How do you become a better person?

Today's entry is a slightly more personal one.

For a while now I've been at war with myself, trying to find the balance on being who I am, who I always will be and who I've always known I can be.

Sometimes I just don't feel like a good enough person - not in the depressing sense, but soul wise. I want to feel like I am doing more for this world. I want to help people and be a more gentle, considerate person; but how do you change how you've been programmed to be? How do you train your mind to think another way?

I wish I believed in myself and thought I was enough... but I think a part of me will always be in doubt. That doubtfulness is what makes me so vulnerable and takes away my chances of being good enough because I don't believe that I can be!

You know when you see someone smile and they have the most pure smile of complete happiness and serenity? That's what I want.

I know you should never compare your life to someone else's because you do not know their story. I know that - but I can't help but feel like I am not doing enough.

Its small things, like chatting to my family more, helping out around the house, going to church, connecting with God, being at peace, helping others... just to feel like another person could really trust me and come to me with their dilemma's. I want to be reliable and soft... instead I've built this wall around me that is so high and so unbreakable that I don't know how to get over it.

I've been reading Rumi, M. Scott. Peck, Eckhaart Tolle... for a while each book seems to enlighten me - but how do you get it to stay this way?

I asked someone I love dearly to give me their thoughts on my situation and they simply said that I'm at the stage in my life where I want to know life's meaning, my life meaning... I want to find my place.

I couldn't help but think that its like playing chess. You get put onto this big board I'd like to call the world, with blocks to step into on your own accord, all differently situated with dangers.

It just feels like one big game to me.

I'm playing a game of chess and I guess I'm still the Pawn cowering at the back while others are out braving the open, some getting removed from the game for making a bad move (seems a bit harsh), some removing others, some getting to the other side and some still nervously working their way across.

Anybody else ever feel this way?

If you feel this is all too personal to write publicly then inbox me: jadewright15051991@hotmail.com

Perhaps we can help one another.

My favorite quote that is soon to be tattooed under my quill on my ankle comes to mind: "Someday Your Ocean Will Find Its Shore."