Hearts of Broken Glass - a song by Jade Lee Wright

I say sorry to my heart, the pain

found out you will never love me, today

all my hopes and dreams, fade so far away

and its there they stay, in the distance

So if I could, I'd shed my heart of you

I'd coat myself in armour, too

Just forget us, forget us, 

Forget us

Lets start over

Lets forget one another

These lonely days will pass

No more hearts of broken glass

But you will always be my past...

Encapsulated, we were in the cold and dark

A twisted forest, as rough as the tree bark

But it was fragile stuff, almost broken from the start

How it lasted as long as it did was an art

Forgot it was all just temporary,

'cause everything comes to an end eventually

Just forget us, forget us

Forget us

Lets start over

Lets forget one another

These lonely days will pass

No more hearts of broken glass

But you will always be my past...

You taught me so, so much

You became my fucking crutch

Wish I'd seen it coming now

Would have stopped it all somehow

But then I ask myself the question,

Would I really have done anything differently, upon reflection

Could I really just forget us, forget us

Forget us

Could I really say...

Lets start over

Lets forget one another

These lonely days will pass

No more hearts of broken glass

No.

'cause you will always be my past

These lonely days will pass

No more hearts of broken glass

You set me free, 

Got my whole life ahead of me

and so I learned today

Sometimes your heart breaks in the right way.

Whole Seabass Recipe and More

As always, my plans to write daily and publish something.. anything.. on this blog, isn't going to go very well this weekend. I'll be busy, away from wifi and from my beloved laptop. Fishing, kayaking, camping up North and paddle-boarding. 

Before I head off, I thought I'd stick to my word and share with you how we cooked the seabass I caught. 

We didn't have a pestle and mortar so we shoved all the following ingredients into a nutri-bullet to pour both inside and outside of the fish.

• 3cm ginger
• 3 garlic cloves
• 2 chillies
• handful of coriander
• 2 squeezed limes
• 1 lemongrass stalk
• Salt and Pepper
• 2 tbsp Olive Oil

We put the fish onto a well oiled piece of foil on a baking tray, basted the fish in the above sauce while the oven was pre-heating at 180 degrees and then slid it in to cook for 30 minutes while we started watching a brilliant horror movie called Hush starring Samantha Sloyan. It's about a woman who has severe hearing loss after catching bacterial meningitis at age 13. She lives a very isolated life  as a writer (I liked her already) in a cottage in the woods (I liked her even more... love cottages, love the woods, love writing and love isolation...). BUT what I don't love is when some creepy psychopath in a mask decides to pray on her for the night.

It was a brilliant movie I found on netflex, very gory and horrific with one of those endings so subtly strange you are left thinking WTF. 

Do you ever find it strange that the things you think about or let into your life suddenly show up after you think about them? I don't really know how to explain that any better. Like, for instance, I was thinking of Stephen King and suddenly I walked past a bookstore that had one of his books in the windowsill. Then I am reading that book, Maybe Someday, about a deaf woman and the movie I watched was conveniently about a deaf woman. I am learning so much about the life of those who suffer from hearing loss and what they have to go through on a daily basis. 

Another way I could explain it is someone had a dream of a friend the other night and then they randomly bumped into that friend on the beach a few days later. Do you get what I mean?? What you think about you attract into your life. That's what I mean! Ding ding ding!! 

Anyway - enough pointless rambles for the day. I'm off to a local Spanish truck-stop / Mallorcean restaurant for breakfast on my way up North to camp and catch some more fish for dinner. 

Start your day off with this song if you have time today: 

Blue Boy - Remember Me (Original Mix). 

It's pretty cool. 

Catching a Seabass, Bookshelf Feng Shui and Maybe Someday by Colleen Hoover

After writing about writers block yesterday and having gotten a lot off of my chest, I think I've figured out what I need to do. 

I need to write every day. Write anything. Thoughts, feeling - document my days like an online journal for the world to see. I am not writing it for anyone else but for me and I truly don't expect anyone else to take the time to read it - but I thank the four bloggers who have been there to read my words since almost the beginning.. Lindsay, Launna, Sonia and Ginger. Writing isn't something I want to let go of and you four have given me some sort of inspiration I'm grasping hold of. I'm trying. 

So these words and these posts aren't going to be ground-breaking. Hell, the writings probably going to be pretty shitty if I'm honest... but it's a start so that I can venture back into words and creativity and eventually rediscover that passion that I have for it. I just hope to God it comes back to me before November as I desperately want to take part in Nanowrimo which is a national novel writing month. Basically, you have a month to write 50,000 words - a complete novel. I have always wanted to take part but it's always been my busiest time at work so this year, finally, I'm going to do it.

So I guess what I'm going to do right now is write about my day so far... which I'm sure won't interest you at all but I'm doing it for my benefit to help my writing. You don't have to read it if you don't want to. It's a free world and all that... 

I woke up early, guzzling a coffee down my throat before dragging the kayak down to Cala Major beach which is where I live these days, on an island called Mallorca in Spain. 

After netting some live bait, I took a long paddle around the caves watching the sunrise with two rods cast out and trailing along behind me. It took some time for the first bite to come but when it did, it was a huge fish! I have no idea what sort of fish it was, I tried to reel it in but ended up losing it. I was pretty gutted as I unhooked my little bait fish who had lost all its scales in the process of the predator attack. I chucked the little fish back into the water and it hid beneath my kayak, hiding away until I paddled off with one of its friends now dangling off the end of my hook (sounds horrific and so inhumane.... I know!).

When the next bite came I was determined to catch it. It was well hooked and after a bit of a fight, I managed to reel it in. I'm still amazed by how strong fish are. 

It turned out to be such a beautiful catch too! A seabass. What would have cost me over 50 Euro at the market, I got for free with a wonderful morning paddle, fresh air and a salty breeze. Good eating too - and I plan on eating it tonight for dinner. I'm sure I'll share the recipe and pictures of the meal with you tomorrow. 

As I am currently unemployed for pretty much the first time in my entire life - I scoured the internet for jobs on the yachts for most of the morning after getting back from the beach. Once I'd applied to a few jobs here and there I decided to get down and dirty in the kitchen. And no, I'm not being kinky. It needed a deep cleaning. So I put on some youtube videos and listened to them in the background while I scrubbed away the grease for an hour or two. It felt so good to see the kitchen sparkling again that it drove me to do some feng shui around the house too! 

The bookshelf (which holds none of my books by the way... my books are still taking up the majority of my clothing cupboard space!) has been bothering me for a while now. Call me OCD but there was just no order to it. It was messy, dusty and didn't look 'proud.' So.... I redecorated!

The cookbooks are now all together and not scattered about around the house. The surfing / fishing / diving / boats and travel books take up the second shelf and the novels have all been alphabetically arranged by the authors surname on the third shelf. 

Do you notice a bit of a difference?

Speaking of bookshelves and books... I FINALLY picked up a Colleen Hoover book. Maybe Someday. She's an author I have been interested in for some time after all of the great things I hear about her work both through Booktube and Bookstagram. 

I'm almost 100 pages into the book now (it's the 26th book I've read this year so far,) and I am loving it despite the fact that the cover makes me want to vomit. 

One thing about the book I like is that it has a soundtrack - which is very much like my own book, The Other Woman, which has every chapter titled with a song. I thought my idea to accompany music with a book was quite unique but looks like Hoover beat me to it. Damn.

Her book is nothing like mine so far though. It's a gorgeous story about a girl who finds out that her boyfriend and best friend are screwing each other on her 22nd birthday. OK, that parts not so gorgeous but... there's this guy that plays the guitar on his balcony from across the courtyard and she is so enraptured with his music on her own balcony that one day they start communicating. It turns out that he needs help writing lyrics for his music. Music that he can feel - not hear... because he's deaf. That is quite a lot like Pete Tong really, the Ibiza DJ whose love for music even after he went deaf completely inspired me (see!!!! I need that same sort of love these musicians have back for my writing!!) but at the same time it is nothing like crazy Pete Tong at all. It's a romance... I think (it's still early days). It's gentle. It's pure. I'm just thoroughly enjoying it. 

Since I've joined the booktube / bookstagram community I have been reading some pretty amazing books. Two that have REALLY stood out to me so far over the past few months are Asking for It by Louise O'Neill (watch my video review on that book HERE) and All The Bright Places by Jennifer Niven which I haven't had a chance to film a review on just yet. 

I'm so happy I've been able to find a place where I can share my love of literature... the written word. 

*

The weathers not great today. It's still ridiculously humid, but the clouds have hidden away the sun... so for the rest of the day other than religiously refreshing the Palma Yacht Crew facebook page in search of jobs, I plan on listening to Of Monsters and Men which has fast become my new favorite band (sorry Mumford!!!!) and reading. 

Later on I'm hoping to go fishing again too before slapping the seabass on to cook. 

That's what a day of unemployment looks like for me right now I suppose. 

The Writer That Doesn't Write... I am an Enigma.

Hey guys (the 0.01% of you that actually read me...), been a while.

The writer that doesn't write... I heard those words a few days ago, five different words of the English language, arranged to describe me perfectly. 

Just to open up this long ago abandoned blog, I had to crack open the wine. Can I even call myself a writer anymore? I look at the two books I have written, bound in paperback - I can hold them and I can feel them. The thickness of the spine. The breeze from the pages fluttering close to my face as I run my thumb along the corners of the book. They are mine. I created them... those worlds, those characters, those stories. I did, didn't I? So why doesn't it feel like it right now? It all feels so surreal. When did I find the time, the energy and the patience to DO that? Where did I get the inspiration??? I look at the neglected document lying in my MacBooks desktop - my third novel. Possibly my best novel. I know that even though it's only a few chapters in. It's some of the best writing I have ever done and I remember when I'd been working on it, it had given me shivers it was that good. Then this writers block came and has taken away the last thing I was proud of in my life. 

I can feel it is still in me somewhere - that deepness, those words... it's swelling up inside of me somewhere but I just can't find where. 

Why is it that when your heart breaks and your life as you know if gets destroyed in one, quick fluid movement, you take it out on what you used to love the most. I'm the only one to blame for my writers block. I've wasted an entire year of my life avoiding putting my fingertips back onto my keyboard now - a year!! I only realise now how much writing I could have done it that time. 

I remember when I was writing my first two books, one of which I wrote while still in school (which obviously explains my terrible school reports actually...). I'd always make time for writing, because it was the one thing that was always mine. It was the one thing that could never hurt me. I'd shut my bedroom door, drowning out the awful sounds of my parents alcohol-induced arguments and I'd write. I'd tap away at my keyboard until the sun would rise and I would get such a shock at how I just lost myself in my imagination and words. It's the only time I have ever felt passion like that... and now it's gone. Or it's hiding. I want to call out and find it again. I miss it. I want it. But I can't. Or maybe it's because I'm telling myself I can't... 

When does it all get better? When does the pain and humiliation go away??? I try so hard to forget about it and be OK - I smile at everyone I see and I laugh, a laugh that isn't exactly false... but it could be better. It could be better if I had my writing back. That's why I am writing this... because maybe if I just write something, even just mindless rambles of someone who lost her fiance and had her life ripped away from her right before her eyes.. someone who has run away from her closet at home that holds her wedding dress she'll never wear.. someone whose given up on ever finding someone who will truly love her... because she hasn't heard the word 'love' for the longest time unless you factor in her mother.. but a mothers love is by default.. so maybe if i just write, even if it's shit, even if it's THIS... maybe somehow, digging through all these words is like draining the water from spaghetti. I'm draining out what I don't need, so that I can get to the good stuff. 

Someone told me today that I remind them of the female version of David Duchovny who plays Hank Moody in Californication... and although I like to think that I am unique, I do see things in his character that are so like me. I went onto google and asked it to describe Hank's personality to me to see what exactly it is that we have in common. First and foremost, he's a writer. So we have that. But besides his ridiculously cool profession which I wish I could have too (God, imagine just taking a year off to write a book..... that would be my dream. If I had the money, I would)... Hank (and I) are complex individuals.  We are enigma's. We create a facade so that no one can get to know the real us. 

It's safer that way. We are family orientated even though our families are as broken as you can get. We don't let people in. We have a hard exterior but those close to us are as loved as you could possibly ever be. Reckless (I'm trying so hard not to be the reckless me I have always been lately. I have overcome so many hurdles from my past with the wrong crowds and bad decisions...), impulsive and passionate. We are kids that refuse to grow up. We believe in creative freedom (I'm just not practicing mine right now...). Futhermore, we are eccentric. We are free. No one can tame us. He is just like me in so many ways.

There's another character from a different show that I also find myself relating to in more ways than one. Peyton Sawyer from One Tree Hill. Fucking hell she's been through a lot. She and I are Creative, music-lovers, different and quirky... people always fuck us over so it's just easier to push everyone away... we know we push everyone away but we can't help it... we get scared. Because if we get to that stage of trusting, of putting our faith into you completely, we know it is bound to come to an end anyway. Nothing lasts forever. Everything is temporary. It's important to know that in life. 

God, I don't even know why I wrote all of that. I just had to get it out. 

Rape, Slut Shaming, Victim Blaming

This is the best book I have ever read... and I have a lot to say about it and what it is about (rape, slut-shaming and victim-blaming):