I got a message from my ex last night. It read, 'Do you know we would have been together for two years today exactly?"
When I read those words, I was in complete shock. I hadn't been thinking about dates and times; or even the past for that matter - so when I replied back that no, I actually didn't know it would have been our anniversary today, he was quite hurt.
It got me thinking about the last two years. How life has changed. Where I was then to how I am now.
I went over to a good friend of mine, Gareth, last night. I'd offered him a helping hand with unpacking boxes from his move and also came baring wine and chinese takeouts.
We managed to unpack all of one box - all kitchenware goodies that we unravelled from newspaper and set up in their allocated cabinets and cupboards.
We then retired to his hideously pink sofa, (not his bad taste, more the owner of the log cabin! I have told him that I'll buy him throws as a house warming gift!) and played a rather frustrating game of Scrabble.
As we are both wordsmiths and obvious old souls - the competition was on! We got a little silly and added words that no one else would have let us get away with but we had some fun nonetheless and I kicked his ass - as I knew I would! (Hehe...)
Gareth gave me some really wise words that I left the cabin with last night.
He said that every soul that connects are there in that specific moment to teach you or show you something. Every person is a messenger. Every person is a guide sent from beyond.
No matter what happens with the person who enters your life at that point in time, they enter it for a specific reason. Whether it be good or bad.
He also suggested that no matter what happens to you - it is you that lets that happen to you. Good or bad.
All the elements come into play and give you the lesson you are needing in that moment and somehow, even if it is something you do not enjoy, something bad, you made that happen.
It made complete and utter sense to me.
I may never know why certain people entered my world. I may never understand some of those defining moments in my life that broke me apart as a person and tested my soul at every limit. But I don't think I need to.
Two years ago, in March 2011, I was a broke, skinny waitress after having quit my job as a personal trainer at Curves. After having my heart severely broken, I finally found Shaun. At first, we were the couple that everyone admired. Every person we came across would tell us they dream of having a relationship like ours one day.
I lost a few friends from pursuing Shaun - but I was 100% confident that he was someone special that I couldn't ignore.
Once people started to realize that this wasn't just a three-week fling, people simmered down and let us be.
I quit smoking - which was hard and even earlier this year I'd still have the occasional puff when I went out to a pub, (now though, not one scrap of me cares for a ciggie...).
Shaun confessed that he loved me nearing the end of May 2011 - and the story behind that confession is absolutely hilarious. I don't think I will ever live down my reaction:
I finished my first novel and finally started the editing process, which was completed in early 2013. Walk With Me took all of my motivation and dedication but I was so proud of myself.
I got a tattoo in 2011 of an African symbol called, 'Sankofa.' It means learning from the past.
This tattoo meant the world to me and I remember not telling anyone that I was getting it done, coming to visit Shaun with a big surprise on the back of my neck!!
I've always been a spur-of-the-moment, free-spirit.
My surfing slowly started to diminish - but on the rare occasion that Michael did take me out, I saw the improvement each time. There was no happier moment for me that riding a wave - no matter how silly and goofy I looked.
I then invested my time in a make-up artistry course after my time was free from writing my novel. After a few months, I qualified with distinctions.
After having an extremely bad accident in my beautiful Honda Jazz.. I finally got a new car, a little blue Nissan Micra equipped with roof-racks! I named her Blue Crush.
Entering 2012, this became my year of complete spiritual awakening.
"Nobody wants to read a morbid blog so instead, I am going to use my sadness of now to fight for happiness," - that was one of my favorite snippets of writing I did in January 2012.
I started to work at Pezula Spa & Gym after half a year at an advertising agency where I made best friends with the office fax machine.
This is when Shaun and I started to change. Where things got rocky.
I remember our first breakup like it was yesterday. It was the 15th January and I felt so completely betrayed that I ended things and truly thought that it was over.
When blogging on our breakup this is what I had wrote, "Shaun became a huge piece of me, probably the largest piece of me actually.
I’m sure sooner or later I will forgive him for his mistakes and we can move forward slowly, one step at a time. But as for now I still need to give the wound time to scab over. "
I’m sure sooner or later I will forgive him for his mistakes and we can move forward slowly, one step at a time. But as for now I still need to give the wound time to scab over. "
Shaun and I rekindled our relationship just before Valentines Day, what a lovely convenience....... *insert sarcasm here*
We went camping at The Old Drift where I was more than happy to boil my whistle kettle and dance around a fire. Rose petals were scattered along the sand like red polka dots and he really did his best to make the evening perfect.
I lost my best friend in March of 2012. This is where things got bad again for a while, until I decided to take it out from pen to paper.
Writing, real writing, should leave a small sweet bruise somewhere on the writer ... and on the reader.
Losing him, hardened me. I no longer cared about acceptance from others. I finally woke up and realized that not everyone is going to get on with you and you can either spend your whole life fretting over why you aren't good enough, or you can focus on the people that think you are good enough and appreciate them for all that it is worth.
That is exactly what I did - and I have never looked back.
Entering my twenty-first year of life, I went blonde. Some would say mentally and physically...
They didn't understand that I was in a major process of transforming. I was moving into my first house with Shaun - which eventually flooded and we had to move.
We adopted two beautiful cats together and one incredible white wolf.
After livin together for a while, I realized that Shaun & I were not going to be together forever and as much as I tried to salvage us, I was really just watching our relationship fall apart around me.
We had no time to miss each other. I cannot tell you why we finally let go... why it didn't work. Some things are too personal to type to the world, but a lot of factors came into play and I knew it was for the best to bring it to the end before it destroyed both of our souls.
Fragile, alone and scared... this is when I found God.
The story of this is spine-chilling and I'm not shy to talk about it.
I don't agree with shoving Christianity down people's throats or preaching... that is not me. I don't go to Church or read the bible... but the new found friendship and understanding I have is my little sanctuary.
The story of how I experienced God in my life can be found below... it isn't like he came up to me and started chatting to me! It was different.. a feeling, a moment...
Entering 2013... I finally left the cottage that I lived in with Shaun. I moved back in with my folks, finally realizing that it really was truly done. That first step forwards to closing one chapter and beginning another is possibly one of the hardest things imaginable... but somehow I did it.
Now, three months down the line... a lot of the anger and pain I feel has mellowed and I remember the good times.
I know we will never be together again - but my hopes are that at some stage, we can put the past behind us and give each other a smile. To be able to ask how we are and catch up. Nothing overly serious... we'll never have the friendship we had before and I know that, I don't want that anymore. But beneath our faults, we are good people and to be able to just say, 'Hey, you look well,' and smile... that's a dream I know is tangible.
I don't think you ever think you'll move back home to your folks once you've lived alone... and it is hard to adapt back into their lifestyle.
With my dad's illness it also makes things hard and complicated but I must say that lately, I have been feeling more like me than ever before.
I blog often, read, write, laugh, sing, relax, cook . . I'm about to go and backpack my way through Europe, a life changing event that I am ready for.
I am maturing. I am growing up. I have learned many, many lessons over the past two years and Shaun was one of the biggest messengers in my life. Now it is time to travel, to go across the globe and spread my sub-conscious messages to people I'll meet along the way; and embrace messages that they will teach me.... good or bad.
I am ready.
My arms are open.
