Happiness is a choice... and I'm making it.

This past weekend was my last weekend of pure indulgences (pringles, white lindt chocolate balls, a massive tub of super rich magnum ice cream and red wine all turmoil-ed into season 4 of Pretty Little Liars and an episode of The Bachelor, then concocted into a fountain of tears and self-pity... Dammit.).

My overall plan was that on Saturday morning (after shaking off my first hangover of the catastrophic weekend,) I was going for a run..  I was going to ignore the dreaded big 'M' in the sky and the alluring smell of Big Macs (which is one thing I actually did do! Huraah!)
Instead I was planning on heading to the supermarket and stocking up on salad goodies, bananas, brown rice and green tea.

I also decided I was going to try desperately hard to stay off of the coffee too... but lets be realistic here..... A box of delicious Nescaffe sachets may just have found their way into my trolley............... It's my guilty little pleasure OK! 

I'll just drink it in moderation...

(Now, on Monday morning at 9am I am only one coffee in.. so there appears to be progress!)

On Friday, I was in an absolute tizz and I am sorry about that. 

I was truly miserable and feeling like curling into a ball under my blanket and staying in all weekend with The Bachelor on repeat and my cats nuzzling into my neck.

What happened was that Friday was the absolute hardest day of my life. Not only did I have to say goodbye to my best friends who packed up their lives and moved off to the big city.... but two guys in army suits and scars covering their entire faces walked into the gallery I work at with batons under their sleeves. It was the scariest moment of my life - and I've been really jumpy and on edge ever since.
Even last night (Sunday,) I woke up gasping for air and screaming. Night terrors of being attacked. I felt like I couldn't breath, I couldn't see and I was completely petrified.
I'm feeling alone and nervous - lonely and heart-sore. 

Snapping out of the funk wasn't easy and although I wanted to be back on my feet on Saturday morning, it took me the whole weekend to finally put my chin up - luckily I soon realized that hiding away from the world and shutting everyone out when I actually need them the most is the stupidest idea I've ever had.
Whenever a bad thought or image comes into my head, I'm going to head out and take a breath of fresh air. I'm going to do something, anything, that I love.

I need a lifestyle change. A big one.

Without my constant partying now and taking my shitty situations out on my poor body and its organs, I'm going to be OK.

No more late nights and disastrously foggy memories.

Time to become properly acquainted with my Macbook and churn out this second novel of mine that I've been working on.

I'm going to write.
Blog.
Surf.
Jog.
Paint.
Walk my dogs.
Bond with my family.
Replace wine with tea and parties with family nights in.
Cook.
Clean.
Re-decorate.
Get my journalism degree.
Enter writing competitions.
Play the guitar.
Sing.
Write lyrics.
Watch the sunrise.
Watch the sunset.
Swim in the lagoon.
Stare at the clouds.
Look at the stars.
Tell my friends how much they mean to me.
Tell my family how much I love them.
Focus on my blessings and do daily acts of kindness for others.
Finally learn how to make my mums incredible mac and cheese.
Laugh.
Smile.
Live and love.

Feed my body positive energy, happy thoughts and healthy foods.

(even though breakfast this morning was a ginormous bowl of cocopops........ a girls gotta start somewhere, right?)

I'm going to work on my travel dreams.
Finally get to Bali to surf the waves, lie in the sand and get sun-kissed skin from baking in the sun.

I want to focus on rebuilding myself - to become the person that I know I can be. The person that is me but is hidden beneath layers of facets and masks I put on because of who other people think I am. The people who don't believe in change. 

This is my period of self-growth and self-learning.
Self-understanding. 

I feel enlightened and ready. 

It is the time for change. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I'm going to never touch Merlot again. I'll still meet friends out for a few beers every now and then (when I'm ready to reenter that part of my life...) but I just realized how only I have the power to change my life.

Happiness is a choice... and I'm making it.