The Basic Steps to Healing...

I always thought when I finally felt up to investing my time into looking for work on the yachts again it would be the day I knew I would be OK. I'll survive. Oh how wrong I was.

I'm as sick as can be right now having just spent a jaw-dropping amount of money I don't have on medicine and have been in bed all day scouring the internet for jobs. Even trying to take a sip of water feels like knives going down my throat.... (WISHING I had someone to bring me chicken soup, stroke my hair and make me feel better but alas this is a time of loneliness for me.)

I guess for the most part job hunting has been going well... 

I've already been offered a job willing to fly me to Tunisia later this week but I turned it down because my gut feeling (which I'm going to start bloody listening to from now on!!) wasn't a happy camper. 

However, even with a seemingly good response after putting a few hours work into applying for various jobs floating around the med - I have tears in my eyes. 

That saying, 'New Beginnings Are Often Disguised As Painful Endings,' is so true. 

If you aren't interested in the raw, unfiltered rambles from a heartbroken mind then move along now - but some lovely people have actually reached out and commended me for how open and honest I am with what I'm going through. 

I'm not doing it for attention. 

Not at all.

I'm doing it because if someone stumbles across my blog in the future who is going through something similar I hope she or he will be able to realise that they aren't alone. 

If I am able to help just one other person in this world by sharing my experiences then that's enough for me. 

I know what I'm going through is MINUTE compared to what others go through in life and I know I'm lucky in many ways... but this is my story and I know there are people out there somewhere going through something similar.  

I wish I could stop feeling so devastated but how can I when it feels like the last two years of my life was a complete lie?? 

To have the man you thought was your soul-mate tell you that you never made him happy is like running over me with a train. 

I can't get those words out of my head. The last words he ever said to me. I wish he could take it back. I wish he could tell me what he said wasn't true.
Never say something so hurtful to someone who loves you because you never know if they'll be the last words you ever speak to them.

People are telling me that people say hurtful things during breakups and that they don't mean them - that those words are a way to make you move on... but truly I'd be able to move on easier if I had closure that I didn't just make him miserable for two straight years. 

I know I wasn't great. 

But I thought we had some incredible, fun and happy moments. 

I know I was the happiest I had ever been yet also the most depressed at the same time because the truth is that I never could adjust to life in a new country.

I'd done it once before in Mallorca and I could never get over how triggering it was for me to be in such a similar situation again. 

I moved to a country for a guy I met on Tinder again. Had given up my entire life to be there. 

The only difference was that in Mallorca I trusted TOO much. I was SO carefree and happy and bubbly. I was always off bouncing around with new friends and having the time of my life but in Australia I was so Goddamned cautious because of how hurt I was in Mallorca that I never ALLOWED myself to fully let go and embrace it. 

I wish I had now.... I wish S hadn't hurt me so badly all those years ago that even to this day it still affects me.... but things didn't work out that way. 

I can't change that... but I can change the future. 

I am never going to give up my independence ever again or sacrifice what little I do have in life for someone else. I've done it so many times now only to regret it... because in the end I end up with nothing.

I know I stuffed up a lot with M and made things unbearable and took things out on him that I shouldn't have. But I also know I made him laugh and smile and I really didn't think he could ever say something like, 'I never got happiness from you.' 

Those words have destroyed me. 

I never meant to make him unhappy.

I am a good person with a huge heart....  a part of me wishes he had met me before Mallorca when I wasn't broken. Things would have been so different then. I feel back then I would have been exactly the girl for him - and he was able to see small snippets of that girl in me somewhere.. but it just wasn't enough.

Finding a way to heal after what I went through in Spain and now Australia is proving to be the most challenging thing in life...
I'm still trying to navigate through freeing myself from a life tethered by insecurity BUT I've realised the basic steps are as follows:

1. Focus on myself for one.
Do things that make me happy like running (never thought I'd say that but I've truly started loving it!), hiking, cooking, surfing, writing, anything creative...
Be around people that make me a better person.

2. Don't jump into a new relationship.
This is now time for ME. I don't want a man to define my happiness. I want to be happy and love myself first. 

3. Build a life for myself not someone else.
I guess one of my main mistakes I've done OVER and OVER again is give up everything for everyone and focus so much on making someone else happy.
I want to finally create this cottage or a home in general and make it MY safe haven.
I want to get that beautiful border collie I've always dreamt about one day and have her be MINE not OURS.
I want my independence back. Not have to answer to anyone. To be a recluse if I want to be and be outgoing when I feel that need to be around others. I want to cook what I want without having to always ask what someone else wants. I want to put my needs and wants first for once. 

4. Create my own friendships. In a tiny town like Knysna this is hard. Especially as the majority of my friends have left for overseas OR have already settled down with kids and partners... but I just want to focus on my own friendships. In the past I always slotted in with my partners friendship group and when it inevitably ended I had no one there for me. I need to put myself out there and find new friends in Knysna that enjoy the same things as me - and reach out to my old friends who are overseas but will come here on holiday and make time to see me.

5. Meditate. Stretch. Exercise. Drink Less. 
My life has always been so busy bending over backwards for someone else or just being too exhausted or sad to do anything else other than switch on Netflix and pour a glass of wine at night. 

It's been a BEAUTIFUL feeling to take the time out of my day to run 5ks with my dog, meditate while soaking in the bath, allowing myself the time to stretch and love my body the way I always should have but never did. 

In one way I am feeling so good - it's just the actual heartache from losing my best friend that is still crushing me. I know people say the heartbreak will end.... and maybe it will. But I'd never been more sure about someone in my life. I still struggle to accept it's really over forever - but it has to be. The things he has said and done - the way he just kicked me out of the country and made his friends tell me he doesn't love me anymore.. the black and white text reading I never made him happy as the last message he ever sent me... it's the cold hard truth that it's done and some days I get that... but others I don't. 

I went on a 'date' the other night after this guy we'll call A sent me a glass of wine when I was sitting at a pub with my brother. It was nice. And M is no longer the last person I've kissed, which felt incredibly weird. But I am so petrified all guys want me for is sex and regardless I'm just not ready for that yet. I know I need to move on eventually and potentially the best way to get over M is to get under someone else - but I'm so confused. I don't want to be just used for sex yet at the same time I'm not ready to dive back into something serious. 

I want to take things SLOW for once and find someone that ticks all my boxes. 

6. Make a list of the things you need from a partner and don't settle for any less.

Because of what I've been through, there are certain things I need out of a relationship that may sounds completely pathetic to most people but they are things I know will make me happy.

I want someone who opens the car door for me, understand my passions for books, bookstagram, booktube, writing etc.. someone who will support those passions. Take an interest in them. Join me in them. I want someone willing to make a goofball out of himself and laugh at himself and not give a shit about what his mates think of him. I want someone not scared to put me on his social media - who wants to show me off and shout me out for being amazing. I want someone romantic. Someone who will surprise and spoil me... someone who will be walking past a flower store and think of me and get me a flower just because. Not that I actually like flowers... I'm more of a plant person. Don't give me something that's just going to die haha. My new found favorite plant I can't get enough of is Golden Pothos! 

I saw this thing a while back where this girl got home and found a dress laid out on her bed with a pair of earrings and some shoes and a note that told her where to be at a certain time. Those things make me melt. I am a hopeless romantic and I literally can't help it. 

I want someone who won't fart in front of me. Someone who loves cooking and likes cooking with a partner. I want someone who isn't stubborn because I'm stubborn enough for the both of us.

I want someone who likes to read and drink wine, learn new things, travel, laugh, experiment and live life to the fullest... but I also want someone who like me, is happy to not be on the go 24/7. I love cozy days at home! 
I need someone faithful. Trustworthy. 

These are things I've always craved in relationships but never got and I always ended up disappointed. I don't want to settle anymore.

I don't want these things NOW... but when I'm ready, these are some of the things I need. 

There's probably more basic steps to healing but I can't be bothered to write anymore. My fever is high and I fear I'm going to wind up in hospital having my tonsils removed at this rate so I'm off to rest. 

Sorry this wasn't as humorous as most of my recent posts. I've been having a weird, emotional day and just needed to let it out.

The After Effects of a Break-Up

Right... I feel like it is time to write again. Write something. Write anything. I guess a life update would be a great start... don't expect this writing to be profound and groundbreaking. This is just me placing my fingertips on the keyboard and letting the words spill out of me. This is me listening to the pitter patter of the keys as my hands glide across the board effortlessly. It is like second-nature to me... and it has been so long since I have just typed... just let it out. So here goes.... 

Besides my last two posts which are both book reviews (nothing personal to see there...), the last 'personal' post I wrote on here was on the 25th January.

I was still in Mallorca, Spain. 

I was battling with a lot of demons in my mind. 

I weighed a mere 36kg because of stress and heartbreak. 

I was in the darkest place I have ever been. 

On the 24th January something inside of me snapped. It was like I had finally woken up and realized I deserved more. I had heard something that altered my perspective completely: 

"If you're falling asleep next to somebody every night but yet you still feel alone, why not rather be alone?"

On the 25th January, I changed my life after months of trying to figure out what the hell to do. On the one end, I was in love - besotted and yet heartbroken over a man that had disrespected me for over a year. A man who cheated on me with 8 women and never considered me a priority. I was lied to and I was hurt. I was made out to be the crazy one - and perhaps I was. I was crazy to have stayed in that situation for as long as I did... but what people who haven't been in that kind of situation before don't realize is that there is so much more than meets the eye. You'd think after what my ex did to me, it would be an easy decision to just 'walk-away' and 'move on'... I wish it was that simple. I think that's how you know you really loved someone... but it was more than even that. I had attached myself to him in a way no body will ever understand. He was the first guy I fell for after my ex fiance. He meant everything to me. I had come so close to a life of marriage and babies - a life so many of my friends are venturing into right now and leaving me far behind on the other end of the proverbial field... whereas a few years ago I thought I'd be the one at the end of the finish line waiting for them there. I never thought it would be the other way around. 

So.... when I met Simon, I did everything possible to make us work. I gave up my amazing job at the art gallery and fought fires (literally), qualified to work on the yachts and then moved all the way from South Africa to Spain. I realize NOW how stupid I was to be the way that I was. I'd have literally done anything for him if he asked me to... and now I see a relationship shouldn't be that way. From here on in I am done with putting other people first. I need to respect myself enough to go after what I WANT in life - and yes, I wanted him and I went for that... but I didn't factor in that he's another person and he has his own set of WANTS too (had I known from the start his wants were a million other women to juggle and string along things would be mighty different right now). I didn't think of his wants though.... and I didn't think about the fact that I didn't WANT to work on the yachts and scrub people's skid-marks off of the inside of the toilet bowl. I didn't WANT to leave my cat and my nephew and my car. In Spain I became completely reliant on Simon and let me tell you this - I NEVER 'WANT' to feel that way again. But I digress.... 

Let me be honest. It was a fun year for the most part. We had a lot of fun together.. surfing, fishing, hiking, camping, kayaking... it was great. It's a life I loved in fact but then I found out about all those women after MONTHS of me wondering and asking him if there's anything I should be worried about. I guess in my mind I always knew he was cheating on me, I just didn't want to believe it... and every time I asked him why he put his phone away every time I came close or didn't answer a phone call because I was there he always told me I'm imagining things. I'm causing problems out of nothing... and I started to believe that. He made me question my own sanity but deep down I always KNEW something was very, very wrong.

We made the decision to stay together after I found out about the cheating. Everyone warned me against it, even his own friends. They all said if I do choose to stay then I need to be able to put the past behind us and start fresh. I tried... but I just couldn't do it. 

I was so petrified every time that asshole was on his phone. I constantly wondered who he was texting, where he was, who he was with etc etc etc... it was so unhealthy...

Because I couldn't forgive him and I couldn't get past my fears we started to argue.. a lot. That arguing turned into vile, violent anger. We were toxic... and a lot of it was my fault because I chose to stay when I should have walked away. 

It got to the stage where he didn't spend any time with me because every time we did have together was awkward, awful and we always wound up in a fight. I used what he did to me as ammunition and that's something you really can't do if you choose to take back someone that has cheated on you. Look, personally if someone ever cheats on me again I would never stay. Not for one second. I learned the hard way. I don't think you can ever truly get over it when you've been cheated on.... I know I couldn't. 

But I digress, again.

So.. without us spending any time together we couldn't heal. It was useless and day by day I withered away to skin and bone with blood-shot puffy eyes from crying myself to sleep every night. I wasn't eating because I was so broken that I'd lost every inch of my usually phenomenal appetite.

In layman terms.... I was fucked.

Making the decision to leave was the hardest thing I have ever done. Walking away from someone you do love regardless of how badly they have hurt you is gut-wrenching... but I finally made the decision when our fights when us both with scratches and bruises, smashed up phones and broken surfboards. It was absolutely disgusting. I was shattered, embarrassed and done. 

I went to the airport with no flights booked and no plan. Funnily enough, that had always been my dream. Absolute freedom. But because of my relationship I hadn't left Mallorca to work on proper yachts so I had hardly no money. I felt hopeless, useless and confused. I didn't know where to go. I wanted to go back home to my family, I'd never needed them more... but the flights to South Africa were too expensive. I felt stuck in Spain and I just wanted out. 

Eventually a plan formulated. Ireland. The one place I have always had to go to before I die. So I hopped onto the first flight out of Mallorca which just happened to be going to Madrid. 

I cannot express that feeling of lifting off the airport runway and knowing I would never be returning to Mallorca. The place I had thought would be my new forever home. My dreams were crushed, my heart was broken. I cried. I didn't stop crying for hours. 

I took a taxi to a hotel and was so broken I fell onto the bed and sobbed myself to sleep. Waking up the next morning alone in a strange hotel room, reality hit. I was out. It was a confusing feeling.. I was free from that God awful relationship but I was going to miss so much about us. Before I'd found out about what he did behind my back, we'd had such an incredible time together... so much so that I was in disbelief that he could have ever wanted to cheat and flirt with other women... I just didn't get it. It had all been a lie. 

I flew to Dublin and stayed in a tower overlooking the ocean for about a week with an unlimited supply of every alcoholic beverage under the sun. If there was one way to get over heartbreak, this was it. 

I wish I'd seen more of Ireland but with my limited funds I couldn't explore much or even really do much. But I did see Temple Bar and meet some of my amazing friends.

On my first day in Ireland I discovered that my ex was already back on Tinder (another thing he'd been doing throughout our entire year together behind my back.... How fucking embarrassing!). I say I discovered that he was already back on Tinder but really, he was probably never off it in the first place. This was another huge blow. I'd left him and he didn't care. He felt no remorse. He didn't even give himself a chance to miss me... just hopped right back on to find his next victims. I shouldn't have expected anything less... once again. 

What I really didn't expect though was when he decided it was a good idea to bring the first girl he ever slept with behind my back to South Africa with him for the holiday that we had planned together. He took her to all the places he'd promised to take me and did all the things we had planned to do together.  

It's all a bit sickening and twisted to see just how easily he can slot in another woman to take do all the same things as we did together. It's also insulting... but should I expect any less from a man who did what he did? A man like that.... not a 'man' at all really.   

They are together now... and I feel sorry for her. He's a narcissistic asshole and he's never going to change. Never. He will never treat a woman well and he's already sending me pictures, recipes and messages again - completely ignoring my request that he leave me the hell alone. Who does that!? The prick cheats and hurts me more than I have ever been hurt, gets with the one girl he KNOWS would shatter me completely and then starts sending me videos of his bratty child surfing. Like I CARE about him and his child anymore. FYI. I don't. Send those pictures to your new Spanish slut, please and thank you. Leave me out of your pathetic going no where life. 

BUT I DIGRESS.... once again.

Getting back to South Africa I knew I didn't want to stay in Knysna. I'd written my mother out of my life and going back there would have felt like going backwards in life. So... while I was busy trying to figure out if I wanted to move to England, PE, Cape Town or Durban (JHB was never an option... obviously) or go and live in a bungalow in Bali for a few months and finally finish my novel... I met a guy. We clicked instantly and had an intense spark - he also lived in a part of Cape Town I had fallen head over heels with a year beforehand and so I made my decision. 

Now, this may sound like I am cocking my life up all over again.. moving to Cape Town for a guy just like I moved to Spain for one.. BUT I didn't move here for him. I moved here for me. It was already one of my options. And the second I got here I scoured the internet and found my own flat and got a job within a few days. Sadly that jobs salary was pathetic but then life decided to be nice to me for the first time in a while. 

I was offered my dream job here - at an art gallery close to the Waterfront. I am back in the world of art and adjusting to city life... I am happy. As happy as I am now though, I am still in a very bad place in my head. I can't trust... my confidence is gone... my insecurities have taken over my life and I hate it. It does effect my relationship - and sometimes I do wonder if I got into something else far too soon. It isn't fair on him for me to be so scared and cautious... but he's so understanding and he needs to be because with my history, it is going to take a lot to get me to trust... if I ever even will. Above and beyond my major trust issues now, I also have this heavy fear of being unlovable. Sam and Simon really shaped that fear for me... so did my mother. I need so much reassurance now. And I'm really confused and torn because as much as the word 'love' petrifies me, it's all I want to hear. It's all I need to hear. I want to feel loved again. I think I was so used to being in these long term relationships where the 'Í love you's ' were in abundance... and yet now I haven't heard those three words for so long... I miss them. I want them back. I want to feel loved. But.... I don't know if I can actually love again. I don't feel like I can love anyone anymore, not even my family. That's horrible to admit... but I've closed myself off to it completely. My love has been so disrespected that I think all the love I had to give is gone. I don't want to allow myself to love again because it just ends in pain. Everyone always lets you down. Everyone always ends up leaving. 

I don't mean to sound so miserable... because I'm actually not! I am happy. I feel so much better now that I have left behind my ex and Spain...  it's just left me a bit, damaged.