Fifty Shades of Freed by E L James | Book Review

Thank fuck it's over. 

I can (un)proudly say that I have completed the Fifty Shades Trilogy - and as quickly as I snapped the last book shut, all three of them swiftly landed in the 'Throw Away,' pile.

Look - they aren't HORRENDOUS. I suppose the story-line is kind of intriguing and all that but I just can't get over the repetitive 'cocking his head to one side,', 'oh my's!' and 'Holy Fuck's!' the pages are filled with.

It takes a lot to piss me off - but this will do it.

Reading about the life of a nymphomaniac is not as interesting as it may seem.

For those of you who may have been living under a rock for the last while and need a little updating on the whole Fifty Shades thing... the basic story-line is this:
SPOILER ALERT!!
Ana Steele stumbles helplessly (as she does,) into Christian Grey's office when she tries to help her best friend out by interviewing him for an article. Christian Grey is loaded - in more ways than one.... and if you know anything about this book and you didn't smirk at that then you have absolutely no humor at all. Just saying.
Anyway - yes, the guys some big shot, multi-billionaire that loves to dominate women. He used to have 'Subs' that would sign contracts with him and practically be his sexual slaves which is pretty much what he forced sweet little, innocent Ana into at first, But the girls got balls.... and he falls for it big time.
He likes the challenge she brings forward for him and so he changes his ways - insert knee-trembling 'awwwww' sounds here.
The two get married - get attacked, get pregnant, get attacked again.. there's kidnappings and guns, accusations and fights and drama, saucy ass sex scenes, safe-words, playrooms, butt-plugs and tears and snot etc etc etc.... It is a roller-coaster of mangled never ending events that makes you keep wondering what on earth happens next.
Got to hand it to E L James - she knows how to hook you one way or another.

I'll admit that the first book was pretty cool because the whole Fifty Shades phenomenon was so fresh and new - we'd never really read anything like it. Slowly but surely however, you realize all Christian Grey wants to do is fuck. Ana isn't much better - in between talking about her weird subconscious  and 'Inner bloody Goddess' and playing this sweet little innocent act, I just want to throttle her. 

Urgh. 

Hated it. 

Hated it, hated it, hated it. 

It's one of those really annoying books that really does have SOMETHING that hooks you though!!! Whether it be crazy psychopaths trying to murder Mr. Rich Sex Addict or sexually assaulting the God awful Anastasia Steele - E.L. James does sneakily know how to reel you in. Urgh. Urgh - and URGH. 

I don't know why I even bothered to read them if I'm honest - but once I've started something I HAVE to finish it. It's a really annoying trait of mine when it comes to reading a book. 

I'm still pretty interested and perhaps even slightly excited to see the first Fifty Shades film which gets released in February next year. What a hilarious film to watch for Valentine's Day. Bwahahaha. Sorry - I just cannot contain my twisted side.

Here's the trailer to Fifty Shades of Grey:

Spicy, right!?

Something tells me that with the right actors and director, this book may just be salvageable.

Have you read it or do you intend to? What were your thoughts? 

Will you be one of those people queuing at the cinema, dying to see HOW this could possibly be filmed without being classified as porn?

I know I will be - peer pressured I tell you. 

And to end this post - I thought I'd share a sneak peak as to what I will be starting to read now that E L James is out of my life:

Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn. 

I am so excited to read this book before I see the film and I have read some pretty great reviews on it too. I'm in the mood for something a bit creepy and thrilling. 

Something with a bit of 'umph.'

Have any of you read this???? 

I'd love your thoughts and opinions. 

About Writing A Book

Becca over at: Being Becca recently sent me a lovely little message requesting that I write a post about the journey of writing a book. 

When it comes to writing a book, the journey will be unique for everyone.
The basic gist of it is this though:

The most daunting part of writing your own book is the first word. 

The first sentence. 

How do you start it? 

It really isn't as natural as it may seem. 

Once Upon A Time isn't going to work. 

A book needs to be gripping from the get go. 

You need to hook the reader and reel them in right away or they'll swim off downstream, far away from you. 

Once you've established the basic plot and story-line and hammered out that grueling first line - your fingertips will start to leak words onto the keyboard. At least that's how it was for me,

The problem is, your fingers will start leaking like freaking lactating breasts in the middle of the night.
You'll wake up at all hours - FILLED to the brim with inspiration, thoughts and ideas.
Be prepared for seriously irregular sleeping cycles.

Writing will kidnap you.
I easily get lost in writing my novels - so when I finally look at a clock I'm shocked and wonder where all the hours went!
So here's a heads-up: get your other shit done before you settle down to pump out a few pages.

Writing is a beautiful thing.
You can do it anywhere in the world - which is fantastic for those of us who love to travel. But this post isn't about travel so let me not get off track by discussing my second love.......
My point is this: yes, writing can be done anywhere. But it is important to feel comfortable and happy in the place you choose to write.

A writer needs to make their own little 'Writers Den,' if you will.
Fill this room with all of your favorite things - for instance mine has to be painted and scattered with warm, rich colors like maroons and golds; crammed with inviting bottles of wine, type-writers, incense, candles, an abundant supply of pillows and blankets, soothing music with incredible lyrics, a dozen notebooks to scribble ideas in, pens galore, paintings, sculptures, my absolute favorite books and of course, a copy of my first book: Walk With Me.
My book is perched right beside my type-writer - which I admire every single day.
I don't think you'll ever get used to holding your own, edited, printed and bound novel in your hands. Flicking through the pages and realizing each and every word inside that book comes directly from you.
It's just a beautifully overwhelming, satisfying feeling.

Another wonderful thing I love to do is go somewhere unique and different to write.
Have a change in scenery.
 I often take myself off to little beach bars and into the forests, onto some train tracks above the ocean or out for a cocktail at a little bistro with my trusty laptop and notebook.


Time to backtrack.... 
if you're anything like unorganized me, I don't really tend to mind-map. I know this is usually the biggest no-no BUUUUUUUT rules are made to be broken..... hehe. We're writers after all.
I work like this... if I'm hit with inspiration, I crack open my laptop and start to write. I have no idea what I'm going to write until it has been written - pretty much like when I speak to people generally. No filter.
As fun and as unpredictable as this chosen way to write may be - it also makes you need to backtrack fairly often.
I end up needing to reread if not the entire book then at least the most recent couple of chapters so that I know I am entirely on par with my own story-line.

Resenting your own work...
Obviously with rereading your own words over and over again - dedicating the majority of your life to this beautiful novel you once fantasized about.... you end up realizing that it isn't all glitz and glam like you once believed writing to be.
Due to spending such a large slice of deviously icing covered time on your work - you'll end up hating the sight of it at times.
When I finally completed the final editing stages of my book and received a batch of the thing in print - it was a bittersweet feeling.
I was so bored of it by then that I didn't even want anyone else to look at it and it took me absolutely AGES to work up the courage to distribute it.

It will never be complete.... 
This is a biggie to learn. Mkay?
Obviously, I have flicked through my book a number of times and each time I spot a new mistake. Whether it be spelling, grammar or just a spacing mistake - those little gremlins will always be there.
I personally didn't hire an editor so it's really no surprise the quality isn't top notch but you know what? Even some of the most popular, well-known books around that were edited by 'the best' editors have mistakes too.
You need to learn to kick your book from the proverbial nest and let it build it's own wings and fly on the way down. 

Write drunk, edit sober.
This is something I used to nod my head at appreciatively and say: 'I concur!' - until my wine bills rose dramatically - so did the amount of editing I needed to do.
I still love writing with a delicious glass goblet of wine to accompany me... but I've started to tone it down slightly these days.
I've been able to pour out some of my most amazing chapters while on my lunch break actually, sipping on some green tea on the galleries ancient cracked red leather sofa and listening to some mellow jazz tunes.

Prioritizing and Inspiration....
I'd say that one of the hardest parts about being a writer is knowing when to write.
Often, too often actually, I feel most inspired AS I've walked through the doors to work. Which SUCKS - you know, because then you've got work to do but your practically foaming at the mouth with the need to write.
It's a huge inconvenience.
This will be an issue that will probably never go away...
So is the fact that inspiration will also happen over the weekends while your friends are all gearing up for fun, fun fun!
Yip.
This is where you need to choose... friends or writing.
If you choose writing be prepared to be called a series of names by said friends such as, 'Lame.'
(Pssst... they'll never understand....)
By choosing writing you'll also most likely see a lovely new album appear on Facebook, showing you just how much fun they had while you stayed home sporting baggy sweat pants, a messy bun with a pen shoved through the hair-tie, reading glasses perched on the bridge of your nose and sipping on tea.
IF you choose friends over writing however, then you'll probably be spending the entire time THINKING about writing and dying to get away.
Yip.
True story.

Knowing that your writing will never be everyone's cup of tea is also a huge thing to come to terms with.
If you manage to get agents and publishers involved in your work (which is so bloody hard it's actually ridiculous,) then you need to know that the chances of receiving rejection letters and critical comments are high.
Instead of letting this kick you down and making you feel like you're hopeless - learn from it.
We ALL started somewhere.
You'll find someone that absolutely adores your novel and relates wholeheartedly to it. Then you'll get someone who thinks it's the biggest pile of crap they've ever heard of.
That's life. We're all different - and if we all enjoyed the same things, life would be pretty boring if you ask me.

Overall though, writing is one of the most amazing things some of us are blessed with.
If you're lucky enough to have the drive and the yearning to put pen to paper, then let that yearning be set free. Spend time with it. Enjoy it. Revel in it.

Writing isn't for the faint hearted. Much like photography. So many assholes love to say things like, Óh yeah, anyone can click a button!' 

W.R.O.N.G. 

Retards.

Writing is all of the above and more.
It will be your best friend and your mortal enemy at the same time.
You'll have a love / hate relationship with it.

But you know what?

Just Write. 

Summer of '14

A word of advice: 

Never, under any circumstance, fall asleep in the blazing sun for over two hours while on the beach in your bikini. 

Especially without lathering sun-cream onto yourself first.

Even more importantly: Do NOT rest your hand on your stomach while drifting off into that blissful slumber. 

I am scorched. 

Sizzled. 

Roasted. 

Uncannily resembling a crusty lobster.... with a beautiful hand imprinted into the middle of my stomach.

I am thrilled to have gotten some sun however.
Seeing a bikini line tan that although now is red and too sensitive for you to even comprehend, will turn to bronze soon.

Summer is on its merry old way to South Africa and I can hardly wait.
Even though it's the busiest time of year for me on the work front - it is also my favorite season.

I ADORE Summer.
Here's a list of some of my favorite things about Summer:

Sun-Dresses
Mix 'n Match Bikinis
Big Floppy Hats
Orange Sunsets
Salt-Ridden, Sun-Kissed Hair
Sand Between My Toes
Ice Cold Cocktails
Playing In The Warm Waves
Fresh Oysters
Soy-Sauce Soaked Sushi
White Wine
The Warmth of the Sun on my Skin
Reunions with Old Friends and Family
Hikes in the Forest
Outdoor Showers
Camping
Bonfires
Barbecues
Fishing Trips
Picnics
Canoeing
Skinny Dipping in the River
Summer Salads
Surfing
Barefooted Bliss

And this Summer, there's one other very special thing that make's The Summer of '14 incredibly special...
Above and beyond what I just listed... I will also be:

Falling In Love With Sam

Tee Hee

........... Hello .......... 

Is it safe to come out yet??? 

...blush... 

As you may have seen... yesterday was one of THOSE days... 

Yip. I was pretty much like this:

I was adamant to get up this morning and go for a run along the lagoon side - get some endorphin's flowing and get over my shit. 

So at 6am, I pulled on my snugly hoodie and trainers and joined by my furry friend, Fritz (my ancient sausage dog,) we ran all the way around the island I live on. I tried to snap a photo of both of us together but he was so excited that he couldn't keep still. 

There were so many new and interesting smells to discover! 

Please excuse the pimple the size of Jupiter on my chin.

Getting home after the run, I then hooked my feet under my bed. 

"Do stomach crunches," Sam said. 

"They're so much better for you that sit-ups!" he said.............

Holy mother of all that is good. 

I DIED. 

Dead. 

But I persevered and put myself through human torture until any hint of moodiness that may have been left in me, was shaken out. 

Today's Outfit of Choice:

Now it is time to divide and conquer through the Friday working day.... 

I have a wonderful weekend ahead planned including going to watch my brother's band ''What She Said'' play live this evening, having a big wine-induced barbecue with my nearest and dearest friends, surfing some killer waves that are approaching, strolling through the Saturday morning markets in search of Christmas presents (yip.. it's that time of year again!), getting my hands stuck into some clay at the pottery studio and hopefully getting to kidnap my nephew for a few hours on Sunday and get some of that weird broodiness and motherly instincts out of my system. 

Have a beautiful weekend ya'll. 

Thursday's Trio of Blessings

You know those days you get when you just have your 'Grr' face on? For absolutely no reason at all? Well, that's what day it is today for me. I've decided to dub today, 'Jade's Grumpy Day.' I've pretty much pinned in down to withdrawal symptoms... withdrawal symptoms from a few things, this bearded fellow below being one of them:

Buuuuut it's just one more sleep and then I can be back in his arms. So I guess that could be today's First Blessing. I'm having a hard time coming up with 'blessings' today - but it is only 9 o-clock so surely things will improve. 

For starters I've got a cracker of a hangover after demolishing three bottles of wine last night. Self-inflicted. Do not feel sympathy for me. 

I completely skipped the drunk stage and headed straight for the spinning room. Urgh. 

So waking up this morning proved to be rather difficult... once I'd finally gotten up from the comforts of my wonderful bed I padded downstairs ready to make some scrambled eggs. 

Low and behold - only ONE egg remained. 

To make matters worse still, we had the tiniest little smidgen of milk left. Inconsiderate f#@kers. Determined to make my desired scrambled eggs, I set to work., Cracking the egg (thank God it was extra large at least...) shaking out every droplet of milk from the carton. It wasn't too bad to be honest, though just a teaser for my demanding tummy. 

THEN ... hahaha.... then, my friends, there was no coffee. 

No. Coffee. 

I don't know how, but I made it to work and am now suckling on a cup of green tea. 

Things get worse still. Most of my readers are from America, Canada or the UK.... So you probably don't know about the crazy postal service strike currently going on in South Africa. 

This means that absolutely every parcel, package and letter I have sent over the past while has been lost or held somewhere for an indefinite amount of time. 

This means that now, any important things I need to send, has to be done through a courier.... which equals mega bucks. 

At least it's a sure way of knowing the things get there safely and quickly. I'm sending yet another one of my books to a client. She'll be doing a book review on it too so I'm excited to feature that in my blog later this month or next!

That leads me on to Blessing Two. 

My book is still in high demand and sales have been thriving. Just this morning I read a wonderful email from JC Carter over at:

Sweet Love and Ginger

She's all the way from NEW YORK. Can you imagine my excitement??? My book, in NY City!? I am actually going to BEG her to snap a shot with my book in the middle of Times Square. 

JC is also keen to get her hands on a copy of the book and has even offered to do a book review on it too!! Eeeek. This is both scary and awesome. 

Your book is never going to be everyone's cuppa tea and it's no secret that I am absolutely SICK of my first book. If I never saw it again I'd be pretty stoked. Unless it just so happened to be stacked on a best-seller shelf in a bookstore. That'd be pretty groovy, Hey, a girl can dream. 

I guess you do end up resenting your work after dedicating over six years of your life to it day in and day out. 

My second book is so much better - but so we learn, right? We all have to start somewhere. 

Blessing Three... ehhhh...... God, why is it so hard today?? I'm alive.... am I allowed to say that? Haha. I didn't crash my car (close call earlier this week.....). 

Oooo no wait! Got it!!! 

I found shampoo and conditioner in the house!!! Yeahhhhh! 

See, here's the thing - I. Am. Broke. 

It sounds silly to say it, but a begging homeless person probably has more than I do at present. 

Yip. It's that bad. 

I budget every single month and usually I do really well. My MacBook Pro has such a cool budget planner on it that has been a great help - but lately there's been so many unforeseen expenditures.... doctor bills, medicine, printing costs, vet bills, blah blah blah. 

Life pretty much decided to sucker-punch me in the face and say, 'Here Jade, have a taste of this!' and feed me with a face full of dirt. 

Man oh man, it's been hard. 

The thing that really broke my heart this month was having to stop my monthly savings for my travel account. I may have cried. Just a bit. Ok.... a lot.

I had this plan that extended all the way to the end of 2016 - which was a compiled list of what I could save each month until then and I had this massive figure written in bold red pen right at the end. It made me feel so proud, I'd look at it every single morning and smile. 

Let me be clear - I hate money. I wish I could do a 'Alexander Supertramp' from Into The Wild on everyone and just burn all the money I have - BUT.... airplane tickets and travel costs money. 

So does the bloody R50'000.00 Pnina Tornai wedding dress I have my heart set on.. if I ever stop being petrified of the word 'Marriage.'

PLUS kids?!? Ai ai aiiiiii.... 

It was a BIG blow to scrunch up that savings plan for my dream to travel that I'd worked so hard on.

I've come to the realization that I'm never going to be fuck-off wealthy and to be honest, I don't want to be. 

I just want to see some sort of a result from working so hard all the god-damned time.  

I want to be able to see it reflect in my account so that I can do the things in life that are truly important to me. 

But I guess we all feel that way, don't we? I don't know why I'm even bothering to express it actually. 

So I must say I got pretty freaking excited when I stumbled upon some Organics Shampoo and Conditioner and was able to give the old messy mane a good scrubbing this morning. 

Yeah............... my Thursday Trio of Blessing posts are usually MUCH more optimistic and positive but you know what? This is life - and sometimes you are just in a SHITTY mood for no reason at all... to put it bluntly. So there you have it.

Hope you're all having a better day than I.