Alright stars... you win. I believe you now.

Alright stars... you win. I believe you now. 

I've been reading up on my horoscope from time to time, seeing what silly stuff life has in store for me according to my star sign, Taurus. Lately though, my horoscope has been spookily accurate. 

Not only did I get a horoscope reading last month saying that I'd be collecting a set of keys for a vehicle and low and behold, later that week I got a car. 

It said stuff like how in love terms, I'm getting ready to share deep knowledge with "M...." and my exes name begins with an M..... and low and behold last week I told him this entire experience has made me realize what I'm worth and that he doesn't deserve me. That was a really powerful moment for me, to finally stand my ground and be OK with the breakup. And I meant every word, too. 

Today, if you read my below post, my horoscope basically told me I was going to be an emotional wreck today. The first half of the day was OK. I mean, I couldn't complain. I had a yummy smoothie from my new NutriBullet I just bought for myself (call it an early Valentines Day gift). I had a job to go to with really nice colleagues. But as the day went on I can't explain it.... my mood just plummeted. I started thinking way too much about life. That's always dangerous, especially if you're me. 
I just got to thinking about how I'm almost 30 and back on dating sites... and the mundane conversations you have with people. The same shit all the time: Hi. How are you? What do you do? How was your day? Blah fucking blah. I'm over it. And then I think back to year ago when I was using Tinder and how I was so mellow about it and I met people so easily. We can't do that anymore. Covid-19 has really made it hard to connect with someone the 'normal' way. You can't go out to a restaurant or the zoo. I mean, at the beginning of lockdown I had socially distanced dates. I got serenaded in a field overlooking a lake with an acoustic guitar by a musician while I sipped happily on a glass of wine and reveled in every women's envy as they walked by. It was lovely. Very romantic. But he just wasn't for me. The thing is, he was TOO clingy. He wouldn't leave me the fuck alone. I know what you're about to say. Pump the breaks.. hold up Jade, that's exactly what you wanted!? Someone to give you their undivided attention. I DON'T KNOW people of the internet. I don't know what my problem was then. I just KNEW he wasn't 'The One...' before the clinginess began really so when that kicked in I got probably unnecessarily annoyed. See, I love affection. I LOVE words of affirmation, it's my love language for Gods sake. I love feeling SPECIAL not that I actually know what that feels like (I guess I'd love to know). But I also like space. And if we are together in the same room, yeah the occasional coming up behind me to wrap your arms around me while I'm cooking and giving me a kiss on the neck is lovely. A welcome distraction at times.... but this musician was CONSTANTLY all over me and I couldn't stand it. I'm not used to it. I think, after what I've been through, affection is something that you're going to need to slowly work out of me. I used to be the most loving, affectionate and caring girl in the world.... but life happened and I hardened up. Yeah I'm still a massive softie. I cry too easily. I feel things too deeply. But the affection thing is no longer normal for me. I have such a huge guard up and that needs work. 

Anyway I'm going completely off track. So my emotions pretty much bulldozed me to the ground today. After work as I was trudging to my car I was fighting back the tears and I couldn't even explain why. My only idea is the fact that online dating is hard now and I feel deflated. With not being able to date the normal way the only thing people bloody suggest is a walk.... and walks in the UK this time of year are cold and miserable. I don't mind that so much...... I love tugging on my wellies and bundling up. But I just want someone to suggest something unique. Something that makes me feel like, WOW.... this guys making an effort! I don't really feel like anyone really is right now.... and that's not really even fair of me because of the law right now...! It's just it's either a bloody walk in the pissing rain or going to someones's house / vice versa and I am FAR too street-wise for that. I am not allowing some random block into my flat that I've just met and I certainly am not going to a random house in a random area I don't know either. Dating right now is near impossible - and scary. Yet I just know my ex will be loving Muddy Matches dating site right now and arranging gorgeous dog walks with women from all over Milton Keynes. Good fekking luck to whoever he gets to go for walks, his low libido and mind-games, not to mention aggression and anger are your problem now!  

Again.... off track. I started driving home and at one of the roundabouts where I have to take the third exit I almost killed myself. That did it. The rest of the way home I was clutching onto my steering wheel sobbing my heart out... plus there was actual TRAFFIC which I mean, I didn't understand because it's never been busy before because LOCKDOWN. So everyone could probably see me sobbing and angrily swiping away at my cheeks. Just grrrrrrrrreat. 

I finally made it to my parking lot in one piece (just) and had to run to the post office to submit my South African drivers license to be changed for a GB one. That in itself is scary shit because to send your application is almost fifty quid, not to mention the special postage to make sure you can track that shit. So my total fee cost me almost seventy quid I just don't have right now but it had to be done. I'm living on fekking 55p tinned soups for the rest of the bloody month. 

After the post office I literally ran down the dodgy little alleyway to my flat and burst into tears. 

I'm 30 in EXACTLY 100 days. Life isn't playing fair with me.

There's been this question in my head for a while now that honestly I've been trying to ignore.... but it reared its ugly head again today and I just can't shake it. What if marriage and kids just isn't meant for me? I have so many fucking grey hairs and I don't even get ID'd anymore when buying wine because I have wrinkles to boot. 
On my lunch break today I walked to Sainsbury's to pick up some eggs and shit... and on my way back to work I passed a couple around my age walking hand in hand, chatting and laughing away. She'll have a date for Valentines Day. She'll be getting proposed to and having babies. Me??? Will I? I'm starting to think I just don't see it for myself anymore. Maybe it isn't my destiny. Maybe I'm meant to be alone (and I'm not saying this in a weird miserable way! I'm just thinking about it seriously). I always thought I'd be a great mum. A great wife. I feel like I'm an amazing, supportive and loving girlfriend, or at least I used to be. Life has given me some major trust issues and that too makes this whole dating again thing hard. Impossible. Thanks life and covid. My laptop doesn't even recognize the word 'covid.' It thinks I'm misspelling something. Well, dear old shitty laptop, you better get used to that word. Covid. Covid. Covid. 

Right. I'm going to check out what the horoscope has to say for tomorrow. Big sigh. Here we go....

'All the planets are very fortunately aligned for you.' HOLY SHIT!? Yes!!!! 

'The coming weeks should be great, Taurus.' Music to my bloody ears.

Oooo yep... it's telling me I may worry about this good fortune not lasting and yep... if things are going good in my life chances are I'm probably going to be veeeeeerrrrryyyyyy skeptical about it. 
'Don't let yourself panic. This all continues for the next 6 months.' Okayyyy.... great..... what happens after 6 months!? Don't let me get half way to fucking 31 and have another bloody breakup and have to start over again. Please. I can't take it anymore. Then I really WILL become a crazy cat lady. 

Oh, hold on. It says, 'however, you may need to focus sufficient effort if you want it last for a longer time.' Shut the fuck up horoscope..... I always put every ounce of effort I have into my life and you know what??? It. Never. Works.

I think my problem today is that I'm honestly on the verge of just giving up. 

I clicked on the Love section of the horoscope and it says, 'Todays the ideal day to arrange a get-together with those you love most.' Ahem. Horoscope, are you TRYING to get me arrested. We're in the middle of a world pandemic. Stupid. Although my guess is this was all written by some American Trump supporter anyway so they couldn't give two shits. 
ALSO, horoscope. Groovy. I'll just jump onto a flight back to South Africa to go and see my best girlfriends then shall I?? They're pretty much who I love most in the world now. Besides my nephews obviously, but they tire of me and get tantrums after about fifteen minutes so I don't quite think a 12 hour flight is worth that right now haha. My loved one, ex loved one rather, is gone. You should KNOW this horoscope. Get your shit together. Get facts straight before you go putting my life together for me. Gosh! 

Oooooo this is interesting though. If you're looking for a new relationship, don't stay reading. Get out there and meet as many people as possible. 

FANTASTIC. Covid 19 all around!?!!?? I mean, not that I have it or anything.... but HE might. And if I'm meeting person after person that's surely not wise in this current situation. 

I. Am. Having. A. BAD. Day.