Take Back My Life

My life has taken a major turn. Things have changed. I thought I was going to be a wife within the next six months. I was a fiance. I was happy. But now I have a wedding dress collecting dust. A dress I'm never going to wear. My ring finger is empty and my heart is shattered. It’s taken a lot for me to be able to finally write this down. I couldn’t for weeks now. It still hurts – and I’d be lying if I told you I haven’t been going to bed every night and crying myself to sleep.

A friend of mine, Tara over at Where Is Tara sent me a song (Fight Song by Rachel Platten) to try and cheer me up. To be honest, I couldn’t believe how completely perfect it was for my current … situation?

The lyrics – the strength.. even the music video was bang on perfect for what I am busy going through. Since the split, I have been focusing on just being me. Taking back my life and reconnecting with long lost friends. I’m overwhelmed by just how many people have been there to support me and try to make me smile.  

To me, this music video is following a heartbroken girl with a wardrobe literally completely replicating my own – who is trying to be OK. She’s going to be strong and move on. She’s got fight left in her which I really thought I didn't over the last few weeks. I was an absolute wreck… literally while my engagement was crumbling to dust my grandmother dropped dead. I moved into my own flat which was really exciting but living alone is lonely at times and I’m not used to that – and now I don’t even have Sam to be there.

Why did we break up? Well... there were many reasons and some I don't feel right about sharing with the world. But I can say that we both made huge mistakes... mistakes that were impossible to recover from. I wish him all of the best even with all of the hurt that has been done. That's really all I can say. 

So right now I'm just going to do what Rachel Platten sings about in this beautiful, encouraging song:

"Fight Song"

Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Losing friends and I'm chasing sleep
Everybody's worried about me
In too deep
Say I'm in too deep (in too deep)
And it's been two years
I miss my home
But there's a fire burning in my bones
Still believe
Yeah, I still believe

And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

A lot of fight left in me

Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

This is my fight song (Hey!)
Take back my life song (Hey!)
Prove I'm alright song (Hey!)
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong (I'll be strong)
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

No I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Here's a couple of my memories over the past couple of weeks since my life, my future and everything about me changed. I think I'm living up to the song pretty well... as best I can anyway:

Meeting one of my long lost friends first baby! God... a) I'm getting old... b) my life really is going no where! Jokes...

Of course my best friend, Lucien, has been here all the time to support me and give me unconditional love. 

Then of course, one of my 'would-have-been' Bridesmaids.. Chanel.. precious girl time getting CRUNK in clubs and dancing our absolute asses off!

A disastrous amount of shooter which lead to this:

Don't ask.... just watch.

Reconnecting with an entire group of long lost friends... 

Endangering my life with fire dancing... I actually did burn myself....

Nephew time....

 Oh right.... a couple of you wanted pictures of my new flat. Well - there hasn't been many. I haven't had the time and there isn't really much to photograph to be fair... but I've included two below which I'm sure will do for now at least...

Enjoying a morning coffee in my cute little flat (v. proud of my bookshelf BTW!!)

 Right now, no, I'm not alright... but I will be. Time will heal my heartbreak and I will take my life back. As you can see, I've already started.