Opening up

I thought the plans after my grandfathers death would be to travel up to Cape Town after the weekend for a funeral.
Turns out there will be no formal funeral. My grandfather is going to be cremated, and transported down to Knysna with my Aunt and Uncle when they decide to come for some of the Oyster Festival. Once my grandfathers ashes have arrived, we will have a little gathering in the garden of my parents house, say our goodbyes and a few words. There onwards, my dad and his brothers will set off to scatter his ashes at the most appropriate spot.

I was hoping to get away from Knysna for a while to clear my head, but looks as though I'm stuck here for now.
Although I have teared up a few times around some of my closest friends, it still hasn't hit me that he's not alive.
I feel so stupid and vulnerable when people ask if I'm OK when they see that I'm not my usual smiley self, I try to say I'm fine, but I must be a bad liar. They see straight through it. My manager, Ansu, an amazingly sweet person, is the one that has probably seen me tear up the most. I try to walk away and hide it, but she makes it so easy to open up.
I don't understand why this is such an emotional thing. I know he was family, but I was never like this when my other Grandad passed away just under 3 years ago. I think the emotions from his death are also finally unleashing themselves, so its rather like a tsunami hit me than anything else.

I need to cheer up though, and get over it. Its time to move on. Being sad isn't going to change anything. Being sad is just going to waste time that I can't ever get back. He wouldn't have wanted me to be sad. So I think I need to respect his wishes, as much as it hurts.

Its going to be a pretty stressful week I think. Another reason I was quite keen to remove myself from this small town of conformity is because on Wednesday, work has a very important person coming in from oversea's to test me and the other Curves trainer's individually on our progress. She is going to test us on the muslces in our bodies and what muscles each machine works. She's also going to test us on our sales presentation, our phone scripts and a whole lot more. Got to be on top form! So I think its time to push aside all emotional baggage, crack open my study books and re-insert all of this information! I think I'll do alright, its just nerve wrecking knowing that she's so superior.

Before I do anything else though, there is one thing I need to get out the way before I can fully move on.
I'm taking a couple of hours out of this already miserable day to open up my old baby album to remember my late grandfathers' at their healthiest and strongest points. That is how I want to remember them. I want to look at the smiles on their faces from those 19 year old photographs
and smile back... then, I'm going to do the hardest part. I'm going to get the necklace my Grandad gave me when I was born (the one I can't bare to look at right now),
and put it around my neck. I'm going to keep it there for as long as I need to. Whenever I feel sad, I'm going to try and look at it and remember that he's no longer suffering.
He's happier now.
I'm sure I'll have more than one weakened, breaking moment, but that's expected.

I miss them both so much. I'll never be able to tell either of them that, but I know that they know I do.

The last couple of days have been an emotional roller-coaster, I've not dealt with it well (or at all really...)
The only time I've truly let myself go is when I got sent home from work to relax, and I took a moody walk down the train tracks to clear my head. I think I should go there more often. It seemed to help. There's something comforting about it there. Its dead silent, with gorgeous scenery near the lagoon edge and there's no worry about trains coming by as its been broken for years. Perfect place to go to when I need some alone time.

I know this feeling won't last forever, I know one day soon I will smile and mean it. Its just a matter of time.

Deaths breath has sent a chill down my protruding spine...

It happened. He passed away. It hasn't hit me. It was coming for such a long time that now it has actually happened, I don't believe it. He's still alive. He's still living in Cape Town and suffering. He isn't dead. Not to me...

I know I'm in denial. I know its not good for me. I know he's gone. I know I'll never be able to tell him I love him again. I can't even remember the last time I did.... I know I'll never get to see him again. But somehow, he's not dead. He can't be!

I have no grandfathers left...

This entry is a waste of time. I am just writing down exactly whats clogging up my heart.

Why do people always leave?

I am trying so hard to be strong, to lock it all up inside. I can't be alone. I can't see his picture. I can't look at the necklace he bought me when I was a new born.

We weren't amazingly close, but he was still a part of me. A part of me that is gone now.

The End

The song 'This is the End' by 'The Doors' seems quite convenient at this moment.

My Grandfather went into a coma a few minutes ago, and it hit me so hard in the pit of my stomach that this really could be the end....

I've been expecting it for so long, but now that it might finally be here, I don't think I could have ever prepared for this feeling.

The feeling is indescribable. My stomach feels light and empty, my eyes keep fighting back tears, I keep gasping in gulps of air, trying to prepare myself to hear the news.

I could never have been ready for this moment. Ever.

And So Ends A Very Interesting Month

Evening bloggers!

... I literally have no words to explain how amazing these past couple of weeks have been!

Had crazy soccer fever! Watched millions of matches (on the television unfortunately!), cheered my ass off and lets just say my liver is in need of some serious TLC! Poor organs been used and abused!

My Grandpa was given 24 hours to live about 3 days ago, and I got really depressed. Turned my phone off and drove hours off into the mountains for the day, then booze eventually lured me back to Knysna! When I turned my phone back on the next day, I didn't have any bad news awaiting me (just a splitting headache!) so I got curious and ventured home... HE'S STILL LIVING!!!!!!! Touch wood!! He was so bad that he couldn't even communicate and now although his body is frail, he's amazingly strong on the inside!!! He's an amazing man for struggling through the agony like this! I know I should want him not to suffer, but I can't deal with a part of me dying right now. I'll be so wrecked.

Lately things have been really unstable in my life. I've been going through so much shit that I honestly don't know how I'd handle losing a part of me like that.

The last 3 days have been absolutely incredible though! 'The Mongs' have been together yet again! And if your a regular reader of my pointless and boring blog (sad life you have!!!!) then you'll know who the MONGS are! Met some people from our home land on Fathers Day as well, and its been such a giggle being around them. They all left this morning to move on with their journey, was a sad goodbye but we're both so excited for them to experience SA to the fullest and have an awesome time!!!!

I have FINALLY put my mind in doing what I want most!!! I have begun saving up for tickets to Rome!!! It is my dream to go there, once I go there, my life will be complete. As I bollucked up my solo 'England Adventure', I've decided to retry the travel thing ONE DAY once I have the cash saved up! Which may be a while considering my uncontrollable shopping urges! - though something tells me this trip may just be a little different <3

Have nothing much else to say!

Working the early morning shift tomorrow so I better boil the kettle, make a cup of tea and snuggle into bed.

Sweet dreams guys, enjoy your weekend!!!!

Little J

Just a catch up

I realize I have neglected my blog for over a month now, and I am out of practice on my writing, so don't expect this blatantly random entry to be very impressive.

My life has made quite a large turn.
The open door I could not find in April, found me. I was skimming through the Action Ads one day when I saw an amazing job opporunity to be a trainee manager and fitness promoter at Curves. I applied straight away, got an interview and shortly after, the owners rang me up and told me I got the job!
So things have been seriously busy lately.

The hours are tough, early starts and late finishes but its worth it. I can honestly say I love my job. I'm around women all day, and the majority of them are friendly and talkative once you get to know them.
I have great a great co-worker and an amazing manager and bosses'.

One other thing.
Lydon and I split up.
It wasn't entirely a mutual decision. I broke things off because the passion dissappeared. It became like best friends, which when I say to people, they tell me that is how it is supposed to be.
Yes, we were best friends for over two and a half years... but there was no passion anymore. I love that guy so much and he knows it. It is up to him, but I would still love it if we could be in each others lives and not throw away two and a half years.
Maybe one day in the future things will change. Maybe all we need is some time apart. Who knows.
It would be no fun if you knew what was going to happen in the future. So I am enjoying the mystery.

Things are changing and I have no clue what the future has in store for me. Its much better than living each day knowing what is going to take place and where I'll be.

As I write this I am quite hungover.
My co-worker, boss and I all went out for All You Can Eat Sushi last night, and my boss introduced my co-worker and I to an extremely potent and evil drink called Sake.
Blargh!!!!
Just thinking of it makes me shudder!

Up early, its only 6am and I'm already at work - I kinda like these early starts though. I don't waste a day in bed when I could be up early, watching the beautiful sunrises out of works windows while I train women in gym.

In other news. My grandpa is still holding on! Its a miracle really. He was so close to the end. His spleen burst the other day and he ended up back in hospital but he recovered fairly quickly. I still haven't gone to see him. I'm too scared. This is when I need a boyfriend to support me the most and give me advice. It makes me so confused because when my Grandpa Leonard passed away all I regretted was not spending more time with him because him and I were so alike. So I just know I'm going to regret not spending time with my Grandpa Jack. But the thought of seeing him so lifeless scares me..... I just need a guy to hold me close and tell me it will all be OK.

OFF the emo topics!!!!!

Umm.... OK I think that's actually pretty much everything that has happened since my last entry!
Someone's here for training so I best be off!

Enjoy your weekend bloggers!

Signing out,

Jade Wright