I don't want to be a sad cliche... I really don't. But after a month of living alone in my own flat, there's a few things I've noticed that I'd like to share with you all.
This could either be to prepare you for this new venture or to raise the red flags and tell you that perhaps, if you aren't good at being alone - find a bloody room-mate.
Quick!!!
Many of my friends live alone - mainly men I'll admit, but many do.
Did I ever ask them what they do on those quiet evenings in by themselves??
No.
I never really thought about what it would be like because I've always had people around me. I never thought living alone was a situation I'd find myself in.
Boy, did things change.
I found myself in the one situation that petrifies me the most.
Being alone.
I'm not good at it, I don't like it. It's just not for me... which is funny considering I'm a writer and I love the quiet. I need to shack myself up into a dark little corner and get lost in writing for hours on end with no company.... but I like to know the company is there if I need it.
Such a contradiction, I know.
Does anyone else ever feel that way?
Sometimes, I can't stand people. I don't want to engage in pointless small talk or smile at people when I'm not in a smiley mood. Hell, if I want to leave my onesie on for twenty-four hours straight, keep my hair in a messy bun and if I want to go makeup free and not bother wasting a bottle of pricey perfume spritzing it all over myself - then that's what I want to do!
But when I do get like that, I usually just have to close a door to the outside world and open it back up if I need some contact. Living alone doesn't offer that. If I open a door, it's just as silent as it is with it closed... unless I ditch the onesie and go and find some poor person to deal with me. Sad fact.
You begin to question who you really are.
Am I an introvert or an extrovert!?
I always thought I was an extrovert...
I think everyone did... but I think I realized through this that as much as I love being surrounded by people - I might like being alone just that little bit more. Even if it is something I'm still getting used to.
Though, if I need a companion to watch my beloved horror movies with, you're most welcome :)
In light of my new living arrangements and shattered heart, I've compiled a list from a Crazy Cat Lady (yours truly) of things you need to know when living alone
(enjoy... and please, feel free to laugh at my expense):
That really killed my night. I tried EVERYTHING to open that jar... and ended up defeated. Usually I'd ask my (ex) fiance, my dad, my brother.... now, it was a battle between just me and the jar.
The jar won.
Apparantly there is actually a contraption you can buy called a Jar Opener.... I didn't know that. I don't know where to get one, but I need one. Can Christmas please hurry up???
CHRISTMAS!?!?!??
Oh my God - I'm actually going to be waking up alone on Christmas morning. I think I literally just got clinically depressed.
Buying a first piece of furniture (a really stunning bookshelf) and realizing I can't carry it up the stairs by myself... you figure out pretty quickly that whether you want to be alone or not, you do need support in some areas.
but my God it's become worse.
Example:
About two weeks ago I was still feeling pretty heartbroken about my breakup and I was nursing a rather bad hangover - so I sat up in my bed, submerged under about four winter blankets, clutching pathetically onto my hot water bottle and stared at nothing in particular.... I just sat there in some sort of meditation, not really thinking of anything. I just didn't want to move. Eventually, I had to though (obviously).
So I caught myself say,"I don't really want to get up and do anything with my life today.... but I have to."
I was literally giving myself a motivational pep talk.
It made me laugh out loud.... which is awkward because your laughter fills the silence around you. Crickets......
Things got worse... because my cat hasn't joined me in my flat yet (crazy cat lady = sad), I live completely alone and the silence is literally deafening at times. So... much to my amusement... I plodded into my bathroom to brush my teeth and looked up to see a spider just living it up on my wall.
A pet!!!
I kid you not... that's what went through my head.
Clearly I am in a very sad, sad stage in my life....
(I called my spider, Boris, by the way...)
No one else is going to get rid of that spider / cockroach / sixteen legged demon for you...... that's all up to you.
Oh shit.
You know what really sucks about being single and living alone though? That I can't even watch the new season of American Horror Story - Freakshow. I tried watching the first episode on Monday night and it freaked the absolute hell out of me.
Those clowns! Argh.... I usually love a good horror or thriller, but not alone.
Unless it's The Walking Dead. That I can do.
But American Horror Story in my new little flat that I'm still getting used to....? Not gonna happen.
Now I have no one to curl into and clutch onto when I get scared. I have my hot water bottle..... that's it and that sucks. That sucks a lot.
On that note, my next big point would be:
Binging on television shows..... it happens. I was really excited to get into my flat because I had tons of series to watch. I had the final season of Hart of Dixie to get through, Bachelor in Paradise, After Paradise, American Horror Story, Suits etc.....
I thought I had enough to keep me busy for ages.... but the truth is that I had nothing else to do so I curled into my new bed and watched everything in almost one sitting and then I was stuck with nothing.
Oooops.
Make sure you have enough series to keep you busy. That, or books. Or if you're a writer like me, stop procrastinating and WRITE damnit! Far easier said than done...............
Right... onto a more serious note:
Dying. Honestly... I suffer from asthma and panic attacks. The fact that something could happen to me and no one would know or be able to help?? Pretty scary. I have no advice for this one... I'm still trying to figure out what I'd do.
Hmm....
I also heard that if you decide to live alone, your chances of getting depressed and / or suffering from real depression increases dramatically - so why I decided to live alone for the first time in the same month that my engagement crumbled and my Grandmother kicked it I don't know!
What was that noise??? If there's a knock on the door or something goes BUMP in the night, guess who's got to go and check? You.
Another thing that sucks? Having to jot things down in my notebook literally every night. Things I forgot to pack or haven't acquired in my life yet. The simplest of things!!
On Monday night for instance, I made tuna pasta salad for myself. Cooking for one is pretty pooh, especially when you don't even have a kitchen in your flat - but I tried to make it work on my new Two-Plate Hot Stove.
It was only when I pulled out my onion that I realized I had nothing to chop it on.
On Monday night for instance, I made tuna pasta salad for myself. Cooking for one is pretty pooh, especially when you don't even have a kitchen in your flat - but I tried to make it work on my new Two-Plate Hot Stove.
It was only when I pulled out my onion that I realized I had nothing to chop it on.
Item number of on my flats shopping list.
1) Chopping Board.
But wait... there's more.
2) Bottle opener for my delicious wine. (Although I'm trying to detox during the weeks, it completely skipped my mind that I'd need a bottle opener.... duh!?)
3) A colander - upon finishing up my tuna pasta salad, I had nothing to drain my water out of the pasta pot in... joy.
4) Tin Opener
5) More than 1 towel
5) More than 1 towel
Figuring out how to grocery shop for one.... HOW?! I bought a bag of banana's and a tub of yogurt etc and by the time I'd come down to the last banana it was brown and bruised and the yogurt kind of went all watery and sloppy.
If I buy things they usually go off before I have the chance to finish them!
Epic fail.... at least I got my milk right. No, I'm not pregnant. But I enjoy black coffee anyway so don't need much milk at all. The most funny thing in my shopping bags is definitely the tiny carton of milk you give to a child, it has the straw on the side of it and everything.
Hey... it's all I need.
I'm sure the list is going to be endless to be honest.... this is my first time living completely alone.
I share a flat with my books and my macbook... and it's actually pretty cool for a writer like me. I can write, read, get drunk, dance, cook and BE - I'm discovering a side to myself I never knew was there. The side that is embracing being alone - a side that makes fun of myself and laughs out loud at random shit when no one else is going to laugh at me.
I think everyone in life does need to live alone at least for a bit.
You'll learn so much out about yourself.
I learned that I am a bit of a neat freak. I always knew that when I was upset, I cleaned. But living alone, I realized the extent of my cleanliness.
When I lived at home with my parents, we had a cleaning lady - so I got a bit lazy.... although I prefer to think of it as giving her something to do.... whereas now, it's just me that is going to make my bed and wash my coffee cup - so hey ho I do it! I get back to a pristinely clean flat after work and I love it.
In all honesty, living alone is pretty great but it has its moments of being a painful bitch
(please see above).
I share a flat with my books and my macbook... and it's actually pretty cool for a writer like me. I can write, read, get drunk, dance, cook and BE - I'm discovering a side to myself I never knew was there. The side that is embracing being alone - a side that makes fun of myself and laughs out loud at random shit when no one else is going to laugh at me.
I think everyone in life does need to live alone at least for a bit.
You'll learn so much out about yourself.
I learned that I am a bit of a neat freak. I always knew that when I was upset, I cleaned. But living alone, I realized the extent of my cleanliness.
When I lived at home with my parents, we had a cleaning lady - so I got a bit lazy.... although I prefer to think of it as giving her something to do.... whereas now, it's just me that is going to make my bed and wash my coffee cup - so hey ho I do it! I get back to a pristinely clean flat after work and I love it.
Have you ever lived alone???
How did you find it?
I actually never got the chance to live alone, I always assumed I would, but it never ended up being that way. I can definitely imagine that finding yourself living alone all of a sudden could be quite scary! But hopefully you can make the most of it. Be crazy, sing as loud as you can, stay up late, run around like a maniac, do things you can't always do when you live with somebody!
ReplyDeleteI've never actually lived by myself as I had a child at 18, then when my marriage didn't work out had another child. Personally I don't like living alone... I find when I'm with someone I'm neater and I cook more... (it's not easy to keep things together when your child makes a cyclone of a mess)... with the way my life is going, I will truly find out what living alone is really like in the next 8-10 years... I'll probably end up with 2-3 cats.
ReplyDeleteI totally related to your issues of being alone... when I first started out there seemed to be endless lists of things I needed and took for granted at home.
By the way, those jar openers really work... they are life savers for me... otherwise I'd never be able to open jar.
I'm sure you'll figure the alone thing out and I don't think you'll be alone for long... maybe moving out will prepare you for other things in the future... who knows.
Thanks for entertaining me this morning... maybe when I'm totally on my own I'll be able to read all those books I'm missing out on xox ♡♡
Hey doll!
ReplyDeleteThanks for your nice comment. I didn't do anything to my hair but neglect it haha, I'm glad though people think I changed it on purpose cus that means I don't look like a total broke and lazy bum. ;)
Oh my God I totally know what you're going through right now! After my last (10 year!) relationship ended it felt SO horrible to move to a smaller flat just for myself again. I felt so lonely and I wasn't used to having no one around and I really didn't know how to handle beinf on my own. It is hard but believe me when I say it'll grow on you and it'll get easier after a while. I'm sure you have awesome friends and family you can count on if you need help with a bookshelf or other things. One year after the breakup I honestly really started to enjoy being alone and independent! It can bring out a new side of you and it makes you grow as a person. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger ;)
Chin up girl! You don't need a man to feel good!
Sending you sunshiny greetings from Perth!
I love this post because it's completely honest, but you still manage to make light out of it. Although I'm only 16, I relate to so much in this post.
ReplyDeleteRecently I've been dealing with short bursts of depression here and there, and they come on for absolutely no reason. It's not a huge deal, but sometimes I do wonder if there is something deeper to look into...
One thing I did notice, in relation to your post, is that those low-points dissipate when I am surrounded by people, whether they are friends, family, teachers, work partners... And sometimes I manage to cheer myself up! Like you said, I think being alone teaches you a lot. Try to do energetic things (like running or yoga) in short bursts- it helps you clear your head and sends dopamine to your brain!
If I go running, for let's say, 15 minutes, I start getting sick of it and I start thinking of all the things I want/need to do at home, and how I can't wait to be done with the run to start doing those things. It works well ;)
Since I'll be leaving my family in less than two years, sometimes I reflect on my possible living arrangements for the future. I think I should probably practice being "alone" more often before ever living alone, if that's what I end up deciding :')
Beautiful photos. I like the style of your blog. I'm your new follower # 435 if you want to come on my blog ^ - ^
ReplyDeletewww.beautywithterri.blogspot.it
I don't technically live alone, but when your fiance only actually sleeps at home for 2 nights a week, it's kind of the same thing. To open jars when no ones around I use the back end of a spoon and hit the top right on the corner to break the seal, a few good dents on the corner of the rim and it will open, I promise. You will eventually get used to watching scary stuff and being alone, the whole fear of nothing thing subsides. I started a series on cooking for one a while ago, I haven't updated it in some time, but it might help you out!
ReplyDeleteI lived alone when I studied in Paris. I did not really like it either... I thought I would love it but in the end it turned out I did not.
ReplyDeleteHave a great week!
Xx
Larissa
www.cenestquedelachance.blogspot.de
Such a great post idea! I didn't even think about the heavy furniture problem, or the spider problem. I decided that based on this post, I could never actually live alone because I don't think I could possibly deal with killing all of the spiders by myself. I have trapped them and let them sit for hours so that my husband could kill them when he gets home before. I am glad that overall you are liking it though, and I bet it is so good for you to learn more about yourself while living alone.
ReplyDeleteYou really need a jar opener. I had no idea wtf it was in the drawer and then one day Jeff showed me and voila- handy jar opener when the man isn't around.
ReplyDeleteDo you live far from your parents?
I know if I lived alone, that no matter how much I loved it, I would be a depressed miserable SOB and I'd become a hermit very likely. I crave alone time and space (being an only child does that to you) but I love having people there for when and IF I need them. So I get it.
When is your cat joining you, love?
Hugs!! xoxox
I hear ya, girl.
ReplyDeleteI lived alone for 5 years! The jar thing- yes!!! Especially when I broke my wrist!
Another thing- unzipping dresses! I was trapped in a dress once and had to go round to my (luckily) female neighbour to ask her to unzip my dress as I was stuck! And another time, I got a splinter and had to go round to the vicarage to ask the vicar to remove it from my hand! There are good aspects and then there is the lonely talking to oneself. But then there is the singing really loudly and dancing crazily- yay!x
I have lived alone for a while, and like you said, it can be pretty lonely. I spend much of my time alone now because my sons are both grown and out of the house and my husband is away at work for ten hours at a time, but I do see him in the early mornings and in the evenings, so it isn't too bad. I get my alone time during the day and then have his company in the evening, so it is the best of both worlds. It will get easier for you, I think, as you get more accustomed to it. xoxo
ReplyDeleteIve never lived alone before, but I hope you get your cat soon :) <3
ReplyDeletexx Sera | STARDUSTBOHEMIAN.COM
I haven't but I've always felt alone anyway. A cat helps, I'm sure of it.
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http://MyMotherFuckedMickJagger.blogspot.com
♥
OOh i can so relate to what you've said. I have no siblings so am used to being alone ever since I was a kid. Not scared of ghosts spiders snakes or anything but petrified of cockroaches. I lived alone for 3 years in a different city when I started working and had no friends remotely close to my house. I felt so many of the things you wrote in this post but the critical point for me when there was a cockroach in the house. As lame as it sounds, I would stand on a table and scream and call friends who would have to travel for like ten miles and come over just to kill the bugs and I'd still not be able to sleep in fear... so yes.. living alone is both awesome and awful cas then you realize that you're not as brave/independent as you thought you were. At the same time, its still awesome!!
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