tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30160308188650394412024-03-25T13:57:29.504+00:00Words and Wine with JadeI NEED A HUG(e)... Glass Of Wine! Jade Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10058971746438279217noreply@blogger.comBlogger531125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3016030818865039441.post-89810186167008865132021-02-05T06:30:00.001+00:002021-02-05T06:30:10.372+00:00Bloody Horoscopes......<div>Okay horoscope.... now that you have my full attention I've downloaded an app onto my phone called Daily Horoscope. Happy now? And once again this morning you have been rather spookily accurate. </div><div>Firstly, yesterday my horoscope mentioned a machine will break down and low and behold my laptop which has been on its last legs for a while now decided to have another one of its fits on me and stopped working. I have a question for you horoscope.... HOW. DO. YOU. KNOW?! </div><div><br /></div><div>THEN..... on this new fancy free Daily Horoscope app on my phone this morning it said: <i>Instead of worrying about the cost of something you may inadvertently acquire today, Taurus, think about what it </i>brings you. And LOW AND BEHOLD..... my first direct debit for my car insurance graced me with its presence this morning. It has been a bloody expensive week. Thank goodness it's a short month. </div><div><br /></div><div>For tomorrow, Saturday, it says I may be on the verge of repeating a mistake. Yippy.... A certain conversation always takes me down a certain path, it says. My only conversation I can think that is about is being totally blunt with men about the things I want in life. Well.... I KNOW I do that but if I don't then I could potentially be wasting both of our time.... I know I need to work on just enjoying life for a while though and to stop focusing on such big things. It's something I've always struggled with really. I don't really know how to change that mind-set. I need some FUN in my life... that's pretty obvious. So maybe tomorrow, whatever happens, I'll just try to have fun and let go of those big questions and worries and the insurmountable pressure I put onto myself. </div><div><br /></div><img alt="post signature" class="left" src="http://i1349.photobucket.com/albums/p749/Jade_Lee_Wright/791FD49FBC060AE7AB62790F133C11D3_zpse18afd29.png" />Jade Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10058971746438279217noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3016030818865039441.post-33360220278678539892021-02-04T18:32:00.003+00:002021-02-04T18:32:42.838+00:00Alright stars... you win. I believe you now. <div>Alright stars... you win. I believe you now. </div><div><br /></div><div>I've been reading up on my horoscope from time to time, seeing what silly stuff life has in store for me according to my star sign, Taurus. Lately though, my horoscope has been spookily accurate. </div><div>Not only did I get a horoscope reading last month saying that I'd be collecting a set of keys for a vehicle and low and behold, later that week I got a car. </div><div>It said stuff like how in love terms, I'm getting ready to share deep knowledge with "M...." and my exes name begins with an M..... and low and behold last week I told him this entire experience has made me realize what I'm worth and that he doesn't deserve me. That was a really powerful moment for me, to finally stand my ground and be OK with the breakup. And I meant every word, too. </div><div>Today, if you read my below post, my horoscope basically told me I was going to be an emotional wreck today. The first half of the day was OK. I mean, I couldn't complain. I had a yummy smoothie from my new NutriBullet I just bought for myself (call it an early Valentines Day gift). I had a job to go to with really nice colleagues. But as the day went on I can't explain it.... my mood just plummeted. I started thinking way too much about life. That's always dangerous, especially if you're me. <br />I just got to thinking about how I'm almost 30 and back on dating sites... and the mundane conversations you have with people. The same shit all the time: Hi. How are you? What do you do? How was your day? Blah fucking blah. I'm over it. And then I think back to year ago when I was using Tinder and how I was so mellow about it and I met people so easily. We can't do that anymore. Covid-19 has really made it hard to connect with someone the 'normal' way. You can't go out to a restaurant or the zoo. I mean, at the beginning of lockdown I had socially distanced dates. I got serenaded in a field overlooking a lake with an acoustic guitar by a musician while I sipped happily on a glass of wine and reveled in every women's envy as they walked by. It was lovely. Very romantic. But he just wasn't for me. The thing is, he was TOO clingy. He wouldn't leave me the fuck alone. I know what you're about to say. Pump the breaks.. hold up Jade, that's exactly what you wanted!? Someone to give you their undivided attention. I DON'T KNOW people of the internet. I don't know what my problem was then. I just KNEW he wasn't 'The One...' before the clinginess began really so when that kicked in I got probably unnecessarily annoyed. See, I love affection. I LOVE words of affirmation, it's my love language for Gods sake. I love feeling SPECIAL not that I actually know what that feels like (I guess I'd love to know). But I also like space. And if we are together in the same room, yeah the occasional coming up behind me to wrap your arms around me while I'm cooking and giving me a kiss on the neck is lovely. A welcome distraction at times.... but this musician was CONSTANTLY all over me and I couldn't stand it. I'm not used to it. I think, after what I've been through, affection is something that you're going to need to slowly work out of me. I used to be the most loving, affectionate and caring girl in the world.... but life happened and I hardened up. Yeah I'm still a massive softie. I cry too easily. I feel things too deeply. But the affection thing is no longer normal for me. I have such a huge guard up and that needs work. </div><div>Anyway I'm going completely off track. So my emotions pretty much bulldozed me to the ground today. After work as I was trudging to my car I was fighting back the tears and I couldn't even explain why. My only idea is the fact that online dating is hard now and I feel deflated. With not being able to date the normal way the only thing people bloody suggest is a walk.... and walks in the UK this time of year are cold and miserable. I don't mind that so much...... I love tugging on my wellies and bundling up. But I just want someone to suggest something unique. Something that makes me feel like, <i>WOW.... this guys making an effort!</i> I don't really feel like anyone really is right now.... and that's not really even fair of me because of the law right now...! It's just it's either a bloody walk in the pissing rain or going to someones's house / vice versa and I am FAR too street-wise for that. I am not allowing some random block into my flat that I've just met and I certainly am not going to a random house in a random area I don't know either. Dating right now is near impossible - and scary. Yet I just know my ex will be loving Muddy Matches dating site right now and arranging gorgeous dog walks with women from all over Milton Keynes. Good fekking luck to whoever he gets to go for walks, his low libido and mind-games, not to mention aggression and anger are your problem now! </div><div>Again.... off track. I started driving home and at one of the roundabouts where I have to take the third exit I almost killed myself. That did it. The rest of the way home I was clutching onto my steering wheel sobbing my heart out... plus there was actual TRAFFIC which I mean, I didn't understand because it's never been busy before because LOCKDOWN. So everyone could probably see me sobbing and angrily swiping away at my cheeks. Just grrrrrrrrreat. </div><div>I finally made it to my parking lot in one piece (just) and had to run to the post office to submit my South African drivers license to be changed for a GB one. That in itself is scary shit because to send your application is almost fifty quid, not to mention the special postage to make sure you can track that shit. So my total fee cost me almost seventy quid I just don't have right now but it had to be done. I'm living on fekking 55p tinned soups for the rest of the bloody month. </div><div>After the post office I literally ran down the dodgy little alleyway to my flat and burst into tears. </div><div>I'm 30 in EXACTLY 100 days. Life isn't playing fair with me.</div><div><br /></div><div>There's been this question in my head for a while now that honestly I've been trying to ignore.... but it reared its ugly head again today and I just can't shake it. What if marriage and kids just isn't meant for me? I have so many fucking grey hairs and I don't even get ID'd anymore when buying wine because I have wrinkles to boot. <br />On my lunch break today I walked to Sainsbury's to pick up some eggs and shit... and on my way back to work I passed a couple around my age walking hand in hand, chatting and laughing away. She'll have a date for Valentines Day. She'll be getting proposed to and having babies. Me??? Will I? I'm starting to think I just don't see it for myself anymore. Maybe it isn't my destiny. Maybe I'm meant to be alone (and I'm not saying this in a weird miserable way! I'm just thinking about it seriously). I always thought I'd be a great mum. A great wife. I feel like I'm an amazing, supportive and loving girlfriend, or at least I used to be. Life has given me some major trust issues and that too makes this whole dating again thing hard. Impossible. Thanks life and covid. My laptop doesn't even recognize the word 'covid.' It thinks I'm misspelling something. Well, dear old shitty laptop, you better get used to that word. Covid. Covid. Covid. </div><div><br /></div><div>Right. I'm going to check out what the horoscope has to say for tomorrow. Big sigh. Here we go....</div><div><br /></div><div><i>'All the planets are very fortunately aligned for you.</i>' HOLY SHIT!? Yes!!!! </div><div><i>'The coming weeks should be great, Taurus.'</i> Music to my bloody ears.</div><div>Oooo yep... it's telling me I may worry about this good fortune not lasting and yep... if things are going good in my life chances are I'm probably going to be veeeeeerrrrryyyyyy skeptical about it. <br /><i>'Don't let yourself panic. This all continues for the next 6 months.'</i> Okayyyy.... great..... what happens after 6 months!? Don't let me get half way to fucking 31 and have another bloody breakup and have to start over again. Please. I can't take it anymore. Then I really WILL become a crazy cat lady. </div><div>Oh, hold on. It says, <i>'however, you may need to focus sufficient effort if you want it last for a longer time.'</i> Shut the fuck up horoscope..... I always put every ounce of effort I have into my life and you know what??? It. Never. Works.</div><div>I think my problem today is that I'm honestly on the verge of just giving up. </div><div><br /></div><div>I clicked on the Love section of the horoscope and it says, <i>'Todays the ideal day to arrange a get-together with those you love most.' </i>Ahem. Horoscope, are you TRYING to get me arrested. We're in the middle of a world pandemic. Stupid. Although my guess is this was all written by some American Trump supporter anyway so they couldn't give two shits. <br />ALSO, horoscope. Groovy. I'll just jump onto a flight back to South Africa to go and see my best girlfriends then shall I?? They're pretty much who I love most in the world now. Besides my nephews obviously, but they tire of me and get tantrums after about fifteen minutes so I don't quite think a 12 hour flight is worth that right now haha. My loved one, ex loved one rather, is gone. You should KNOW this horoscope. Get your shit together. Get facts straight before you go putting my life together for me. Gosh! </div><div>Oooooo this is interesting though.<i> If you're looking for a new relationship, don't stay reading. Get out there and meet as many people as possible. </i></div><div>FANTASTIC. Covid 19 all around!?!!?? I mean, not that I have it or anything.... but HE might. And if I'm meeting person after person that's surely not wise in this current situation. </div><div><br /></div><div>I. Am. Having. A. BAD. Day. </div><div><br /></div><img alt="post signature" class="left" src="http://i1349.photobucket.com/albums/p749/Jade_Lee_Wright/791FD49FBC060AE7AB62790F133C11D3_zpse18afd29.png" />Jade Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10058971746438279217noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3016030818865039441.post-23355641285535062722021-02-04T07:01:00.001+00:002021-02-04T07:01:30.198+00:00Welcome Back <div>Crikey... blimey... heaven to Betsy... it has been a while. </div><div>I guess I've always been pretty sporadic with my blog. Life gets busy... and bloody hell since my last update in July 2020 let's be honest.... the whole world has gone topsy turvy. Corona Virus (Covid-19) has taken over the world and ambushed everyone - though I can't help but feel it's a bit of a personal attack on all of my life plans! Like, hey Jade, you wanted all this shit by 30... HA! Try get there now, Bitch. <br /></div><div>Sorry. It's 06:30am and I'm only half a coffee in..... my witty sense of humor isn't quite scratching the surface yet. However, after a nudge from a certain British energizer bunny, I've decided to write again. </div><div><br /></div><div>I quite enjoy doing these silly horoscope updates and taking the piss out of them... so I thought I'd do that today. </div><div><br /></div><div>I googled, Taurus Horoscope 4th February 2021 to see what the stars have in store for me today.... </div><div>The first thing that caught my eye was:<b> Is 2021 going to be a good year for Taurus? </b>I braced myself and clicked. <i>Bulls will thrive at work this year</i>, it said. Well.... not quite something I can tear apart and ridicule myself for.... in fact, it is rather accurate. Just a few days into this year and I actually secured a job in an office. An OFFICE. During a world pandemic. I started, so ready to get back to work and after just one week they offered me a role higher up in the company and I had that interview yesterday and just found out I GOT THE JOB. I have job security and couldn't be more thrilled. It has been a ROUGH ride since moving to the UK.... I can hardly believe it has been a year since moving here. The world pandemic and lockdowns have made getting financially stable near impossible but I feel like I am finally getting there. I got a job... I got a car.... I got rid of an ex that didn't deserve me. I am feeling quite frankly as the delicious Irish people say, GRAND. <br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: right;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEis5iAKpZArOqRxzZ80lpAuZWX5oAq_537ybQT110aGjgKe1uPi0hH3vfkosQXiS2v-qQgz-bo3Mky9xex0K2yZnezI5DxAr3vqM4GBInoueLq21jpMyj0mKqh8sh37SC7lwDiqzR5ijMc/s2048/IMG_20210118_163200_828.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1739" data-original-width="2048" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEis5iAKpZArOqRxzZ80lpAuZWX5oAq_537ybQT110aGjgKe1uPi0hH3vfkosQXiS2v-qQgz-bo3Mky9xex0K2yZnezI5DxAr3vqM4GBInoueLq21jpMyj0mKqh8sh37SC7lwDiqzR5ijMc/s320/IMG_20210118_163200_828.jpg" width="320" /></a></div></div><div><br /></div><div>However, enough of the positive, power to me crap. This is supposed to be a piss take. </div><div><br /></div><div>It's actually a really boring horoscope.... <br /><i>'Mercury will conjunct with Pluto'</i>.... I mean, at least it isn't Uranus? I am such a child.</div><div><br />Why the hell are all the horoscope pages focusing solely on my career today? On another site it says I am prioritizing work and have big goals energy about me. </div><div>FINALLY.. here's something different. Brilliant. Basically I am going to be an insecure, emotional wreck today. Great.</div><div>On another site, I will perform well at work today. WORK. That is clearly the stars focus..... perhaps it's a sign. STOP focusing on love, Jade. Focus on work. Drill that into my noggin. BUT.... it's almost Valentines Day. Last Valentines day I was completely alone in a new country hugging onto a balloon heart in a restaurant BY MYSELF. I also lost a really nice pair of sunglasses that night which really upset me. </div><div><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6z-U9zYLdVSUVH41gcjhkVhhOlxBxqvWqCZmrr6tmdczYQrrMAM_XXhHpXUJsVdtUtTbiwHrPkY4QHmRSA7tpAaMxkV16bdUHGGCR3qYqlDDgUG3Uo8iBuVzV6d_lSFdBcbyPTOEWuIk/s2015/86796569_10162872141120307_8031854431412682752_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2015" data-original-width="1612" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6z-U9zYLdVSUVH41gcjhkVhhOlxBxqvWqCZmrr6tmdczYQrrMAM_XXhHpXUJsVdtUtTbiwHrPkY4QHmRSA7tpAaMxkV16bdUHGGCR3qYqlDDgUG3Uo8iBuVzV6d_lSFdBcbyPTOEWuIk/s320/86796569_10162872141120307_8031854431412682752_o.jpg" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">I wanted the year of my 30s to be different. I thought by now I'd be with someone, working towards marriage. Kids. The works. But my time got completely mucked around by an emotionally unstable asshole who didn't know what he wanted and had the maturity of a six year old.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">WOW that felt good. Love a good rant. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Anyway, I really do need to go and get ready for work and prepare myself for braving all these bloody roundabouts in Milton Keynes... but I'll try one more horoscope page before signing off. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Ooo here we go. <br />Astrology.com has suggested that I feed my soul music, dance, poetry... immerse myself in creativity. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">It's telling me to expand my music collection. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">I'll be honest, I hardly ever listen to music. I'm more of an audiobook listener - but you know what. Fine. I'll crank up the volume on my radio on my drive to work today and listen to some TUNES. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">There's a Singles Love section so I clicked on that, too.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Sometimes it is best going back to the classics, it says, Candlelit dinners and a dozen red roses are cliche but basically what I need, it says. And honestly, I have to agree. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">I'm ready for some romance in my life finally. I want someone to show me I deserve that at last. I'm tired of finding men that are too proud of frankly arrogant narcissistic twats who don't make the effort to make a woman feel special. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">I want romance, and I'm fekking hunting for it. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">OK... so this really wasn't the funniest. It's possibly the early start and lack of wine to fuel my wit. It's possibly just that the stars are reminding me that now is MY time to focus on me and work and get financially stable and build my life and BELIEVE ME I am freaking trying.... but there's always time for a bit of love and romance, surely??? </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Signing out for now. Might do this again sooner than you think. I do miss my blog. Really.</div><br /><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><img alt="post signature" class="left" src="http://i1349.photobucket.com/albums/p749/Jade_Lee_Wright/791FD49FBC060AE7AB62790F133C11D3_zpse18afd29.png" />Jade Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10058971746438279217noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3016030818865039441.post-24805150604828053702020-07-08T11:24:00.002+01:002020-07-08T11:24:44.307+01:00What Do The Stars Have To Say Today<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Oh my God. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Because I finally wrote on my blog last night after 2 glasses of delicious Malbec, I decided to scroll through my history and see how far I've come since my previous posts.... and I stumbled upon one the funniest entries I think I could possibly ever have written:</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="https://wordsandwinewithjade.blogspot.com/2019/06/what-fuckery.html">Jade's Funny Blog Entry</a></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It has been a loooong time since I have bothered checking out my horoscope.. but man was it accurate just over a year ago! So, I thought I'd check it out this morning while I sit here in my little rickety flat, my washing machine about to take off into space. I'm sipping on a black coffee with yesterdays make-up still smudged over my face (yeah, I know. Terrible.). I'm in a pair of laddering black tights and an massive woolly jumper because I'm in England now... and it's cold. Who would have thought a year ago I'd be in the freaking UK!? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Anyway - I'm feeling a bit run down today to be honest. I've just started a new job and am up on my feet for 11 hour shifts each day. My sleeping is little to none - I'm actually thinking about popping down to the pharmacy downstairs and giving some CBD oil a bash! Obviously only because I've heard it helps you sleep better... of course ;)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I'm getting off topic already. You see! This is why I can't be trusted when it comes to blogging! </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So the point of this entry was to check out my horoscope a year later and see what fruit it bears for me this time around because last year it was nothing short of bloody hilarious. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I can't remember which website I used for my previous horoscope and I've no idea which one is the best... but I've just gone for the first one that shows up on Google. Astrology.com</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Here it goes.... I've just clicked Taurus.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><span class="date" style="box-sizing: border-box; letter-spacing: 0.03em; text-transform: uppercase;">JUL 8, 2020:</span> Your friendly demeanor has been a huge asset for you, but today it may give someone the impression that you're not going to put up a fight if you get pushed. Keep your fight-or-flight impulses in check. You may have to step into a defensive position that requires a great deal of finesse. There is someone in a place of power who wants to work around you today. Make it clear that you know exactly what you're doing, and they will see that they need to include you.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Hmm.. this one isn't quite as funny as the one from a year ago. It was so much easier to poke fun at the other one. But lets see what I can do. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Fight-or-flight impulses... well.... I honestly have absolutely no bloody idea what my impulse is. I THINK I tend to run away or cock things up intentionally when things get serious because I get scared... or, that's what I used to do anyway. And to be honest, I'm in such a different headspace these days. If someone tried to argue or fight with me I'd just walk away to be honest. Aint no body got time for that. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It also mentioned someone in 'power' wants to work around me today. That makes no sense as I am finally in control of my own life and I'm not giving anyone else the power. I make the rules for my life now. I call the shots and make the decisions while I work out exactly what I want in life... and no body is taking that away from me. I mean, obviously one day IF someone comes into my life that becomes my partner there will be compromise and all that hoojab BUT for right now, I like living my life for myself while I'm still figuring out exactly what it is I WANT in life.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #343737;">So horoscope... you kind of failed me today! That's disappointing really. I enjoyed doing a blog post about this kind of thing last time.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Right below is was this:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Is he cheating on you? <span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700;">Enter a Live Psychic</span> <a data-ntvsrc="oranum" href="https://aj2025.online/zEB1Irs8mUvO4EjYUt1whVH3u8cRm2mknIyIl-kP8xr50oftyWMG4lOlLXhwcWu9Xj76s72CP?cp.utm_campaign=$$DEVICE_MARKET_NAME$$&cp.utm_term=$$REFERER$$&cp.utm_medium=$$PLACEMENT_NAME$$&cp.utm_source=MS-$$ZONE_NAME$$" id="ntv" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; box-sizing: border-box; color: #fa63ba; text-decoration-line: none; transition: all 0.2s ease-in-out 0s;">Chat Now to find out!</a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">HAH! Nope. No one is cheating on me for the very first time because I am single and no longer vulnerable to the games men play! Power to me ;)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">There's a bunch of different Taurus pages below that like Finances, Love, Flirt etc. I clicked on Singles Love and it told me that I'm better off flying solo right now.<br />Under the beauty section it told me that I need to stop trying to prepare such elaborate meals (guilty!). It also told me to do ten sit-ups CORRECTLY instead of trying to hit one hundred hahaha. I suppose that's a little hint that I actually need to start exercising again. I haven't gone for my usual 5k run since moving to this little village but that's PURELY because I'm scared of getting lost! </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Oooh it's just taken me to a section where I have to pick a tarot card. Lets see how that goes............</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Well that was boring.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I got the Wheel of Fortune card. Basically it told me that I'll be distracted today and it will be hard for me to sit still (umm, that's every day!). It told me to make a list and focus on getting things done. So I've been trying to write a new chapter for my latest manuscript but every little thing is a distraction so this is true.... it also told me once I'm done to take a walk and stretch my legs. OK I GET IT!!!! I NEED TO EXERCISE GOD-DAMNIT!!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Maybe I should try a different page instead of astrology.com - all that site wants me to do is get off up my ass. While it may be right, it is finally my day off and all I want to do is stay off my feet today. I'll make a promise to myself to go for a run tomorrow - how's that??? :)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Oh oh oh! Ok. There's a horoscope.com. Lets try that one instead....</span></div>
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FFS. This one told me not to be 'smothering' today. Smothering?! I am single and live alone HOROSCOPE! I have no one to be smothering to!!! I think this thing is broken. It worked so well for me a year ago :( </div>
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Anyway...</div>
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It has told me to spend my day not communicating with others but rather focusing on special tasks that have been on the backburner that require my attention. Ahem.... my manuscript. And to be fair, that IS my plan for the day. </div>
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I don't really like Horoscope.com. There's too many pop ups for me. But, I checked out my tarot card of the day before exiting it. It was actually pretty accurate to be fair. I got 'The World' tarot card. It signifies a long journey coming to an end..... and lets face it, I've been on a hellish journey for so long now The cards depicts a butterfly in its last stage of life, fully transformed and ready to fly! I LOVE that. The card is a clear indicator that you have lived, you have loved and you have learned. OK. Considering just over a week ago I was so utterly lost and today I'm in this little flat and have a job to go to and am making things work for myself - I like this card!!! For everything that card symbolizes is definitely true. </div>
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I have lived</div>
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I have loved.</div>
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I have learned. </div>
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Hi.<br />
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Listen to this while reading this. I'll be themetuning all my entries from this point on. Hah.<br />
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I'm not going to pretend and say I'm going to make a comeback onto my blog. I'm not going to tell you this will become a new regular thing. I'm not consistent anymore when it comes to this blog so don't stick around if you want consistency here.. if anyone even reads this anymore. I don't know anymore. This blog was literally my first slice of social media way back when. I loved it. I interacted with so many people. I put SO much work and effort into it... but as the years have gone by and life has hammered away at me, my lust for blogging has slowly chiseled away. </div>
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I mean, the last time I wrote here was in January 2020... and my GOD life couldn't look more different now. I have been through HELL. I guess everyone has, thanks to Corona Virus. </div>
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Back in January, just to recap, I was writing about how I'd just accepted a job on a yacht and was expecting a year of travel and getting this incredible income I could just ferret away and just get back onto my feet financially. Oh how bloody wrong I was.</div>
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I headed off in February, one day before Valentines Day, leaving behind my absolute cunt of an ex who was on Tinder the entire relationship, lying, cheating, aggressive and threatening to kill himself with a GUN because he was the unstable one in all this but made me believe I was completely in the wrong the entire time! Who does that?? I know how to pick them, right!? </div>
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I have proof of all the above by the way. And the horrible thing is I've been told all the nasty things he's saying about me behind my back which is NOT true - so therefore, I shall prove it wrong unapologetic-ally. I'm done with being the nice girl. Now, it's my time. My time to shine.</div>
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Anyway.</div>
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I jetted off to Spain in search of a new life. In order to find my feet. </div>
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It wasn't long before Covid-19 took it's virusy grips on the world and forced everything to go into lockdown.</div>
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I hot-footed it to the UK before the borders closed and ended up staying on a friend's sofa for around 3 months. It was agony on my back and I cried long and hard trying to understand how my life had gone this way. I was literally homeless, penniless and completely out of my depth. I was sinking.</div>
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During lockdown I took my CV out to every grocery store I could but had no response. For 3 months I drove myself up the wall attempting to crochet, knit, macrame, paint in watercolors, learn the ukelele, sketch and try out vegan recipes. I very quickly learnt all the things I'm completely useless at... and that made it (hilariously) worse. </div>
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I was an absolute mess trying to figure out how the HELL to make my life work. I had plans, goals.. ambitions. By 30 I wanted to be married and be getting ready to have a baby (that ship has sailed obviously haha. 30 is ten months away. There's no way I'll meet someone, get married and fall preggers in that time limit). It honestly broke my heart when I realised I wasn't going to get the life I always dreamed of having. I didn't know how to alter my mindset and I guess in a sense, I'm still struggling with it. Everyone always says not to worry and that I'm still young.... but they don't understand. I want to be a young mum. Before my mother and I became estranged we had the most amazing relationship.... before she got ill and wouldn't help herself get better. She used to be my best friend. I loved our age gap and how we would go away on girl trips to Thailand and Singapore and go for weekends away on Safari in South Africa. Once I hit 16 we just knew how to have fun together. I'm sad I'll never have that again. But it's something I would absolutely adore to have with my children one day, whether they be girls or boys. So the older I get, the more I just think I'll be a frumpy old mum instead of kind of a bestie.... because that's what my mother was to me before she broke my heart and fucked everything up. I'll never forgive her for the things she's said and done - but I'll always look back on those photos of our time together before she changed, with fondness. </div>
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So............... eventually, after DAYS.. hours of END of scouring the internet and retyping my CV to every bloody website that wouldn't just allow me to send my actual PDF CV to them.. I got lucky. I got a job working in a high end hair salon. Directly after that I got offered a little flat of my own. </div>
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I mean, it's a run down rickety little place but I love it. It's a work in progress that needs some serious TLC, but I did it!!</div>
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I am SO freaking proud of myself. How I went from being a hopeless, homeless, penniless and jobless person to this I have NO idea really. I guess all I can say is even if you're going through your roughest patch, it's OK to break down - but try to persevere.. because I did. And look at me now. </div>
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I've hardly slept since I've been in my new place to be honest. I didn't realise quite how hard it would be to be alone again. Not in a romantic sense..... but this is literally the first time I've been completely alone since before Australia!! How bizarre is that!? And after what happened to me in South Africa, when those 2 men who THANKFULLY got caught broke into my house and held me down in bed and did stuff while the other robbed the place, it has left a pretty nasty emotional scars. It's my 2nd week here now and I still sleep with the lights on. I jump and stir at every little noise. I'm up at least every hour... but it comes with its perks as I have watched the most gorgeous sunrises at 4,30am because of it right from my bedroom window. </div>
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I published my 2nd novel and I was OVERWHELMED by the amount of sales. Wow wow wow!!! I'm really thrilled with how it has gone so far and have already started writing my 3rd novel. Who knows if there's something concrete in there yet. It's early days. But I am now a published author of 2 novels. I am alone for the first time. I am taking my time, Discovering what is right - where as before I jumped into things and into people who were so so wrong for me. I needed this so badly. To discover not only myself but who I really want in life. But right now, for the very first time, I can tell you I'm happy alone. I'm focusing on building up my friendships. I'm focusing on work and being able to afford this little flat I got that's all mine. I'm focusing on the things I should have prioritized so long ago... but we live and we learn. </div>
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Am I still a hopeless romantic?? I don't know anymore. </div>
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I don't want to say I've become a cynic... that I don't think it will happen for me. But I don't know anymore. Lets face it. I've had so many failed attempts. The biggies being my ex fiance that knocked up my maid of honor and left me with a wedding dress collecting dust in the cupboard, an ex in Spain who shagged 8 women I know of behind my back (probably more), an Aussie who had me spend my entire life savings on a life with him in a foreign country only to one day tell his best friends mother to come over and tell me he doesn't love me anymore (he'd already clearly met someone else at his new job and was too much of a coward to give it to me straight), to coming back to South Africa and turning down the freaking Bachelor South Africa to pursue someone who I consider to be the most fucked up, insecure, neurotic and emotional mess of a man I have ever come across! My taste of men has needed a serious shake for a while. Thank GOD I realised that before I was in too deep. I'm living my best life now. I honestly don't know if I can or even WANT to be affectionate anymore. I don't know how to do it. I've tried. I've failed. Slowly, one by one, these dudes from my past shred me of every ounce of affection I have, really. It feels awkward to me now. I can't do it anymore. Perhaps I'm broken. All I know is that me reaching out to touch someone or to hug someone doesn't come naturally to me anymore. In fact, I recoil at the thought.<br />
I don't know if I have it in my heart to actually do it again... not because I'm bitter. I'm just tired.... and for the very first time, I'm honestly happy alone. This is the very first time my life is on my terms.... and I'm reveling it.</div>
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Chat soon..... maybe. Probably not. Who knows.</div>
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But if you stick around, I'll probably write again.</div>
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One day. </div>
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Jade Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10058971746438279217noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3016030818865039441.post-8555305812285421912020-01-19T05:47:00.000+00:002020-01-19T05:51:45.297+00:00Journey to Self-Love<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;">It's a stormy Sunday morning. I'm snuggled up under the blankets with a black coffee in my hand - trying to figure out how to get back into this blogging thing.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;">Truthfully, I don't really know where I want to take it. What is this blog, really? Lifestyle? </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;">What do I want to focus on? Books? Recipes? Matters of the heart? Travel?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;">It seems I'll be having a lot of travel coming up this year as I've just accepted a job offer on a yacht (yip, I did it!). I have mixed emotions. On the one hand I know this is finally me making a wise decision to become independent and get back on my feet without relying on anyone else or putting someone else before me. On the other hand, I know there is someone I want to put before everything else. However, if it's meant to be, it will find a way. It's an 8 month contract. Not long at all in the big grand scheme of things. I'm trying to have faith. I'm trying to be positive. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;">It all feels very surreal. My whole life I've given up everything for relationships - so this feels daunting and unfamiliar. But I think it's going to help me grow so much as a person and maybe pave my way to really discovering self-love. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;">I've read two books on self-love this month so far. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;">I've made a promise to myself to really put a focus on that now... to not get blinded again.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;">Self-love and acceptance is something I NEED to learn. You can't have happy relationships with others and believe they love you if you can't love yourself. It's one of the many reasons my relationships have always failed. My insecurities destroy so much. So it is time to finally put the work in and heal my deep-rooted problems. No, I can't change the past... but I can change right now and that is exactly what I am going to do. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;">The two books I've read so far this year on self-love are: </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;">Jonathan Van Ness's, 'Over The Top: A Raw Journey to Self Love.' </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;">and </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;">'Queer Eye: Love Yourself. Love Your Life.' </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;">Jonathan Van Ness's book I listened to on Audible. I'd lace up my running shoes and plug in my headphones and while on my 5k morning runs (thanks C25K!), Over The Top made me break down in tears!!!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;">The quotes, lessons and advice I took away from that book are endless.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #181818; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; text-align: left;">I always go into memoirs quite hesitantly, afraid it will be a boastful tedious book to read or something so heartbreaking that it destroys me.. or get so personal into the persons life like Brene's Brown BRAVING THE WILDERNESS. I didn't connect with that book because I haven't read any of her other books or watched her on telly so Braving The Wilderness was hard for me because I had no real reason to want to know these stories from her childhood (this is not to say Braving The Wilderness isn't good!! Not at all. I haven't finished it yet because I feel like I need to go read some of her other books first and establish a bond first! So no hating. I promise.) - but I knew I had to get my hands on Jonathan Van Ness's book as a huge fan of The Fab 5 and the show, Queer Eye (I'm busy watching the latest season on Netflix right now and MY GOSH the tears and joy this show brings me!!!!!).</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #181818; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; text-align: left;">JVN is so eccentric, quirky and fun - I knew his book would be too. I knew I'd have delightful moments of laughter as he recounts his deliciously devious tales... what I didn't expect was quite so much raw emotion that spoke right to my soul.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;"><span id="freeTextreview3088417705" style="background-color: white; color: #181818; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; text-align: left;">This book could NOT have come at a better time in my life. I needed it and I know I will read it again and again and again. It's the kind of book you'll take something new away from it every time you pick it up.</span></span></div>
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I have been reviewing books for years for publishers and authors personally so I like to think I know what I'm talking about when I say a book is well written. Well, my darling friends, JVN really surprised me here with how beautifully written OVER THE TOP is. It flowed so nicely and the entire way through I truly felt like a friend was speaking to me. I cannot fault this book at all.</div>
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I'm at a place in my life where I have no idea where I'm going or how to make something of myself... at almost 30. I'm scared. But this book was so inspiring. Hearing where he came from to where he is today. Listening to him talking about all of his hardships and the stunning messages he learnt from what he's been through. It's perfection. I loved it.</div>
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I loved it so much I want to start it from the beginning all over again.</div>
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<span id="freeTextreview3088417705" style="background-color: white; color: #181818; text-align: left;">Read it. Now.</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #181818; text-align: left;"> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #181818; text-align: left;">Then I read Queer Eye and h</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #181818;">aving just finished Jonathan Van Ness's book, Over The Top, and being a huge fan of the show Queer Eye.. I had to make time for this book in my life. I wasn't really sure what to expect from it, really.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #181818; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I mean, is it ground-breaking? Earth shattering? Did it shed light on finally learning how to love myself? No.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #181818; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I've been trying to figure out self-love, respect and acceptance for so long now. I'm stumbling my way through life making an absolute fool of myself more often than not. I try reading books by Eckhart Tolle and meditate, do yoga, light candles... you name it, I've tried it.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #181818; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">It's harder than it seems when you have the kind of insecurities and emotional damage someone like me has.</span></span></div>
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So for someone at my level, this book, while being absolutely lovely, just wasn't as uplifting as I was hoping for.</div>
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The fab 5 take you through their different areas of expertise. From beauty, fashion, emotions, food.. they guide you into how to becoming a better you while emphasizing the fact that you need to embrace yourself and not try to be someone your not. It's filled with little tips and tricks to make life a little easier for you.</div>
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It's a book you'll appreciate if you watch the show... if you know the boys.</div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;">I'm not sure what self-help book I'll pick up next... there are so many on my radar.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;">I like to think the right one will fall into my lap at the right time. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;">I'll let you know.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;">Until next time... </span></div>
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For days I have been wallowing in self-pity. Finding it the hardest thing in the world to get up out of bed. I could barely see through my tears every time I did manage to lace up my trainers and go for a run. Sweat it out. Try to get those endorphins flowing.<br />
Pouring glass after glass of wine to numb the pain inside, but it hurts. So much. I have no idea what I'm doing.<br />
The truth is, I've given up EVERYTHING for men my entire life.... while still somehow managing to be the most selfish, insecure person you could ever come across. I don't even know how that works!! What I do know is, I need to do some serious work on myself now. Learn to love myself, enjoy my own company. Become independent... and stop this crazy obsession I have with love.<br />
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So for what feels like the very first time, I've started to make plans where I don't have to consider someone else or put them first. That first step wasn't easy. Hell no. Cracking open my laptop and putting my CV out there again was scary... because it feels like the start of a very new, uncertain chapter that I don't know if I want. I want to be here, in Knysna, with him. But to put it bluntly, I stuffed that up royally. I don't get that now. I get to be alone and grow the fuck up. I should thank him for this really... it's going to be the most challenging thing I've ever done but I guess it needs to be.<br />
I'm not applying for jobs in Knysna anymore. Some people can make it work here. Some people want to make it work here. But for me... I have nothing here really. I barely see my family, who are toxic as it is. I have no car, literally enough money in my bank account to afford one meal IF that.<br />
I'm staying in a tiny flat of my own for about a week now. I moved in yesterday. I have no idea what I'll do or where I'll go after this seven day stint in my own place. All I know is I couldn't stay at home. My mother went to rehab a few months back and now she's back home and causing as much pain and destruction to everyone she possibly can... so I can't stay in that house. Not while I'm going through this amount of turmoil and agony. It's impossible to grow and process everything that's happening with that going on.<br />
So this little flat is my safe haven for now. It's quiet, safe, on the water... and the best part is, it's free. I was able to strike up a deal with a lady who needs someone to walk her dog for her and in return, I get free board.<br />
In this week I should find out if I get one of the jobs overseas I've applied for. There's two very likely positions which although is hard graft, will pay enough per month to really get me back on my feet. Not these ridiculous Knysna salaries. If I stayed here, chances of me being able to get my own place, a car and afford groceries would be frankly impossible. Starting from scratch isn't a realistic thing in a place like Knysna when you literally have nothing and have no one to rely on. And that's the thing... I don't want to rely on anyone anymore... because when they are gone, like now, I'm left completely on my ass.<br />
The thing is, I would have stayed in Knysna and happily pursued a job here if my ex and I were together because we'd be a team. I wouldn't have the full blown financial strain purely on myself. We'd share costs. Take turns to buy groceries. Things would be easier as a team... but I don't have that option now and with not being able to live back home with my family I see no other choice.<br />
The one job I think will possibly offer me a contract this week would send me to the Seychelles... the other would jet me off back to Spain.<br />
I also made a profile on an Au Pair website and have been looking into options in the UK too. So far I have one family interested in me but it's a single dad and his two sons. It would be a live in position and pays peanuts compared to what the boats would pay. I don't think I could ever be comfortable living in a house with a single dad, raising his sons. But these are the options available to me.<br />
I have to try. I have to keep wiping the tears away.<br />
Every time I apply for something I burst into tears and a deep guttural sound emerges from my throat. It hurts more than I thought humanly possible.<br />
I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. I really don't. I WANT to stay here and make it work with my ex, prove to him that I have changed and grown from this experience. It's been a huge eye-opener and has made me see why my relationships have never worked. It has made me see what needs to change. But what do I do?? Stay in the hopes that he will finally one day miss me enough and want me back? Or leave.... where I'd be tied to a minimum of a ten month contract (which is longer than we've even been together!). I don't see how that would work in the favor of our relationship.<br />
I am so lost. So so so hopelessly lost.<br />
And he's done some cruel things, too. He's deleted every photo he ever posted of us or of me. Like I never existed. Never mattered. The sting that caused was brutal. He's posting photos all the time living his best life, having fun with friends, off on his bikes and flying high in the sky and diving into the water off of his boat. He seems happy. Happy without me. I know he's struggling so much too and going through his own world of hurt but seeing how he's OK without me, that he doesn't need me.... hurts. I know I shouldn't look... but he knows I'm seeing it all. Seeing these selfies he's posting where he looks nothing short of breathtaking. He's shockingly blue eyes staring into the camera lens, melting me.<br />
I miss him so much. I miss the fun, adrenaline filled, adventurous days we'd have together. I miss the good times.<br />
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I have messages I've written to him saved on my phone... unsure if I'll ever actually send them. I read them over and over again. Letting the words sink in. Reminding myself every day what I've done wrong to deserve where I am right now... and knowing that I will never, ever do those things again. I can't! The insecurity, the temper and the controlling issues have messed my entire life up. I have to let go. I have to believe the tattoo that I have on my thigh that says, 'she is at a place in her life where peace is her priority and negativity cannot exist.' I cannot be a negative person anymore. I have to grow up and change. I have. I feel the shift. I feel the weight off my shoulders that has pulled me down since childhood. I've always had that needy obsession with needing to be loved because I never felt that as a kid. I've always needed other peoples acceptance. That's NOT how I want to live my life anymore. I want to be enough. For myself. In fact, I am enough... I'm learning that now.<br />
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I don't want to be the person that begs for people back... but I also don't want to play games. That is why this is so very hard to figure out because if I stay, it will be because I'm hoping we'll be OK. And I'd be happy to get a job here and have the life here and I wouldn't resent him for it.... but if I leave, I'd be doing jobs I know I won't be happy in but financially it would get me back on my feet and give me complete independence that I know I can't get here. I don't know what to do. I really don't. I love him deeply. I feel like he is my person. So then surely he must know how difficult this is for me. Knowing that if I stay, I have no way of affording a place and I can't stay with family so the predicament is HUGE. If I stay, I have no means of transport. It would be a month until I get my first salary which I know would be enough to afford a months worth of groceries but not enough to start saving up for a car and deposits for a flat of my own. If I stay, I have nothing. If I go, living costs overseas would be barely anything because I'd be working and living on a boat for ten months straight. There would be no rent due, no food costs and no need for a vehicle. It sounds like the option I need to go for because I could save up an incredible amount of money to really get back on my feet... but I'd lose the hope of us being OK and together again. And that would break my heart more than it already is...<br />
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So I've written this here because I know no one reads this crap I write anyway. This blog has been my venting place for years. Maybe people going through something similar to me stumble across this page while they are struggling. Maybe they can relate. Maybe I even help them somehow.... and maybe by writing it down I'm somehow helping myself.<br />
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It's 7am now. I have no idea what the day will bring... but I guess first and foremost, I need to leave the bedsheets, wash out my coffee cup and go for a run.<br />
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Hoots from kookaburra's at dawn have been replaced by the squawk of swooping seagulls. </div>
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Lush green park-lands and treetop views changed to misty mornings overlooking a tranquil lagoon.</div>
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Like the turning of a page in a book with a cracked spine or the slide of fingers across steel strings during a chord progression... everything has changed. </div>
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Everything must change. </div>
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Where there was pain and struggle there is now a glimmer of hope. </div>
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A new chapter has begun, a happier melody. </div>
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While I may have less materialistically, I have more soulfully. </div>
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What once was a door unlocking to a silent, empty flat has now become a house of bounding dogs, purring cats, nephew squeals - a place to be welcomed home. </div>
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Even with it's smokey atmosphere, cluttered rooms and tainted memories - it is home.</div>
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The chipped and cracked pieces of me are starting to mend. </div>
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With a chisel I am creating the life I want to lead and becoming the person I know I was born to be. </div>
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I'm not saying this new way of life is easy, quite the opposite. </div>
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Life has tested my strength. It still is. But each and every day I am learning to stand taller, keep my head held high. </div>
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I am belly-laughing again. My smile is genuine.<br />
And someone is smiling back at me.<br />
Full lips spreading wide, blue eyes shimmering with something I can't quite name... <br />
Not yet anyway.<br />
Laced fingers and warm embraces.<br />
A feeling of safety and warmth.<br />
A feeling of glee.</div>
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I am lapping up books and researching true crime cases - discovering my passions once more. Putting my time and energy into the things that feed my soul... the things I had let go of when I'd let go of myself.</div>
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Now I am grappling to get those parts of me back, to put myself first for once. </div>
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To be me.</div>
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There are still moments of sadness, of tears and heartache. </div>
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Those are the moments that mould us into either the best or worst versions of ourselves. </div>
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How we react to certain situations teaches us everything we need to know about ourselves. </div>
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We are human beings constantly growing and learning... and I am grateful for each and every trial, tribulation, joy and deliverance. </div>
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Happy Saturday, world. </div>
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I've woken up after not much sleep with my cat purring on my lap and a brand new day ahead. </div>
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Regardless of all of the negativity that has invaded my space lately - I'm letting it go. </div>
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Grief is a fickle thing and comes in many ways when you least expect it. </div>
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Yesterday I broke down. I let life get the better of me but sometimes you need a good cry. You need to be tested. I've made it out to the other side with a more positive mind set. </div>
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I will no longer focus my energy on anything negative. I am cleansing my life, releasing the past and starting over. </div>
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<img alt="just a few thoughts. #motivation #positive #thoughts #goal #inspiration" src="https://i.pinimg.com/564x/27/24/70/2724704d7f167270641b64381164f238.jpg" /></div>
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The truth is that I've been angry and allowing negativity into my life because I didn't understand why all of this stuff has had to happen to me lately... but everything I've lost IS replaceable. I wasn't hurt and while I may have PTSD to sort through after what happened the other night I know I'll be okay. Because I always am. I'll pick myself back up, slowly piece back the pieces, get back what I lost even if it's not the same quality... it's all material crap at the end of the day. The positive side is that I wasn't hurt. I wouldn't wish that onto anyone. </div>
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I'm moving to America soon for such an exciting new life - and I have so many amazing friends there already. People who care and support and shine positivity onto my life when they know I need it. That's the kind of person you want in your life. The people who are bitter, resentful, jealous and holding grudges for no reason have their own issues and need to go take a good long hard look in the mirror and sort themselves out. That's what I'm doing. I'm sorting myself out. Because I am FAR from perfect. I stuff up. But I do not hurt people. I help others. I work hard. I play harder because I am still young and I deserve it. I have always worked hard and been incredibly motivated and driven. I have also always been an outgoing, fun-loving person who ALWAYS offers to pay her way which you would know if you actually knew me. I am beyond grateful to every soul who has been there for me through the turmoil and they know I would be there for them in a heartbeat if roles were reversed. I love and laugh and while I might break down from time to time that's because I'm only human and today I woke up and realised that that is enough. People look in and see your life from afar and they judge and make assumptions but that is not my problem.</div>
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For the past year I have been working on fixing my life. Working on my evident flaws. I'm a long way from being perfect and I know I never will be - but I am growing into the person I want to be and someone others want to have around more and more each day. I have been owning up to my faults and I am proud of that - can you say the same?</div>
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We are all only human. Let that be enough.</div>
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Peace. Breathe. Release. </div>
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Ciao Bella.</div>
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I miss living in a house that isn't impossible to breathe in without second-hand smoke continuously drifting through the rooms. </div>
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I miss a clean environment - somewhere pleasant to cook in. Somewhere you are proud to call home.</div>
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I miss that feeling of walking through the front door and sighing with the relief of being back in your safe haven after a days work or a trip away.</div>
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I miss roadtrips - dancing and singing along to music with a takeaway cup of coffee in one hand and my ex partners fingers laced through the other. </div>
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I miss exploring the world with someone to experience it all with. </div>
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I miss the simple things like sunsets on the roof, watering my plants and listening to the birds sing when the rain comes down.</div>
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I miss runs along the brook and dips in the little communal pool. </div>
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I miss running and jumping into my ex's arms every evening and asking how his day was. </div>
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I miss feeling that confidence that I was going in the right direction.</div>
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I miss looking down at my hand and seeing that beautiful ring that symbolised everything I ever needed and more. </div>
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I miss pajama parties and cheering on sports at a stadium even though I had no idea what was going on.</div>
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I miss hairy chests and snuggles while we did our own things.. me reading a book and him watching sport or playing xbox.</div>
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I miss being called ''baby'' and hearing those three words that I don't hear from anyone anymore. I love you. </div>
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I miss feeling loved. </div>
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I miss feeling respected and desired and wanted and needed. </div>
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I miss loving someone. I really miss that.</div>
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I also miss the days where my mother was my best friend. I miss the times we used to have deep, meaningful conversations. I miss how she would hold me if I was sad and laugh with me when I was happy. </div>
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I miss the nights where I didn't have to watch my family drink themselves to sleep. </div>
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I miss my independence. I miss having savings for if I needed it and a car to get into if I needed to get away. I miss the freedom I used to have at my fingertips and I miss not feeling like I've somehow lost absolutely everything I ever cared about. I miss feeling like my life was worth it.</div>
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I miss looking in the mirror and seeing someone happy... not someone exhausted, pale, devastated and alone.</div>
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I miss being around people that made me a better person and didn't bring the worst out in me. </div>
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I miss somewhere and something that I never had - because where are those things and those people now? That's how you truly realise who is real and who is fake in your life. When those people you bent over backwards for the cook and clean for and invite into your home and only EVER be polite and friendly to just disappear... that's when you realise how much of your precious time you wasted on the wrong kind of people. </div>
Jade Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10058971746438279217noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3016030818865039441.post-34570367396500485032019-07-03T09:58:00.001+01:002019-07-03T10:09:08.190+01:00Explaining Kickstarter and Patreon<div style="text-align: justify;">
I find it incredible how judgemental people can be. </div>
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A few days ago I started a page on a well-known incentive based sponsorship platform. The site helps creative people fund their projects - in my case, people would be donating as little as $1 to my new writing project. That $1 shows support and belief in what you do - it's so motivational knowing there are people out there who care about your work and are willing to help you send your project into production. It's also a great platform to gauge how much interest there is into your work because once the work is done you need to start making sales. That said, some wonderful unknown person purchased a paperback copy of my novel yesterday and I couldn't be more grateful. Literally, every tiny bit helps!!!</div>
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There's a lot of work that goes into writing a novel. </div>
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Hours a day spent hunched over your keyboard to bring a story together that one day people will be holding in their hands. I don't get paid for those hours work - and no I am not usually one to care about money all that much if it means I'm doing something I love! Writing has always been a huge passion of mine and I get satisfaction from just seeing my book with my name on the front cover, bound and ready to be devoured. </div>
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However - circumstances have changed for me lately and while I'm working my arse off to find a job, helping out at the family business and trying to sell my wedding dress which I put up onto Gumtree yesterday:</div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="https://www.gumtree.co.za/a-wedding-wear/other/gorgeous-wedding-dress/1005344405940911322596409">Gorgeous Wedding Dress For Sale</a></span></b></div>
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I am trying the best that I can but there's no denying that a bit of crowdfunding for my new writing project would be a huge help to me right now. But even though I put myself out there - people now think I am 'begging.' I'm getting ridiculed, laughed at and judged. </div>
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I think people don't seem to realise this is the 21st century. Take for instance another funding platform - Patreon. </div>
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Almost every single podcaster I know has Patreon. I wasn't judged for that when I created it (in fact I accumulated almost $200 in pledges!?) so I'm struggling to understand how and why Kickstarter is any different. </div>
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It's not like people donate money for nothing. Both Kickstarter and Patreon are incentive based - meaning depending on the amount you contribute towards a persons project, you get something in return. </div>
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Here's my profiles - there's nothing 'beggy' about them and I'm so tired of people's lack of understanding.</div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/jadeleewright/the-book-with-no-name?ref=user_menu">KICKSTARTER</a></span></b></div>
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<a href="https://www.patreon.com/BooksnBooze"><b><span style="font-size: large;">PATREON</span></b></a></div>
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Anyway... that was my little rant... because I'm deflated today. It's another hard day where accepting M and I are over is ripping my heart out. All night last night I couldn't get to sleep, my mind was so full of memories of us camping and loving each other... exploring different parts of Canada, South Africa, Australia and Madagascar. </div>
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My brain was also in overdrive trying to figure out how to acquire Bumble, that sexy little yellow car I have fallen in love with but cannot afford. </div>
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My head was full of the realisation that by the end of this month I'm going to be camping on a mattress in a half torn down cottage that is missing walls so it's going to be freezing cold but hey, at least there's a bathroom and a stove so I'm just going to need to bundle up like an eskimo and get on with it. I can't stay in my folks house anymore. I'm going mad and am probably getting lung cancer because everyone smokes inside with the windows closed. I wake up coughing and hardly breathe. I can't get to sleep at night because the snoring rattles through the entire house like a fucking monster. </div>
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And I just can't keep seeing my family live this way... passing out drunk every single night listening to a television so loud that people three houses down can probably hear it. </div>
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Moving back to South Africa has made me more depressed than ever before - but I'm holding onto that last shred of hope I have and I'm trying to figure my life out. The sooner the better. </div>
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Today I'm going into the work office - which is an ice box but I'm just thrilled to get out of this smokey hell hole and I'm getting trained in Quickbooks so I can get the business back up to date with invoicing etc. I'm just so excited to work and get out of the house. I just wish I had a car so I could just drive - get out more. I hitch-hiked the other day just to get away. I'm aware that's not smart but I'm at a complete loss for what else to do anymore. My life has gone to shit and my depression and heartbreak is actually starting to kill me. I feel so trapped. ANY form of independence I once had is gone. I truly don't think I deserved this to happen to me - at 28 years old when I was about to have everything I'd ever wanted.... a beautiful life with an incredible man, getting married and living happily ever after. I lost it. I lost everything and there's tears falling onto the keyboard as I type that out because I don't KNOW how to start again. I don't KNOW how to let go. I'm trying. I'm trying so hard that I'm truly exhausted. But I miss M. I miss us. I miss my old life. I know I fucked it all up and I couldn't be more sorry for that. The miscarriages and hormone imbalances took it's toll on me and I wish I'd fixed that sooner before it was too late. Because now I am getting healthy. I'm exercising and laughing and working on myself but it is truly impossible to not be completely depressed when you've lost everything you cared about in life. </div>
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I wish someone would throw me a lifeline. I'm doing my best to get my mother sorted with one. No one seems to realise how much I try and do for everyone else. Even just that acknowledgement would be nice. A thank you. Anything. </div>
Jade Wrighthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10058971746438279217noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3016030818865039441.post-18999090880062303722019-07-02T07:31:00.002+01:002019-07-02T07:31:50.174+01:00Bumble Bee Sunflower<div style="text-align: justify;">
Ah man - it's the 2nd of July. </div>
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I had wanted to dedicate July to fitness and health (accumulating KMs on my neglected Strava app) and work myself up to being able to run 21ks and get myself a pretty shiny medal like my sister-in-law has.... (I like pretty shiny things ha!)... </div>
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But alas I am still spluttering, coughing, sneezing and sniffing from the blasted flu. </div>
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A painful amount of money spent on anti-biotics all for nothing. Gah! </div>
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I'm trying to be as proactive as I can be though... I say while zipped up in my onesie in bed at 8am... ahem...... </div>
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I've been up since 3am applying for every job I can find that sounds bearable... in the meantime I'm helping out at the family business which is in dire need of some TLC. It doesn't pay much but I get to sit in an office and that alone is a step up from where I've been the past few weeks.</div>
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I'm also trying to figure out a way to get this car I fell in love with yesterday.</div>
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I've already named her... yip.. it's that bad. </div>
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Her name is Bumble and I'm sold.... sadly she's not due to lack of funds... BUT I'M WORKING ON IT!!! </div>
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I figured if I can hop onto a cruise ship or a yacht just for a few months and earn some euros I'll be able to pay back a loan for a car and have extra left over to play with and figure out the rest of my Godforsaken life. </div>
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So that's the plan... now just to have some wonderful person hire me. </div>
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Tick tock.</div>
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I'll also need to save up for some roof racks as I don't like my chances of squeezing one of my surfboards in Bumble... but I think she suits me SO MUCH. She's bright, tiny and a bit rickety just like me. </div>
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In the meantime, Camp Nanowrimo started yesterday and I have started writing my 2nd thriller novel which possibly has the best name imaginable: The Book With No Name. </div>
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A lovely and very generous friend of mine is currently helping me design a cover for it which is very exciting. There's something about having a cover made that gives me the motivation to crack on with writing. </div>
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This is just a brief mock-up... there's a few more ideas floating around and of course font etc will all be changed but I'm liking the direction the covers going! </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMl1nX4BsC986r8DMAFwnJof0U2crKSy8byv8IheeRfNVI6dkFheJWRJWGm8sNAj0tNi7ObwUD80gK3WIi3drIXbfyuV4uEK4V0OdAQlR2v2QpQGpsaaMCldQjrr67jMAK41Dqe_1pSr8/s1600/received_2110568215721299.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: justify;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1132" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMl1nX4BsC986r8DMAFwnJof0U2crKSy8byv8IheeRfNVI6dkFheJWRJWGm8sNAj0tNi7ObwUD80gK3WIi3drIXbfyuV4uEK4V0OdAQlR2v2QpQGpsaaMCldQjrr67jMAK41Dqe_1pSr8/s320/received_2110568215721299.jpeg" width="226" /></a></div>
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I ADORE that feeling of holding the first draft of a book I've written. </div>
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Right now I'm only a few chapters in but I'm really happy with my idea and eager to carry on creating! </div>
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What else is there to say? </div>
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The keto diet is SUCH a flop in South Africa. SO MUCH STARCHY FOOD HERE. It's impossible... I try to eat keto but I'm really not succeeding. At all.</div>
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I'm starving. Intermittent fasting is going well for the most part - except when I find Cinnamon Bun Cappuccino's which I HAVE TO HAVE IMMEDIATELY. That cocks up my 16 hour fast... but sometimes I like more than a black coffee OK! Not sure where my weight stands at the moment. Last I checked it was 52kg. I'm still working on toning back up again and flattening my stomach... so I've decided to start this 30 day plank and squat challenge. I tried day 1 just before I got sick and then I pretty much died. I will start over again today now that the worst of my flu has buggered off. </div>
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Think I'm going to take my dog for a walk now... don't quite think I'm 100% up to running just yet! I can't even walk up a flight of stairs without huffing and puffing. This flu has seriously knocked me around! </div>
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I'll update soon about jobs, cars, books and anything else I fancy sharing with you at that particular time... not that anyone actually cares.. but HEY.</div>
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Right now, life is hard.</div>
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For the first few weeks that I was back I was able to bring a lightness and humor to this blog because I suppose I was still in denial. I was so sure that somehow, things would get fixed.</div>
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But it's been almost a month now and I've had to start moving forward.</div>
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I've been applying for Canadian working holiday visas and scouring the internet for jobs scrubbing people's shit out of toilets on the yachts again. I went on a date and kissed someone else which all blew up in the same old small town Knysna drama I can't stand. I started finally checking things off of my To Do list... picking up my drivers license, getting a South African sim card, sorting out the bank and looking for a new car which I can't afford.</div>
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I also decided to finally take a stand against my alcoholic mother. I'm done with her looking at me and spitting out the words, 'Why are you here? Can't you just go and die?! No wonder Mark doesn't want you. Fuck off," amongst other things. I reached out to people I knew would help. She's getting sectioned next week if all goes according to plan... although I've seriously started realising how full of empty promises people (especially family members,) are. I am a blunt and honest person - this is a blog about the gritty realness of the world so if you can't handle that then please stop reading and causing more drama.</div>
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I called the police while she was out driving the other day - sadly they didn't catch her but I've reached breaking point. She's a danger to herself and to others. She could kill someone - and that is disgusting. So I have done what I need to do because no one else was doing anything.</div>
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I've always been the tough one in my family. I'm the one who has to be strong and tell it as it is. I speak the truth while everyone else is living a lie. No, I'm not perfect... far from it. I'm as fucked up if not more than anyone - but I'm the only person that will actually admit that. And I'm the only person who is willing to change.</div>
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I'm also the only person willing to truly HELP. It's called tough love.</div>
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Yeah, I hate who my mother has become and I am so full of anger and resentment - but me getting her put into a mental institute and eventually rehab is me showing what little love I do have left for her. She won't see it that way - maybe she never will. But this is literally my last attempt. I've reached breaking point.</div>
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Right now I'm at a place where I should be home under my families wings and recovering from a horrible breakup, a miscarriage and trying to find my feet again.... instead, I am more emotionally distraught now than ever before. The stress levels have sky-rocketed. I burst into tears in the middle of town and sometimes I can't bring myself to eat. I've lost 6kg and I'm not OK.</div>
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I don't know what the hell to do with my life or where the hell to go. M decided to leave me penniless even though I worked in Aus for 2 years I have nothing to show for it - yet he's kept all the furniture and flat and everything I was helping pay for while my salary - which was FAR smaller than his but I tried my BEST to contribute when I could. I just can't believe how shit life is right now.... that my only option is to have to go back onto the yachts, an industry I hated, just so I can have some financial stability again.</div>
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I've decided I'm going to write down everything I've been holding onto on a piece of paper, fold it up and toss it into a fire. Release it.</div>
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I need to let go of M. I need to let go of the fact that we are not getting married next year and that the 2 miscarriages I suffered through without him were probably for the best. I need to get over the fact that he's no longer there and no longer cares.</div>
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I also know I need to let go of my hatred, anger and resentment I have for my family - my life... I know I look so happy on the outside. I smile, see friends, laugh and joke. But behind closed doors and sometimes in the center of town I am a mess.</div>
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I WISH I hadn't given everything I had to my name to my past relationship... because now I'm at a place in my life where I have nothing. That's not even an exaggeration. I AM penniless. I AM homeless... I have to stay in the hell hole that is my parents house and be abused verbally by the woman who carried me for 9 months. I have no where else to go right now, no way to get somewhere if I did have anywhere to go.</div>
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I wish I had been smarter and kept a backup plan... I wish I hadn't decided to spend my last bit of life savings on a holiday to Madagascar that now I can't even look at the photographs of without crying.</div>
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I wish I had a different life. A different mother. A different everything.</div>
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Life is hard. And I am struggling.</div>
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I wish I knew what to do.</div>
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I just need a hand. I feel like I'm trying my best to help others as much as I can but that doesn't get acknowledged. I feel like I have this huge heart that just gets taken for granted and abused. I feel like I don't deserve where I am in life right now and sometimes it really does seem easier to fade away than carry on struggling through... but that's why I write this... because one day I KNOW I will be okay again and I'll be able to look back and remember what a dark place I was in and I'll be able to help others find a way out to the other side. Until then, I'm just wading through the black abyss.</div>
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I always thought when I finally felt up to investing my time into looking for work on the yachts again it would be the day I knew I would be OK. I'll survive. Oh how wrong I was.</div>
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I'm as sick as can be right now having just spent a jaw-dropping amount of money I don't have on medicine and have been in bed all day scouring the internet for jobs. Even trying to take a sip of water feels like knives going down my throat.... (WISHING I had someone to bring me chicken soup, stroke my hair and make me feel better but alas this is a time of loneliness for me.)</div>
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I guess for the most part job hunting has been going well... </div>
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I've already been offered a job willing to fly me to Tunisia later this week but I turned it down because my gut feeling (which I'm going to start bloody listening to from now on!!) wasn't a happy camper. </div>
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However, even with a seemingly good response after putting a few hours work into applying for various jobs floating around the med - I have tears in my eyes. </div>
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That saying, 'New Beginnings Are Often Disguised As Painful Endings,' is so true. </div>
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If you aren't interested in the raw, unfiltered rambles from a heartbroken mind then move along now - but some lovely people have actually reached out and commended me for how open and honest I am with what I'm going through. </div>
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I'm not doing it for attention. </div>
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Not at all.</div>
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I'm doing it because if someone stumbles across my blog in the future who is going through something similar I hope she or he will be able to realise that they aren't alone. </div>
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If I am able to help just one other person in this world by sharing my experiences then that's enough for me. </div>
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I know what I'm going through is MINUTE compared to what others go through in life and I know I'm lucky in many ways... but this is my story and I know there are people out there somewhere going through something similar. </div>
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I wish I could stop feeling so devastated but how can I when it feels like the last two years of my life was a complete lie?? </div>
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To have the man you thought was your soul-mate tell you that you never made him happy is like running over me with a train. </div>
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I can't get those words out of my head. The last words he ever said to me. I wish he could take it back. I wish he could tell me what he said wasn't true.<br />
Never say something so hurtful to someone who loves you because you never know if they'll be the last words you ever speak to them.</div>
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People are telling me that people say hurtful things during breakups and that they don't mean them - that those words are a way to make you move on... but truly I'd be able to move on easier if I had closure that I didn't just make him miserable for two straight years. </div>
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I know I wasn't great. </div>
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But I thought we had some incredible, fun and happy moments. </div>
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I know I was the happiest I had ever been yet also the most depressed at the same time because the truth is that I never could adjust to life in a new country.</div>
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I'd done it once before in Mallorca and I could never get over how triggering it was for me to be in such a similar situation again. </div>
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I moved to a country for a guy I met on Tinder again. Had given up my entire life to be there. </div>
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The only difference was that in Mallorca I trusted TOO much. I was SO carefree and happy and bubbly. I was always off bouncing around with new friends and having the time of my life but in Australia I was so Goddamned cautious because of how hurt I was in Mallorca that I never ALLOWED myself to fully let go and embrace it. </div>
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I wish I had now.... I wish S hadn't hurt me so badly all those years ago that even to this day it still affects me.... but things didn't work out that way. </div>
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I can't change that... but I can change the future. </div>
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I am never going to give up my independence ever again or sacrifice what little I do have in life for someone else. I've done it so many times now only to regret it... because in the end I end up with nothing.</div>
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I know I stuffed up a lot with M and made things unbearable and took things out on him that I shouldn't have. But I also know I made him laugh and smile and I really didn't think he could ever say something like, 'I never got happiness from you.' </div>
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Those words have destroyed me. </div>
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I never meant to make him unhappy.</div>
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I am a good person with a huge heart.... a part of me wishes he had met me before Mallorca when I wasn't broken. Things would have been so different then. I feel back then I would have been exactly the girl for him - and he was able to see small snippets of that girl in me somewhere.. but it just wasn't enough.</div>
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Finding a way to heal after what I went through in Spain and now Australia is proving to be the most challenging thing in life...<br />
I'm still trying to navigate through freeing myself from a life tethered by insecurity BUT I've realised the basic steps are as follows:</div>
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1. <b>Focus on myself for one</b>. <br />
Do things that make me happy like running (never thought I'd say that but I've truly started loving it!), hiking, cooking, surfing, writing, anything creative... <br />
Be around people that make me a better person.</div>
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2. <b>Don't jump into a new relationship</b>. <br />
This is now time for ME. I don't want a man to define my happiness. I want to be happy and love myself first. </div>
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3. <b>Build a life for myself not someone else</b>. <br />
I guess one of my main mistakes I've done OVER and OVER again is give up everything for everyone and focus so much on making someone else happy. <br />
I want to finally create this cottage or a home in general and make it MY safe haven. <br />
I want to get that beautiful border collie I've always dreamt about one day and have her be MINE not OURS. <br />
I want my independence back. Not have to answer to anyone. To be a recluse if I want to be and be outgoing when I feel that need to be around others. I want to cook what I want without having to always ask what someone else wants. I want to put my needs and wants first for once. </div>
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4. <b>Create my own friendships</b>. In a tiny town like Knysna this is hard. Especially as the majority of my friends have left for overseas OR have already settled down with kids and partners... but I just want to focus on my own friendships. In the past I always slotted in with my partners friendship group and when it inevitably ended I had no one there for me. I need to put myself out there and find new friends in Knysna that enjoy the same things as me - and reach out to my old friends who are overseas but will come here on holiday and make time to see me.</div>
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5. <b>Meditate. Stretch. Exercise. Drink Less. </b><br />
My life has always been so busy bending over backwards for someone else or just being too exhausted or sad to do anything else other than switch on Netflix and pour a glass of wine at night. </div>
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It's been a BEAUTIFUL feeling to take the time out of my day to run 5ks with my dog, meditate while soaking in the bath, allowing myself the time to stretch and love my body the way I always should have but never did. </div>
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In one way I am feeling so good - it's just the actual heartache from losing my best friend that is still crushing me. I know people say the heartbreak will end.... and maybe it will. But I'd never been more sure about someone in my life. I still struggle to accept it's really over forever - but it has to be. The things he has said and done - the way he just kicked me out of the country and made his friends tell me he doesn't love me anymore.. the black and white text reading I never made him happy as the last message he ever sent me... it's the cold hard truth that it's done and some days I get that... but others I don't. </div>
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I went on a 'date' the other night after this guy we'll call A sent me a glass of wine when I was sitting at a pub with my brother. It was nice. And M is no longer the last person I've kissed, which felt incredibly weird. But I am so petrified all guys want me for is sex and regardless I'm just not ready for that yet. I know I need to move on eventually and potentially the best way to get over M is to get under someone else - but I'm so confused. I don't want to be just used for sex yet at the same time I'm not ready to dive back into something serious. </div>
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I want to take things SLOW for once and find someone that ticks all my boxes. </div>
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6. <b>Make a list of the things you need from a partner and don't settle for any less.</b></div>
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Because of what I've been through, there are certain things I need out of a relationship that may sounds completely pathetic to most people but they are things I know will make me happy.</div>
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I want someone who opens the car door for me, understand my passions for books, bookstagram, booktube, writing etc.. someone who will support those passions. Take an interest in them. Join me in them. I want someone willing to make a goofball out of himself and laugh at himself and not give a shit about what his mates think of him. I want someone not scared to put me on his social media - who wants to show me off and shout me out for being amazing. I want someone romantic. Someone who will surprise and spoil me... someone who will be walking past a flower store and think of me and get me a flower just because. Not that I actually like flowers... I'm more of a plant person. Don't give me something that's just going to die haha. My new found favorite plant I can't get enough of is Golden Pothos! </div>
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I saw this thing a while back where this girl got home and found a dress laid out on her bed with a pair of earrings and some shoes and a note that told her where to be at a certain time. Those things make me melt. I am a hopeless romantic and I literally can't help it. </div>
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I want someone who won't fart in front of me. Someone who loves cooking and likes cooking with a partner. I want someone who isn't stubborn because I'm stubborn enough for the both of us.</div>
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I want someone who likes to read and drink wine, learn new things, travel, laugh, experiment and live life to the fullest... but I also want someone who like me, is happy to not be on the go 24/7. I love cozy days at home! <br />
I need someone faithful. Trustworthy. </div>
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These are things I've always craved in relationships but never got and I always ended up disappointed. I don't want to settle anymore.</div>
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I don't want these things NOW... but when I'm ready, these are some of the things I need. </div>
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There's probably more basic steps to healing but I can't be bothered to write anymore. My fever is high and I fear I'm going to wind up in hospital having my tonsils removed at this rate so I'm off to rest. </div>
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Sorry this wasn't as humorous as most of my recent posts. I've been having a weird, emotional day and just needed to let it out.</div>
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This morning I've woken up and noticed that the heartache has finally started to ease. </div>
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The pangs of pain and realisation that I've lost my best friend and lover have dissipated.</div>
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My smile is no longer fake. </div>
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My laughter doesn't seem forced.</div>
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I can get out of bed and change out of my pajama's without it seeming to be the hardest thing to do in the world. </div>
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I can concentrate on books and taste the flavors in food again.</div>
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I can enjoy the feeling of the sand beneath my toes and my hands on the steering wheel of the car.</div>
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I can lace up my running shoes and have a good sweat out... and those endorphins don't disappear the moment I set foot back in doors.</div>
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It no longer hurts me when I see my ex partners friends remove me from their friends lists...</div>
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They never cared about my friendship to begin with.</div>
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I've accepted I was only ever tolerated.</div>
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So I don't give a crap about not having them there to judge me anymore.</div>
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Perhaps they don't realise just how shitty they actually are. </div>
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I owned up to all of my past mistakes and tried to right my wrongs...</div>
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but alas I was never enough for them.. </div>
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and I've learned that if people truly don't think you're good enough for them and just in general don't like you then good fucking riddance to them.</div>
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I'm at a place in my life where if I'm not the kind of person you want me to be then that's your problem.</div>
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I'm growing into the person I was always meant to be. </div>
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It's not been easy and I've been through hell to get here.</div>
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My anxiety and depression are things I've always been ashamed of but now I'm learning to love myself properly for the very first time... to pat myself on the back for working harder than ever on my flaws. </div>
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I know I'll never be perfect but I have certain issues that need addressing. </div>
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I have huge trust-issues and can get jealous at the smallest of things... but my sister-in-law and I had a big heart to heart recently and she made me understand that the only person I'm hurting by being jealous is myself. </div>
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If a person if going to cheat on you they are going to cheat on you. There's nothing you can do to stop that. </div>
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I've been living my life so cautiously over the past few years since S cheated on me with so many women... I never had the real time alone to deal with what happened so that I could heal and not let jealousy eat away like a cancer in future relationships. </div>
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I don't want to be the kind of girl I have been... the kind who is so insecure and measures herself up to every other woman in the world. I pick myself apart and steal the joy from my life by comparing myself to others. </div>
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I become so Goddamned paranoid by who my (ex) partners are texting or who they are talking to in a bar if I'm not there.... </div>
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but I've FINALLY realised that if they want to cheat on me nothing I can do will stop them but what will MAKE them be more likely to cheat is me literally having them on such a tight leash that they never have a life of their own. </div>
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I've finally learned that I need to let my insecurities go and it's the most freeing feeling in the world because the only thing I'm doing by being jealous and insecure and comparing myself to everyone else is ruining any chance I actually have of a peaceful, happy life. </div>
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I've been tethered to a life of self-doubt so far too long. I'm finally breaking free.</div>
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I don't know where the hell this road will take me now that my leash is gone.</div>
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I don't know where I want it to take me besides to that peaceful, happy life I and EVERYONE (even those aforementioned idiots...) deserve.</div>
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My life has become one big, 'I DON'T KNOW...' and I kind of like it.</div>
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I'm going to write a self-help book! </div>
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My immediate family laughed at me this afternoon when I made this announcement. They were all, 'YOU!? Write a self-help book!? Why don't you help yourself first before trying to help other people.' Yes.<br />
It was mean.<br />
I agree.</div>
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HOWEVER... </div>
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Having just been through my one hundred and thirteen billionth breakup (but hey, who's counting?) I've had a lot of very sweet messages from friends and followers over the past two weeks and their messages all pretty much boil down to the fact that a) I've been through A LOT of shit and b) I always seem to land on my feet.</div>
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Right now I'm clearly feet up in the air feeling pretty bloody sorry myself but facts are facts and at some stage once the grief and self-pity has passed the truth is YES.... I do end up landing on my feet.</div>
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I'm like a cat.... but with a fuck more lives than 9 to keep me going after all the shit I've been through!!!</div>
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So here it is... </div>
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I predominantly write fiction.</div>
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Thrillers to be exact.... </div>
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But I've come to realise that if I can help just ONE other person in the world then that will make my life complete so I'm going to write a self-help book. </div>
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God knows if it's ever going to go anywhere because from what I know you have to be relatively well known for books like that to make it in the industry but who bloody cares at this point? </div>
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This book will be about all the nitty gritty in life that so many people hide and refuse to speak out about. It's not only going to be about living a life with anxiety and depression and having a history of self-harm but it's also going to be about breakups in general, feeling excluded, social anxiety, body dysmorphia, comfort eating, alcoholism, narcotics, abusive relationships, trust-issues, the lies of brave faces, being sexually assaulted, feeling unlovable, the motions of breakups and SLOWLY becoming enough to be WHO YOU REALLY ARE..... (that's the part I'm going through right now.. the others I either already have or am currently battling through too). </div>
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I don't want it to be a depressing book even though it sounds it from all the aforementioned delightful traits people like me possess..... </div>
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I want to help people..... because like I've been told lately, no matter what it is I go through somehow I DO end up landing on my feet and not pulling the proverbial trigger on the gun (only because there isn't a real one to pull... KIDDING..... sometimes...).</div>
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I want to help others land on their feet too.... even if it's just one other person. </div>
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I just want to help other people going through a rough time and give them something relate-able... something they can understand and feel and comprehend. I want to show them I know what it's like, maybe not EXACTLY because everyone's shit is different - but the way those things make them feel, the things they do that cocks things up in their lives and the potential things they could do to fix not their actions but THEMSELVES is what I want to focus on.</div>
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That's my new project..</div>
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I'm thinking of calling it, 'How to<span style="font-size: x-small;"> (Somehow)</span> Always Land on Your Feet,' by Jade Lee Wright.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhoJd1EIfoXqJIH3mmUT3fI3Mmy40vfPsOnlIIPGt4Fdm2oePyPLc8Dk97YMhaOiXwkXCSqvdBY3BhLBFNRTo8dViqcnf_ibbR7gYVQ0eISr6fS5XNizTVOanFDKUVIdVfR2zoaT6PDPqM/s1600/IMG_20190612_101804_051.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1080" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhoJd1EIfoXqJIH3mmUT3fI3Mmy40vfPsOnlIIPGt4Fdm2oePyPLc8Dk97YMhaOiXwkXCSqvdBY3BhLBFNRTo8dViqcnf_ibbR7gYVQ0eISr6fS5XNizTVOanFDKUVIdVfR2zoaT6PDPqM/s320/IMG_20190612_101804_051.jpg" width="320" /></a>I went for a run yesterday morning to start the day and was in the middle of doing some stretches afterwards when my dad walked passed me, stopped abruptly and asked me what on earth I was doing...</div>
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I must have been doing it wrong because he asked me to please try not to break the cupboard..... which is marble so pretty much impossible for me to damage. </div>
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I do feel rather insulted by his request...</div>
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Then Kerry stumbled out for the first time in days clutching a cigarette in her shaking fingers and called my father 'Whiskey-Face....' </div>
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Clearly trying to make herself feel better after being unconscious for the last 72 hours from what I suspect was alcohol poisoning.<br />
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I went out and had wine and ultra cheesy nachos with a friend I've always called G-Spot... not that he would know where my g-spot is because I've never found it myself. Oh - and we've never done the... you know... deed.<br />
He very helpfully figured out exactly what's wrong with me (if you believe in horoscopes and all that jazz).<br />
He told me I'm both a Bull (Taurus. May. VERY stubborn.) And a Goat (Chinese astrology what-the-fuckery).<br />
In layman's terms.... I'm two incredibly stubborn earth signs rolled into one mighty mess. Thanks mum and dad for conceiving me during the WORST possible time. I'm all your fault. Literally.<br />
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Google told me that my best Chinese horoscope matches are Rabbits, Horses or Pigs.<br />
So basically I could either be with someone who fucks like a rabbit, is hung like a horse or lives like a pig.<br />
I swear life just keeps getting better for me.<br />
I also strongly believe I've been with all 3 of these types of people before.<br />
<br />
Google also told me Goats eat and urinate most frequently.<br />
At least it got something right.</div>
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<br />
We're also currently in 2019 (just in case you didn't know).<br />
The year of the pig.<br />
This explains EVERYTHING.<br />
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Maybe I do believe in this whole horoscope thing...</div>
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In other news... I did not get the job heading to the black sea next week which is depressing as I'd really thought the interview had gone well. </div>
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I'm going to google my horoscope and figure out my life... hold on.</div>
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Fuck.</div>
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On March 7th Uranus entered my sign FOR THE NEXT 7 YEARS.</div>
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I don't know what that means but it sounds bad.</div>
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I swear you couldn't make this stuff up.</div>
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I went on a daily horoscope thingy and it said:</div>
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<i>'Today will suit you but don't expect miracles. Now is a time for healing (accurate). In the weeks ahead you will restore harmony to your energies and regain your fitness with improved diet and lifestyle (I am incredibly stiff from running....). Your emotional life gets an overhaul as well, as you find the courage to confront certain unsettling issues. </i></div>
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Right....</div>
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You know how people say you can never believe horoscopes because the people who write them find a way to relate it to absolutely everyone?? Well - I for one think this was FREAKISHLY accurate.</div>
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It scared me a little. </div>
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Oh goodie there's a page about what tomorrow has in store for me. Lets have a look-see.</div>
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Crap.</div>
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<span style="background-color: #fafafa; font-family: freight-text-pro, serif; font-size: 18px; text-align: start;"><i>You may not know which way to turn, Taurus. You may be emotionally weighed down by sentimental feelings and memories that bind you to the past. You may also feel restricted by authority figures who've been around the block more times than you, and therefore feel they have the right to tell you how to run your life. Try not to let your thoughts get tied up in either of these scenarios.</i></span></div>
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So FYI people.. tomorrow will be a bad day for me. I'll probably be in a snot-filled breakdown crying into the Carlton footie jumper I got from my ex. </div>
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Yeah.... if you need me tomorrow that's where I'll be. </div>
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HOWEVER... it rates your general moods out of 5 stars and today I only got a 2 star rating for sex and it shoots up to 4 stars tomorrow.... so this is promising. </div>
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It also gives you cards of the day.. kind of like tarot I guess and tomorrows card is The Hanged Man..... brilliant. </div>
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It means: An unsettling mysterious card (no shit...). <span style="background-color: #fafafa; font-family: freight-text-pro, serif; font-size: 18px;"><i>By letting go and giving up, as painful as it may be, this symbolism suggests that we can overcome restrictions, find what we have been looking for, and ultimately become free, self-determined beings.</i></span></div>
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Excuse me for a minute while I go and bookmark this horoscope page.......</div>
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Oh yes.</div>
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I've been running just under 5ks this week while listening to Bridget Jones Diary - The Edge of Reason. </div>
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I think I enjoy these books so much because there's finally a person more marvelously fucked up than I am.</div>
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Except Bridget's fictional.</div>
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Ventured out of the comforts of my bed yesterday to buy ingredients to make pasta as I'd seen some FABULOUS person on instagram who has the name 'Less Upsetti More Spaghetti.' </div>
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I instantly had an intense craving for bolognese.</div>
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Dad and I stopped at the bowling club on the way to the store so he could fix some complicated looking electrical whatsitt so I sat in the corner and continued to read Furiously Happy by Jenny Lawson.</div>
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There are TWO reasons I burst into floods of tears at the bowling club. </div>
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1. M and I had been there just the other day getting bowling lessons from my dad and the memories came back to me like a punch in the gut.</div>
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2. There's an entire chapter in Furiously Happy about Jenny's trip to Australia. NOT the right time, Jenny. Not the right time at all. </div>
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I'd been avoiding picking up another book called Six Minutes by Petronella McGovern as it's set in Canberra and I just can't handle anything to do with Australia right now. I mean, even when looking for a jigsaw puzzle to keep my mind busy the cheapest one I could find was of Sydney.... REALLY!? Thank you life.</div>
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Once more during my breakdown cuddled into my fathers shoulder (yes I am aware I am far too old to do that but I'm in a very fragile state...) I had some revelations.</div>
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I realised the closest I will ever come to a Koala is fingering ones arse at Steve Irwin's zoo.</div>
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I'll never see the Great Barrier Reef, surf in Byron Bay or live happily ever after with M.</div>
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I am coming to terms with that now... coming to terms with everything I've lost and everything I'll never have. </div>
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I was up until 4am this morning scouring the internet for jobs on yachts and ski resorts. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKv9xqPuR7cVceZfqaaF2MiqTkHCuduOtZ4cdtYREHHSFobCUysbPSuZ0YVt8NVLkyIm0SuNPN5YhAysD_Zfbm-FNU_U2MMX-8ZpnAzyxsornnTosgCRUP3aW_wWnk_6mIygCIp7lyqBI/s1600/20190611_085228.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKv9xqPuR7cVceZfqaaF2MiqTkHCuduOtZ4cdtYREHHSFobCUysbPSuZ0YVt8NVLkyIm0SuNPN5YhAysD_Zfbm-FNU_U2MMX-8ZpnAzyxsornnTosgCRUP3aW_wWnk_6mIygCIp7lyqBI/s320/20190611_085228.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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I have the qualifications needed and considering I'm penniless this would be a good way to get back on my feet relatively quickly.</div>
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The yachts made me miserable in the past but I was held back by an ex boyfriend who wouldn't let me travel so I was stuck on shitty day cruise boats filled with prostitutes and drugs... so I'd only accept a job offer on a yacht if it is in a healthier environment. </div>
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I've always wanted to work a ski season. Snow and winter are some of my favorite things.. and if I had the chance to base myself in Banff or Jasper I'd be thrilled. </div>
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Right now I am eagerly awaiting a video call interview for a possible job leaving for The Black Sea NEXT WEEK. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjB6pKaMgblia2Q7NXgl4BwHU8GdrMvtqYilt-oHM4hyjdnFm5A1dH_AvqSV-YLdvEtlVI9xtHi8xUK-P7_fDSCVSYc3M8FUi3ZSCD8g3ckkRMnZpDPjo0be_xwZYwrSd7NDIvCj5CkKso/s1600/IMG_20190611_110821_680.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1375" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjB6pKaMgblia2Q7NXgl4BwHU8GdrMvtqYilt-oHM4hyjdnFm5A1dH_AvqSV-YLdvEtlVI9xtHi8xUK-P7_fDSCVSYc3M8FUi3ZSCD8g3ckkRMnZpDPjo0be_xwZYwrSd7NDIvCj5CkKso/s320/IMG_20190611_110821_680.jpg" width="275" /></a></div>
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Seriously did NOT think this would be where life was taking me but there you go.</div>
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All I know right now is that I cannot and will not continue to live at home watching my mother deteriorate daily. At this current moment in time at 12pm she is face-planted in bed in clothes she hasn't changed out of since Friday last week and has a bottle of vodka swirling around her liver. She's unconscious, again. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I can't live in an environment like that ever but especially not right now when I am heartbroken and in a dark place of my own. It brings me down immensely. The fabulous thing about this yacht job is that it's 2 months with not one day off so no drinking at all and a crew gym to workout and focus on health and happiness. Yes PUH-LEASE.</div>
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If however I don't land this gig on the yacht it would appear I have timed my return to Knysna well considering the Knysna Oyster Festival is coming up. </div>
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I'm thinking I can just drown myself in a mountain of freshly shucked oysters.</div>
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That would be a happy death.</div>
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You never really know what's going to happen after a breakup. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
It's different for everyone... for me, it seems particularly brutal in that all of the aforementioned girls who never accepted me deleted me from Facebook (one of them, the one I'd considered myself closest with actually BLOCKED me and I hadn't said or done anything....). </div>
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They THEN told M that I had deleted them which is bizarre.</div>
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I actually can't believe the cheek of it. </div>
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This slap in the face has turned into a full on punch that has seriously baffled me. </div>
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I just can't believe it. </div>
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What the actual fuck?</div>
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<a href="https://scontent.fcpt4-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/62356728_10161745961990307_8978386492405579776_n.jpg?_nc_cat=102&_nc_eui2=AeE6If-aWnu0wYHWEXejts-62Lvsvx0_ch4_NNINKd59Lq9I7y0NGcuO3ncUqHm0UOnhALwoyABOz-jFrGAkN1z4vFNk-fySpNaT6ls9o1drrg&_nc_ht=scontent.fcpt4-1.fna&oh=ef78e58b9043d46f6479abf5243af593&oe=5D7FEB72" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em; text-align: justify;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://scontent.fcpt4-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/62356728_10161745961990307_8978386492405579776_n.jpg?_nc_cat=102&_nc_eui2=AeE6If-aWnu0wYHWEXejts-62Lvsvx0_ch4_NNINKd59Lq9I7y0NGcuO3ncUqHm0UOnhALwoyABOz-jFrGAkN1z4vFNk-fySpNaT6ls9o1drrg&_nc_ht=scontent.fcpt4-1.fna&oh=ef78e58b9043d46f6479abf5243af593&oe=5D7FEB72" width="320" /></a><br />
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I'm trying my very best to move forward... after a seriously rough morning with my 'mother' being her usual alcoholic self I took myself out for a run. </div>
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And you know what?? </div>
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I felt better for a while. </div>
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I got home, did some stretches, ran a hot bath, meditated.... </div>
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But then my eyes once again filled with tears and I broke. </div>
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<br /></div>
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I was supposed to start renovating the cottage with my dad today but I should have known it wouldn't happen. </div>
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My family are the most unmotivated people I know. </div>
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I'm stuck in my own head... </div>
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I keep wondering why I'm not good enough. Why people are so nasty to me. </div>
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I know this sounds like I'm playing the victim.... and I suppose I am but I do feel like the victim here. How can I not??? </div>
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I was dumped, kicked out the country, left with nothing, literally penniless, have returned to the most vile and toxic environment you could possibly imagine... blocked and deleted by my exes friends. What did I ever do to them?? </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
If there is one thing I have learned through this it's that I'm glad I'm not part of that shitty friendship circle anymore anyway. I was never good enough for them and was never given the chance to prove to them who I could really be... and now here I am completely devastated, broken, writing my feelings to no one because no one actually reads this shit but it's my only outlet these days. </div>
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I don't want to talk to friends about it because I don't want to bring them down with my shit. </div>
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And all they say is I'll be OK, take it one day at a time, I'm a fighter etc etc etc.... it's a load of bollucks. </div>
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Life is a load of bollucks.</div>
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Yeah... can you tell I'm having a bad day???</div>
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Yesterday was a relatively productive day.</div>
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I got up around 4am - my body clocks usual time these days.. and got to work unpacking my suitcase. I guess I was still in denial and living out of a suitcase seemed easier than to unpack it... because that felt like closing a chapter I'm frankly still not ready to let go of.</div>
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But I did it.</div>
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I got boxes of my old clothes and random bits and bobs from the storage room and sifted through those... I found old clothes, jewellery, furniture, shoes etc.</div>
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It was kind of like going to a second-hand store after all these years.</div>
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<a href="https://scontent.fcpt4-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/62353925_10161742289265307_8590868532638515200_n.jpg?_nc_cat=110&_nc_ht=scontent.fcpt4-1.fna&oh=bb5069ea0f1e2ec26711d8d7063ccf24&oe=5D8BD312" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em; text-align: justify;"><img alt="Image may contain: 1 person, smiling, standing, cloud, sky, outdoor and nature" border="0" height="320" src="https://scontent.fcpt4-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/62353925_10161742289265307_8590868532638515200_n.jpg?_nc_cat=110&_nc_ht=scontent.fcpt4-1.fna&oh=bb5069ea0f1e2ec26711d8d7063ccf24&oe=5D8BD312" width="320" /></a></div>
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I was delighted to find my leopard print onesie which is currently keeping me toasty in the 3 degree climate.</div>
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I found my Olympia E-PL7 camera which I'm going to start using this week and work on my photography skills.</div>
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I threw out a bunch of crap I seemingly hoarded ... except for all the stuff that remind me of M. The Face Your Fears jumper he bought me after he'd bungee jumped... the Carlton footie jumper he got me just 2 weeks ago for my birthday... my beanie from Canada... a Brisbane hoodie...</div>
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I folded them into a pile and packed them away in the back of my cupboard where I can't see them but I know they're still there.</div>
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I just can't let them go.</div>
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This is the most painful breakup I have ever gone through.</div>
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The ironic thing is that my promise ring from M broke the other day and I had it repaired but I can't bring myself to collect it because I can't look at it.</div>
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Basically... I'm completely lost.</div>
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To make matters worse, caught mum (who from here on in will be called Kerry because I no longer associate myself with her as my family) drinking gin at 5am this morning.... this is after she'd been unconscious yesterday afternoon when her grandchildren came over for a family BBQ.</div>
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Dad and I took the bottle from her and she called me a cunt and told me it's no wonder M doesn't want me anymore.... which is wonderful really.</div>
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Alcoholics are a disgraceful life form. Even though she's completely lost her mind, has let the booze destroy her brain and body - she still manages to a) say the MOST hurtful things humanly possible to those around her and b) somehow find hiding spots for booze you would never think of yourself such as in shampoo bottles and inside her telescope.</div>
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I am aware this is a very private topic to be spoken about so publicly but I honestly couldn't care less.</div>
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Rehab is voluntary and she doesn't think she has a problem (ha!). Regardless, rehab refuses to take her unless she goes to hospital first to detox. Which she won't do.</div>
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The only way forward is a mental institute and considering her brain has rotted away I think it's the best place for her.</div>
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The mother I once had who was my best friend and travel buddy is gone. The mum with bold red spiral curled hair and a passion for art and who was the most creative and loving person I knew is dead. She is dead. My mother doesn't exist anymore. She's been replaced with a balding, skin and bone blubbering mess who makes no sense and can't even walk.</div>
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I've tried everything. I've tried doing Sober October or various other alcohol free challenges. I've tried talking to her nicely and offering to support her in every way possible. I've tried pushing her out of my life completely. I've tried everything to no avail. There is nothing more I can do. I'm sorry but I give up.</div>
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Being back in this environment, in a home that until this morning was sickeningly filthy (I scrubbed the shit (literally) out of the place after the gin situation) and having to live with someone who calls me a bitch, a cunt and tell me it's no wonder the love of my life doesn't want me... it's beyond toxic. Yet I have no where else to go. I am penniless. I gave everything I had to give to M and it still wasn't enough to pay him back for everything he did for us... so even though I had a job until recently the salary I earned is M's because it's his, really.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I literally have nothing.</div>
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I hear all these stories about how people just bugger off, leaving everything they ever had behind and starting from scratch again but I don't know how.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
How do you afford to go somewhere new? How do you afford to start up again when literally all you have is $18 AUS dollars in your bag that your father gave you so you could buy some lunch.... when I say I having nothing left I mean it. I realise some don't even have that $18 dollars and at least I have a roof over my head... I know I should be grateful but it's so hard to be when this is what I live with.</div>
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I'm embarrassed and ashamed of my life.</div>
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I don't want to be in South Africa but at the same time this is the first time I've had my dad, brother, sister-in-law and nephews close by for years. Being able to bond with my dad and have brother/sister time and watch my nephews grow up is something I haven't had until now... but how can I stay in an environment so toxic?</div>
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<div style="text-align: justify;">
Dad and I are supposed to start renovating the cottage today. Smashing walls down seems like a delightful thing to do today given my current mental state.</div>
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I just don't know if I should renovate the cottage, move in there at the end of July, write a new book and just take a year to have all the things I haven't had in years.... even if it means living on the same property as the worst mother in the world. It would be lovely to have my cats and dedicate time to doing the things I'm passionate about: writing, reading, cooking, podcasting, youtubing etc.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
It doesn't pay the bills but dads said he'd help me out for a year while I try and figure out what I want to do in life.... but then I'll be 29 and still penniless.... hopefully with a bestselling novel under my arm but still.</div>
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I've come to terms with the fact that I will never be rich. I'll never have an incredible job and be able to buy my own house. I'll never get married or have children. If I never have sex or a boyfriend again I'd be A-OK with that. I'm not saying that because I'm bitter... it's just a fact. I refuse to start over again with someone new. I don't want that.</div>
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I went back through my blog posts from before M and found a post promising myself I would never move country for a man ever again and look what I did.... I moved to Australia to be with M. I gave up a beautiful flat where I could go to sleep every night listening to the roaring waves, I gave up an incredible job at the best art gallery in South Africa, I sold all of the furniture I'd bought myself, spent my life savings and left all of my friends and family behind.</div>
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Now I'm back with nothing.</div>
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This is a level of pain I have never experienced before. I gave myself completely and even though I know I cocked things up with my insecurities and anxiety I still tried the best I possibly could.</div>
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I'm still trying today... but trying for what I have no idea. To keep breathing.... really.</div>
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It's now 6am and I'm waiting for the sun to come up so I can put on some workout clothes and go for a C25K run where the chance of being grabbed and murdered in a bush here in South Africa is drastically high. Yay.</div>
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I downloaded an app called My Affirmations and recorded myself saying things like, 'I am enough,' and 'I release all negativity and hold joy in my heart.' It plays with some relaxing music... so I listen to that a few times a day...</div>
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I also got the Dry Days by AlcoChallenge app which monitors how many days you go without drinking, counts the calories you would have had if you had been drinking and even tallies up how much money you've saved.... not that I have any money to save because I have no money.... but the calorie thing is pretty neat.</div>
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I downloaded the Zero app which is a guide to intermittent fasting which I've still been sticking to. I do the 16 hour fast and then eat within an 8 hour bracket.</div>
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The keto things is going to be hard to keep up with in South Africa because starchy foods is pretty much everyone's staple diet here. It's the only thing anyone can afford!</div>
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I also downloaded a To Do List to try and be productive... so like I mentioned yesterday was good... and today besides being crushingly insulted by KERRY (or should I just call her Demon??) I did clean the heck out of the filthiest kitchen I have ever been into (no exaggeration).</div>
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I'm going to buy a plant.... because I want to watch something bloom. It will be kind of like me blooming.... metaphorically.</div>
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I'm going to knock down some walls, level up tiles and paint the walls of the cottage... plot my next novel which currently has no premise, no title and no characters... great!</div>
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I'm going to shave my legs... because I kind of need to. Not that anyone will be touching them ever again but I'm starting to resemble an ape.</div>
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I'm going to get my nails done by a friend of mine who is qualified because I need some TLC...</div>
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I'm going to meditate daily, exercise, intermittent fast, stop drinking every day, see friends, cuddle my cat, take my dog for a walk on the beach, surf, stretch, record podcast episodes, film booktube videos and slowly but surely try and figure out what the hell I should do with my 28 year old arse that currently has a twitch in the left butt cheek. Even my arse is begging me to do some squats.</div>
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I'm also going to murder the rooster next door.</div>
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Ahem...</div>
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36 hours and 4 flights later... I returned to South Africa one week ago today. </div>
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I've really gone through the motions here.</div>
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I started out the travels with pig slit eyes that I feared would make me unrecognisable to my passport photo. I'll put it bluntly. I got dumped. </div>
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Dumped. By the man I truly thought was the love of my life. The man I gave up everything more. Moved to Australia for. Spent my life savings on. At first I really believed we would be OK. I thought we'd take a bit of a break and both do some of our own personal healing and then I'd come back home to him... to our beautiful flat and start fresh. How stupid of me. </div>
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A few days in and he'd cancelled my gym membership, packed all my shit into boxes ready to ship across the globe. I received an email basically saying I need to accept the fact that we are over. </div>
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As brutal as it was - I can never be angry with him. I know I messed up. I pushed so hard for things we weren't ready for... marriage, kids, animals etc... I was struggling in Australia because I was finding it so hard to find meaningful friendships of my own and his friends never accepted me. They would never give me the chance to show them the real, happy, fun me... they only ever saw the me that has intense anxiety and insecurity issues. They never knew the true me and that hurts so much because I am such a good person with a huge heart.</div>
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I completely freaked out when M told me he wouldn't move forward with me unless we had his friends blessings..... and I knew I wouldn't get that. So the downward spiral began.... I tried reaching out to the girls and putting myself out there... but I was ignored at first then received pretty nasty responses from some of them basically saying I am just not their type of person... that they would be civil with me in a group but that their friendships with the other girls are separate. </div>
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This gutted me... I didn't feel good enough. I didn't understand... I love the same kind of things as them. I love craft markets, coffee shops, creative activities, plants... I truly just felt I was never given the opportunity to show them that side of me. </div>
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Living a life with social anxiety is awful... I get nervous, sweaty palmed, clam up and feel WEIRD around people I don't know.... it's so hard to live that way and it's something I am working on. I just don't get it - those who really know me KNOW how outgoing and fun I am... I am not anxious around them... nor am I anxious around people I meet myself... but it's something about feeling judged when it comes to my (ex) partners friends that gets in my head too much. I don't know why I can't just be myself. It feels so pressurizing and I feel like I'm just not good enough. In South Africa I have the big personality amongst my friends but when other big personalities come in it makes me crawl inside of myself like a turtle into its shell. Those that know me wouldn't recognise who I become when I am intimidated like that. I wish I could fix it... and I'm trying to. It's just hard and now the man I truly believed was my happily ever after has tossed me out.. given up on me.</div>
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Being back in South Africa is weird because I'm instantly just me again.... besides the emotional breakdowns at the most random of times. I cried within the first 10 seconds of Mary fekking Poppins. I burst into floods of tears in the middle of the grocery store when I was trying to find a new face wash and my dad wasn't quite sure how to handle it. He asked me what was wrong and I just sobbed, 'It's just not the same!' </div>
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Frankly.... I have been a blubbering mess for 7 days. </div>
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It completely mindfucks me that you can be the happiest you've ever been, thinking of the rest of your life with a person and just a few days later you have nothing and no one and are in the darkest place you've ever been. </div>
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I've lost everything... I'd do anything to turn back the clock and just appreciate the happy moments again just one last time. </div>
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So originally my plan was to come back home, NOT wallow in self-pity, transform my mindset into a positive one and HEAL so I could go back to Australia and make everything right. </div>
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However... when it became apparent that I was not welcome back into the arms of my former lover or past border control in Australia I fell to pieces. </div>
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Then.... I realised it's OK to be heartbroken and cry right now... but that this is now my time for ME. I need to heal and release a lot of pain from my past. I want to start living in the moment and have gratitude for the present moment instead of always focusing on the future. Truthfully, I was obsessed. I have always been a control-freak. A planner. I need to know where I'm going in life... so to be so lost right now has knocked me completely off-kilter but that's exactly what I need. </div>
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I fresh perspective. I need to let go and stop trying to figure out the rest of my life. I need to start appreciating just the current hour I'm living in (6am).</div>
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So this is it... this is the start of my journey. </div>
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Before I sign off - I wanted to share a funny story that has absolutely nothing to do with anything but it made me laugh and I want to start finding the humor in every moment now...</div>
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So I almost thought I'd won the jackpot for the easiest and most comfortable flights EVER on the way back to South Africa. I usually always get wedged in between obese, snoring, smelly people or hounded by a random American who I wake up to touching my leg beneath the blankets! But this time I had an entire row of seats to myself so I could sprawl out.. and the amazing aircrew doted on me hand and foot (potentially due to the fact that I looked like someone had just died....). </div>
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Alas on the last stretch of the journey I was seated next to a giant African man who JUST as I'd dozed off whacked me on the arm and asked me if tornado's are snakes.</div>
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He. Asked. Me. If. Tornado's. Were. SNAKES. </div>
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Yes you read that correctly.</div>
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He started telling me how in his village they get these black winds that destroy their homes and he told me those black winds are actually snakes and he wondered if tornado's were the same thing.... I mean... really????</div>
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Bleary eyed I tried to explain to him that tornados are a natural disaster formed by 2 different temperatures meeting or some crap because SOMEHOW I managed to retain that information from my sporadic school days... </div>
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Apart from that I have been spending quality time with my brother, making podcast episodes and booktube videos which is something I always loved to do but I lost that passion in Australia because no one there really quite understood it. But I am back. I'm going to start doing what I love again. Even if other people think it's weird. </div>
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It's not. It's me. I'm embracing that now. </div>
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<u><b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Keto Day 4 – Thursday 30<sup>th</sup> May</span></b></u></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>08:47am - </b><br /><br />Sitting behind my desk at work with puffy eyes but feeling pretty darn proud of myself for the following reasons:</span></div>
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<li><div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I stepped on the scale this morning and in 4 days despite my cheating I have managed to somehow lose 2kg's!! </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">(I'm putting it down to more the intermittent fasting??)</span></div>
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<li style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I previously mentioned I had some personal stuff going on (hence the puffy eyes...). <br /><br />Well, I have put myself out there, been true to myself, admitted my wrong-doings, removed toxic people from my life, spoken from the heart in the nicest way possible and overall just tried my hardest. I've realized how much I have grown in the last few months. <br />While I may still not be quite strong enough to hold in the tears because hell man, life is hard sometimes.... <br />I've matured and become a version of myself I am really enjoying and respecting. <br />I guess the problem is that some people will just never give you the chance to prove that... <br />But that's their business. <br />Especially when I have tried so hard to show them how much I've grown. </span></li>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Oh yeah… pie and wine update…
sadly I didn’t even get to indulge in the filthy frozen pie last night or the
steamed broccoli. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">I was in such a state I
couldn’t eat. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">It’s hard feeling like you’ll never be good enough or people will
never give you the chance you need… </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">so I basically wallowed in self-pity with two glasses of wine and maybe a sneaky Ferraro Rocher... then cried myself
to sleep….</span></div>
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<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">Silver lining was the 2kg
weight loss this morning! There’s always a positive somewhere….. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">it may just be hard to find sometimes.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><b>10:17am -</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">I just got electrocuted. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">My days just keep getting better!!</span></div>
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I'm also hangry... and just down in general.</div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><b>10:21am -</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Just found this and really liked it so thought I'd share it with whoever is actually reading my rambles. <br />If you are... please say hi in the comments. <br />It's nice to know someone out there, you know?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><img alt="No photo description available." height="320" src="https://scontent-syd2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/61384289_10106661070742840_507155983194128384_n.jpg?_nc_cat=106&_nc_eui2=AeHgupQy1fl48-X1lCh3xrT1ZqoCuPFBq-qcDP0VHxcn8zXUNTTsZ8aZRFWLxhK1GQEHCCXNtV1QlyKSJPUyzgPtrAu3vKp52omS0FJRkiS5Tg&_nc_ht=scontent-syd2-1.xx&oh=c5810d17b7e40c789b33ccdb979f74ce&oe=5D9188C5" width="320" /></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><b>12:18pm -</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Just hard boiled two eggs - one of my greatest talents is shoving them in my mouth and eating them in one go. Fun fact! </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Been through torture the past 15 minutes as there's an event at work and I had to plate up delicious looking sandwiches, rice paper rolls, cake slices and more... my stomach was in physical pain at the sight and smell of it all! </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">But just ate my eggs... </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Jade: 1</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Cruelty: 0</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><b>14:47pm -</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Cruelty: 10,578</span><br />
<span style="font-family: arial, sans-serif;">Jade: -10,579</span><br />
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<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><u><b>WARNING... THIS BLOG POST CONTAINS EXPLICIT CONTENT! </b></u></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><u><b><br /></b></u></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><u><b>Keto Day 2 – Tuesday 28<sup>th</sup>
May</b></u><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">What a fail. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">It started off well! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">I precooked a keto omelet as
shown in my previous post and waited till the clock struck twelve to gobble it
down. So I stuck to the intermittent fasting of 16 hours which I was honestly
so proud of! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://dm2305files.storage.live.com/y4p_zJvz5TclxnmGnHhUQVSl9PgzsMCf0cQL3BNdPWWTQpi3UgPZgjuAAKfci1ldrf8RhuNQRQIXTgQs0RtnNWR-S8GvCGN9bCBjuIKazuRF-z3ycAhS3t2U2HN7ChCCu_xrqolHGOYy8hrgFSMHVu7yHNO3uQs0jcQVINCHw0pY38d6Y0Le6-qrYJJA62Pe_Bo/20190521_125901.jpg?psid=1&width=697&height=929" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://dm2305files.storage.live.com/y4p_zJvz5TclxnmGnHhUQVSl9PgzsMCf0cQL3BNdPWWTQpi3UgPZgjuAAKfci1ldrf8RhuNQRQIXTgQs0RtnNWR-S8GvCGN9bCBjuIKazuRF-z3ycAhS3t2U2HN7ChCCu_xrqolHGOYy8hrgFSMHVu7yHNO3uQs0jcQVINCHw0pY38d6Y0Le6-qrYJJA62Pe_Bo/20190521_125901.jpg?psid=1&width=697&height=929" width="240" /></a><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">BUT THEN….<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">I caught the train home after
work and went straight to a bottle of South African red wine. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">I was feeling homesick and
upset about a couple of personal issues that have been going on in my life. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">I uncorked the bottle and
poured myself a generous glass. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Bliss. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">I accompanied the wine with a
bag of already opened packet of salt and vinegar crisps…… the large packet.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">But hey – in my defense if I
didn’t eat it the crisps would have just gone stale! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Sacrilege! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Anyway… <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">I’m just not the kind of
person that can have one glass. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">I either drink or I don’t…
hey, at least I’m honest! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">M came home a bit later – interrupting
my girly session on the sofa watching The Bachelorette episode 3! But he had
good news and poured himself a glass of wine too.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">He had an interview for a new
job and it went really well so we munched our crisps and celebrated with our
wine then quickly cooked up some basa fish fillets with asparagus spears and
green beans with some butter. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">We didn’t finish the bottle
but it’s open now so I guess I’ll be having a glass tomorrow, too! But if I
just have one glass every evening until the bottles finished that’s still
acceptable….. I think.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Like I said, I’m not really
the kind of person who can just have one glass so this will be a challenge.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Still waiting for my copy of
The Alcohol Experiment by Annie Grace to arrive so there’s no point in starting
the 30 day challenge without that book as a guide yet anyway!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><u><b>Keto Day 3 – Wednesday 29<sup>th</sup>
May</b></u><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">10:40am – I’m ravenous. I
have got to find a way to stop looking at the clock and waiting for it to be
12pm…. I’ve had two green teas and am now sipping on a peppermint tea trying to
get by before lunch. I’m having leftover basa fillet with asparagus and green
beans but it’s not a full portion so I’ve also got some almonds to munch on
before dinner.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">10:42am – I have to admit I’m
looking forward to that glass of red later… <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">12:15pm - Ahhh that was good. Now time to make a black coffee...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">12:31pm - Geez it's cold in Brisbane now that winters coming. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">OK - I know I'm being a woos... it's 22 degrees Celsius! </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">I love the cold weather but I always forget to pack warm things for the office (which is freezing!). </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">I have my hands wrapped around my mug to warm them up and an earphone in my ear. </span><br />
<a href="http://marykubica.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/thegoodgirl_FINLAND.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="Image result for the good girl by mary kubica" border="0" src="http://marykubica.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/thegoodgirl_FINLAND.jpg" height="320" width="212" /></a><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">I'm listening to The Good Girl by Mary Kubica on audible.... again. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">I've had to restart this book a million times already. I just can't seem to connect with it at all. It's odd because I LOVE thrillers / crimes / mysteries... and I'd heard great things about this book. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Maybe it's the constant switching between past and present tense that's throwing me off - but then I've enjoyed books like that in the past! </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">It's about this girl that disappeared and it flits between her mother finding out she's missing to when she's back home but obviously very traumatized and it also has more alternating chapters between the investigator and the abductor.... it's a bit sporadic for me I think. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">BUT then I haven't really been getting into audio books much at all lately... </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">I enjoyed Bridget Jones Diary by Helen Fielding (because that woman is like my spirit animal) but other than that I've been going for more non-fiction lately.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;"><i>Some I've read recently include:</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">The Gifts of Imperfections by Brene Brown (5 stars)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">The Barefoot Investor by Scott Pape (5 stars)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Attached by Amir Levine (3 stars)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">This is Going to Hurt by Adam Kay (5 stars)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">It Burns by Marc Fennell (5 stars)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Chase Darkness With Me by Billy Jensen (5 stars and more if I could!!)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">I keep getting lost with The Good Girl... such a pity.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">12:44pm - Asked Mark what he feels like for dinner considering we don't have much in the fridge at the moment besides some broccoli. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">He said he's happy with a frozen beef pie from Coles that's in our freezer and steamed broccoli.... great.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Keto will NEVER work for me! </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Hahaha</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">13:50pm: Munching my almonds and chatting to fellow keto people on this great group I discovered on Facebook called Filthy Keto! </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">It's the most non-judgmental, honest, fun group of people trying out keto while still having cheat days, swear and occasionally talk about the nutritional value of semen... </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">These people sound RIGHT up my street!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">I asked them on a scale of 1-10 how bad would it be if I had that frozen pie tonight and one of the responses was: "It would honestly be really bad BUT tomorrow is a new day!"</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">This is a great group for people who like me can't commit completely to keto and stuff it up - cheat and indulge sometimes on the big no-no's.... and they understand you, support you! The power of the internet. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">15:18pm: I was being so good!!! </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">I was still feeling peckish so had half a stick of cucumber and another peppermint tea.... then my manager offered me some plain salted crisps..... since I'm already having a glass of wine AND a filthy frozen pie later anyway..... why not??? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">So my calorie count for the day is now 592. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">It DOES say that these potato chips in particular are low in saturated fats, though......</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">I'm just going to pretend I know what that means and continue to play Words Against Friends. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">I gave up on The Good Girl AGAIN and am now listening to a podcast by Carly and Jade from The Bachelor! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">They just released their new podcast called Mommies Tell All and I'm loving it right now! Considering I want to be pregnant when I'm 30 (2 years to go...eeek!) if the world finally goes my way, this is a pretty fun and interesting podcast to listen to. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Their current topic of conversation is naming their partners penis's (Pen-I??? Hahaha) and when they stop having sex because their partners think their dicks will hurt the baby..... which I don't think is possible.....?? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">But then what do I know...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Back to the keto-ish / diet blog.... </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi;">Fairly positive after the wine, pie and most likely more wine I'll be over my calorie limit for the day. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: arial, sans-serif;">I'm managing to stick to the intermittent fasting (with difficulty.. the hunger pangs are real!) but w</span><span style="font-family: arial, sans-serif;">ill I ever be able to diet properly!?</span><br />
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<a href="https://dm2305files.storage.live.com/y4pKbXHsswkdhULLBeKmTDFv8pjzQbLBCqzlZOEPg7Cmi1gqFiJu51v9uyMJN3zPyaRS6ziuXW7RFu0uEkVJJdVXTqDsoZXqVJaOJL_p14IB-6nIV9rc4qpm0-4lbch4D0Z1P2WGH7zorKAJxGVNuT9VOmgS4ncmBYUEBw81T388Ahuf-Dqa6MFPPwiCGDm25BM/20190519_190050-01.jpeg?psid=1&width=1239&height=929" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://dm2305files.storage.live.com/y4pKbXHsswkdhULLBeKmTDFv8pjzQbLBCqzlZOEPg7Cmi1gqFiJu51v9uyMJN3zPyaRS6ziuXW7RFu0uEkVJJdVXTqDsoZXqVJaOJL_p14IB-6nIV9rc4qpm0-4lbch4D0Z1P2WGH7zorKAJxGVNuT9VOmgS4ncmBYUEBw81T388Ahuf-Dqa6MFPPwiCGDm25BM/20190519_190050-01.jpeg?psid=1&width=1239&height=929" width="320" /></a></div>
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Holy crap... I didn't think I could do it but I did!</div>
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I have survived 33 hours and COUNTING on a diet.</div>
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I've decided that keto for the most part perks my interest because I mean.... cheese, bacon and certain alcoholic beverages are acceptable. Yes!!</div>
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Look, not having my evening shiraz is going to be rough... but lately it really has hit me that my drinking needs to be tamed. I guess to be honest I've been self-medicating with wine to help me through the rough times lately and with my family history of alcoholism I really want to get it under control before it's too late like my mother. </div>
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I'm waiting for my copy of The Alcohol Experiment by Annie Grace to arrive from the bookstore. </div>
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No idea how it's going to be but thought it would be a fun way to gain back some health and document it along the way. </div>
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<a href="https://dm2305files.storage.live.com/y4pfxFQiKzZ6xqWc0CFNb2tQvCI4qsFhieFUTNTAe4Y4b1MngLXLay_V9OS9Y-aYnSKA_PwiOOmjZZvDpfuK1yswYAiEr5tZ65Imo6s-oG47Wy558Hsqv8QHM2NtTZsTHFwCZBvwmixFfJTY0aFDvlYnw/20190116_112643.jpg?psid=1&width=697&height=929" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://dm2305files.storage.live.com/y4pfxFQiKzZ6xqWc0CFNb2tQvCI4qsFhieFUTNTAe4Y4b1MngLXLay_V9OS9Y-aYnSKA_PwiOOmjZZvDpfuK1yswYAiEr5tZ65Imo6s-oG47Wy558Hsqv8QHM2NtTZsTHFwCZBvwmixFfJTY0aFDvlYnw/20190116_112643.jpg?psid=1&width=697&height=929" width="240" /></a></div>
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So look, I'm not giving up drinking or junk food entirely so I'm probably doing this completely wrong but I'm just navigating my way through this my own way and I'm interested to see the results.</div>
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Yesterday I had a black coffee, 23 almonds, and celery with a hummus dip during the day and then in the evening I had a keto omlette including 3 eggs, diced bacon, sliced brown mushroom, chopped asparagus, a red birds eye chili, grated cheddar cheese and freshly chopped chives from my herb garden. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg64sGRpKHlHPJeUGWuYFOxN6mKEVj-BLCX5BkZlcoIUXb8HWHrpLA7CJhE-mn2Vd8Q3CFBsZiPAp8vHQaim6YyT9KbRe5g0LdThEVKBqkTVoNPzesAxICzCsN6P-Dn4rl0Zzw36GB3t4I/s1600/IMG_20190527_190839_809%255B1%255D.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="256" data-original-width="256" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg64sGRpKHlHPJeUGWuYFOxN6mKEVj-BLCX5BkZlcoIUXb8HWHrpLA7CJhE-mn2Vd8Q3CFBsZiPAp8vHQaim6YyT9KbRe5g0LdThEVKBqkTVoNPzesAxICzCsN6P-Dn4rl0Zzw36GB3t4I/s1600/IMG_20190527_190839_809%255B1%255D.jpg" /></a></div>
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Supposedly that was just over 700 calories for the day which is below the minimum requirement to be healthy so I thought I was off to a good start but apparently not! </div>
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I'm having the same keto omlette for lunch today. I made it this morning and have packed it in a container to take it to work. </div>
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I'm THAT motivated to lose the pouch I've formed around my stomach that while testing out keto I am also doing intermittent fasting. This is PETRIFYING for me because I am a nibbler. I get anxiety if there isn't food close by. </div>
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The 16 hour intermittent fasting plan seems to be the easiest one I could potentially commit to. Basically you skip breakfast (daunting!), and limit your eating hours between 8 hours. </div>
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I've chosen to eat between 12-8pm because I always eat relatively early anyway! </div>
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It's currently 10:30am and my stomach is gurgling.... probably going into shock from the lack of food but I've had two cups of Slim herbal tea which suppresses your appetite and am chugging a liter of water down. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdh0nCBs9BS4swoigSCHdYPCvONFJnzsDLxzdfR8aWLgNixzkknLtfavCZOjn_jkjwsI2RUt_FWFcRH4FJh98hFCL5ozgi-Qg1c3XRTJnzgwC_f88Od6Bus8vLRRN_PTtx1OpkUtVH5JE/s1600/IMG_20190526_182051_667%255B1%255D.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="256" data-original-width="256" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdh0nCBs9BS4swoigSCHdYPCvONFJnzsDLxzdfR8aWLgNixzkknLtfavCZOjn_jkjwsI2RUt_FWFcRH4FJh98hFCL5ozgi-Qg1c3XRTJnzgwC_f88Od6Bus8vLRRN_PTtx1OpkUtVH5JE/s1600/IMG_20190526_182051_667%255B1%255D.jpg" /></a>1.5 hours to go until I get to eat my omlette..... but hey... whose counting???</div>
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Supposedly a nice dry cab sav is alright every so often but the more common drinks include vodka with soda water and a slice of lime, gin, rum... the pure stuff that's far too strong for me haha.</div>
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If there's anything this research has taught me it's that the alcohol itself isn't what I love. </div>
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I don't necessarily have the craving for ALCOHOL... </div>
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I just love wine. </div>
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I would never drink as much as I used to if I was only allowed vodka or gin. </div>
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They're ok every now and then but it's just not what I enjoy. </div>
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Wine to me is a bit more indulgent and romantic in a sense.... vineyards are far more beautiful to gin distilleries. </div>
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A wine glass feels elegant and classy rather than a tumbler. </div>
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It's a personal preference and it's been interesting getting to know myself through this research really.</div>
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I'll admit keto is never going to work for me 100% of the time. </div>
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Hah! </div>
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I wish I had the motivation to cut potatoes, rice, proper pasta and wine out completely but they are things that make me happy! </div>
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I know there are substitutes... cauliflower etc but it's not the same for me! </div>
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So everything in moderation is the way I'm going to look at it and hey, if my body gets used to the lack of filling carbs it's used to then fair dinkum as they say here in Australia! </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEha8jFcKSI5ZBR8RDzKd9Yte0d0Tc7wDJP1S3nBv_D7cbBtlXkAeg1fM8XNDFoFX76Wx5S3K1TCVIO9kmtUPiZEzPbNdKbcvR0XnSysAG8xUSB-UqZDuwIoNAif8ExLOKgjE9qrq2WsWOs/s1600/IMG_20190527_190839_809%255B1%255D.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1600" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEha8jFcKSI5ZBR8RDzKd9Yte0d0Tc7wDJP1S3nBv_D7cbBtlXkAeg1fM8XNDFoFX76Wx5S3K1TCVIO9kmtUPiZEzPbNdKbcvR0XnSysAG8xUSB-UqZDuwIoNAif8ExLOKgjE9qrq2WsWOs/s320/IMG_20190527_190839_809%255B1%255D.jpg" width="320" /></a>I definitely couldn't limit myself to the recommended 1 glass of wine if you want to have a drink though!</div>
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Pah!</div>
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Have you met me??? </div>
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Instead I'm just going to try and cut it out during the weeks except for special occasions and enjoy it on the weekends while trying to monitor the amounts more closely... perhaps have a cut off but Australia is a very social country and drinking is bigger here especially on the weekends. </div>
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Anyway - so that's my update.</div>
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I did a lovely charcoal purifying face mask last night and had a chamomile tea while reading a historical romance novel and believe me NONE of that is the Jade everyone knows. But it felt good.... so maybe there is hope for me after all. </div>
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Tomorrow is my 28th birthday. </div>
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I cannot believe I'm almost thirty and have a life totally different to what I had envisioned long ago when people asked me where I saw myself in five years time. </div>
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I want to start this blog back up again as I enter a new year of my life where I'm hoping many of the things I've been dreaming will happen, might finally actually happen!<br />
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I'd planned on being married by now, having kids, being an author of bestselling novels and living somewhere with my own herd of dogs and cats.<br />
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I have none of that right now.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgd-bGg77WTKpxm2TSoCqBdtsX4fTdg00mUQ-lcfxBgS7Su5eR0PbHhn1N2XeQfHCGJAAXoUDyJyDt_uvqOwOhCXJGWbtDIAD8BheVwpD-zoNHuzUAwcnsviooQSRiDwcNCu_bZIez3L98/s1600/53519594_10161381758140307_7689507428676665344_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="960" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgd-bGg77WTKpxm2TSoCqBdtsX4fTdg00mUQ-lcfxBgS7Su5eR0PbHhn1N2XeQfHCGJAAXoUDyJyDt_uvqOwOhCXJGWbtDIAD8BheVwpD-zoNHuzUAwcnsviooQSRiDwcNCu_bZIez3L98/s320/53519594_10161381758140307_7689507428676665344_n.jpg" width="320" /></a>I'm in a relationship with a man I adore - he's the love of my life but the relationship itself has a testing one.<br />
I feel like we are finally in a great place after a tremendous amount of hard work that is still ongoing.<br />
I'll be honest - we see a couples therapist.<br />
When we're good we're amazing but when we're bad it's like world word three has erupted. We're both incredibly stubborn - but we love each other dearly. Despite our (major) differences, he is the best thing to ever happen to me and I truly cannot imagine my life without him.<br />
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Recently a close friend of mine died with his partner in a motorbike accident in Vietnam. Another friend of mine fell from a mountaintop and has become disabled. Someone I once knew during my time in Mallorca just lost her partner. </div>
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All of these things scare the hell out of me.<br />
How would I cope if I lost my partner, M? I really don't think I would.<br />
I get scared because as Buddha once said, 'The Trouble Is, We Think We Have Time.' </div>
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There's so much I want in life and so much I'm ready for and the thought that something could happen in the blink of an eye whether it be my death or my partners - it's too much to comprehend. I've had the future ripped away from me before when I lost my ex fiance. I'm finally in a good place - albeit my wonderful curse of anxiety. I can't lose what I've worked so hard for again. The cruelty of it would destroy me. </div>
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Anyway - this is supposed to be an uplifting blog post. My first in over 7 months... to let you know that I've made some changes on here. I'm no longer under the blog name Bohemian Muses. </div>
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Instead I've changed it to Words and Wine With Jade (Words and Wine was taken...). </div>
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I'm changing my tune with the whole blog thing. I want to document my life as it is now in Australia... a place I NEVER thought I'd wind up! </div>
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So much in my life is so different than the last time we caught up... so different from the life I've always lived... and I'm not the best at adapting lets be honest!! </div>
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Life over the past year has been bloody tough..... but I feel like good things are finally happening. Things are looking up and I want to write again. </div>
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So here we go... to anyone (if there is anyone) that still reads this...</div>
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Tonight M is taking me out for an early birthday dinner.<br />
We have an absolute weirdo staying in our spare room at the moment booked through AirBnb.<br />
I can't stand that we let out our spare room... nothing about it makes me comfortable and for some obscure reason we always seem to end up hosting the absolute nut-bags!<br />
This guy is ex military for Afghanistan with PTSD. He can't go out in the sunlight because he had some kind of chemical peel to remove his wrinkles, freckles and blemishes on his face. He looks like a shiny lobster and jumps at every opportunity to talk to us. If you give him an inch he'll take over a mile!<br />
I'm sorry but when I get home from work all I want to do is put on an episode of Masterchef Australia or The Bachelor, pour myself a glass of red wine, prep dinner and CHILL THE HELL OUT. </div>
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However, this guy decided to tell me his life story... and that the reason he's staying with us is because he's busy going through a breakup.<br />
He started rattling on about women's instincts since the caveman era to always have a back up plan and remain close to the same or higher status males than their current partner in case something were to happen to their man and they needed looking after.... his ex girlfriend was chatting to a number of different guys while with him.<br />
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Can I also just say here that he is 35 and she is 22???<br />
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He told me he can't drink because he's going through some sort of treatments for his mental health but loves smoking weed then going to the gym to lift weights...... ahem....<br />
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Our spare room churns out a baffling amount of people like this with stories you just can't make up. It's hilarious but I'm so sick of people in my space.<br />
I'm the kind of girl that walks out of the bedroom either naked or just in hot pants and a vest if I need something from the kitchen.<br />
I like to put my feet up after work and enjoy the silence before M gets home from work with snacks and wine... pretty much looking like a complete slob. But why not?! It's supposed to be my safe space.</div>
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I enjoy taking a bath with a lush bathbomb, wine and candles... and the bath is in the spare bathroom that gets taken over by guests when we get bookings.<br />
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To put it bluntly - it's just annoying. <br />
THAT'S why we're going out for dinner this evening... luckily he checks out tomorrow and we can finally have our space back again so we plan to spend my real birthday snuggled up on the sofa watching Netflix and probably very little clothing.<br />
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Ahhh bliss! </div>
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I'm not sure where we're going tonight.<br />
I've hinted enough times that oysters is my preference. I'm not entirely subtle - hey, I know what I want!! And oysters are painfully expensive in Australia. They're a very special treat for us whereas in South Africa we can gorge on them all night long!<br />
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He's told me to dress-up a little bit and meet him somewhere after work. </div>
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I have on my leopard print (never thought I'd be a leopard print girl!!) playsuit, a beige trench coat and a big fluffy scarf.<br />
I attempted to curl my hair but halfway through the working day it's gone flat already.<br />
I've made an effort though and I'm excited to have a romantic evening out with him after work.<br />
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Oh right - I work at Urban Arts Projects now.<br />
Fine Art is an industry I know well - but this is a fascinating difference as it's more in the manufacturing side of things.<br />
I get to see these gorgeous art pieces getting made from scratch.<br />
It's a big, noisy warehouse - very different from the posh galleries I'm used to working in... but I'm enjoying it! I'm just a temp... it's harder than I ever thought possible to find a good full time job here in Australia.<br />
First it was the working holiday visa limiting me to only 6 months contracts - and now that M and I have finally submitted our partnership visa I have a bridging visa allowing me to work full-time.... which reminds me I really should put more work into that bloody visa!!!<br />
There's so many documents to upload - really odd information that they need such as a list of all of our ex partners, their full dates of births, the beginning and end dates of those relationships and the reason we broke up.<br />
I mean...... REALLY????<br />
To me it's absurd.... but we're getting through it as best we can.<br />
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I've been temping for the past year and a half here in Brisbane - not having that job stability is hard for me as I've always been permanently employed AND in high demand actually!!<br />
Yet here I apply for thousands of jobs and barely ever even get a call back.<br />
So recruiters are helping me find temp work.<br />
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This current position is a reception role which doesn't pay well but it's a usual Mon-Fri gig for about two months while their usual receptionist recovers from a broken wrist. </div>
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It's weird for me never knowing what's on the cards - where I'll be in a few months time.<br />
I've always been a planner.<br />
I like being in control and having that security. </div>
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There's a lot about my life now that I'm still trying to get used to... but I'm taking it one glass of wine at a time. </div>
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If you got through all of this please reach out to me and say hello!<br />
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My email is: jadewright15051991@hotmail.com<br />
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It would mean everything to me to know someone out there actually reads this shit :)</div>
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