I Miss Something I Never Had

I miss being somewhere appreciated.

I miss living in a house that isn't impossible to breathe in without second-hand smoke continuously drifting through the rooms. 

I miss a clean environment - somewhere pleasant to cook in. Somewhere you are proud to call home.

I miss that feeling of walking through the front door and sighing with the relief of being back in your safe haven after a days work or a trip away.

I miss roadtrips - dancing and singing along to music with a takeaway cup of coffee in one hand and my ex partners fingers laced through the other. 

I miss exploring the world with someone to experience it all with. 

I miss the simple things like sunsets on the roof, watering my plants and listening to the birds sing when the rain comes down.

I miss runs along the brook and dips in the little communal pool. 

I miss running and jumping into my ex's arms every evening and asking how his day was. 

I miss feeling that confidence that I was going in the right direction.

I miss looking down at my hand and seeing that beautiful ring that symbolised everything I ever needed and more. 

I miss pajama parties and cheering on sports at a stadium even though I had no idea what was going on.

I miss hairy chests and snuggles while we did our own things.. me reading a book and him watching sport or playing xbox.

I miss being called ''baby'' and hearing those three words that I don't hear from anyone anymore. I love you. 

I miss feeling loved. 

I miss feeling respected and desired and wanted and needed. 

I miss loving someone. I really miss that.

I also miss the days where my mother was my best friend. I miss the times we used to have deep, meaningful conversations. I miss how she would hold me if I was sad and laugh with me when I was happy. 

I miss the nights where I didn't have to watch my family drink themselves to sleep. 

I miss my independence. I miss having savings for if I needed it and a car to get into if I needed to get away. I miss the freedom I used to have at my fingertips and I miss not feeling like I've somehow lost absolutely everything I ever cared about. I miss feeling like my life was worth it.

I miss looking in the mirror and seeing someone happy... not someone exhausted, pale, devastated and alone.

I miss being around people that made me a better person and didn't bring the worst out in me. 

I miss somewhere and something that I never had - because where are those things and those people now? That's how you truly realise who is real and who is fake in your life. When those people you bent over backwards for the cook and clean for and invite into your home and only EVER be polite and friendly to just disappear... that's when you realise how much of your precious time you wasted on the wrong kind of people.