Today is supposed to be the start of my new life. It's supposed to be exciting... and it is... yet today is bringing with it memories. Haunting memories like when I moved to Spain to be with someone. It turned out to be the worst year of my life. It has scarred me both physically and emotionally forever - and it is ruining what should be such a special day for me.
I even woke up with a horrific dream about my ex fiance. It wasn't a night terror like I used to get, but it was almost worse. I don't want either him or Slimy Simey taking up any part of my life now yet it seems I cannot escape them.
Before meeting this handsome Aussie, I'd made certain rules which I mention in some of my previous blog posts. Some of them were as follows:
Never trust anyone ever again.
Never let your guard down.
Never open up to anyone.
Never ever put someone before myself again.
Never move to be with someone.
Never fall in love.
Handsome Aussie has me breaking all of those rules. All. Of. Them.
A part of me wants to scream at myself, tell myself I never learn. Another part of me is proud that my past experiences hasn't completely broken me. I thought it had. I thought I was going to be a cynical, bitter woman for the rest of my days... no exaggeration.
It's still having a huge impact on my life. Certain little things eat away at me like an aggressive cancer. It's something I need to work on myself... my confidence has just been shattered and I hate that. I used to be the most secure, confident person. I miss her. I never used to have trust issues. I wish there was an easy way to fix it. Part of me worries that I am broken in a way that can never be repaired... but wouldn't you be, too? What I went through is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. The deceit, the mind-games, the absolute disgust and the hurt... the pain. The abuse. It was a nightmare.
Handsome Aussie didn't understand why I got so emotional, irritated and angry the other day when he tried to talk to me about my time in Spain. He doesn't understand that it's something I wish I could forget. He made a point saying there must be some good memories from my time there and yes, while there were, they make me sick to my stomach... because it was all a lie. I had the sheets pulled over my eyes the entire time and I looked like an absolute idiot to everyone around me.
It's something I would pay to forget because if I could, I'd be able to trust handsome Aussie now... and while a huge part of me feels like he deserves all of my trust in the world, another part of me is too cautious. And there have been certain things that have me worried. Obviously he was with other people when he was traveling after we met and that doesn't really bother me. I knew about it and he never tried to hide it... but there's other things. Things I'm still trying to work through in my head before I feel comfortable enough sharing them on this stupid online journal that absolutely no one reads. This is just my unedited release of my emotions I suppose.I'm proud of myself that I'm working towards this exciting future with him despite my concerns and my nerves. It's far from where I imagined my life ending up. The plan for 2018 was always to pack up and live a minimalist life in Bali, finally writing my novel. I'd finally made it a plausible option; a reality... and just as I was in the final planning stages, handsome Aussie crashes into my existence and alters everything.
I'm this blend of terrified and excited all at once.
