driving my little blue Micra up and down the same streets every day, doing the same thing. Yes, I have traveled a lot, written a book, painted, made jewelry.. I am happy living close to the ocean as I surf - but sometimes you just need to experience something new. I wouldn't say that I've 'failed' but I definitely haven't followed the norm that one would do after finishing college. Even before I finished college I worked my absolute ass off at jobs to earn as much as I could... from waitressing in the middle of summer when I could have been out at the beach with friends, to working in a video store even on Christmas Day (seriously, who rents videos on Christmas Day!?). I did anything and everything to scramble up the funds to travel. I've never stopped working my ass off to be fair. I always have a job, sometimes even two or three.

Travel was / is my goal and I succeeded. I went to Thailand, Singapore, England, Venice, Rome, Florence, Pisa, Paris, The French Riviera, Austria, Munich, Berlin, Amsterdam, Prague, Monaco and Zanzibar since I left college and I'd been to many other countries before that.

Of course I had help from my parents as well. My dad had invested money a long time ago which matured and he gave me the option, either I could study with my split of the money, or, and he already knew the answer, I could travel.

I was happy with my decision and jetted off to gain some life experience.

The journey was also in an attempt to heal a severely broken heart that I was lugging around with me like dead weight. Who I had thought at the time was my soul-mate was suddenly banned from seeing me (because I dated his brother in law years earlier), he then went traveling the world too and I had to see images online of him with other women. His father then shot himself and he had to go and get help in LA as the traumatic incident had deeply affected him. I was dying to be there for him but I couldn't be, although we had agreed to remain best friends throughout, I could feel us slipping further and further apart until the day came where we woke up one morning and stopped messaging each other completely. It killed me and after many failed attempts of reaching out as a friend with little to no response, I knew when it was finally time to call it a day. I decided to close up my battered heart and move on.

Important note: now, said man, is happily in a relationship with a wonderful lady and they have just had a son. There are no bad feelings and I am actually going to visit them sometime to meet the little one and catch up with them. Once your heart has healed, everything gets easier. Of course it was a HUGE shock to discover that he was having a baby with someone and that now things never had hope... but once I had accepted that and done hours of sorting through my thoughts and emotions, I realized that I was happy for him.

The second heartbreak was Eddie. Married man. This one still hurts, even when I think that I am over it. I could have days and days of feeling like I'm over the pain and guilt of what went on, then, one day arises and everything just comes flooding back. I feel empty and hurt and betrayed.

I don't think that heartbreak is ever something that goes away; it may subside overtime but you'll never be rid of it. I think that's how you know that you were really in love.

With my first heartbreak, it was easier to accept things and move on but something like what I had with Eddie.. I don't think that pain or confusion will ever really go away. I loved him before I knew he was married, so it was already too late. I am the last person to believe in 'Love At First Sight,' because I feel that you need to know and accept the flaws in people too before you can truly love them - but this came close. Within a matter of days this man had my heart - which was so unexpected for me as I didn't think that it was possible to love again after my previous heartache. I didn't really believe in love anymore.

Things with Eddie did end badly, I guess that's all you need to know. It was bound to anyway - I was naive and silly for continuing something that could have no future. I just desperately wish that I understood it more. The things he would say to me seemed so real and true... how could a person do that to someone?

There's a song that really stood out to me during this time in my life by:

 Across Five Aprils - A Year From Now.

So the journey overseas was supposed to help me overcome that hurdle too. That is when I discovered that traveling to heal yourself is the worst thing you could do... not for your wounds but for your travels! If you go out with that as your intention then you are only running away from yourself and what your life has turned into instead of facing it head on. Travel when you are happy and do it for the one and only reason: Experience.

So right now, my life is under construction. I will be uprooting myself and starting fresh in a new place without the comfort of parents or friends. Not immediately, but soon. I need to come up with a plan (which is already underway). As soon as I can construct some sort of a plan or idea together - I will blog about it. For now though, things really are just too muddled to attempt explaining to you, let alone myself.

Regarding one of the many reasons that I have felt for long over a year that I need to leave the little town I live in........ Last night I watched movie called A Good Year starring Russell Crowe. It is set in a vineyard in France – what a delightful film! Anyway, while I was watching it one things stuck out to me from it. The woman that Russell Crowe falls in love with in the film says to him:

“Maybe it isn’t this place that doesn’t suit your life. Maybe it is your life that doesn’t suit this place.”

Those words seriously struck home for me. It is exactly what I have been feeling lately. Knysna, the town I live in, isn’t a bad place at all. It is gorgeous and filled with an abundant, almost endless supply of fun outdoorsy things to do. People who have been here for a while all tend to say the same thing to the newcomers, “Be careful. This place will swallow you up!” etc. Last night I realized that isn’t true. After a while, we all change. Now, I’ve realized it isn’t the town, it’s me. My life doesn’t suit this place anymore – not right now. So I’ve got to move on. We all need to step out of our comfort zones at some stage or another and grow. This is my time - a time to grow.. a time to learn. It is a time to construct the life that I want to have rather than living the life that I am content in.

I'm going to be thrown into the deep end of life - but I feel that it is time... time to make something of myself and time to saying, 'Yes, I have moved on from Knysna.' It is a place that I will always revisit because of its beauty and because my family is here, but I want to grow and I feel that my growth has been stunted by staying here for so long.

It used scare me knowing that once I leave, I won't have a friendship circle supporting me anymore - but then I took a long, hard think about it and realized that I don't see my friends often anymore anyway. Times have changed and for the first time in my life, I feel ready to embrace a new, uncharted chapter even though I know I'll be going in blind. I am no longer scared. I am ready. I am excited.

Matters of my heart right now? After two severely bad heartbreaks in the past that honestly left me feeling that I no longer had a heart or love to share with another soul... it has been hard to put  myself fully out there again, especially as when I did so, the attempts were not exactly welcomed with open arms. I had tried to be a girlfriend but situations were complicated and the love that I was ready to give and wanted to give was denied due to forces far bigger than we know.
I haven't let it put out my fire though - and although, again, I am not yet ready to reveal 'everything' to the online world, that is also under construction. I am working towards a bigger and better future that I know is out there... somewhere.
I guess it is like if you fall pregnant, you don't go and advertise it straight away... you wait until you've passed the first trimester. It is the first trimester after all that is the critical stage where you could potentially lose the baby... well, a relationship, I feel, is much the same. There is also a first trimester.. and I have always been the sort of person who only reveals it once that stage has passed. It isn't something I would even share with my family until that stage has passed actually. Introducing someone to your family is a massive deal and the word 'love' is far too easily slung around nowadays. I am a private person - which is hilarious to type thinking about the fact that I am about to publish this blog to the entire world! But what I'm getting at is that, one day, when the time is right, everything that needs to be said will be said.. all will be revealed in its own time. Things I don't even know are going to happen - things that will just come into my life when I least expect it. For now - all you need to know on that front is that I am happy. I am happy with who I am and that is a huge part of being able to be with someone. You need to love and respect yourself before someone else can - so for a while - whether you are married, taken or single.. just take some time to appreciate yourself and reconnect with who you are. Take a day for just you.... you'll have no idea how much that it is needed.

On that note...

Recently, I caught up with a bunch of my old girlfriends at a birthday party (hence the photographs). It was so nice to be back in touch with them and share some cocktails. I was also able to hear their thoughts and advice on where I should go and what I should do - but at the end of the day, the decision is mine and they can only say so much.

Seeing my girlfriends again made me see that we have all changed in our own ways - life has been kind to each one of us. Although each of us have had our fair share of dilemmas and mishaps, there have also been blessings which continue to make us smile. The good always outweighs the bad.

No matter what happens in life - at some point, you are going to smile again.