Explaining Kickstarter and Patreon

I find it incredible how judgemental people can be. 

A few days ago I started a page on a well-known incentive based sponsorship platform. The site helps creative people fund their projects - in my case, people would be donating as little as $1 to my new writing project. That $1 shows support and belief in what you do - it's so motivational knowing there are people out there who care about your work and are willing to help you send your project into production. It's also a great platform to gauge how much interest there is into your work because once the work is done you need to start making sales. That said, some wonderful unknown person purchased a paperback copy of my novel yesterday and I couldn't be more grateful. Literally, every tiny bit helps!!!

There's a lot of work that goes into writing a novel. 

Hours a day spent hunched over your keyboard to bring a story together that one day people will be holding in their hands. I don't get paid for those hours work - and no I am not usually one to care about money all that much if it means I'm doing something I love! Writing has always been a huge passion of mine and I get satisfaction from just seeing my book with my name on the front cover, bound and ready to be devoured. 

However - circumstances have changed for me lately and while I'm working my arse off to find a job, helping out at the family business and trying to sell my wedding dress which I put up onto Gumtree yesterday:

Gorgeous Wedding Dress For Sale

I am trying the best that I can but there's  no denying that a bit of crowdfunding for my new writing project would be a huge help to me right now. But even though I put myself out there - people now think I am 'begging.' I'm getting ridiculed, laughed at and judged. 

I think people don't seem to realise this is the 21st century. Take for instance another funding platform - Patreon. 

Almost every single podcaster I know has Patreon. I wasn't judged for that when I created it (in fact I accumulated almost $200 in pledges!?) so I'm struggling to understand how and why Kickstarter is any different. 

It's not like people donate money for nothing. Both Kickstarter and Patreon are incentive based - meaning depending on the amount you contribute towards a persons project, you get something in return. 

Here's my profiles - there's nothing 'beggy' about them and I'm so tired of people's lack of understanding.

KICKSTARTER

PATREON

Anyway... that was my little rant... because I'm deflated today. It's another hard day where accepting M and I are over is ripping my heart out. All night last night I couldn't get to sleep, my mind was so full of memories of us camping and loving each other... exploring different parts of Canada, South Africa, Australia and Madagascar. 

My brain was also in overdrive trying to figure out how to acquire Bumble, that sexy little yellow car I have fallen in love with but cannot afford. 

My head was full of the realisation that by the end of this month I'm going to be camping on a mattress in a half torn down cottage that is missing walls so it's going to be freezing cold but hey, at least there's a bathroom and a stove so I'm just going to need to bundle up like an eskimo and get on with it. I can't stay in my folks house anymore. I'm going mad and am probably getting lung cancer because everyone smokes inside with the windows closed. I wake up coughing and hardly breathe. I can't get to sleep at night because the snoring rattles through the entire house like a fucking monster. 

And I just can't keep seeing my family live this way... passing out drunk every single night listening to a television so loud that people three houses down can probably hear it. 

Moving back to South Africa has made me more depressed than ever before - but I'm holding onto that last shred of hope I have and I'm trying to figure my life out. The sooner the better. 

Today I'm going into the work office - which is an ice box but I'm just thrilled to get out of this smokey hell hole and I'm getting trained in Quickbooks so I can get the business back up to date with invoicing etc. I'm just so excited to work and get out of the house. I just wish I had a car so I could just drive - get out more. I hitch-hiked the other day just to get away. I'm aware that's not smart but I'm at a complete loss for what else to do anymore. My life has gone to shit and my depression and heartbreak is actually starting to kill me. I feel so trapped. ANY form of independence I once had is gone. I truly don't think I deserved this to happen to me - at 28 years old when I was about to have everything I'd ever wanted.... a beautiful life with an incredible man, getting married and living happily ever after. I lost it. I lost everything and there's tears falling onto the keyboard as I type that out because I don't KNOW how to start again. I don't KNOW how to let go. I'm trying. I'm trying so hard that I'm truly exhausted. But I miss M. I miss us. I miss my old life. I know I fucked it all up and I couldn't be more sorry for that. The miscarriages and hormone imbalances took it's toll on me and I wish I'd fixed that sooner before it was too late. Because now I am getting healthy. I'm exercising and laughing and working on myself but it is truly impossible to not be completely depressed when you've lost everything you cared about in life. 

I wish someone would throw me a lifeline. I'm doing my best to get my mother sorted with one. No one seems to realise how much I try and do for everyone else. Even just that acknowledgement would be nice. A thank you. Anything. 

Bumble Bee Sunflower

Ah man - it's the 2nd of July. 

I had wanted to dedicate July to fitness and health (accumulating KMs on my neglected Strava app) and work myself up to being able to run 21ks and get myself a pretty shiny medal like my sister-in-law has.... (I like pretty shiny things ha!)... 

But alas I am still spluttering, coughing, sneezing and sniffing from the blasted flu. 

A painful amount of money spent on anti-biotics all for nothing. Gah! 

I'm trying to be as proactive as I can be though... I say while zipped up in my onesie in bed at 8am... ahem......  

I've been up since 3am applying for every job I can find that sounds bearable... in the meantime I'm helping out at the family business which is in dire need of some TLC. It doesn't pay much but I get to sit in an office and that alone is a step up from where I've been the past few weeks.

I'm also trying to figure out a way to get this car I fell in love with yesterday.

I've already named her... yip.. it's that bad. 

Her name is Bumble and I'm sold.... sadly she's not due to lack of funds... BUT I'M WORKING ON IT!!! 

I figured if I can hop onto a cruise ship or a yacht just for a few months and earn some euros I'll be able to pay back a loan for a car and have extra left over to play with and figure out the rest of my Godforsaken life. 

So that's the plan... now just to have some wonderful person hire me. 

Tick tock.

I'll also need to save up for some roof racks as I don't like my chances of squeezing one of my surfboards in Bumble... but I think she suits me SO MUCH. She's bright, tiny and a bit rickety just like me.  

In the meantime, Camp Nanowrimo started yesterday and I have started writing my 2nd thriller novel which possibly has the best name imaginable: The Book With No Name. 

A lovely and very generous friend of mine is currently helping me design a cover for it which is very exciting. There's something about having a cover made that gives me the motivation to crack on with writing. 

This is just a brief mock-up... there's a few more ideas floating around and of course font etc will all be changed but I'm liking the direction the covers going! 

I ADORE that feeling of holding the first draft of a book I've written. 

Right now I'm only a few chapters in but I'm really happy with my idea and eager to carry on creating! 

What else is there to say? 

The keto diet is SUCH a flop in South Africa. SO MUCH STARCHY FOOD HERE. It's impossible... I try to eat keto but I'm really not succeeding. At all.

I'm starving. Intermittent fasting is going well for the most part - except when I find Cinnamon Bun Cappuccino's which I HAVE TO HAVE IMMEDIATELY. That cocks up my 16 hour fast... but sometimes I like more than a black coffee OK! Not sure where my weight stands at the moment. Last I checked it was 52kg. I'm still working on toning back up again and flattening my stomach... so I've decided to start this 30 day plank and squat challenge. I tried day 1 just before I got sick and then I pretty much died. I will start over again today now that the worst of my flu has buggered off. 

Think I'm going to take my dog for a walk now... don't quite think I'm 100% up to running just yet! I can't even walk up a flight of stairs without huffing and puffing. This flu has seriously knocked me around! 

I'll update soon about jobs, cars, books and anything else I fancy sharing with you at that particular time... not that anyone actually cares.. but HEY.

Tough Love

Right now, life is hard.

For the first few weeks that I was back I was able to bring a lightness and humor to this blog because I suppose I was still in denial. I was so sure that somehow, things would get fixed.

But it's been almost a month now and I've had to start moving forward.

I've been applying for Canadian working holiday visas and scouring the internet for jobs scrubbing people's shit out of toilets on the yachts again. I went on a date and kissed someone else which all blew up in the same old small town Knysna drama I can't stand. I started finally checking things off of my To Do list... picking up my drivers license, getting a South African sim card, sorting out the bank and looking for a new car which I can't afford.

I also decided to finally take a stand against my alcoholic mother. I'm done with her looking at me and spitting out the words, 'Why are you here? Can't you just go and die?! No wonder Mark doesn't want you. Fuck off," amongst other things. I reached out to people I knew would help. She's getting sectioned next week if all goes according to plan... although I've seriously started realising how full of empty promises people (especially family members,) are. I am a blunt and honest person - this is a blog about the gritty realness of the world so if you can't handle that then please stop reading and causing more drama.

I called the police while she was out driving the other day - sadly they didn't catch her but I've reached breaking point. She's a danger to herself and to others. She could kill someone - and that is disgusting. So I have done what I need to do because no one else was doing anything.

I've always been the tough one in my family. I'm the one who has to be strong and tell it as it is. I speak the truth while everyone else is living a lie. No, I'm not perfect... far from it. I'm as fucked up if not more than anyone - but I'm the only person that will actually admit that. And I'm the only person who is willing to change.

I'm also the only person willing to truly HELP. It's called tough love.

Yeah, I hate who my mother has become and I am so full of anger and resentment - but me getting her put into a mental institute and eventually rehab is me showing what little love I do have left for her. She won't see it that way - maybe she never will. But this is literally my last attempt. I've reached breaking point.

Right now I'm at a place where I should be home under my families wings and recovering from a horrible breakup, a miscarriage and trying to find my feet again.... instead, I am more emotionally distraught now than ever before. The stress levels have sky-rocketed. I burst into tears in the middle of town and sometimes I can't bring myself to eat. I've lost 6kg and I'm not OK.

I don't know what the hell to do with my life or where the hell to go. M decided to leave me penniless even though I worked in Aus for 2 years I have nothing to show for it - yet he's kept all the furniture and flat and everything I was helping pay for while my salary - which was FAR smaller than his but I tried my BEST to contribute when I could. I just can't believe how shit life is right now.... that my only option is to have to go back onto the yachts, an industry I hated, just so I can have some financial stability again.

I've decided I'm going to write down everything I've been holding onto on a piece of paper, fold it up and toss it into a fire. Release it.

I need to let go of M. I need to let go of the fact that we are not getting married next year and that the 2 miscarriages I suffered through without him were probably for the best. I need to get over the fact that he's no longer there and no longer cares.

I also know I need to let go of my hatred, anger and resentment I have for my family - my life... I know I look so happy on the outside. I smile, see friends, laugh and joke. But behind closed doors and sometimes in the center of town I am a mess.

I WISH I hadn't given everything I had to my name to my past relationship... because now I'm at a place in my life where I have nothing. That's not even an exaggeration. I AM penniless. I AM homeless... I have to stay in the hell hole that is my parents house and be abused verbally by the woman who carried me for 9 months. I have no where else to go right now, no way to get somewhere if I did have anywhere to go.

I wish I had been smarter and kept a backup plan... I wish I hadn't decided to spend my last bit of life savings on a holiday to Madagascar that now I can't even look at the photographs of without crying.

I wish I had a different life. A different mother. A different everything.

Life is hard. And I am struggling.

I wish I knew what to do.

I just need a hand. I feel like I'm trying my best to help others as much as I can but that doesn't get acknowledged. I feel like I have this huge heart that just gets taken for granted and abused. I feel like I don't deserve where I am in life right now and sometimes it really does seem easier to fade away than carry on struggling through... but that's why I write this... because one day I KNOW I will be okay again and I'll be able to look back and remember what a dark place I was in and I'll be able to help others find a way out to the other side. Until then, I'm just wading through the black abyss.

The Basic Steps to Healing...

I always thought when I finally felt up to investing my time into looking for work on the yachts again it would be the day I knew I would be OK. I'll survive. Oh how wrong I was.

I'm as sick as can be right now having just spent a jaw-dropping amount of money I don't have on medicine and have been in bed all day scouring the internet for jobs. Even trying to take a sip of water feels like knives going down my throat.... (WISHING I had someone to bring me chicken soup, stroke my hair and make me feel better but alas this is a time of loneliness for me.)

I guess for the most part job hunting has been going well... 

I've already been offered a job willing to fly me to Tunisia later this week but I turned it down because my gut feeling (which I'm going to start bloody listening to from now on!!) wasn't a happy camper. 

However, even with a seemingly good response after putting a few hours work into applying for various jobs floating around the med - I have tears in my eyes. 

That saying, 'New Beginnings Are Often Disguised As Painful Endings,' is so true. 

If you aren't interested in the raw, unfiltered rambles from a heartbroken mind then move along now - but some lovely people have actually reached out and commended me for how open and honest I am with what I'm going through. 

I'm not doing it for attention. 

Not at all.

I'm doing it because if someone stumbles across my blog in the future who is going through something similar I hope she or he will be able to realise that they aren't alone. 

If I am able to help just one other person in this world by sharing my experiences then that's enough for me. 

I know what I'm going through is MINUTE compared to what others go through in life and I know I'm lucky in many ways... but this is my story and I know there are people out there somewhere going through something similar.  

I wish I could stop feeling so devastated but how can I when it feels like the last two years of my life was a complete lie?? 

To have the man you thought was your soul-mate tell you that you never made him happy is like running over me with a train. 

I can't get those words out of my head. The last words he ever said to me. I wish he could take it back. I wish he could tell me what he said wasn't true.
Never say something so hurtful to someone who loves you because you never know if they'll be the last words you ever speak to them.

People are telling me that people say hurtful things during breakups and that they don't mean them - that those words are a way to make you move on... but truly I'd be able to move on easier if I had closure that I didn't just make him miserable for two straight years. 

I know I wasn't great. 

But I thought we had some incredible, fun and happy moments. 

I know I was the happiest I had ever been yet also the most depressed at the same time because the truth is that I never could adjust to life in a new country.

I'd done it once before in Mallorca and I could never get over how triggering it was for me to be in such a similar situation again. 

I moved to a country for a guy I met on Tinder again. Had given up my entire life to be there. 

The only difference was that in Mallorca I trusted TOO much. I was SO carefree and happy and bubbly. I was always off bouncing around with new friends and having the time of my life but in Australia I was so Goddamned cautious because of how hurt I was in Mallorca that I never ALLOWED myself to fully let go and embrace it. 

I wish I had now.... I wish S hadn't hurt me so badly all those years ago that even to this day it still affects me.... but things didn't work out that way. 

I can't change that... but I can change the future. 

I am never going to give up my independence ever again or sacrifice what little I do have in life for someone else. I've done it so many times now only to regret it... because in the end I end up with nothing.

I know I stuffed up a lot with M and made things unbearable and took things out on him that I shouldn't have. But I also know I made him laugh and smile and I really didn't think he could ever say something like, 'I never got happiness from you.' 

Those words have destroyed me. 

I never meant to make him unhappy.

I am a good person with a huge heart....  a part of me wishes he had met me before Mallorca when I wasn't broken. Things would have been so different then. I feel back then I would have been exactly the girl for him - and he was able to see small snippets of that girl in me somewhere.. but it just wasn't enough.

Finding a way to heal after what I went through in Spain and now Australia is proving to be the most challenging thing in life...
I'm still trying to navigate through freeing myself from a life tethered by insecurity BUT I've realised the basic steps are as follows:

1. Focus on myself for one.
Do things that make me happy like running (never thought I'd say that but I've truly started loving it!), hiking, cooking, surfing, writing, anything creative...
Be around people that make me a better person.

2. Don't jump into a new relationship.
This is now time for ME. I don't want a man to define my happiness. I want to be happy and love myself first. 

3. Build a life for myself not someone else.
I guess one of my main mistakes I've done OVER and OVER again is give up everything for everyone and focus so much on making someone else happy.
I want to finally create this cottage or a home in general and make it MY safe haven.
I want to get that beautiful border collie I've always dreamt about one day and have her be MINE not OURS.
I want my independence back. Not have to answer to anyone. To be a recluse if I want to be and be outgoing when I feel that need to be around others. I want to cook what I want without having to always ask what someone else wants. I want to put my needs and wants first for once. 

4. Create my own friendships. In a tiny town like Knysna this is hard. Especially as the majority of my friends have left for overseas OR have already settled down with kids and partners... but I just want to focus on my own friendships. In the past I always slotted in with my partners friendship group and when it inevitably ended I had no one there for me. I need to put myself out there and find new friends in Knysna that enjoy the same things as me - and reach out to my old friends who are overseas but will come here on holiday and make time to see me.

5. Meditate. Stretch. Exercise. Drink Less. 
My life has always been so busy bending over backwards for someone else or just being too exhausted or sad to do anything else other than switch on Netflix and pour a glass of wine at night. 

It's been a BEAUTIFUL feeling to take the time out of my day to run 5ks with my dog, meditate while soaking in the bath, allowing myself the time to stretch and love my body the way I always should have but never did. 

In one way I am feeling so good - it's just the actual heartache from losing my best friend that is still crushing me. I know people say the heartbreak will end.... and maybe it will. But I'd never been more sure about someone in my life. I still struggle to accept it's really over forever - but it has to be. The things he has said and done - the way he just kicked me out of the country and made his friends tell me he doesn't love me anymore.. the black and white text reading I never made him happy as the last message he ever sent me... it's the cold hard truth that it's done and some days I get that... but others I don't. 

I went on a 'date' the other night after this guy we'll call A sent me a glass of wine when I was sitting at a pub with my brother. It was nice. And M is no longer the last person I've kissed, which felt incredibly weird. But I am so petrified all guys want me for is sex and regardless I'm just not ready for that yet. I know I need to move on eventually and potentially the best way to get over M is to get under someone else - but I'm so confused. I don't want to be just used for sex yet at the same time I'm not ready to dive back into something serious. 

I want to take things SLOW for once and find someone that ticks all my boxes. 

6. Make a list of the things you need from a partner and don't settle for any less.

Because of what I've been through, there are certain things I need out of a relationship that may sounds completely pathetic to most people but they are things I know will make me happy.

I want someone who opens the car door for me, understand my passions for books, bookstagram, booktube, writing etc.. someone who will support those passions. Take an interest in them. Join me in them. I want someone willing to make a goofball out of himself and laugh at himself and not give a shit about what his mates think of him. I want someone not scared to put me on his social media - who wants to show me off and shout me out for being amazing. I want someone romantic. Someone who will surprise and spoil me... someone who will be walking past a flower store and think of me and get me a flower just because. Not that I actually like flowers... I'm more of a plant person. Don't give me something that's just going to die haha. My new found favorite plant I can't get enough of is Golden Pothos! 

I saw this thing a while back where this girl got home and found a dress laid out on her bed with a pair of earrings and some shoes and a note that told her where to be at a certain time. Those things make me melt. I am a hopeless romantic and I literally can't help it. 

I want someone who won't fart in front of me. Someone who loves cooking and likes cooking with a partner. I want someone who isn't stubborn because I'm stubborn enough for the both of us.

I want someone who likes to read and drink wine, learn new things, travel, laugh, experiment and live life to the fullest... but I also want someone who like me, is happy to not be on the go 24/7. I love cozy days at home! 
I need someone faithful. Trustworthy. 

These are things I've always craved in relationships but never got and I always ended up disappointed. I don't want to settle anymore.

I don't want these things NOW... but when I'm ready, these are some of the things I need. 

There's probably more basic steps to healing but I can't be bothered to write anymore. My fever is high and I fear I'm going to wind up in hospital having my tonsils removed at this rate so I'm off to rest. 

Sorry this wasn't as humorous as most of my recent posts. I've been having a weird, emotional day and just needed to let it out.

Freeing Myself from a Life Tethered by Insecurity

This morning I've woken up and noticed that the heartache has finally started to ease. 

The pangs of pain and realisation that I've lost my best friend and lover have dissipated.

My smile is no longer fake. 

My laughter doesn't seem forced.

I can get out of bed and change out of my pajama's without it seeming to be the hardest thing to do in the world. 

I can concentrate on books and taste the flavors in food again.

I can enjoy the feeling of the sand beneath my toes and my hands on the steering wheel of the car.

I can lace up my running shoes and have a good sweat out... and those endorphins don't disappear the moment I set foot back in doors.

 

It no longer hurts me when I see my ex partners friends remove me from their friends lists...

They never cared about my friendship to begin with.

I've accepted I was only ever tolerated.

So I don't give a crap about not having them there to judge me anymore.

Perhaps they don't realise just how shitty they actually are. 

I owned up to all of my past mistakes and tried to right my wrongs...

but alas I was never enough for them.. 

and I've learned that if people truly don't think you're good enough for them and just in general don't like you then good fucking riddance to them.

I'm at a place in my life where if I'm not the kind of person you want me to be then that's your problem.

I'm growing into the person I was always meant to be. 

It's not been easy and I've been through hell to get here.

My anxiety and depression are things I've always been ashamed of but now I'm learning to love myself properly for the very first time... to pat myself on the back for working harder than ever on my flaws. 

I know I'll never be perfect but I have certain issues that need addressing. 

I have huge trust-issues and can get jealous at the smallest of things... but my sister-in-law and I had a big heart to heart recently and she made me understand that the only person I'm hurting by being jealous is myself. 

If a person if going to cheat on you they are going to cheat on you. There's nothing you can do to stop that. 

I've been living my life so cautiously over the past few years since S cheated on me with so many women... I never had the real time alone to deal with what happened so that I could heal and not let jealousy eat away like a cancer in future relationships. 

I don't want to be the kind of girl I have been... the kind who is so insecure and measures herself up to every other woman in the world. I pick myself apart and steal the joy from my life by comparing myself to others. 

I become so Goddamned paranoid by who my (ex) partners are texting or who they are talking to in a bar if I'm not there.... 

but I've FINALLY realised that if they want to cheat on me nothing I can do will stop them but what will MAKE them be more likely to cheat is me literally having them on such a tight leash that they never have a life of their own. 

I've finally learned that I need to let my insecurities go and it's the most freeing feeling in the world because the only thing I'm doing by being jealous and insecure and comparing myself to everyone else is ruining any chance I actually have of a peaceful, happy life. 

I've been tethered to a life of  self-doubt so far too long. I'm finally breaking free.

I don't know where the hell this road will take me now that my leash is gone.

I don't know where I want it to take me besides to that peaceful, happy life I and EVERYONE (even those aforementioned idiots...) deserve.

My life has become one big, 'I DON'T KNOW...' and I kind of like it.