Someday Your Ocean Will Find Its Shore

New year, new chance, new boyfriend and new beginnings.

Starting my blog off fresh, no longer dwelling on the past. All the things I had yet to answer, all the stories with no ends, will be kept that way. I am now looking towards the future, writing about 2011 and 2011 alone.

With a New Year, comes New Year Resolutions... these were mine:

1) Put a fixed amount of my salary into my savings account at the end of every month for the next 12 month (saving towards my Italy trip that I will one day embark on!)

2) De-clutterize my room (could take a while!)

3) Drink & smoke less (so far not going as planned...)

4) Don't give up on surfing, keep it up and get good! (just got my first board! So far, so good!)

5) Take up new things I.E yoga, jogging, cooking classes, horse-riding etc.

2010 was a pretty unstable year for me. Splitting up with Lydon after a three year relationship made me get my first real taste of freedom and I took full advantage of it. After we split, I chopped off the majority of my hair, dyed it platinum blonde, got new piercings & tattoo's... My ultimate goal is to make 2011 a better and more stable year. I have met a great guy that may be able to help me with that! We've seen each other around and about for a few years but after my family abandoned me of Christmas night to go party, I decided to ditch the sweats and chick flicks, and head out for drinks at Cornuti's. I saw him in the crowd and decided to say hello. Instant sparks.

We had a wonderful couple of hours together. In those few hours I realized that he treated me better than anyone had in a long, long time. Both sad and lovely!

On Boxing Day he'd made prior arrangements to leave before the sun rose for the Transkei with some buddies. He was gone for eleven days.

It has been tough getting over Michael, but I've finally moved on. I finally realized that I never stood a chance. I did think it would take a lot longer to move on, but when you find something great, you have to seize the moment.

Funie and I have spent a grand total of four days together so far, each one of them has been filled with great memories and lots of smiles. When he got back on Thursday, we met on the Yellowbrick Road behind Fruit & Veg City and took our dogs for a walk along the lagoon side.

We went out for a couple of drinks afterwards and eventually ended up back at his house. I was insanely tired and closed my eyes on his bed for a few minutes. He was lying besides me. Reluctantly and slowly I parted my lashes after a few minutes, knowing I needed to head home. I felt his hands stroking my cheek. Even though my eyes had been closed, he'd been lying there watching me drift off.

"Your so pretty." he whispered.

Friday night we headed out to Zanzibar with a couple of his friends and everyone was coming up to me asking if he was my new boyfriend. I laughed and told him what they were asking and he looked at me with a serious expression on his face and said, "Do you want me to be?" and that's how we became official!

Since then we've already been surfing together twice, I've met his lovely family and even had dinner with his sister and her hubby tonight.

So life has taken a strange and unexpected turn. I'm enjoying not knowing what's coming. This life can bring you so many amazing surprises, you just need to welcome them.

I've started living by a beautiful quote that has started to make me things so differently. Amazing how a couple of words can do that to you:

Someday Your Ocean Will Find Its Shore.

Freelance Journalist

I have been thrown into the deep end... In a world that I know nothing about.
Chantelle, my co-worker, was stopped in town the other afternoon and a lady called Abigail asked her if she would ever be interested in writing for their up and coming newspaper. Chantelle laughed in their faces, "Me?! A writer?" she giggled, then she thought for a second and remembered me. "I do have a friend though, who loves writing, you should give her a call," she gave over my contact number and I waited a couple of days before an SMS arrived through on my phone, telling me that I have an interview.
At first I thought it would be a breeze, but closer to the time my heart began to thump and my hands trembled from my nerves. I suddenly realized that this could be a fundamental part of my life, giving me experience in the workforce that I hope to end up in. I realized that if I messed this interview up, I could potentially lose my dream forever.

I arrived at the interview, surrounded by crowds of other people, all applying for the same position it would seem. I had yet to learn that there were thousands of positions being offered, depending on the candidates strengths and interests.
We were sent into the interview room in bulk, all gathered around a table, trying to pull ourselves together and come forward as a confident individual perfect for their business.

As many of you know, I am one of the least racist people you could find, so I say this in the most harmless and innocent way possible: I was the only white person applying to work with these people. The only fairer skinned person I came across was the CEO of the company. This intimidated me as I wondered just how prestigious this place could be, how far it would get me; and a million other things ran through my mind that made me doubt whether I was right for this job.

The interviewers asked us many of the usual questions you would get in any normal interview... What were our strengths and weaknesses? Why do you think you would be a good person to work for us? They then added in a question that I believe we were all least expecting... How do we think the economy is South Africa is?
Again being the only white person - this question was a struggle for me, having eyes of different races melting through my skin (or at least that is what it felt like). I was always the first in the group that had to answer the questions, so I fed off of no one else's confidence and wisdom. It was petrifying, but I ploughed through and the newspaper would like me to become a freelance journalist with them.
I need to hand in a piece of writing, showing my writing potential, by Thursday. They said that it could be based on anything. A make-believe article, a story, anything... I doubt that they would be interested in my little romance novels I have stored on my PC.
What do you write to impress a newspaper that has given you no lead on the sort of thing they are interested in reading from you?

I have reached a plateau in my writing. Better put... I am stumped.

Welcome to Heart Break Street

Feeling so low tonight... I don't know why.

Feels like I'm going to explode into an outrageous flood of tears at any moment.

The roller coaster ride with Michael and I continued for a short while, where I had never felt happier. Although we never put labels to it, he began to treat me as a girlfriend and the smile could never be wiped off my face around him.

I fell.

Madly, truly and deeply in love.

He didn't even have to try, he made me effortlessly happy. But again, family came first, and things had to end.

It shouldn't be so hard. It should be a choice between two people, if it feels right then why not be together!? No one else matters when you know your happy. For once I put myself before all others, but as hard and as determined as I fought, it was not good enough. I'd never fought so hard for anything. I poured my heart and soul out.

I still feel so greatly for him, but I know its over. We can't be together. It's like a modern day Romeo and Juliet. I waited for two months until I eventually realized nothing is ever going to happen. So I moved on, trying to forget my heartache.

We are still friends. We still surf together and we're still off to the Transkei in December, a lot of people tell me its weird, but if they only knew how much Michael and I got along, they would understand. I would rather have him in my while as a friend, than nothing at all. I know nothing is going to happen again, there would be no point because it would just lead me to more heart pain. But friends I can manage.

We never shut up around each other, we always have fun times and adventures, I wouldn't give that up. He's really like a best friend to me. I love him in a way that I want him to be happy, whether it be with someone else, as long as he's happy. I just want him there as a friend above all else.

The pain in my heart surfaces sometimes - like tonight I guess. I feel pathetic and useless, I can't turn to him because I really don't want to harm the relationship I have left with him.

The castles that we built were so tall, it only left is further to fall....

I know my heart will heal, slowly. Its going to take a good while though :(

Sunday

So its a cold and rainy night. I am sitting in my room with a mug filled with delicious smelling coffee, I can hear the rain falling to the dampened grass outside and I can see the water droplets slowly slipping down my window pane. I don't know what it is about weather like this, but it always puts me in a creative mood.

Nothing ever blossomed between me and the cute waiter who I so boldly gave my number to. He's a nice guy, but as it turned out, we just didn't connect. Not in the way that Michael and I did anyway. With Michael, every moment is perfect. We fit into each others arms so amazingly. There was never an uncomfortable moment, never the slightest bit of awkwardness.

I can' put into words the connection that Michael and I have; which frustrates me because putting feelings down from a pen to paper is what I do! Its my passion, and now there are no words to describe what Michael and I share.

Right now I'm hovering my fingers over the key-board, listening to The Cat Empire and just wanting to write - but I can't think of anything to say.............

I may be going to the Transkei in December, I have leave that I can take from work and since I have taken up surfing again I've got a couple of buddies going there to catch some waves, so I may join them for the journey!

OH! I learnt a pretty valuable lesson a couple of weeks back. DO NOT TRUST ANYONE. I always trust far too easily and confide in people when I am going through something tough, and me being as naive as I am, would never think they would go and spread my private life around the whole of the western cape... but apparently they would.

People these days are just after a good bit of gossip, so that they have five seconds of being everyones greatest interest.

I need to start dealing with my personal situations by myself and find the answers without help from others. I need to deal with things in a way that I choose and not rely on other peoples advice. Its a great build up of your inner self and strengthens your whole being.

Blonde hair is far to high maintenance for me. Dying it back to my lovely and wonderful dark curtain on the 2nd of November. Got an email from a great photographer that wants to do a shoot with me, but in order to do the shoot I need to have dark hair again - so its win win!

Blonde is great, it makes me feel much more beautiful, but its just not me. Cannot WAIT for my hair to grow again either! Cutting it all off was the worst mistake I've ever made.

My tattoo is still a bit scabby and still can't get it wet, which makes bathing and surfing so difficult! But soon it will be all healed up and ready to show off to the word!

Now I am just writing a load of boring junk that is not worthy of publishing... thinking of high lighting it all and pressing backspace.. but then in a couple of months when I re-read this entry at least I'll sit back and have a good laugh.

So I'm off, going to pour myself a nice glass of red, run a bath and read a book! Delightful Sunday night :)

Death of Love

My fairy tale with Michael ended. He told me it was because we could never get married due to the family issues, with Kane in my past and also because I'm still 19 and have my own dreams that he wants me to follow.

Of course my heart shattered into pieces. I got angry and told him to make his mind up and stick to it for once, as it had always been a bit of a roller-coaster ride with him.

I am looking for something serious; so I'm not going to wait around for nothing.

We are friends now. Still hang out every so often and I get to see the puppy.

Finally got my tattoo I've been wanting for over a year too!!! So stoked with it. Couple of things I want to touch up and add to it but for now its awesome.

Was really proud of myself too, because I sat through the whole tattoo by myself, no one was there to hold my hand! Faced and conquered my fear!!!! :)

Did something pretty different last week. Chantelle and I went for lunch at this small Italian cafe, and I thought the waiter was good looking. Totally my type and totally not at the same time. He's sort of rugged looking, with tattoo's and a very stylish fashion sense. He wears dark rimmed glasses and has blonde hair and blue eyes.

Apparently as Chantelle was trying to order her food he wouldn't stop looking at me. She only decided to tell me after we left and I went into another cafe, grabbed a pen and paper and wrote my number down for him. Chantelle took it back to him and I was expecting him to wait a couple of days before contacting me. About 2 hours later I got a message.

We began flirting away and met up for a drink a few days later. We got on pretty well and decided on a second date :)

Friday night I couldn't get home because there was a big road block and we'd all been out drinking, so he said I could stay at his place in town.

It was a very sweet night. He cuddled me close all night, stroking my back and giving me soft kisses. It didn't go any further.
I've realized now that guys aren't going to respect you if you just give it all up on the first night, and I'm not that sort of girl. I really respect him for not trying to go further too. It really surprised me and made me feel so good about myself.

Saturday night we put on a movie called Shutter Island (FUCKED UP MOVIE!!!!) and he made is the most delicious Italian dinner and pudding I've ever tasted!!! We fell asleep on his couch, me in his arms. He woke me up at 3am to ask if I was comfortable and warm.

As I said, I am looking for something serious and so far he is a great guy that I'd love to carry on seeing, but another thing I've recently learnt is to not get your hopes up. Majority of the time you just end up being disappointed. So we'll see what happens, guess I'm just scared to get hurt again.