Hard-Ass People

A lot of things have been going on in the last couple of days...

My Grandfather is in hospital once again, weaker than ever, the cancer is overtaking him and he's getting too tired to fight. His heart failed. The doctor says that he can die at any moment.

If I could go back in time, I'd go back to spend more time with my late grandfather, who died two years ago. I wouldn't have taken the time I had with him for granted... I can't change that.

My dad's father doesn't have long left, and I would love to spend some heart-aching quality time with him (no matter how much it hurts) but my dad won't let us.

My dad doesn't want us to see him now, while he's at his weakest, because he believes if his dad see's us all around his hospital bed, he'll realize we're saying our goodbyes; and have nothing left to fight for.

My heart goes out to every other soul in this world that has ever felt the way I do right now.. because it is torturous; and one of the most painful moments of my life - realizing that someone in my family is dying right now, is in agony right now, and there is nothing that I can do to help. I can only wait.......

The one thing that I need right now, that I couldn't ever ask anyone for, is for someone's arms to wrap around me safe and tight, and just let me cry.

I have never felt this weak. Its strange... because on the outside, I look like the strongest I've ever been, yet inside, I'm giving up hope.

- I guess if you think about all the hard-ass people in the world; sure they look strong and bold, but most of them are emotionally destroyed; like me.

So maybe I'm not so different.

Writers' Block

I haven’t written in such a long time – it pains me inside, as writing was once the one thing that saved my life, the one friend that I could rely on. Now it seems that I have turned my back to it, leaving it on the outskirts of my life. I guess I’m feeling euphoric these days, and have no need for its companionship anymore. It is not that I do not wish to write any longer, I would love to; but there has been no inspiration, no overly emotional experiences to set me off on one of my writing rampages. Even now – I find myself dissatisfied with this work, and the temptation to just highlight it all and press ‘backspace’ is so strong.

It’s almost as if I have been sleeping for decades and suddenly I get that vertiginous falling sensation and wake with a start... Realising how long it has actually been since I have set time aside for my life passion and dream. The writer’s block that I am suffering through right now, and have been for the last two or three years, is making future prospects seem dim. It isn’t often anymore that I can relish an evening in, pouring my heart and soul out onto pen and paper.

The feeling of overcoming this writers’ block and defeating its power is so sublime; I wish I was strong enough. Alas, it has built a wall around my interior, barricading off all inspiration that I once let in like the ocean current.

Writers’ block is the most frustrating and overpowering sensation that I have ever felt. I feel as though my life is not my own, as though it is not me behind the wheel. I feel caged in and destroyed; as though my hands are tightly tied behind my back and my mouth has been cello taped shut for eternity. It feels as though all hope is lost, as though the life has been sucked out of me and as though I am bone dry and lifeless on the inside. It feels as though my soul is dying.

Let me get over this writer’s block. Let me feel alive again. I beg of you.

Mong's Day Out

That’s what we used to call each other, Rachel and I; ‘mong’s.’

It is a British slang word, meaning ‘retard.’ A few years back when Rachel and I were inseparable, nobody could have stopped us in our paths for anything that we did. We were so free-spirited and worry-free. We hadn’t a care in the world about what other people thought of us, and we were happy above all else.

Having not spent much time together over the recent years, we finally set a day together to be ourselves...

9:15am – I drove my white Honda Jazz over to her place, picked her up and drove us to the Face to Face Makeup Design School in Knysna while listening to my new Nickelback CD. We had volunteered to be models for the makeup artist students to work on for the morning.

(I managed to convince Rachel to begin studying at the design school with me for the next couple of months, to gain an international degree) – The makeup students are already excellent, yet they have only been studying for three and a half weeks. An old friend that I competed against in the Miss Pearl Beauty Pageant in 2009 was one of the new students which was a nice surprise and it was nice to catch up with her as well.

12:01pm – Having completed four sets of different eye makeup techniques on us, the teacher gave me a full makeover so that I could go to work looking my best. I took Rachel with me until her dad came to fetch her, and while waiting for him, she had ran across to the evil restaurant, ‘Il De Pain’, to fetch me a humungous pizza slice and a healthy looking yet mouth watering sandwich for herself. Somehow, (I don’t know how exactly...) Rachel and I always manage to make fools of ourselves, and today, standing outside my shop munching on our lunch was no different! I take an unnecessarily large bite out of my pizza, ravenous after skipping breakfast this morning. Off with my bite falls ALL the top layer of my pizza, the layer of cheese and sweet tomato’s dangling from my mouth. I hear Rachel’s giggle start up, slowly turning into a full on laugh, which set me off as well as I try my best to stuff the best part of the pizza into my mouth at once.

12:34pm – Once gone, I retreated back inside the shop to keep warm. We had arranged to meet up at 17:30pm again, once she was done with her History A-Level homework and after I’d had a chance to relax after work. Tonight’s plan that we had concocted involved, ‘Mr Darcy (and all of his brilliance!), copious amounts of wine and a much needed sushi binge. Excited to get my next three and a half hours of work over with, I waited impatiently for my boss to visit the shop one more time, because as soon as I was sure that he was on his way back to Plett, I could begin slacking off and watching movies on my laptop during the quiet / boring parts of the day. The store sometimes goes an hour or two with no one coming in, not even to browse, so it is good to have something to keep me busy instead of boring myself to death.

14:14pm – Boss still hadn’t arrived back and so I dug Audrey Niffenegger’s novel, ‘The Time Traveller’s Wife,’ out of my black and white Audrey Hepburn bag, attempting to read it; although my mother had told me that even she had found it a difficult read. I knew it was too risky to put on the Family Guy movie. Even if I did pause it before my boss walked in, the look on my face would condemn me.

22:09pm - Back from Rachel's house. Petrified once again. Having rented the Pride & Prejudice series with good old Colin Firth acting as our Mr Darcy, we were quite thrilled to get back to her place and pop it on. While munching on Bow Tie's sushi, which has seriously lost credibility after tonight (bleh!), we realized that we weren't in the mood to watch a crappy version of our cherished, Jane Austen's, 'Pride and Prejudice.' Instead we shut it off after ten minutes and decided to give the original 'Paranormal Activity' a try. We had both seen a copy, where it ended with Katie stabbing her boyfriend to death, then retreating back up those creepy wooden stairs to rock backwards and forwards for three days before getting shot by a police man................ This one was waaaayyyyy different! We got the biggest fright of our lives after realizing this clearly wasn't the same ending, as her boyfriend suddenly got his dead, bloody body hurled across the bedroom and into the camera. Katie then crouches down to begin eating him, when she remembers the camera is still recording; so she looks up, smiles... and begins to crawl towards the camera! AAAHHH!!!

The alternate ending was different to the one we had seen too. She came back into the room, knife in hand, but instead of rocking back and forth for three straight days she walks right up to the camera and we watched her slit her own throat.

Gruesome. Freaky. Completely and totally awesome!

Driving home in the dark after watching that though, made my heart race. My mind spinning with evil things that could happen, overreacting in every possible way. Thankfully my boyfriend stayed on the phone with me for the whole ride back, so I felt safer.

Guess its time to leave me door open and lamp on again for the next couple of nights, that sort of movie is bound to give people insomnia and other chronic sleeping disorders!!!

Wish me luck!

A Moment in Time

My nights seem restless, uneven; due to my crepuscular kitten.

4am he wakes, ready to pounce and play.

My working days have now become a fighting struggle to stay awake, and by the time I lock up shop, the concentration it takes to drive home drains me of the last drop of life I have in me.

The days are becoming blurred and in a sense, while I am in a moment I can feel my mind fighting to remember the scene as a memory already, something that I should not consciously notice.

The signs are cognizable to me, I know what this means... and I will not let the darkness carry me away again.

I pulled myself out of my black abyss a long time ago, and I refuse to fall back into it with bended knees.

I have to abstain myself from the temptation of giving in. The darkness is comforting, quiet and surreal; yet petrifying, isolating and deathly at the same time.

This is not the kittens fault. His little blue eyes and high pitched squeal makes it impossible to stay annoyed with him. No. This I had felt creeping back to me long before the kitten came into the picture.

I will not let it take over my life as it has done many times before.

A surge of glee rushes through my body like ocean waves, as I realize I am fighting the urge to fall back into the blackness (not yielding), for the first time.

For the first time I feel myself controlling my own life. It is as if I have finally seen the smallest twinkling glint in the distance; something to pull me through this moment of weakness.

Only Time Will Tell

With finally a night alone, I have decided to dedicate it to creating my own blog site. Although not particularly good at this right now, I'll get the hang of it eventually!

Feeling pretty pensive tonight. Have far too much on my mind for it to be comforting. Along with a glass of ice cold water and a mini magnum ice cream, I have found refuge in my room.

My new kitten which I named Stryker, has been outside in the nice, cool breeze for over half an hour, stalking the chickens in their den.

Glad for it to finally be nightfall after the refulgent and hideously hot day, my mind is spinning with thoughts of the future.

This always happens to me, I come to realize. Nights alone always result in my thoughts carrying me away into a world of worries and nerves.

They are just every day worries, such as if all the things I could have done this year would have been better for me.

Whether or not rejecting my acceptance to the ICA chef program, forgetting about studying Journalism and running scared from my idea of starting fresh in England actually would have been the right decisions to have made.

Instead I found a good job and a college in Knysna that I will be joining soon to study makeup art, reflexology and massage. I got to stay in the town I know, experiencing little new and able to see my boyfriend whenever I like without having to worry about things such as distance. We are building our own flat which will be ready in a couple of months, we got a kitten together (Stryker) and we are happier than ever before.

- That all sounds amazing, a fairytale... But who knows how it will plan out?

As for now, I don't know what the right decision was. Only time will tell.

Here I thought creating a blog would get my mind off of this overwhelming topic, yet all it has done is shove its way into another part of my life. Fantastic!

As if I'm not feeling vindictive enough about other certain things, now I'm feeling vindictive against my own over-crowded and jumbled up thoughts too!

I wish I could stop thinking of these things and just live my life day by day, but I guess I'm at that age now where it is something continually on your mind and worrying you.

Enough for tonight; it is too hot to think clearly and I notice I am making something I hope to be elaborate into something quite confusing, scrambled and utterly boring.