Blog About Breakups and Being Single

It happened a week ago... the breakup.
For days I have been wallowing in self-pity. Finding it the hardest thing in the world to get up out of bed. I could barely see through my tears every time I did manage to lace up my trainers and go for a run. Sweat it out. Try to get those endorphins flowing.
Pouring glass after glass of wine to numb the pain inside, but it hurts. So much. I have no idea what I'm doing.
The truth is, I've given up EVERYTHING for men my entire life.... while still somehow managing to be the most selfish, insecure person you could ever come across. I don't even know how that works!! What I do know is, I need to do some serious work on myself now. Learn to love myself, enjoy my own company. Become independent... and stop this crazy obsession I have with love.

So for what feels like the very first time, I've started to make plans where I don't have to consider someone else or put them first. That first step wasn't easy. Hell no. Cracking open my laptop and putting my CV out there again was scary... because it feels like the start of a very new, uncertain chapter that I don't know if I want. I want to be here, in Knysna, with him. But to put it bluntly, I stuffed that up royally. I don't get that now. I get to be alone and grow the fuck up. I should thank him for this really... it's going to be the most challenging thing I've ever done but I guess it needs to be.
I'm not applying for jobs in Knysna anymore. Some people can make it work here. Some people want to make it work here. But for me... I have nothing here really. I barely see my family, who are toxic as it is. I have no car, literally enough money in my bank account to afford one meal IF that.
I'm staying in a tiny flat of my own for about a week now. I moved in yesterday. I have no idea what I'll do or where I'll go after this seven day stint in my own place. All I know is I couldn't stay at home. My mother went to rehab a few months back and now she's back home and causing as much pain and destruction to everyone she possibly can... so I can't stay in that house. Not while I'm going through this amount of turmoil and agony. It's impossible to grow and process everything that's happening with that going on.
So this little flat is my safe haven for now. It's quiet, safe, on the water... and the best part is, it's free. I was able to strike up a deal with a lady who needs someone to walk her dog for her and in return, I get free board.
In this week I should find out if I get one of the jobs overseas I've applied for. There's two very likely positions which although is hard graft, will pay enough per month to really get me back on my feet. Not these ridiculous Knysna salaries. If I stayed here, chances of me being able to get my own place, a car and afford groceries would be frankly impossible. Starting from scratch isn't a realistic thing in a place like Knysna when you literally have nothing and have no one to rely on. And that's the thing... I don't want to rely on anyone anymore... because when they are gone, like now, I'm left completely on my ass.
The thing is, I would have stayed in Knysna and happily pursued a job here if my ex and I were together because we'd be a team. I wouldn't have the full blown financial strain purely on myself. We'd share costs. Take turns to buy groceries. Things would be easier as a team... but I don't have that option now and with not being able to live back home with my family I see no other choice.
The one job I think will possibly offer me a contract this week would send me to the Seychelles... the other would jet me off back to Spain.
I also made a profile on an Au Pair website and have been looking into options in the UK too. So far I have one family interested in me but it's a single dad and his two sons. It would be a live in position and pays peanuts compared to what the boats would pay. I don't think I could ever be comfortable living in a house with a single dad, raising his sons. But these are the options available to me.
I have to try. I have to keep wiping the tears away.
Every time I apply for something I burst into tears and a deep guttural sound emerges from my throat. It hurts more than I thought humanly possible.
I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. I really don't. I WANT to stay here and make it work with my ex, prove to him that I have changed and grown from this experience. It's been a huge eye-opener and has made me see why my relationships have never worked. It has made me see what needs to change. But what do I do?? Stay in the hopes that he will finally one day miss me enough and want me back? Or leave.... where I'd be tied to a minimum of a ten month contract (which is longer than we've even been together!). I don't see how that would work in the favor of our relationship.
I am so lost. So so so hopelessly lost.
And he's done some cruel things, too. He's deleted every photo he ever posted of us or of me. Like I never existed. Never mattered. The sting that caused was brutal. He's posting photos all the time living his best life, having fun with friends, off on his bikes and flying high in the sky and diving into the water off of his boat. He seems happy. Happy without me. I know he's struggling so much too and going through his own world of hurt but seeing how he's OK without me, that he doesn't need me.... hurts. I know I shouldn't look... but he knows I'm seeing it all. Seeing these selfies he's posting where he looks nothing short of breathtaking. He's shockingly blue eyes staring into the camera lens, melting me.
I miss him so much. I miss the fun, adrenaline filled, adventurous days we'd have together. I miss the good times.

I have messages I've written to him saved on my phone... unsure if I'll ever actually send them. I read them over and over again. Letting the words sink in. Reminding myself every day what I've done wrong to deserve where I am right now... and knowing that I will never, ever do those things again. I can't! The insecurity, the temper and the controlling issues have messed my entire life up. I have to let go. I have to believe the tattoo that I have on my thigh that says, 'she is at a place in her life where peace is her priority and negativity cannot exist.' I cannot be a negative person anymore. I have to grow up and change. I have. I feel the shift. I feel the weight off my shoulders that has pulled me down since childhood. I've always had that needy obsession with needing to be loved because I never felt that as a kid. I've always needed other peoples acceptance. That's NOT how I want to live my life anymore. I want to be enough. For myself. In fact, I am enough... I'm learning that now.

I don't want to be the person that begs for people back... but I also don't want to play games. That is why this is so very hard to figure out because if I stay, it will be because I'm hoping we'll be OK. And I'd be happy to get a job here and have the life here and I wouldn't resent him for it.... but if I leave, I'd be doing jobs I know I won't be happy in but financially it would get me back on my feet and give me complete independence that I know I can't get here. I don't know what to do. I really don't. I love him deeply. I feel like he is my person. So then surely he must know how difficult this is for me. Knowing that if I stay, I have no way of affording a place and I can't stay with family so the predicament is HUGE. If I stay, I have no means of transport. It would be a month until I get my first salary which I know would be enough to afford a months worth of groceries but not enough to start saving up for a car and deposits for a flat of my own. If I stay, I have nothing. If I go, living costs overseas would be barely anything because I'd be working and living on a boat for ten months straight. There would be no rent due, no food costs and no need for a vehicle. It sounds like the option I need to go for because I could save up an incredible amount of money to really get back on my feet... but I'd lose the hope of us being OK and together again. And that would break my heart more than it already is...

So I've written this here because I know no one reads this crap I write anyway. This blog has been my venting place for years. Maybe people going through something similar to me stumble across this page while they are struggling. Maybe they can relate. Maybe I even help them somehow.... and maybe by writing it down I'm somehow helping myself.

It's 7am now. I have no idea what the day will bring... but I guess first and foremost, I need to leave the bedsheets, wash out my coffee cup and go for a run.