Peace. Breathe. Release.

Happy Saturday, world. 

I've woken up after not much sleep with my cat purring on my lap and a brand new day ahead. 

Regardless of all of the negativity that has invaded my space lately - I'm letting it go. 

Grief is a fickle thing and comes in many ways when you least expect it. 

Yesterday I broke down. I let life get the better of me but sometimes you need a good cry. You need to be tested. I've made it out to the other side with a more positive mind set. 

I will no longer focus my energy on anything negative. I am cleansing my life, releasing the past and starting over. 

The truth is that I've been angry and allowing negativity into my life because I didn't understand why all of this stuff has had to happen to me lately... but everything I've lost IS replaceable. I wasn't hurt and while I may have PTSD to sort through after what happened the other night I know I'll be okay. Because I always am. I'll pick myself back up, slowly piece back the pieces, get back what I lost even if it's not the same quality... it's all material crap at the end of the day. The positive side is that I wasn't hurt. I wouldn't wish that onto anyone. 

I'm moving to America soon for such an exciting new life - and I have so many amazing friends there already. People who care and support and shine positivity onto my life when they know I need it. That's the kind of person you want in your life. The people who are bitter, resentful, jealous and holding grudges for no reason have their own issues and need to go take a good long hard look in the mirror and sort themselves out. That's what I'm doing. I'm sorting myself out. Because I am FAR from perfect. I stuff up. But I do not hurt people. I help others. I work hard. I play harder because I am still young and I deserve it. I have always worked hard and been incredibly motivated and driven. I have also always been an outgoing, fun-loving person who ALWAYS offers to pay her way which you would know if you actually knew me. I am beyond grateful to every soul who has been there for me through the turmoil and they know I would be there for them in a heartbeat if roles were reversed. I love and laugh and while I might break down from time to time that's because I'm only human and today I woke up and realised that that is enough. People look in and see your life from afar and they judge and make assumptions but that is not my problem.

For the past year I have been working on fixing my life. Working on my evident flaws. I'm a long way from being perfect and I know I never will be - but I am growing into the person I want to be and someone others want to have around more and more each day. I have been owning up to my faults and I am proud of that - can you say the same?

We are all only human. Let that be enough.

Peace. Breathe. Release. 

Ciao Bella.

I Miss Something I Never Had

I miss being somewhere appreciated.

I miss living in a house that isn't impossible to breathe in without second-hand smoke continuously drifting through the rooms. 

I miss a clean environment - somewhere pleasant to cook in. Somewhere you are proud to call home.

I miss that feeling of walking through the front door and sighing with the relief of being back in your safe haven after a days work or a trip away.

I miss roadtrips - dancing and singing along to music with a takeaway cup of coffee in one hand and my ex partners fingers laced through the other. 

I miss exploring the world with someone to experience it all with. 

I miss the simple things like sunsets on the roof, watering my plants and listening to the birds sing when the rain comes down.

I miss runs along the brook and dips in the little communal pool. 

I miss running and jumping into my ex's arms every evening and asking how his day was. 

I miss feeling that confidence that I was going in the right direction.

I miss looking down at my hand and seeing that beautiful ring that symbolised everything I ever needed and more. 

I miss pajama parties and cheering on sports at a stadium even though I had no idea what was going on.

I miss hairy chests and snuggles while we did our own things.. me reading a book and him watching sport or playing xbox.

I miss being called ''baby'' and hearing those three words that I don't hear from anyone anymore. I love you. 

I miss feeling loved. 

I miss feeling respected and desired and wanted and needed. 

I miss loving someone. I really miss that.

I also miss the days where my mother was my best friend. I miss the times we used to have deep, meaningful conversations. I miss how she would hold me if I was sad and laugh with me when I was happy. 

I miss the nights where I didn't have to watch my family drink themselves to sleep. 

I miss my independence. I miss having savings for if I needed it and a car to get into if I needed to get away. I miss the freedom I used to have at my fingertips and I miss not feeling like I've somehow lost absolutely everything I ever cared about. I miss feeling like my life was worth it.

I miss looking in the mirror and seeing someone happy... not someone exhausted, pale, devastated and alone.

I miss being around people that made me a better person and didn't bring the worst out in me. 

I miss somewhere and something that I never had - because where are those things and those people now? That's how you truly realise who is real and who is fake in your life. When those people you bent over backwards for the cook and clean for and invite into your home and only EVER be polite and friendly to just disappear... that's when you realise how much of your precious time you wasted on the wrong kind of people. 

Explaining Kickstarter and Patreon

I find it incredible how judgemental people can be. 

A few days ago I started a page on a well-known incentive based sponsorship platform. The site helps creative people fund their projects - in my case, people would be donating as little as $1 to my new writing project. That $1 shows support and belief in what you do - it's so motivational knowing there are people out there who care about your work and are willing to help you send your project into production. It's also a great platform to gauge how much interest there is into your work because once the work is done you need to start making sales. That said, some wonderful unknown person purchased a paperback copy of my novel yesterday and I couldn't be more grateful. Literally, every tiny bit helps!!!

There's a lot of work that goes into writing a novel. 

Hours a day spent hunched over your keyboard to bring a story together that one day people will be holding in their hands. I don't get paid for those hours work - and no I am not usually one to care about money all that much if it means I'm doing something I love! Writing has always been a huge passion of mine and I get satisfaction from just seeing my book with my name on the front cover, bound and ready to be devoured. 

However - circumstances have changed for me lately and while I'm working my arse off to find a job, helping out at the family business and trying to sell my wedding dress which I put up onto Gumtree yesterday:

Gorgeous Wedding Dress For Sale

I am trying the best that I can but there's  no denying that a bit of crowdfunding for my new writing project would be a huge help to me right now. But even though I put myself out there - people now think I am 'begging.' I'm getting ridiculed, laughed at and judged. 

I think people don't seem to realise this is the 21st century. Take for instance another funding platform - Patreon. 

Almost every single podcaster I know has Patreon. I wasn't judged for that when I created it (in fact I accumulated almost $200 in pledges!?) so I'm struggling to understand how and why Kickstarter is any different. 

It's not like people donate money for nothing. Both Kickstarter and Patreon are incentive based - meaning depending on the amount you contribute towards a persons project, you get something in return. 

Here's my profiles - there's nothing 'beggy' about them and I'm so tired of people's lack of understanding.

KICKSTARTER

PATREON

Anyway... that was my little rant... because I'm deflated today. It's another hard day where accepting M and I are over is ripping my heart out. All night last night I couldn't get to sleep, my mind was so full of memories of us camping and loving each other... exploring different parts of Canada, South Africa, Australia and Madagascar. 

My brain was also in overdrive trying to figure out how to acquire Bumble, that sexy little yellow car I have fallen in love with but cannot afford. 

My head was full of the realisation that by the end of this month I'm going to be camping on a mattress in a half torn down cottage that is missing walls so it's going to be freezing cold but hey, at least there's a bathroom and a stove so I'm just going to need to bundle up like an eskimo and get on with it. I can't stay in my folks house anymore. I'm going mad and am probably getting lung cancer because everyone smokes inside with the windows closed. I wake up coughing and hardly breathe. I can't get to sleep at night because the snoring rattles through the entire house like a fucking monster. 

And I just can't keep seeing my family live this way... passing out drunk every single night listening to a television so loud that people three houses down can probably hear it. 

Moving back to South Africa has made me more depressed than ever before - but I'm holding onto that last shred of hope I have and I'm trying to figure my life out. The sooner the better. 

Today I'm going into the work office - which is an ice box but I'm just thrilled to get out of this smokey hell hole and I'm getting trained in Quickbooks so I can get the business back up to date with invoicing etc. I'm just so excited to work and get out of the house. I just wish I had a car so I could just drive - get out more. I hitch-hiked the other day just to get away. I'm aware that's not smart but I'm at a complete loss for what else to do anymore. My life has gone to shit and my depression and heartbreak is actually starting to kill me. I feel so trapped. ANY form of independence I once had is gone. I truly don't think I deserved this to happen to me - at 28 years old when I was about to have everything I'd ever wanted.... a beautiful life with an incredible man, getting married and living happily ever after. I lost it. I lost everything and there's tears falling onto the keyboard as I type that out because I don't KNOW how to start again. I don't KNOW how to let go. I'm trying. I'm trying so hard that I'm truly exhausted. But I miss M. I miss us. I miss my old life. I know I fucked it all up and I couldn't be more sorry for that. The miscarriages and hormone imbalances took it's toll on me and I wish I'd fixed that sooner before it was too late. Because now I am getting healthy. I'm exercising and laughing and working on myself but it is truly impossible to not be completely depressed when you've lost everything you cared about in life. 

I wish someone would throw me a lifeline. I'm doing my best to get my mother sorted with one. No one seems to realise how much I try and do for everyone else. Even just that acknowledgement would be nice. A thank you. Anything. 

Bumble Bee Sunflower

Ah man - it's the 2nd of July. 

I had wanted to dedicate July to fitness and health (accumulating KMs on my neglected Strava app) and work myself up to being able to run 21ks and get myself a pretty shiny medal like my sister-in-law has.... (I like pretty shiny things ha!)... 

But alas I am still spluttering, coughing, sneezing and sniffing from the blasted flu. 

A painful amount of money spent on anti-biotics all for nothing. Gah! 

I'm trying to be as proactive as I can be though... I say while zipped up in my onesie in bed at 8am... ahem......  

I've been up since 3am applying for every job I can find that sounds bearable... in the meantime I'm helping out at the family business which is in dire need of some TLC. It doesn't pay much but I get to sit in an office and that alone is a step up from where I've been the past few weeks.

I'm also trying to figure out a way to get this car I fell in love with yesterday.

I've already named her... yip.. it's that bad. 

Her name is Bumble and I'm sold.... sadly she's not due to lack of funds... BUT I'M WORKING ON IT!!! 

I figured if I can hop onto a cruise ship or a yacht just for a few months and earn some euros I'll be able to pay back a loan for a car and have extra left over to play with and figure out the rest of my Godforsaken life. 

So that's the plan... now just to have some wonderful person hire me. 

Tick tock.

I'll also need to save up for some roof racks as I don't like my chances of squeezing one of my surfboards in Bumble... but I think she suits me SO MUCH. She's bright, tiny and a bit rickety just like me.  

In the meantime, Camp Nanowrimo started yesterday and I have started writing my 2nd thriller novel which possibly has the best name imaginable: The Book With No Name. 

A lovely and very generous friend of mine is currently helping me design a cover for it which is very exciting. There's something about having a cover made that gives me the motivation to crack on with writing. 

This is just a brief mock-up... there's a few more ideas floating around and of course font etc will all be changed but I'm liking the direction the covers going! 

I ADORE that feeling of holding the first draft of a book I've written. 

Right now I'm only a few chapters in but I'm really happy with my idea and eager to carry on creating! 

What else is there to say? 

The keto diet is SUCH a flop in South Africa. SO MUCH STARCHY FOOD HERE. It's impossible... I try to eat keto but I'm really not succeeding. At all.

I'm starving. Intermittent fasting is going well for the most part - except when I find Cinnamon Bun Cappuccino's which I HAVE TO HAVE IMMEDIATELY. That cocks up my 16 hour fast... but sometimes I like more than a black coffee OK! Not sure where my weight stands at the moment. Last I checked it was 52kg. I'm still working on toning back up again and flattening my stomach... so I've decided to start this 30 day plank and squat challenge. I tried day 1 just before I got sick and then I pretty much died. I will start over again today now that the worst of my flu has buggered off. 

Think I'm going to take my dog for a walk now... don't quite think I'm 100% up to running just yet! I can't even walk up a flight of stairs without huffing and puffing. This flu has seriously knocked me around! 

I'll update soon about jobs, cars, books and anything else I fancy sharing with you at that particular time... not that anyone actually cares.. but HEY.