Freelance Journalist

I have been thrown into the deep end... In a world that I know nothing about.
Chantelle, my co-worker, was stopped in town the other afternoon and a lady called Abigail asked her if she would ever be interested in writing for their up and coming newspaper. Chantelle laughed in their faces, "Me?! A writer?" she giggled, then she thought for a second and remembered me. "I do have a friend though, who loves writing, you should give her a call," she gave over my contact number and I waited a couple of days before an SMS arrived through on my phone, telling me that I have an interview.
At first I thought it would be a breeze, but closer to the time my heart began to thump and my hands trembled from my nerves. I suddenly realized that this could be a fundamental part of my life, giving me experience in the workforce that I hope to end up in. I realized that if I messed this interview up, I could potentially lose my dream forever.

I arrived at the interview, surrounded by crowds of other people, all applying for the same position it would seem. I had yet to learn that there were thousands of positions being offered, depending on the candidates strengths and interests.
We were sent into the interview room in bulk, all gathered around a table, trying to pull ourselves together and come forward as a confident individual perfect for their business.

As many of you know, I am one of the least racist people you could find, so I say this in the most harmless and innocent way possible: I was the only white person applying to work with these people. The only fairer skinned person I came across was the CEO of the company. This intimidated me as I wondered just how prestigious this place could be, how far it would get me; and a million other things ran through my mind that made me doubt whether I was right for this job.

The interviewers asked us many of the usual questions you would get in any normal interview... What were our strengths and weaknesses? Why do you think you would be a good person to work for us? They then added in a question that I believe we were all least expecting... How do we think the economy is South Africa is?
Again being the only white person - this question was a struggle for me, having eyes of different races melting through my skin (or at least that is what it felt like). I was always the first in the group that had to answer the questions, so I fed off of no one else's confidence and wisdom. It was petrifying, but I ploughed through and the newspaper would like me to become a freelance journalist with them.
I need to hand in a piece of writing, showing my writing potential, by Thursday. They said that it could be based on anything. A make-believe article, a story, anything... I doubt that they would be interested in my little romance novels I have stored on my PC.
What do you write to impress a newspaper that has given you no lead on the sort of thing they are interested in reading from you?

I have reached a plateau in my writing. Better put... I am stumped.

Welcome to Heart Break Street

Feeling so low tonight... I don't know why.

Feels like I'm going to explode into an outrageous flood of tears at any moment.

The roller coaster ride with Michael and I continued for a short while, where I had never felt happier. Although we never put labels to it, he began to treat me as a girlfriend and the smile could never be wiped off my face around him.

I fell.

Madly, truly and deeply in love.

He didn't even have to try, he made me effortlessly happy. But again, family came first, and things had to end.

It shouldn't be so hard. It should be a choice between two people, if it feels right then why not be together!? No one else matters when you know your happy. For once I put myself before all others, but as hard and as determined as I fought, it was not good enough. I'd never fought so hard for anything. I poured my heart and soul out.

I still feel so greatly for him, but I know its over. We can't be together. It's like a modern day Romeo and Juliet. I waited for two months until I eventually realized nothing is ever going to happen. So I moved on, trying to forget my heartache.

We are still friends. We still surf together and we're still off to the Transkei in December, a lot of people tell me its weird, but if they only knew how much Michael and I got along, they would understand. I would rather have him in my while as a friend, than nothing at all. I know nothing is going to happen again, there would be no point because it would just lead me to more heart pain. But friends I can manage.

We never shut up around each other, we always have fun times and adventures, I wouldn't give that up. He's really like a best friend to me. I love him in a way that I want him to be happy, whether it be with someone else, as long as he's happy. I just want him there as a friend above all else.

The pain in my heart surfaces sometimes - like tonight I guess. I feel pathetic and useless, I can't turn to him because I really don't want to harm the relationship I have left with him.

The castles that we built were so tall, it only left is further to fall....

I know my heart will heal, slowly. Its going to take a good while though :(

Sunday

So its a cold and rainy night. I am sitting in my room with a mug filled with delicious smelling coffee, I can hear the rain falling to the dampened grass outside and I can see the water droplets slowly slipping down my window pane. I don't know what it is about weather like this, but it always puts me in a creative mood.

Nothing ever blossomed between me and the cute waiter who I so boldly gave my number to. He's a nice guy, but as it turned out, we just didn't connect. Not in the way that Michael and I did anyway. With Michael, every moment is perfect. We fit into each others arms so amazingly. There was never an uncomfortable moment, never the slightest bit of awkwardness.

I can' put into words the connection that Michael and I have; which frustrates me because putting feelings down from a pen to paper is what I do! Its my passion, and now there are no words to describe what Michael and I share.

Right now I'm hovering my fingers over the key-board, listening to The Cat Empire and just wanting to write - but I can't think of anything to say.............

I may be going to the Transkei in December, I have leave that I can take from work and since I have taken up surfing again I've got a couple of buddies going there to catch some waves, so I may join them for the journey!

OH! I learnt a pretty valuable lesson a couple of weeks back. DO NOT TRUST ANYONE. I always trust far too easily and confide in people when I am going through something tough, and me being as naive as I am, would never think they would go and spread my private life around the whole of the western cape... but apparently they would.

People these days are just after a good bit of gossip, so that they have five seconds of being everyones greatest interest.

I need to start dealing with my personal situations by myself and find the answers without help from others. I need to deal with things in a way that I choose and not rely on other peoples advice. Its a great build up of your inner self and strengthens your whole being.

Blonde hair is far to high maintenance for me. Dying it back to my lovely and wonderful dark curtain on the 2nd of November. Got an email from a great photographer that wants to do a shoot with me, but in order to do the shoot I need to have dark hair again - so its win win!

Blonde is great, it makes me feel much more beautiful, but its just not me. Cannot WAIT for my hair to grow again either! Cutting it all off was the worst mistake I've ever made.

My tattoo is still a bit scabby and still can't get it wet, which makes bathing and surfing so difficult! But soon it will be all healed up and ready to show off to the word!

Now I am just writing a load of boring junk that is not worthy of publishing... thinking of high lighting it all and pressing backspace.. but then in a couple of months when I re-read this entry at least I'll sit back and have a good laugh.

So I'm off, going to pour myself a nice glass of red, run a bath and read a book! Delightful Sunday night :)

Death of Love

My fairy tale with Michael ended. He told me it was because we could never get married due to the family issues, with Kane in my past and also because I'm still 19 and have my own dreams that he wants me to follow.

Of course my heart shattered into pieces. I got angry and told him to make his mind up and stick to it for once, as it had always been a bit of a roller-coaster ride with him.

I am looking for something serious; so I'm not going to wait around for nothing.

We are friends now. Still hang out every so often and I get to see the puppy.

Finally got my tattoo I've been wanting for over a year too!!! So stoked with it. Couple of things I want to touch up and add to it but for now its awesome.

Was really proud of myself too, because I sat through the whole tattoo by myself, no one was there to hold my hand! Faced and conquered my fear!!!! :)

Did something pretty different last week. Chantelle and I went for lunch at this small Italian cafe, and I thought the waiter was good looking. Totally my type and totally not at the same time. He's sort of rugged looking, with tattoo's and a very stylish fashion sense. He wears dark rimmed glasses and has blonde hair and blue eyes.

Apparently as Chantelle was trying to order her food he wouldn't stop looking at me. She only decided to tell me after we left and I went into another cafe, grabbed a pen and paper and wrote my number down for him. Chantelle took it back to him and I was expecting him to wait a couple of days before contacting me. About 2 hours later I got a message.

We began flirting away and met up for a drink a few days later. We got on pretty well and decided on a second date :)

Friday night I couldn't get home because there was a big road block and we'd all been out drinking, so he said I could stay at his place in town.

It was a very sweet night. He cuddled me close all night, stroking my back and giving me soft kisses. It didn't go any further.
I've realized now that guys aren't going to respect you if you just give it all up on the first night, and I'm not that sort of girl. I really respect him for not trying to go further too. It really surprised me and made me feel so good about myself.

Saturday night we put on a movie called Shutter Island (FUCKED UP MOVIE!!!!) and he made is the most delicious Italian dinner and pudding I've ever tasted!!! We fell asleep on his couch, me in his arms. He woke me up at 3am to ask if I was comfortable and warm.

As I said, I am looking for something serious and so far he is a great guy that I'd love to carry on seeing, but another thing I've recently learnt is to not get your hopes up. Majority of the time you just end up being disappointed. So we'll see what happens, guess I'm just scared to get hurt again.

History of the last 2 months

Wow... Yet again I have neglected my blog; become careless and forgotten how much writing means to me... Guess its time to finally free my fingers and let them flow over the keyboard.

So the last you bloggers heard, was about my weekend with Chantelle, Brendon and Gustav. Gustav is actually coming back to visit us for Chantelle's 20th birthday this coming weekend and we have lots of great stuff planned which hopefully I'll get around to writing about at some point.

Guess the first thing you all need to know, is that I turned blonde!!! Who would have thought? Dark and mysterious me, a platinum blonde! Some people love it, some people hate it. I think its OK... Miss my dark curtain though, its who I am, though I am trying to lighten up my life and change a few certain things. Finally realized some things in my life need to change,

a hair color might not seem like a big thing to you, but blonde makes me feel lighter, happier and more feminine.

The next big change (there have been a few!) is that my 23 year old brother got engaged! The happy couple are planning the big day for around this time next year and not only am I one of three maid of honors but also my new sister in laws host for her hen party! Unfortunately I can't give away any of the fantastic ideas I've got swimming around in my head just in case by some miracle someone is actually reading this and informs her of what she has just gotten herself into!

My beautiful Labrador, Cassy and my two first cats, Cola & Pepsi were put down. They were all so old, but they made our home complete, without them it feels empty... I held my Cassy dog all the way through when they injected her and she passed away in my arms, my moms arms and my brothers arms. We were all loving and cuddling her and crying. The vet wanted to give me a Valium because I was so shaken up.

Even though its been a while, I still come home after work and look for them all. I know they aren't coming back, but sometimes I just forget their all gone and I've caught myself actually calling out for them and when I realize they are gone, it kills me inside.

I was really sick for a few weeks too. Had pneumonia and lost weight, which isn't good considering I'm already tiny. Picked it all back up and more since I got better though!

I met someone.

He is a fantastic guy and there isn't anything bad I can really say about him. We spent one week together, not dating, but getting to know one another and we really get along so well. The only downside is that one of my ex's is in his family and us being together could cause family friction. The last thing I want to do is upset a family or cause problems, so I didn't try to fight for him. We had some time apart, and in that time this guy managed to kiss another girl right in front of me, which crushed me after I'd poured my heart out to him. Its not like I had the right to be angry, we weren't together, but there's no denying it hurt!

I had a couple of his things so we met up for dinner at this GORGEOUS restaurant out of town called Emily Moon so I could return his stuff. We literally didn't shut up for the car ride there, all through dinner and the car ride back. He invited me up to his apartment afterwards and he made me a cup of tea and we spent another full hour talking! I don't know how we did it! I felt really good after I left, because nothing happened, we didn't kiss, just hugged hello and good bye. I felt like it could be a real friendship as we got on so fantastically.

We started hanging out a bit more and he told me he was interested in adopting a dog, so I trotted off to Animal Welfare to see what they had to offer.

I found the sweetest little female pavement special that I tugged Michael to have a look at the next day and he instantly adored her before I'd even pointed her out to him.

The welfare inspected his house and he got approval and now she's adopted!!! Its quite sweet because Michael always calls me 'Mommy' now.

He named her Taj - after Taj Burrow, the surfer.

Saturday we took her to the Saturday Market in Sedgefield and EVERYONE adored her. We couldn't even walk two steps without little children, grannies and happy couples stopping us in our tracks to love and coo over her.

We had a picnic by the lagoon and tried to get her to swim for the first time but she wasn't too keen.

Yesterday we took her out on a canoe and at first she hated it. She dived off and Michael had to dive in after her, it was so cute. I took some great pictures. We hiked up this STEEP sand dune and chilled at the top of a gorgeous sand mountain for a while.

Also later that evening I met a couple of Michael's friends, had a couple of drinks and relaxed with them. They are so chilled, I love it. There's no pressure of needing to look good or say the right things, their the sort of people that you can truly just be yourself around and they'll accept you for who you really are. Wish there were more people in the world like that. These days everyone is so conformed.

Don't know whats going to happen between me and Michael - right now we're just really enjoying each others company. There's no doubt about it that we would be good together, but I'm not going to force anything. If anything ends up happening, I want it to be natural.

Still working at Curves, reached my monthly target this month and I'm doing better than both the other ladies that work in the club so I'm ecstatic!

Its getting easier waking up so early lately as well, as summer is on its way (slowly but surely!) and the mornings aren't so dark anymore.

That's pretty much it! I promise to try and write a bit more often and next time try and put a bit more effort into it as this entry is pretty sloppy!

Thanx to whoever is actually reading this!

Peace Out.