What the Fuckery

I went for a run yesterday morning to start the day and was in the middle of doing some stretches afterwards when my dad walked passed me, stopped abruptly and asked me what on earth I was doing...

I must have been doing it wrong because he asked me to please try not to break the cupboard..... which is marble so pretty much impossible for me to damage. 

I do feel rather insulted by his request...

Then Kerry stumbled out for the first time in days clutching a cigarette in her shaking fingers and called my father 'Whiskey-Face....' 

Clearly trying to make herself feel better after being unconscious for the last 72 hours from what I suspect was alcohol poisoning.

I went out and had wine and ultra cheesy nachos with a friend I've always called G-Spot... not that he would know where my g-spot is because I've never found it myself. Oh - and we've never done the... you know... deed.
He very helpfully figured out exactly what's wrong with me (if you believe in horoscopes and all that jazz).
He told me I'm both a Bull (Taurus. May. VERY stubborn.) And a Goat  (Chinese astrology what-the-fuckery).
In layman's terms.... I'm two incredibly stubborn earth signs rolled into one mighty mess. Thanks mum and dad for conceiving me during the WORST possible time. I'm all your fault. Literally.

Google told me that my best Chinese horoscope matches are Rabbits, Horses or Pigs.
So basically I could either be with someone who fucks like a rabbit, is hung like a horse or lives like a pig.
I swear life just keeps getting better for me.
I also strongly believe I've been with all 3 of these types of people before.

Google also told me Goats eat and urinate most frequently.
At least it got something right.

We're also currently in 2019 (just in case you didn't know).
The year of the pig.
This explains EVERYTHING.

Maybe I do believe in this whole horoscope thing...

In other news... I did not get the job heading to the black sea next week which is depressing as I'd really thought the interview had gone well. 

I'm going to google my horoscope and figure out my life... hold on.

Fuck.

On March 7th Uranus entered my sign FOR THE NEXT 7 YEARS.

I don't know what that means but it sounds bad.

I swear you couldn't make this stuff up.

I went on a daily horoscope thingy and it said:

'Today will suit you but don't expect miracles. Now is a time for healing (accurate). In the weeks ahead you will restore harmony to your energies and regain your fitness with improved diet and lifestyle (I am incredibly stiff from running....). Your emotional life gets an overhaul as well, as you find the courage to confront certain unsettling issues. 

Right....

You know how people say you can never believe horoscopes because the people who write them find a way to relate it to absolutely everyone?? Well - I for one think this was FREAKISHLY accurate.

It scared me a little. 

Oh goodie there's a page about what tomorrow has in store for me. Lets have a look-see.

Crap.

You may not know which way to turn, Taurus. You may be emotionally weighed down by sentimental feelings and memories that bind you to the past. You may also feel restricted by authority figures who've been around the block more times than you, and therefore feel they have the right to tell you how to run your life. Try not to let your thoughts get tied up in either of these scenarios.

So FYI people.. tomorrow will be a bad day for me. I'll probably be in a snot-filled breakdown crying into the Carlton footie jumper I got from my ex. 

Yeah.... if you need me tomorrow that's where I'll be. 

HOWEVER... it rates your general moods out of 5 stars and today I only got a 2 star rating for sex and it shoots up to 4 stars tomorrow.... so this is promising. 

It also gives you cards of the day.. kind of like tarot I guess and tomorrows card is The Hanged Man..... brilliant. 

It means: An unsettling mysterious card (no shit...). By letting go and giving up, as painful as it may be, this symbolism suggests that we can overcome restrictions, find what we have been looking for, and ultimately become free, self-determined beings.

Excuse me for a minute while I go and bookmark this horoscope page.......

Oh yes.

I've been running just under 5ks this week while listening to Bridget Jones Diary - The Edge of Reason. 

I think I enjoy these books so much because there's finally a person more marvelously fucked up than I am.

Except Bridget's fictional.

Coming to Terms with Things... and a Potential Happy Death!

Ventured out of the comforts of my bed yesterday to buy ingredients to make pasta as I'd seen some FABULOUS person on instagram who has the name 'Less Upsetti More Spaghetti.' 

I instantly had an intense craving for bolognese.

Dad and I stopped at the bowling club on the way to the store so he could fix some complicated looking electrical whatsitt  so I sat in the corner and continued to read Furiously Happy by Jenny Lawson.

There are TWO reasons I burst into floods of tears at the bowling club.  

1. M and I had been there just the other day getting bowling lessons from my dad and the memories came back to me like a punch in the gut.

2. There's an entire chapter in Furiously Happy about Jenny's trip to Australia. NOT the right time, Jenny. Not the right time at all. 

I'd been avoiding picking up another book called Six Minutes by Petronella McGovern as it's set in Canberra and I just can't handle anything to do with Australia right now. I mean, even when looking for a jigsaw puzzle to keep my mind busy the cheapest one I could find was of Sydney.... REALLY!? Thank you life.

Once more during my breakdown cuddled into my fathers shoulder (yes I am aware I am far too old to do that but I'm in a very fragile state...) I had some revelations.

I realised the closest I will ever come to a Koala is fingering ones arse at Steve Irwin's zoo.

I'll never see the Great Barrier Reef, surf in Byron Bay or live happily ever after with M.

I am coming to terms with that now... coming to terms with everything I've lost and everything I'll never have. 

I was up until 4am this morning scouring the internet for jobs on yachts and ski resorts. 

I have the qualifications needed and considering I'm penniless this would be a good way to get back on my feet relatively quickly.

The yachts made me miserable in the past but I was held back by an ex boyfriend who wouldn't let me travel so I was stuck on shitty day cruise boats filled with prostitutes and drugs... so I'd only accept a job offer on a yacht if it is in a healthier environment. 

I've always wanted to work a ski season. Snow and winter are some of my favorite things.. and if I had the chance to base myself in Banff or Jasper I'd be thrilled. 

Right now I am eagerly awaiting a video call interview for a possible job leaving for The Black Sea NEXT WEEK. 

Seriously did NOT think this would be where life was taking me but there you go.

All I know right now is that I cannot and will not continue to live at home watching my mother deteriorate daily. At this current moment in time at 12pm she is face-planted in bed in clothes she hasn't changed out of since Friday last week and has a bottle of vodka swirling around her liver. She's unconscious, again. 

I can't live in an environment like that ever but especially not right now when I am heartbroken and in a dark place of my own. It brings me down immensely. The fabulous thing about this yacht job is that it's 2 months with not one day off so no drinking at all and a crew gym to workout and focus on health and happiness. Yes PUH-LEASE.

If however I don't land this gig on the yacht it would appear I have timed my return to Knysna well considering the Knysna Oyster Festival is coming up. 

I'm thinking I can just drown myself in a mountain of freshly shucked oysters.

That would be a happy death.

Playing the Victim

You never really know what's going to happen after a breakup. 

It's different for everyone... for me, it seems particularly brutal in that all of the aforementioned girls who never accepted me deleted me from Facebook (one of them, the one I'd considered myself closest with actually BLOCKED me and I hadn't said or done anything....). 

They THEN told M that I had deleted them which is bizarre.

I actually can't believe the cheek of it. 

This slap in the face has turned into a full on punch that has seriously baffled me. 

I just can't believe it. 

What the actual fuck?

I'm trying my very best to move forward... after a seriously rough morning with my 'mother' being her usual alcoholic self I took myself out for a run. 

And you know what?? 

I felt better for a while. 

I got home, did some stretches, ran a hot bath, meditated.... 

But then my eyes once again filled with tears and I broke. 

I was supposed to start renovating the cottage with my dad today but I should have known it wouldn't happen. 

My family are the most unmotivated people I know. 

I'm stuck in my own head... 

I keep wondering why I'm not good enough. Why people are so nasty to me. 

I know this sounds like I'm playing the victim.... and I suppose I am but I do feel like the victim here. How can I not??? 

I was dumped, kicked out the country, left with nothing, literally penniless, have returned to the most vile and toxic environment you could possibly imagine... blocked and deleted by my exes friends. What did I ever do to them?? 

If there is one thing I have learned through this it's that I'm glad I'm not part of that shitty friendship circle anymore anyway. I was never good enough for them and was never given the chance to prove to them who I could really be... and now here I am completely devastated, broken, writing my feelings to no one because no one actually reads this shit but it's my only outlet these days. 

I don't want to talk to friends about it because I don't want to bring them down with my shit. 

And all they say is I'll be OK, take it one day at a time, I'm a fighter etc etc etc.... it's a load of bollucks. 

Life is a load of bollucks.

Yeah... can you tell I'm having a bad day???

Productivity and Alcoholism

Yesterday was a relatively productive day.

I got up around 4am - my body clocks usual time these days.. and got to work unpacking my suitcase. I guess I was still in denial and living out of a suitcase seemed easier than to unpack it... because that felt like closing a chapter I'm frankly still not ready to let go of.

But I did it.

I got boxes of my old clothes and random bits and bobs from the storage room and sifted through those... I found old clothes, jewellery, furniture, shoes etc.

It was kind of like going to a second-hand store after all these years.

I was delighted to find my leopard print onesie which is currently keeping me toasty in the 3 degree climate.

I found my Olympia E-PL7 camera which I'm going to start using this week and work on my photography skills.

I threw out a bunch of crap I seemingly hoarded ... except for all the stuff that remind me of M. The Face Your Fears jumper he bought me after he'd bungee jumped... the Carlton footie jumper he got me just 2 weeks ago for my birthday... my beanie from Canada... a Brisbane hoodie...

I folded them into a pile and packed them away in the back of my cupboard where I can't see them but I know they're still there.

I just can't let them go.

This is the most painful breakup I have ever gone through.

The ironic thing is that my promise ring from M broke the other day and I had it repaired but I can't bring myself to collect it because I can't look at it.

Basically... I'm completely lost.

To make matters worse, caught mum (who from here on in will be called Kerry because I no longer associate myself with her as my family) drinking gin at 5am this morning.... this is after she'd been unconscious yesterday afternoon when her grandchildren came over for a family BBQ.

Dad and I took the bottle from her and she called me a cunt and told me it's no wonder M doesn't want me anymore.... which is wonderful really.

Alcoholics are a disgraceful life form. Even though she's completely lost her mind, has let the booze destroy her brain and body - she still manages to a) say the MOST hurtful things humanly possible to those around her and b) somehow find hiding spots for booze you would never think of yourself such as in shampoo bottles and inside her telescope.

I am aware this is a very private topic to be spoken about so publicly but I honestly couldn't care less.

Rehab is voluntary and she doesn't think she has a problem (ha!). Regardless, rehab refuses to take her unless she goes to hospital first to detox. Which she won't do.

The only way forward is a mental institute and considering her brain has rotted away I think it's the best place for her.

The mother I once had who was my best friend and travel buddy is gone. The mum with bold red spiral curled hair and a passion for art and who was the most creative and loving person I knew is dead. She is dead. My mother doesn't exist anymore. She's been replaced with a balding, skin and bone blubbering mess who makes no sense and can't even walk.

I've tried everything. I've tried doing Sober October or various other alcohol free challenges. I've tried talking to her nicely and offering to support her in every way possible. I've tried pushing her out of my life completely. I've tried everything to no avail. There is nothing more I can do. I'm sorry but I give up.

Being back in this environment, in a home that until this morning was sickeningly filthy (I scrubbed the shit (literally) out of the place after the gin situation) and having to live with someone who calls me a bitch, a cunt and tell me it's no wonder the love of my life doesn't want me... it's beyond toxic. Yet I have no where else to go. I am penniless. I gave everything I had to give to M and it still wasn't enough to pay him back for everything he did for us... so even though I had a job until recently the salary I earned is M's because it's his, really.

I literally have nothing.

I hear all these stories about how people just bugger off, leaving everything they ever had behind and starting from scratch again but I don't know how.

How do you afford to go somewhere new? How do you afford to start up again when literally all you have is $18 AUS dollars in your bag that your father gave you so you could buy some lunch.... when I say I having nothing left I mean it. I realise some don't even have that $18 dollars and at least I have a roof over my head... I know I should be grateful but it's so hard to be when this is what I live with.

I'm embarrassed and ashamed of my life.

I don't want to be in South Africa but at the same time this is the first time I've had my dad, brother, sister-in-law and nephews close by for years. Being able to bond with my dad and have brother/sister time and watch my nephews grow up is something I haven't had until now... but how can I stay in an environment so toxic?

Dad and I are supposed to start renovating the cottage today. Smashing walls down seems like a delightful thing to do today given my current mental state.

I just don't know if I should renovate the cottage, move in there at the end of July, write a new book and just take a year to have all the things I haven't had in years.... even if it means living on the same property as the worst mother in the world. It would be lovely to have my cats and dedicate time to doing the things I'm passionate about: writing, reading, cooking, podcasting, youtubing etc.

It doesn't pay the bills but dads said he'd help me out for a year while I try and figure out what I want to do in life.... but then I'll be 29 and still penniless.... hopefully with a bestselling novel under my arm but still.

I've come to terms with the fact that I will never be rich. I'll never have an incredible job and be able to buy my own house. I'll never get married or have children. If I never have sex or a boyfriend again I'd be A-OK with that. I'm not saying that because I'm bitter... it's just a fact. I refuse to start over again with someone new. I don't want that.

I went back through my blog posts from before M and found a post promising myself I would never move country for a man ever again and look what I did.... I moved to Australia to be with M. I gave up a beautiful flat where I could go to sleep every night listening to the roaring waves, I gave up an incredible job at the best art gallery in South Africa, I sold all of the furniture I'd bought myself, spent my life savings and left all of my friends and family behind.

Now I'm back with nothing.

This is a level of pain I have never experienced before. I gave myself completely and even though I know I cocked things up with my insecurities and anxiety I still tried the best I possibly could.

I'm still trying today... but trying for what I have no idea. To keep breathing.... really.

It's now 6am and I'm waiting for the sun to come up so I can put on some workout clothes and go for a C25K run where the chance of being grabbed and murdered in a bush here in South Africa is drastically high. Yay.

I downloaded an app called My Affirmations and recorded myself saying things like, 'I am enough,' and 'I release all negativity and hold joy in my heart.' It plays with some relaxing music... so I listen to that a few times a day...

I also got the Dry Days by AlcoChallenge app which monitors how many days you go without drinking, counts the calories you would have had if you had been drinking and even tallies up how much money you've saved.... not that I have any money to save because I have no money.... but the calorie thing is pretty neat.

I downloaded the Zero app which is a guide to intermittent fasting which I've still been sticking to. I do the 16 hour fast and then eat within an 8 hour bracket.

The keto things is going to be hard to keep up with in South Africa because starchy foods is pretty much everyone's staple diet here. It's the only thing anyone can afford!

I also downloaded a To Do List to try and be productive... so like I mentioned yesterday was good... and today besides being crushingly insulted by KERRY (or should I just call her Demon??) I did clean the heck out of the filthiest kitchen I have ever been into (no exaggeration).

I'm going to buy a plant.... because I want to watch something bloom. It will be kind of like me blooming.... metaphorically.

I'm going to knock down some walls, level up tiles and paint the walls of the cottage... plot my next novel which currently has no premise, no title and no characters... great!

I'm going to shave my legs... because I kind of need to. Not that anyone will be touching them ever again but I'm starting to resemble an ape.

I'm going to get my nails done by a friend of mine who is qualified because I need some TLC...

I'm going to meditate daily, exercise, intermittent fast, stop drinking every day, see friends, cuddle my cat, take my dog for a walk on the beach, surf, stretch, record podcast episodes, film booktube videos and slowly but surely try and figure out what the hell I should do with my 28 year old arse that currently has a twitch in the left butt cheek. Even my arse is begging me to do some squats.

I'm also going to murder the rooster next door.

Ahem...

Embracing Me

36 hours and 4 flights later... I returned to South Africa one week ago today. 

I've really gone through the motions here.

I started out the travels with pig slit eyes that I feared would make me unrecognisable to my passport photo. I'll put it bluntly. I got dumped. 

Dumped. By the man I truly thought was the love of my life. The man I gave up everything more. Moved to Australia for. Spent my life savings on. At first I really believed we would be OK. I thought we'd take a bit of a break and both do some of our own personal healing and then I'd come back home to him... to our beautiful flat and start fresh. How stupid of me. 

A few days in and he'd cancelled my gym membership, packed all my shit into boxes ready to ship across the globe. I received an email basically saying I need to accept the fact that we are over. 

As brutal as it was - I can never be angry with him. I know I messed up. I pushed so hard for things we weren't ready for... marriage, kids, animals etc... I was struggling in Australia because I was finding it so hard to find meaningful friendships of my own and his friends never accepted me. They would never give me the chance to show them the real, happy, fun me... they only ever saw the me that has intense anxiety and insecurity issues. They never knew the true me and that hurts so much because I am such a good person with a huge heart.

I completely freaked out when M told me he wouldn't move forward with me unless we had his friends blessings..... and I knew I wouldn't get that. So the downward spiral began.... I tried reaching out to the girls and putting myself out there... but I was ignored at first then received pretty nasty responses from some of them basically saying I am just not their type of person... that they would be civil with me in a group but that their friendships with the other girls are separate. 

This gutted me... I didn't feel good enough. I didn't understand... I love the same kind of things as them. I love craft markets, coffee shops, creative activities, plants... I truly just felt I was never given the opportunity to show them that side of me. 

Living a life with social anxiety is awful... I get nervous, sweaty palmed, clam up and feel WEIRD around people I don't know.... it's so hard to live that way and it's something I am working on. I just don't get it - those who really know me KNOW how outgoing and fun I am... I am not anxious around them... nor am I anxious around people I meet myself... but it's something about feeling judged when it comes to my (ex) partners friends that gets in my head too much. I don't know why I can't just be myself. It feels so pressurizing and I feel like I'm just not good enough. In South Africa I have the big personality amongst my friends but when other big personalities come in it makes me crawl inside of myself like a turtle into its shell. Those that know me wouldn't recognise who I become when I am intimidated like that. I wish I could fix it... and I'm trying to. It's just hard and now the man I truly believed was my happily ever after has tossed me out.. given up on me.

Being back in South Africa is weird because I'm instantly just me again.... besides the emotional breakdowns at the most random of times. I cried within the first 10 seconds of Mary fekking Poppins. I burst into floods of tears in the middle of the grocery store when I was trying to find a new face wash and my dad wasn't quite sure how to handle it. He asked me what was wrong and I just sobbed, 'It's just not the same!' 

Frankly.... I have been a blubbering mess for 7 days. 

It completely mindfucks me that you can be the happiest you've ever been, thinking of the rest of your life with a person and just a few days later you have nothing and no one and are in the darkest place you've ever been. 

I've lost everything... I'd do anything to turn back the clock and just appreciate the happy moments again just one last time. 

So originally my plan was to come back home, NOT wallow in self-pity, transform my mindset into a positive one and HEAL so I could go back to Australia and make everything right. 

However... when it became apparent that I was not welcome back into the arms of my former lover or past border control in Australia I fell to pieces. 

Then.... I realised it's OK to be heartbroken and cry right now... but that this is now my time for ME. I need to heal and release a lot of pain from my past. I want to start living in the moment and have gratitude for the present moment instead of always focusing on the future. Truthfully, I was obsessed. I have always been a control-freak. A planner. I need to know where I'm going in life... so to be so lost right now has knocked me completely off-kilter but that's exactly what I need. 

I fresh perspective. I need to let go and stop trying to figure out the rest of my life. I need to start appreciating just the current hour I'm living in (6am).

So this is it... this is the start of my journey. 

Before I sign off - I wanted to share a funny story that has absolutely nothing to do with anything but it made me laugh and I want to start finding the humor in every moment now...

So I almost thought I'd won the jackpot for the easiest and most comfortable flights EVER on the way back to South Africa. I usually always get wedged in between obese, snoring, smelly people or hounded by a random American who I wake up to touching my leg beneath the blankets! But this time I had an entire row of seats to myself so I could sprawl out.. and the amazing aircrew doted on me hand and foot (potentially due to the fact that I looked like someone had just died....). 

Alas on the last stretch of the journey I was seated next to a giant African man who JUST as I'd dozed off whacked me on the arm and asked me if tornado's are snakes.

He. Asked. Me. If. Tornado's. Were. SNAKES. 

Yes you read that correctly.

He started telling me how in his village they get these black winds that destroy their homes and he told me those black winds are actually snakes and he wondered if tornado's were the same thing.... I mean... really????

Bleary eyed I tried to explain to him that tornados are a natural disaster formed by 2 different temperatures meeting or some crap because SOMEHOW I managed to retain that information from my sporadic school days... 

Apart from that I have been spending quality time with my brother, making podcast episodes and booktube videos which is something I always loved to do but I lost that passion in Australia because no one there really quite understood it. But I am back. I'm going to start doing what I love again. Even if other people think it's weird. 

It's not. It's me. I'm embracing that now.